<p>I don’t see any indication that this relationship is “serious”. As you point out, all D has time for is work, & it sounds like this is the way it is going to be.
Where would she be able to meet someone if not at work ?(or the Internet).
But if it does become a serious relationship, again I don’t see anything unusual.
Many couples have complementary styles of relating to the world rather than identical.</p>
<p>I really think you’re jumping the gun here, OP.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like your daughter is in a serious relationship yet. You haven’t met him yet. All you know for sure about him is that he played sport at college, got a degree and now works for the same company as your daughter.</p>
<p>You don’t know the reasons he made the choices he did - and even if you did know, what does it matter? The choices people make at 18 don’t necessarily reflect the choices they make later.</p>
<p>“But she has a lot to offer and I would hope that the person she marries has just as much to offer.”</p>
<p>Wait until you get to know him. You may find he has just as much to offer as your D - even if he offers different things.</p>
<p>Lol, Laylah. My daughter just told me her bf is out hunting with his father. She mentioned that he took her to his family’s a few weeks ago and taught her how to shoot several different kinds of guns. She said she could never shoot anything, but it doesn’t bother him a bit because he’s killed people. I guess he was in the army. I made no comment about anything, although I am an anti-gun person.</p>
<p>■■■■■ OP’er No way this person is real or this issue is real. None. This is more rigged than “the house” in Vegas. And I’m a gambler. Clearly contrived.</p>
<p>Chose athletics over college? deployed in the army? the story doesn’t add up.</p>
<p>giterdone, I am not a ■■■■■. </p>
<p>He did not choose athletics OVER college. He based his college choice on athletics. I’m not sure about the army part. He did fight overseas, but I didn’t ask when that was. (I’m trying to listen more than talk.) I would think the army would have been after since he played a sport in college; I would think you’d have to do that first if you are a recruited athlete. I don’t know much about the service and how it works but it doesn’t seem like he would’ve had time to be in the army for very long.</p>
<p>He could have been in the National Guard.</p>
<p>Just a hunch, but…</p>
<p>Could it be that you view the college boyfriend as the “one who got away?” I know a couple of women who have very poor relationships with their daughters in law because they just didn’t feel that the then young women measured up to someone their sons had previously dated and were disappointed. It sounds as if you agree that your D was just too young when she met her college boyfriend. However, you think he was a better “catch” AND “match” than the newest boyfriend. In the back of your head, you’re thinking…“if she can attract someone like X, then she should be able to do it again and she shouldn’t settle for someone like this, who has less to offer.” </p>
<p>Personally, I don’t think having such thoughts makes you a bad person or a bad mom. I can tell you though that you’d be better off keeping your opinion to yourself. One of the women I’m talking about is now in her 80s. She’s one of the most vibrant people I know. She still audits college classes and volunteers a lot for various causes. Her one regret in life is that she sees so little of her son and grandkids. She blames her DIL. But, knowing that some 15-20 years later she thinks her son really “blew it” when he cheated on his previous girlfriend (with someone else, not daughter in law) and got caught and that he would be (a) much happier and (b) have smarter kids if he’d married that other girlfriend, I can understand why her DIL feels that way. What’s so tragic here was that marrying that girlfriend wasn’t an option. When he cheated, she ended it. But mom still plays the “…if he hadn’t cheated, they would have married and she would have made him a much better wife” record over and over in her head. It does her no good. It has really hurt her. </p>
<p>Are you doing some version of this? If so, you’re human. There’s nothing to be ashamed of…but realize that’s what your doing. The college romance is over. It’s not an option. Your D has moved on…and mom needs to do it too.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize people in the National Guard fought in wars. I thought they served just in the U.S. That would make sense, soozievt. Thanks for the info.</p>
<p>Good points, jonri. I am fine with the relationship with the college bf being over, but I think you are right when you say I might be thinking that she had someone who was a good match once, and she could do it again. </p>
<p>I know relationships of people who are very different can survive and even flourish. I just think it makes things easier when you have a lot of things in common. I am keeping my opinions to myself. It is hard, but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my daughter.</p>
<p>Nothing that you have said indicates that they have nothing in common. After all they are both college graduates, both employed at the same company…</p>
<p>It may be that the BF chose to attend that school for athletics because it was a means of getting a paid-for college education. I have a nephew who is on athletic scholarship; he had outstanding scores and grades. He also knew that to chase the athletics, he needed to be open to those schools that were willing to pay for his services. This is not unlike top students who chase the merit money by pursuing schools where they are in the top $ of its applicants. (I also have a S who considered highly selective schools and playing a helmet sport. Suffice it to say that the coaches were not going to use a tip for him, as he had no problems clearing the academic hurdles to admission.)</p>
<p>OP: Look at it this way – your D met her BF IRL! She could have met him online! (oh, the horror! :eek:)</p>
<p>Please do not so quickly declare that OP is a ■■■■■ just because you think the story doesn’t add up. OP may not know something that you think everybody should know (e.g., army vs National Guard, the value of being an athlete, especially in this society.)</p>
<p>I did hear from DS and several other people that the relation between a college-age daughter and her mother suffers just because the mother does not think the young man her daughter is dating (and in once case, even after engagement) is a “good fit.”</p>
<p>One mother (whose D was dating a student on athletic scholarship) once told us that she worried that the young man her D was dating with might end up be a starving coach in a small town. A coworker just did not like the fact that his SIL is a body builder and spent a lot of money on “special” food for body builders, but his D loves the way he is.</p>
<p>OP, Just a thought: It is possible that a person may not be attracted to somebody who is ambitious in advancing his career, even when she herself might be very career oriented. For example, DS once told us he really dislikes some girls who are overly ambitious in pursuing the high $$$ career path.</p>
<p>
As a parent, I am fully aware it is hard. As my wife told me once, if we want any access to our grandson and grandaughter (if any) in the future, we had better be extremely “well behaved” in front of our DIL, starting from the day one of her being a gf to our S.</p>
<p>OP, lots of people choose lower ranked schools for various reasons. Like CD said, it might have been the only way he could afford college. You don’t know. </p>
<p>I was the D in this situation. My parents thought I was settling because my BF chose his school based on athletic loyalty and he is not career-driven. However, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me and he treats me like a princess. My parents realized how happy I was and that’s all that matters to them. </p>
<p>You haven’t met him. Give him a chance. Don’t judge him based on stories that you only know a very small slice of. If your D is happy ** that is all that is important.**</p>
<p>I feel for the OP in that I too think my S can do better than the girl he’s dating. But they are still in college, and he needs to be with someone he’ll be happy with.</p>
<p>I think that having a spouse that is not as driven career wise can be an asset to a marriage. That person may have more time to deal with household things and the kids, making it easier on the career driven spouse.</p>
<p>I think the most important thing is that they’re happy and deal well together. In spite of differing backgrounds, and as long as their goals and what is important to them is compatible.</p>
<p>It would be much worse to be with someone who is driven and successful - and is inconsiderate or disrespectful or even abusive.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You don’t have to be in the service to kill people, but your concerns about your daughter with this guy may be justified after all.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. </p>
<p>Look on the bright side. She could have gone for one of these guys:</p>
<p>[Horrible</a> Histories - Literally: The Viking Song - YouTube](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qSkaAwKMD4]Horrible”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qSkaAwKMD4)</p>
<p>[Horrible</a> Histories Roman Rulers (Who is Bad) - YouTube](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1MMkZnr364]Horrible”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1MMkZnr364)</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KbXyALq7uA[/url]”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KbXyALq7uA</a></p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>Proudpatriot, this is what I said:</p>
<p>" I just think it makes things easier when you have a lot of things in common."</p>
<p>I didn’t say they have nothing in common.</p>
<p>mcat, thank you for your support. I do understand the value of being an athlete. My point is that the new bf (according to my daughter) was offered scholarships at multiple colleges but chose to go to a very, very small college because he would get to play. It wasn’t about anything other than getting to continue playing his sport. Yes, he did receive a college degree, but his major is what I would call an athlete’s major.</p>
<p>I’m thinking, mcat, about what you said as far as wanting someone/not wanting someone who is very career oriented. Possible, but not probable. Maybe she doesn’t care if she is the major breadwinner. It’s a different age. I totally understand what your wife is saying, too. That’s why I am asking for help to say/do the right thing, even though it’s hard. I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with my daughter.</p>
<p>I want the best for my daughter and I want her to be happy. Isn’t that what all parents want? The problem comes when what we think is best for them isn’t what they think is best for them. I’m working on it. I’m human.</p>
<p>NJres, this comment bothered me. I have great respect for life. I’m hoping it isn’t as bad as it sounds.</p>
<p>For as far back as I can remember, I have told my only child (D, now 24) that the only thing I would want to know about any partner she chose (male or female) is this “does this person make you feel valued?” - everything else is filler. I really feel that way. </p>
<p>OP, I sincerely hope your D feels valued in this young man’s life.</p>
<p>Post of the Day from OP- “I want the best for my daughter and I want her to be happy. Isn’t that what all parents want? The problem comes when what we think is best for them isn’t what they think is best for them. I’m working on it. I’m human.”</p>
<p>OP, I believe you are conveying what many are thinking. However, you had the balls…sorry guts 
to bring it out on a public forum. </p>
<p>Your daughter sounds like a WONDERFUL young lady, and I do believe that there is something that she sees in this guy. He is probably the one who allows her to let her hair down after an exhausting day, one who makes her laugh. one who is supportive and makes her feel valued. If that’s the case, she is way ahead in the relationship arena.</p>
<p>MCAT also gave some great advice. {{{ }}}s to you and Happy Thanksgiving!</p>