<p>My SIL has a Masters degree. My brother has a h.s. diploma. He was a football player who couldn’t make the grades at a well regarded univ. that’s often mentioned on CC. He would have been better off if he had accepted the offer from the lower tiered school. For many years SIL made more money than he did. She worships the ground he walks on… always has. They’ve been married for 33 years and have two very successful daughters who are not in the least embarassed that their Dad only has a h.s diploma.</p>
<p>Thank you for your help, everyone. I am going to listen more than I talk and I am going to be totally open to whatever it is my daughter has to say. It will be hard, I have to tell you, but my relationship with my daughter is very important to me. I truly appreciate your feedback. </p>
<p>A few comments in regard to things people posted:</p>
<p>My daughter has not had a history of picking bad boyfriends. She had one serious boyfriend in college. He was smart, a hard worker, a D1 athlete, average looking and treated her well. They were what I would call (in college-selection terms) a match. </p>
<p>The guy she is dating now is someone I would call a safety. It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy at (with) your safety, but honestly, how many parents are hoping that their child picks a safety? </p>
<p>I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I just want the best for my daughter, and I think the person she spends her life with is a lot bigger decision than where she went to college. People freak out on here all the time about their child not getting into reach schools. I simply want a match for my daughter’s life partner. </p>
<p>Yes, I realize they are just DATING at this point, but it is possible they could end up together. Nevertheless, I am going to set all of that aside and be supportive. After all, it is her choice. My only reservation is that they work together and things could potentially become ugly if there is a bad break up. </p>
<p>Again, thanks so much for your help. I’ll keep you posted.</p>
<p>Lovemykids…There is an old CC saying…love thy safety. I think this young man sounds very down to earth, and your daughter likes him well enough to date him. I guess I’m troubled that you are looking for a HYPSM beau for your daughter. Maybe it’s all about the prestige.</p>
<p>No, Thumper. I am NOT looking for a HYPSM beau for my daughter. I am looking for someone who is a match, not a reach. My point, although obviously not well-stated, is that people on here often get upset when their child does not get into a reach college, but they don’t understand why I would like to see my daughter with someone who would be considered a match–not a safety.</p>
<p>And how do you know he’s a “safety” when you haven’t even met him???</p>
<p>Maybe he’s a “Beau that Changes Lives.”</p>
<p>I still can’t understand what you’re basing your judgment(alism) on.</p>
<p>I guess if you had to chose between the best and the saftey pick the best. If the "Best’ is really the best in everything. But would the best pick you? Or is the saftey’s saftey also you in one aspect? KWIM? One would have to be very honest in ranking themselves and others. Maybe this is the best your daughter can do for now? How many people her age does she know in this area? How long have they been dating? How serious is this?</p>
<p>Thumper, it is not about prestige. After my daughter and her college bf broke up, she was pursued by a guy in one of her classes. He was very bright, and exceptionally mature and focused for a 21 year old. He was on his way to law school, with an eye on politics. He was very serious. He came from a family of millionaires. I didn’t make any comment about him, but I didn’t feel he was a match. My daughter agreed. She said their goals in life were too different. She said he needed to be a college student, not an adult in college. Lol.</p>
<p>What makes the new guy a safety? He’s not a match. I am going to stick with my plan of not saying anything and being supportive. I hope everything works out for the best.</p>
<p>Just wow. The guy is nice, has a good job, she’s happy and this is a PROBLEM? Is the only suitable mate one with buckets of money, a high-profile job GQ looks, and of course, a degree in the “right” major from the “right” kind of school? </p>
<p>A SAFETY? A MATCH? Holy cow. We’re talking PEOPLE, not college-you know, people, with hearts, minds…</p>
<p>So you’re going to “be supportive” even though you’ve already judged him, unseen.</p>
<p>Hope that works out for you. And hope your daughter is more open-minded.</p>
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<p>This is the bottom line. You don’t get to choose who she dates, whether or not it’s someone with whom she works, or, eventually who she chooses for a life partner. You have clearly prejudged this young man and formed opinions before even meeting him. I can’t imagine doing that to someone who my D was bringing home. </p>
<p>You seem to have a preoccupation with his looks, which, in my opinion, is very unusual. I also have to say that your equating what you see as a suitable young man for your D as a reach, match, or safety, is somewhat disturbing. My advice to you is to give some very serious thought to how your viewing this situation with your D, or you may be on the road to seriously damaging your relationship with her.</p>
<p>*The guy she is dating now is someone I would call a safety. It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy at (with) your safety, but honestly, how many parents are hoping that their child picks a safety? *</p>
<p>Excuse me, but are you actually calling a respectable human being, “a safety”? If so, shame on you.</p>
<p>lovemykids2012, You can’t decide a person is a “safety” or judge them based on external things. The real truth is that a person’s true value comes from things that are internal and hard to see. Sometimes, a person who may look to you like ‘a safety’ career-wise, financially and based on looks, turns out to be a cheater or a not very supportive spouse or, 10 years down the line, turns out to be a person with other priorities (workaholic). This guy could be someone who complements your daughter well without being that handsome. I know plenty of couples with a huge disparity in education who have long, beautiful marriages because their marriages weren’t based on a piece of paper. Even if he turns out to be a person you wouldn’t have chosen for your daughter, remember that we all get to pick our partners in life and she is choosing, you are not. You raised her into an adult; it’s now time to lean back and see the woman she’s become and welcome her friends and associates.</p>
<p>This makes me sad. I hope the OP is indeed a ■■■■■, and not a real mom.</p>
<p>Maybe I missed something in one of the dropped posts, but I don’t see anything that describes why the young man in question isn’t a “match.” The school thing is a non-issue. I wonder if the OP is aware of how playing a sport in college can carry over into the working world- even more so than being an academic star. </p>
<p>You are underestimating your daughter’s judgment, and my bet is that you are vastly underestimating this young man. Do you know anything at all about his character? You know, those values like honesty, integrity, kindness, and compassion.
If my daughter brings home a guy with a sterling character who loves her, and whom she is also crazy about, he could have two heads and I’d not complain.</p>
<p>I like what atomom said. For a lot of parents, nobody will ever be quite good enough for their child (especially when it comes to daughters). You just have to trust her.</p>
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<p>How does “picked a college so he could be a starter” equal “not on the same career path”? Do you realize how snobby you sound? A young man who can achieve the goals that are important to him (athletics and a college degree) is ultimately preferable to someone who went to a “better” school just because he thought it was better.</p>
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<p>You haven’t even met him and you already think he is not good enough for her! I suspect you wouldn’t think anybody would be good enough for her. </p>
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<p>Have I ever experience deciding IN ADVANCE that I wouldn’t like someone? No. It’s ridiculous.</p>
<p>I still don’t see what your issue is with this guy. Match? Physical and emotional attraction is what it is…how in the world do you presume to know a match for your daughter…</p>
<p>I see so many women with amazing men who work hard, are funny and charming, but who maybe wouldn’t be seen as catches. </p>
<p>I would stop assuming you know what works yourndaughter. Attraction is not something we can understand. Maybe he makes your daughters feel special.</p>
<p>Also, as wonderful as your daughter may be, maybe she isn’t all that. She may be great, but she may also just be an average wonderful girl. By acting as if no man will ever be good enough for her you are setting her upmto be very unhappy.</p>
<p>“you are setting her upmto be very unhappy.”</p>
<p>Only if her D actually takes her meddling seriously. From the OP, it sounds like the D is pretty sensible and level-headed, so hopefully she’ll continue to make her own decisions.But what a burden to have, knowing that your choice in dates is never going to measure up for mom, or that mom makes snap judgements on people she’s never met based on comparing them to a college search website.</p>
<p>coming from a daughter’s perspective… we have to learn to make our own decisions and mistakes. it is so nice that you care, but she’s going to love/date who she wants to and make those mistakes probably whether you tell her to or not. she seems old enough to make her own choices and understand those consequences</p>
<p>Really putting the cart before the horse.</p>
<p>Nothing you have shared suggests there is anything wrong with this relatonship. It’s not destructive, it apparently has neither harmed her work nor changed her career goals. Nor harmed her sense of self.</p>
<p>I’d love my kids to marry well, in the sense of some wildly rich fellow who takes care of DH and me for the rest of our lives- I’m sure we’d all like that. But, far more important is that they find partners who love them, treasure them, appreciate them and support their goals. It’s good if they share interests, both are able to work toward goals, whatever they may be, and both have the same resiliance. Matchy-matchy based on work path, where they went to school, etc- could still be a bad marriage.</p>