Emotional Immaturity

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi guys,
I chose to post this in the parents forum because I somehow think no one would take this seriously anywhere else, but if its the wrong section…sorry!</p>

<p>I’m a student at UCSD, currently a junior, studying mechanical engineering. Last summer, I met a young lady at an internship. We got to know each other quiet well, because there were hardly any interns beside us, and we shared an office. Over time, I really started liking her, and I think she liked me too. A few months later, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore! I was going nuts rehearsing what i would say over and over in my head. I finally told her how I felt. Well, she made it pretty clear that she didn’t feel the same way. I was really surprised by this…</p>

<p>I was devastated. Not just because I wasn’t meant for her, but because I’ve had self-esteem issues for a very long time. As the internship continued, I stopped being friends with her because frankly I just found it too painful. I was angry too. But in spite of this, I tried my very hardest to be a gentlemen about it. Even though I wasn’t, “friends”, with her anymore, I still helped her with her projects when she had questions, I sometimes made casual chit chat with her, and I did my best to be polite. Its really not in my nature to be a jerk, no matter how badly I’m feeling.</p>

<p>Now, I <em>really</em> liked her ,and this was a very difficult time for me, after the internship. I constantly asked myself, why I wasn’t good enough. I developed this huge inferiority complex. She seemed more popular than me, and I always wondered why she has so many friends and I don’t. Why she is so likable, and I’m not. What about me didn’t measure up! I compared myself to her in every way and felt so inferior, and that made me angrier and angrier. I felt like she thought she was better than me, because of what I told her. As if my outpouring of emotions only padded her ego while it left me emotionally devastated. She did seem a little like those stereotypical attractive-women who had an inflated self worth to begin with, which made matters worse. So yeah, I was very bitter. </p>

<p>Now, some time has gone by and I’m quite bitter still, but I don’t actually have that many feelings for her anymore. I guess I’ve had enough time to suffer and work through my emotions. But every time I see her, every few weeks in the halls or somewhere. She gives me this big warm smile, she says hi. Well, she is just a friendly person and since I was never mean, or rude to her, she clearly likes me in a friends-kinda way. </p>

<p>The problem is, everytime she even smiles at me…it makes me think. Why I am so bitter about everything and she is so relaxed about it. It reminds me of how inferior again I feel, and it just boils my blood inside. I don’t know how to cope with it. I almost feel as though, I <em>want</em> her to hate me, because at least we’ll be on the same footing, if you know what I mean.</p>

<p>What is wrong with me.
How can I stop being bitter?
Is this normal, or do I need to see a psychologist?
Has anyone gone through something like this?</p>

2

<p>This is not abnormal. From what you’ve said, you don’t have a lot of experience in the romance area so you don’t have a lot to compare this with to get some perspective on things. I would HIGHLY recommend a psychologist to help you get perspective and to work on your self esteem. Getting your self esteem up will help you immeasurable throughout your life. Lots of people go through this same thing. A person who tends to date with more regularity would not be as bitter because they have learned that you win some and loose some and can take it more in stride.</p>

3

<p>Well, remind yourself that she has done nothing wrong by not having a romantic interest in you. No reason to feel “bitter” when you have not been wronged in any way, shape or form.</p>

<p>Counseling sounds like a good idea to help you sort through and manage your emotions. I disagree that this is “normal.” The depth of your bitterness and projection of feelings of superiority onto this girl seem extreme to me.</p>

4

<p>Sometimes I have to battle feelings of resentment so I am sympathetic.</p>

<p>Try this. When you see her, make it a point to greet her with a big smile, just like the smile she gives you. In fact, make it a special point to smile every day at one or two people.</p>

<p>It might seem silly, or feel silly. However, you really can make your emotions match up to your outward actions. If you smile at another person you will feel happier. It works for me.</p>

<p>And maybe some pretty girl out there will think your smile is very attractive.</p>

5

<p>The girl sounds like a very nice person that will give you the time of day but perhaps you interpreted her friendliness as interest. There are people that are quite comfortable with where they are in life and this comes through in their personality and the personality can be quite attractive. You latched on to her friendliness.</p>

<p>Your post seems to have a bit of an air of desperation to me and hints at a bit of possessiveness. This is just an off-the-cuff subjective impression from a few paragraphs.</p>

<p>Could you envision yourself with her personality? Friendly, comfortable and confident about who you are? Always ready with a smile for others? Could you see yourself getting to that place by doing the things that you do well? I agree with the others on getting some counseling as it might change your perspective and direction to become the popular and friendly person that other people are interested in.</p>

6

<p>Unrequited love is the toughest thing… especially when you are on the unrequited side! Sorry you are going through this… Just reading between the lines, you might have overwhelmed her a bit with telling her how you feel. If you get in this situation again, you might try just asking the person for a date outside work and see what happens.</p>

7

<p>this reminds me of a situation that I experienced in college. This guy and I really hit it off…conversations, etc. He even asked me out a several times and even introduced me to his parents as his “girlfriend,” but the relationship didn’t go much further and then ended. I was really, really hurt because I did really like him., and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong since we seemed very compatible.</p>

<p>Later, I found out he was gay. I felt much better after that. :)</p>

<p>So, my point is…this girl lack of romantic feelings for you may have NOTHING to do with you. She may have a romantic interest in another guy…or another girl. Or, she may have a policy of not dating someone that she’s working with. So, don’t take it personally (I know that that is hard to do).</p>

8

<p>Thanks a lot for all of your help, everyone. I really appreciate it and it does make me feel better.</p>

<p>One particular comment I think hit the nail on the head:</p>

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<p>I think you are very right about that. I just didn’t know how to deal with how I felt, in a mature way, and it all just came out wrong. And I scared her off! </p>

<p>Something that I didn’t mention in my original post (because I thought it would make me seem narcissistic). When I first met her, she seemed very interested in me. But because of my complete lack of social acumen, I never really knew how to ask her out. She would always seem to hint to me, that she wanted me to. Sometimes it wasn’t even a hint, it was almost like a blatant suggestion. But again, my lack of social experience just made it very difficult for me to make my “move” until some months later when it just came with an outpouring of emotion that just seemed probably overwhelming.</p>

<p>Then I asked myself why she liked me in the beginning, and then stopped caring. That was very traumatizing. I felt like, I had the looks but not the personality. That everyone I would meet would realize some weeks or months into it that I was a clown. That was really a very scary idea for me.</p>

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<p>Hey, you know what, you’re right. I don’t know about possessiveness, but desperation, yes. I don’t have a lot of women in my life, to say the least. </p>

<p>I feel, in the last few months I have painted this girl as my mortal enemy when deep down inside I know she didn’t <em>really</em> do anything to me.</p>

<p>I just remember how depressed I got, for a period, when things didn’t work out between us. It really was a depression that almost took over my life for a while- my self esteem was shot. But for her, its just business as usual. I am bitter, but she’s not.</p>

<p>Obviously, she meant a lot more to me than I did for her. And maybe if I find someone else, I will stop worrying about her. Maybe I will still feel resentful, but I won’t think about her that much. That’s for sure!</p>

9

<p>I personally think you are not as socially inept as you think. Youn handled the aftermath (outpouring of your infatuation) well enough that this young lady still feels comfortable around you It says quite a bit about you. I am not sure that many guys could have pulled it off after a rejection like that. It showed a lot of maturity on your part.</p>

<p>My daughter went out with a guy who was very similar to the guy she is going out now. But there was no chemistry with the first guy, not because he was inferior. Often we can´t figure out why we fall for one person and not for another. We don´t analyze our feelings or look at someone´s qualitifications (is he more popular, smarter, makes more money, SAT scores :slight_smile: )</p>

<p>Another thing to consider is once you have gone out with someone, it is very hard to be friends again.</p>

10

<p>When I was a young woman I went on a date with a young man; it went well and I liked him very much. He wrote me a long love letter spilling his heart. I was overwhelmed. Cut off the relationship. It felt bad to do that, but it just scared me off. I was young, not ready for a big love relationship - at least not that fast and furious. I am sure it hurt him and I’m sooooo sorry for that but it was just not the right thing at that time. I was ready for dabbling in love - not for hard falling head over heals. Honestly it made me feel really good that he felt that way at the same time that it scared me off. Weird, huh?</p>

<p>Most people go through some form of this before they find the one to settle down with. When it happened to my sons I told them, “Now you understand all those love songs.” </p>

<p>For you, working with the person makes it hard, but I think you are handling it pretty well on the outside by being kind to her and helping her with work. That is called being professional. </p>

<p>I like that you recognize that even though you have strong difficult feelings, she is really not at fault. That ability to see and honor your feelings while not acting on them and sort of watching your own dynamic flow and change and eventually pass is good. Your feelings will change and the ache will slowly pass. Eventually, it will make the real relationship that comes your way that much sweeter. But you do have to monitor feelings of desperation and control. Overcontrol (jealousy due to fear) will make women run.</p>

<p>I think lots of guys are less outgoing than lots of girls. You are not the first guy to get hurt - kudos to you for opening your heart. We risk, we learn, we cry, we learn. (Alannis Morisette).</p>

11

<p>Since you’ve asked, I’d say you might have been behind the learning curve as it relates to asking out women. Some develop that confidence later than others. But I used the phrase “been behind” because you have done a lot of catching up through this experience. It isn’t confidence in the sense that you feel any woman would say yes, it’s a confidence that permits you to ask and to know that no harm comes if she says no.
Now, you’ll catch on quicker too, if a girl hints that she has an interest in you.<br>
Clearly, this didn’t work out, but it may very well be that the learning from this one helps you turn the corner for the next one. Remember too that dating is a learning experience. It is just a fun time out. It is supposed to be. Experience dating before you expect to find a life-partner. Dating many people helps one to learn about asking out, and it helps one to learn about one’s own likes, dislikes, comforts, what “types” you find attractive, what “types” are attracted to you, etc. Next time you’re interested try meeting for coffee, or lunch rather than pouring out your emotions. It is extremely unusual for a person to even consider he may be “meant for someone” that he hasn’t even dated yet. Extremely.(see post 10, para 1) “Sleeping with” many is different than dating many, so no one is confused by my statement about dating. I do not make the assumption that every date means intercourse.
And a person that dates others gets more popular because they date others. They gain a confidence, and a comfort in the dating dance that can be much more appealing than an awkward beginner. And, as they are seen out with others, then others get the impression they have friends and are likeable- another plus.
One last thing here- think of it from this perspective- there are probably other women in school that you haven’t asked out, right? Do they have a right to be bitter toward you because you didn’t go out with them? Just as you may feel inferior to this one girl, some others may feel inferior to you!</p>

12

<p>There was a kid I worked with at a summer job when I was in college. I was dating someone else and he was single, never had a GF. Nice kid, we hung out a few times. Fast forward a few years and it’s about two days after my BF and I broke up, the guy proclaimed his love for me (literally) and mailed me a dozen roses. I thanked him for the gesture but told him that I needed time to get over that disaster and that I’m sorry but that I really didn’t think about him that way and that he needed to give me time to sort out my feelings but that we could still be friends. He replied by saying I just broke his heart and that he couldn’t stand to talk to me anymore. About two or three years later he called me out of the blue and apologized and asked if we could be friends again. Last time I checked, he had met a nice girl and was dating her. I haven’t seen him in awhile but we do chat on facebook occasionally.</p>

13

<p>Um, sorry if I am misreading you immature99, and maybe I am overly sensitive on this subject due to unfortunate personal experience, but I get a sense that you are creating a whole scenario about this girl that just isn’t real. And what you are writing about her, and how it makes you feel is very much what goes on in the mind of a stalker. You are attributing feelings and intentions onto her that only exist in your mind. I know you aren’t stalking her, but this type of thinking escalates over time, and the next girl you latch onto, or the one after that will be in serious trouble with you.</p>

<p>

This is very disturbing to read. She didn’t do anything to you. Just because you “love” her doesn’t mean she has to “love” you. You feel rejected and now you are blaming her for your feelings. Stop obsessing about this poor girl, and get yourself into counseling. She is the victim here, not you.</p>

14

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<p>I had some similar thoughts in this area too as my daughter had this
kind of experience a few years ago. She chatted with a guy because
they had a few mutual interests but she wasn’t interested in anything
else but he was so he got to stalking her. Maybe desperation can lead
to that along with the mindset that you can own another person. Women
that recognize this should run.</p>

<p>I’ve been on the other side of a person that was far more interested
in me that I was in her and she wanted to get married after knowing
me (we were at a conference) for two weeks. I had to say no several
times - I’m a fairly friendly guy and some may have interpreted that
as interest. It’s not a lot of fun to be on the receiving side of
desperation.</p>

<p>A few decades ago, I knew a girl with a really bubbly and charming
personality and she had this way of making everyone around her feel
special. As you can imagine, she had a lot of friends. I can imagine
that some guys that she met would think that she was interested in
them because of the way she interacted with people. In general, she
wasn’t but she could make you feel that you were. The person that
you were interested might have a similar personality and effect on
others.</p>

<p>I think that it is easier to just let things happen. Focus on the
things in your life that will prepare you for your career, or take
time for your hobbies. Become an interesting person (I had a lecture
on this in a speech class many years ago and it left an impression
on me). Try to cultivate friends. With ladies, try to be friends
without any romantic intent. You can become a person that’s more
attractive to others and then the romantic stuff may follow from
a close friend. It’s something where you won’t get it if you are
actively pursuing it but it’s something that will land on your
doorstep when it’s the furthest thing from your mind.</p>

<p>You clearly have something that others like as you landed an
internship in a period of a few years when they were relatively hard
to come by. Can you focus on the areas where you are really good?</p>

15

<p>immature-
You need to seek help because you cannot go into the workforce where you will have contact with women professionally and get in the same situation emotionally.
The Student Health Center at UCSD can recommend affordable therapists for you to utilize.
You don’t want to carry these destructive behaviors past this incident.</p>

16

<p>I think it all boils down to the inferiority complex.</p>

<p>When I label her as an enemy, I don’t feel like someone who wasn’t good enough. Instead I make her some kind of wacko who was just out to hurt my feelings for the fun of it. Bizarre, I know.</p>

<p>When I remember her though, I also get reminded of how painfully immature I was and how badly I dealt with the situation. I definitely know I learned a lot since then.</p>

<p>Plain and simple, I just didn’t know what to say or do in those days. I have had a hard time socially, growing up. I don’t have any social disorders, per say. I acquired the necessary social skills, it just came to me a lot later than it did to everyone else…So I have to play “catch up”. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, I still don’t think I can make peace with her. I wish I had the guts to, but its just too painful for me. All I can do is try not to think about her…</p>

<p>About seeing a therapist/psychologist. I don’t know. I’m SO skeptical about that kind of thing. What could they possibly do to help me? They just listen and give some advice, like you people here…</p>

17

<p>Look, you did not have a relationship with this girl, you just worked with her. You developed a crush on her and she didn’t reciprocate. All these months later, you’re still obsessing about her and how she (in your mind) did you wrong. That is not normal. Go see a therapist. They will help you figure out why you are overreacting to this situation, and hopefully show you how to get off the runaway train of destructive behavior that you are still riding.</p>

18

<p>It sounds like you are in this amazing point to benefit from the help and growth experience of counseling, because you are looking to benefit from self examination, insight and others’ opinions! </p>

<p>I think your experience and reactions are “normal” in the sense that they are not uncommon and well within the range of experience of men your age; they are not “normal” in that they are not what most people strive for as healthy ways of approaching and beginning potential possible romantic relationships, or bouncing back from a rejected advance.</p>

<p>But lots of people would not reach out and seek advice and help, so you are ahead of the game. But your worry about it, and your negative self-spin indicates a potential or existing trend of depression or anxiety.</p>

<p>Practical thoughts: You want competent psychological assessment and counseling, of a type that fits well with you. Groups are wonderful for this time in life, as is insight based therapy. You might want to look for something called DBT (Dialectical Behavior therapy)therapy, it is an offshoot of cognitive behavior therapy… it sounds “groovy” or eastern or mushy, because it talks about mindfulness, but my understanding is that it actually is one of the few schools of therapy that has some validation and it teaches actual skills.</p>

<p>In addition, try looking for discussion type of groups with women that will be open and honest where you can develop really deep friendships or honest discussions, or get to know people better in a non academic, non work setting. Something you care about… A book group, art class, volunteer group… a place where you can honestly ask questions and get feedback as people chat, just listen as people chat about their dates and lives… amazing how useful this can be to find out about the world and what people don’t honestly talk about in typical social situations, and what a great way it is to make real friends when you meet people as you learn and do side by side!</p>

19

<p>There is a big difference between thinking you’re disappointed she didn’t go out, and thinking you’re inferior, compared to thinking “she did you wrong” by not going out.
Feeling inferior is largely cured with dating experience. Thinking this was a conspiracy is, as you say, bizarre.
Nip this feeling in the bud.</p>

<p>You may want to date some that don’t want you. You may not want to date some that would date you. That means there are those that want you that you don’t want. It works that way for everybody.
Yes, it is bizarre to think she was just out to hurt you. Maybe you need a check-up before you’re ready to date someone.</p>

<p>If, of course, this poster is to be believed!</p>

20

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<p>Because of your “complete lack of social acumen,” I have to wonder if she ever did really express interest in you, or if you, being so socially behind, simply misinterpreted her friendliness for something more. In any case, a young woman or young man is allowed to change their mind at any time, for any reason or no reason, about a potential suitor. “I just don’t feel it” or “I just don’t want to” is all the reason they require. Maybe she picked up on what some of us are finding a little disturbing about you and just decided that having a friendly, cordial, and professional relationship was all she was comfortable with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that; but the fact that you are creating a villainess out of her because she dared to turn you down is frankly, as a mother of a young woman about her age, rather creepy. Feeling embarrassed or sad because a girl you liked didn’t return your feelings is one thing. Feeling deeply embittered and projecting all kinds of motives and alleged feelings of superiority or gamesmanship on her is NOT. You can’t make “peace” with her? Again, that sounds as though she has wronged you or has forged a deliberate campaign to hurt you.</p>

<p>If my daughter was working with someone like you, I would be very worried. I think counseling would be a very appropriate step-a good one can help you make sense of the situation, your feelings about it, your reactions to it, and can help you learn new and healthy reactions to polite rejection (or impolite rejection for that matter), and how to learn and grow from these experiences. I’m here to tell you that this will NOT be the last time a woman rejects you, nor will you go through life without rejecting a few women yourself. That’s a normal, natural part of life.</p>