<p>No, I am not comparing a human being to a college search, but I was trying to speak in terms that people on CC might understand.
Lord, give us a little credit.
This is an adult forum, not one of the " chance me" threads.
Brand new screen name and you are trying to get sympathy because your adult college grad daughters BF may not live up to your expectations?
Look on the bright side- maybe he will get your D to reevaluate her priorities. Life is way too short to be so preoccupied with work that you don’t have time to meet anyone outside of it.
;)</p>
<p>emeraldkity, I am not understanding your animosity. Honestly, people on this forum are sometimes over the top in regard to where their children will get into school. I think a possible future mate is an even more important life decision, so I was trying to get that across before people started berating me. </p>
<p>I was attempting to get advice, not sympathy, and I have no clue why you would think so. People on this board are usually quite helpful and have a broad range of experiences and perspectives.</p>
<p>My daughter doesn’t need to reevaluate her priorities at this point. She is a recent college grad, and as such, you pay your dues.</p>
<p>Many years ago, when I was in college, I had a BF who came from “the other sides of the tracks”. My parents never said anything, but the relationship did not work out. Today, he is a very well respected expert in his field, is constantly invited to international events, etc.</p>
<p>I just saw one of his posts in Facebook and i thought: who would have thought that this handsome kid who wore a white polyester suit to a dance would have gone this far?"</p>
<p>OP, you never know</p>
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<p>In Parent Cafe? Not so much. </p>
<p>And honestly, it’s just a bit odd to me to keep comparing picking a college to picking a life partner. I can’t put it in to words why, it’s just… strange.</p>
<p>Yes, OP, one’s partner IS far more important than college choice. So why do you keep comparing your D’s dating partner to college search terms? For that matter, since a partner IS more important than college choice, why do you place so much importance on your D’s BF’s college choice? It’s only a small part of what makes him who he is, as does his job (and, I hope as your D’s job is only a small part of who SHE is).</p>
<p>I spent today with three generations of people from all walks of life. Some of the partnered people in the group had little in common-the medical sales person and her sound engineer fiance. She’s a country girl who hunts and dresses her own game-he doesn’t know how to boil water. She’s 10 years younger than he is. She’s Hispanic, he’s black. She’s Catholic, he’s a Baptist. But they’re HAPPY. There’s the middle-aged couple-he’s a blue collar guy working in the shipping industry. She’s a medical professional. He’s Jewish, she’s a Baptist. He loves food of all kinds and is a world traveler. She’s afraid to fly and isn’t very adventurous with food. He’s overweight, she’s very trim. But she GLOWS. She’s happier than I’ve ever seen her.</p>
<p>I guess my point is that you never know who will make someone ELSE happy-only you, yourself will see your SO the way you do. As your D sees HER SO. Maybe what is important to YOU isn’t as important to HER, or she simply doesn’t see it the way you do. Short answer is-you’re not her so let her BE herself and live her life.</p>
<p>Are you sure your daughter is so special? Maybe shes just an average person herself.<br>
Guess my husband the contractor would be beneath you.</p>
<p>I think people are being too harsh. OP is posting what many of us do think sometimes and wish maybe we could voice our concerns to our kids without causing a big fight. I just recently had few email exchanges with a group of lady friends. Some ladies were saying that they wished their kids would break up with their significant other because…But they are not saying anything to their kids. No different than what OP is posting here.</p>
<p>OP never said her D was special, but she is special to OP, just like our kids are to all of us. Yes, I do think there are some guys who are not right for my girls for whatever reason.</p>
<p>Few years back I started a thread about if people would “allow” their kids to marry someone with high student loans. I am sure some posters thought I was crass, but I still stand by my view for my kids. My kids know how I feel about it and they do not disagree. </p>
<p>My mother used to say to us, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open. After you get married, keep one eye closed.”</p>
<p>Oldfort: To me the issue is that she hasn’t even met the young man and she has determined he is not good enough for her D over things that really make no difference regarding the happiness of a couple.</p>
<p>“I am looking for constructive advice and I already feel bad enough, so . . . please take it easy on me. If you want to tell me I’m a terrible person, please save it. I’ve already told myself that, but I still feel the way I do. :/”</p>
<p>I don’t know if people are not starting at the beginning of this thread, but ^^^ is what I started with. Sarcastic comments help no one.</p>
<p>roman, I was speaking about CC in general, not the Cafe. I guess I took a wrong turn in trying to make the comparison to a college search, but I was trying to put things in terms that people might relate to. I find it almost funny that people get all kinds of support when they are freaking out about their children not having the right number of ECs or APs, but if you are concerned about your child’s possible future partner, you are a BAD person. I stated that I was trying to work through this, but some people choose to ignore that.</p>
<p>oldfort, thank you. I think you get what I am trying to say.</p>
<p>Proudpatriot, I guess we have different ideas about things. People don’t have to be exactly the same, but similar backgrounds, goals, and values can make it easier.Marriage is hard enough as it is.</p>
<p>Whatever the case may be, I am saying nothing to my daughter about my feelings. You are right, I haven’t met him and I am judging him–but I do have information about him.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would relax a bit until I had a chance to meet him. Trust in your daughter. If it is a strong relationship, she will want you to meet him. If it is a relationship that she doesn’t think will last, you may never meet him. My dd dated several boys in college and I never met any of them. However, the minute she met someone that she had really strong feelings for, she made sure we met him. Take a deep breath and keep an open mind. Your daughter is probably a better judge of character than you think.</p>
<p>No there is a difference between being concerned and judging him as inadequate before meeting him.</p>
<p>Onward, good advice. I will do that.</p>
<p>Once you are a parent, roman, you may not agree with me, but you will have a better perspective about what it is like to worry about a child.</p>
<p>You say you aren’t looking for sympathy, but you reject any advice to reconsider your own point of view.</p>
<p>You use college comparison because, as you just restated, that’s the way you think anyone here can relate, as if we, you know, don’t all discuss actual lives. I found that extremely condescending–reading any thread on the Parent Forum would have shown you how unnecessary that approach was.</p>
<p>You keep making premises based on second-hand information. I can understand, as oldfort says, being uneasy about a grown child’s partner, but not before you’ve actually met him. (and the killed people thing? Are you sure your D isn’t pulling your leg at this point, or alternately, why not ask her about this–how does she feel about it?)</p>
<p>I think people keep posting because though you keep claiming you’ll be supportive, you don’t appear to recognize why anyone would question this judging before meeting. But it’s apparent to me that you’re not going to, so I do agree that more posting is a waste of time.</p>
<p>Op, I said this in a way before and will say it again. Maybe it is more of a match than you think. As an objective outsider I have seen this a couple of times. Someone thinks one person is settiling but in reality the one thinking that doesn’t have an objective ranking of both parties. </p>
<p>Also I am a younger person who moved to a rural area for a job. The dating options are severly limited. Include working very long hours and that makes things worse. I have coworkers with college degrees, great almost commercial model llooks , making great money dating barely high school grads or drop outs who make 1/3 my co workers pay. there simply isnt much alternative. and some peoe cant handle being single. maybe when your daughter said he isnt that attractive she is acknowledging this. Better to forget the one that got away.</p>
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<p>Most of us who have replied ARE parents and do know what it’s like to worry about a child. I haven’t seen any of us yet say that we would prejudge someone who an adult child was dating. You don’t seem to understand that most of us think your view of the situation is bizarre. </p>
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<p>garland said it best. </p>
<p>I’m often baffled by this type of post where someone comes on, under a new username (which I thought was against the rules), and starts a discussion that seems to be more a desire for attention and/or to stir things up, than a true search for some constructive advice. It’s why there have been a few references to ■■■■■■■■, and probably why most of the regular posters here are refraining from replying to you.</p>
<p>Another vote for KEEPING AN OPEN MIND. As others have said, workplace romances are very common these days. Our DS is now married to his beautiful wife who he met at work. Also, you must accept that you will not think that whoever your child chooses is a perfect match–all of my friends who have married children can list their new child-in-laws’ flaws, but choose to emphasize the positive rather than the negative. Speaking from experience, this is hard to do at first but is necessary to foster good relations, and I believe becomes easier as time passes.</p>
<p>Lovemykids2012, you say your daughter told you this guy is not that attractive, and that he’s killed people. </p>
<p>You didn’t ask her why he’s killed people?!</p>
<p>I agree with Garland. Either your daughter is pulling your leg…</p>
<p>Or you are pulling ours.</p>
<p>OP - I loved your college analogy - it made me start the day with a big smile! </p>
<p>I agree with all of those who say to keep an open mind - at least until you meet him, spend some substantial time with him, and see how he and your daughter relate to one another.</p>
<p>I’ll also note that I had a live-in boyfriend when I was in my early twenties. Deep down, I had some concerns about the relationship and how good of a match we really were. My mother seemed to really like him though, and I actually stayed in the relationship longer than I should have. I remember when we finally broke up and my mother was relieved, I found myself wishing that she had at least given me a couple of subtle hints here and there because I would have felt safer ending the relationship sooner. Yes, I know, I should have made the decision all on my own, but hey, I was young.</p>
<p>I love your attitude and how honest you’re being with yourself!</p>
<p>^^There is the double edged sword we mothers face. My mom, too loved my old bf a lot. It made breaking up hard but I knew what he was like more than my mom did. Thankfully, she gave the new boyfriend a chance and he was the one I married and am still married too. Mom came to be crazy about him too!</p>