<p>lovemykids2012 - there must be more challenging issues in your life than the nice, employed, college-educated guy your nice, employed, college-educated daughter has chosen to date. My advice - worry about those, not this.</p>
<p>It seems a little unusual to me that you describe your d’s first bf as “average looking,” and you tell us here that, after you asked if the current bf was cute, your d described him as “not really attractive.” I don’t understand why this is important enough for you to comment on. She gets to pick, and maybe she doesn’t need to impress other people with how great-looking her SO is.</p>
<p>If you re-read my first post, you will see that I feel TERRIBLE about my reaction to her dating this guy. I have not TOLD her anything about my feelings, only that I didn’t think it was a good idea to date anyone from work. I didn’t know anything about the guy when she told me that; his position is irrelevant in regard to that issue.</p>
<p>No, I am not comparing a human being to a college search, but I was trying to speak in terms that people on CC might understand. People are often obsessive on here about where their children get into college. I was attempting to show that, while people are reaming me about wanting my daughter to have a bf who is similar in qualities, they think nothing about flipping out about college admissions; I think where you go to college is not as important as your life partner. (Yes, I know he is just a bf at this point.)</p>
<p>Looks are just one thing that attracts someone to another. There are many other things–personality, similar backgrounds, common interests and goals. I mention it as one piece of the puzzle, not the most important thing. Again, I go back to picking a college. You wouldn’t pick a college based on the beauty of the campus, but it might be a factor among other qualities. </p>
<p>I’m sorry my message has become so distorted. I am a mom who wants the best for her daughter. I have a hard time understanding what is wrong with that. My goal is not for her to marry a CEO with GQ looks. I would hope that she wouldn’t, but it’s not my choice. It goes without saying that I want her to marry someone she loves and who loves her in return. Yes, this is all premature because they are just dating, but who knows? I thought people on here would understand that I am trying to work through this. Guess not.</p>
<p>We all understand when parents are trying to work thru an issue…but when the issue is shallow it’s hard to be understanding.</p>
<p>It would be one thing if you wrote, “my beautiful college graduate daughter is now dating an unemployed 30 year old high school drop-out who sleeps on the couch of his parents’ basement, has 3 DUI’s, and she keeps giving him 25% of her paycheck…”</p>
<p>But, NOTHING that you’ve written warrants the kind of hand-wringing that you’re doing.</p>
<p>This is a delicate situation, unlike college search, because it is personal. I had the talk with D1 yesterday about her boyfriend of 2+ years. It went pretty well. I spoke in general terms, not specific to the BF. We were on the same page, but she was kind of defensive. D1 and I have always been close, but I know I could only pull this card every once in a while.</p>
This maybe sharing too much information…D1’s BF can be a bit of a procrastinator on certain things and D1 then end up doing all the work. I asked her if it’s something she could live with, would it get old with her after a while to be always the doer?</p>
<p>Most young women don’t describe their boyfriends as “not very attractive” even if others might feel this. The basis of a sexual relationship is to be attracted to the other I would think, even if objective measures suggest otherwise.</p>
<p>Sophia Loren chose Carlo Ponti over Cary Grant, had wonderful sons, and was glad she did.</p>
<p>As for the work issues, if the company is satisfied and everything is above board, I don’t see the problem.</p>
<p>I also don’t see the problem in choosing a college to play a sport. If this is a love, a passion more power to him. Besides, he may have thought that the sport would lead to a professional gig, a certainly lucrative career trajectory.</p>
<p>Many “lesser” colleges have wonderful teachers.</p>
<p>I don’t see the problem.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have an “ideal” of the kind of guy your daughter would/will/should date that runs counter to what she’s looking for. My first goal in your situation would be to lose this ideal, love your daughter and support the relationship as long as he doesn’t hurt her.</p>
<p>As for meeting someone at work, very, very common.</p>
<p>Proudpatriot, I KNOW I sound snobby. I feel awful. I came here looking for help, not to be chastised. Of course, this is a public forum, so when I put this out there, I opened myself up to criticism. What I was hoping for was constructive help, which some people gave. Thank you to those who did so.</p>
<p>Picking his college in order to be a starter doesn’t have anything to do with his career path. Those are two different things. I was trying to show that his priority in picking a college was not because of academics. He turned down better colleges because he wanted to be able to play a sport in college, not sit on the bench. What about the future? My daughter has always planned for the future. She picked a college based on academic scholarships and on who had the best program for her major.
His career path is where it is because he picked an easy major and did ok in school. Her career path is very bright because she did well in school with a difficult major and was selected for a high-level training program in her company.</p>
<p>No, I haven’t decided in advance that I don’t like him. He may be a very nice person. I am just concerned about the amount of differences in their lives.</p>
<p>Gottago, I do NOT think that no one will be good enough for her. Her college bf was a good match, but they met too young. </p>
<p>Do I think my daughter is perfect and the best catch in the world? No. But she has a lot to offer and I would hope that the person she marries has just as much to offer. I realize that there is more to a marriage than being a good match, but it does help to make things easier. </p>
<p>Yes, I am a worrier, so that is the reason for the hand-wringing. What warrants hand-wringing for me may be different than it is for you.Trying to work through it.</p>
<p>Op, you would be amazed how many co workers are dating or married at my work. That’s where you spend a majority of your day and more then likely where you meet the most people.</p>
<p>I had the same feelings about dating a guy from work… Till i did it. All i can say is take it slow and be mature. I’ve seen plenty of these relationships work out and end in marriage. I’ve seen plenty just plain end. Who knows, maybe one of them will move on to another company… That would solve the working together thing.</p>
<p>I was hoping my comments would be constructive. I was hoping that reading the cold hard truth about how you sound would make you think long and hard about prejudging this young man. You haven’t even met him yet.</p>
<p>There was a time in the corporate workplace where dating a co-worker was an extremely risky thing to do. There were sanctions; such as job transfers or firing and it did not matter if the couple eventually married,there was plenty of “water cooler” talk. However times have changed, most companies recognize that young driven workers spend many more hours at their workplace and inevitably… relationships happen. Having to go to HR suggests to me that the company may be a little bit more old fashioned, and thus concerned about workplace romances. Is there a downside if the relationship does not last? Probably. It is difficult to work with someone who is an ex, but she obviously knows all this, and yet she felt secure enough (in her job and in herself) to take the risk. Life is much more complicated in todays’ world and good relationships are hard to come by, which is why individuals have to use different methods of meeting people than thirty years ago.</p>
<p>My advice: take it one step at a time, judge the young man on who he is and how he treats your daughter, look at your daughter and see if she smiles, and see if she is happy. After all, it is difficult to judge a relationship if you are not one of the people directly involved in it. Interpersonal relationships are always difficult to assess from the outside. That does not mean that you should ignore any red flags and if she asks for your opinion…be honest but sensitive. Your daughter is just trying this relationship on right now, but if he turns out to be her life partner, it is better to have started off on the right foot.</p>
<p>Good Luck and try not to worry so much, which is the most difficult thing to do as a mom.</p>
<p>Picking his college in order to be a starter doesn’t have anything to do with his career path. Those are two different things. I was trying to show that his priority in picking a college was not because of academics. He turned down better colleges because he wanted to be able to play a sport in college, not sit on the bench. What about the future?</p>
<p>Well, you don’t really know how being a starter on a team leads to networking with alumni, fans, etc, who remember him. There are alums and fans that show loyalty by hiring athletes who made a difference on their fav team. </p>
<p>You also are underestimating the lessons-learned from being a starter/leader on a team. </p>
<p>Who knows…his family may think you and your D are a bit “too much”.</p>
<p>OP, have you met him yet? If I understood your post correctly, he would have arrived last night. I’m hoping you are relaxed and realizing that you need not have worried. On the other hand, maybe it’s as bad as you thought. Please let us know.</p>
<p>I got the college analogy and yes, this is just an anon forum. My advice? When you do meet him, try to find something you can appreciate. Because she did- enough to date him, whatever the reasons are. Make your assessments later. If you need to tackle a problem, do it cautiously, as OF did, in general terms.</p>
<p>One of mine was in a destructive relationship- barely employed, demanding, wanted mine to drop out of college, repeatedly cruel- and anti-family (meaning, tried to drive a wedge between D and us.) That’s when you lose sleep. Fortunately, it ended and she’s now dating a sweetheart, who is here for the holiday.</p>
<p>Even if there are wide disparties between them, lots of good can still come.</p>
<p>Why is it that some think its perfectly ok to be judgemental about people they are accusing of being judgemental? That always fascinates me.</p>
<p>Agree that its best to reserve judgement until the OP has met him face to face, but how about, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, giving thanks for what we have, including relationships with our kids and our cc fellow posters that allow us to be honest with our feelings without getting ripped a new one.</p>
<p>Thank you, robotbldmom. I appreciate your perspective. </p>
<p>mom2collegekids, the bf can’t think we are “too much” because I have never shared these thoughts with my daughter. I don’t know why they would think she is “too much.” In regard to the alums and fans remembering him, I guess that is true, but the school has 1300 students, so . . . </p>
<p>FlyMe, the bf is with his family. He didn’t come home with my daughter.</p>
<p>lookingforward and jym, thank you for your help. Yes, I am thankful that I have a wonderful daughter with whom I have a great relationship. I want to keep it that way and my reason for posting was to do just that. Thanks to all that helped me gain some perspective. Happy Thanksgiving.</p>