Some of us have experienced challenging kids and some have not.
Unless you’ve been there, you can’t just ‘imagine’ the interaction and find fault. That’s like diagnosing someone else’s illness, from afar.
Many kids “do fine” by the skin of their teeth, or luck, easier classes, who knows. (That’s ok, as long as it works.) Or doing fine means no more than not on probation. That doesn’t mean she’s fully formed, thinks intelligently, makes rational decisions. Sometimes, a parent can see the truck barreling down the road, while the kid is in the street, blithely saying, in effect,“But nothing has hit me yet.”
When mine went to Canada, her soph year, you bet she got my opinion. Not because I mistakenly thought she was ten years old, but because her decision making wheels needed to be nudged back on track. It was part of a larger pattern- and a very long learning curve. Very, unusually long. She’s now 24 and only recently got it together, I still hold my breath.
My heart goes out to OP. This isn’t vanilla. It doesn’t matter whether some feel she hit a chronological age or is in her 2nd year of college. That doesn’t make her a fully fledged adult, she’s still “emerging,” (to use the new-ish term.) without more info, I can’t declare OP is the problem.
Agree @lookingforward . I hope the OP has not been scared off by now.
My mom still voices her opinion. Do I love it? Not always. But I would never be nasty to her. Nor would I ditch my job for 2 days to go have fun. But then, I’m 50, and my parents raised me until I was mature enough to let go of. So no, they are not “done” at 18. Somewhere between 18 and 50. Hopefully much closer to 18!
Can my S tell me to get lost and stop contacting him? Sure. The next tuition bill that comes is his problem tho. Want to go to Cuba on spring break? Awesome, hope you can afford it.
Money comes with strings, whether you are 18 or 50. Mommy pays, mommy says:(
But I think it is much more than just ‘Mommy pays, mommy says.’ As I said above, I don’t financially support my D2 but I still have a lot to say about her life, school, studying, boyfriend, taxes, banking. Most of what I say is positive, that she’s making great choices (because she is), working hard, spending money appropriately, but some is how I think she might do something differently. She doesn’t have to take my advice, but still asks for it and I still give it. She still has problems negotiating personal relationships with roommates and teammates and classmates. She called me last week when she was sick. She’d already been to the doctor, filled the prescription, arranged her sport practice and missed classwork, but she still wanted me to know and to sympathize, to ask if there was anything she should do (use clorox wipes on everything, sanitize her toothbrush, get some sleep).
I don’t think most kids want their parents to just go away (but still send the checks). I think most still value the advice and even the rules.
We don’t really know that from OP’s posting because she hasn’t said anything beyond her feeling OP is “lazy”, that she didn’t give her prior notification before taking a weekend trip, and that she’s behind in reading on 2 out of the presumably 4-5 class load she’s taking as a second-semester sophomore.
Moreover, you also fail to consider the possibility of parents who view their children in must worse light than reality due to overprotective tendencies or viewing their children in much worse light than actual objective reality. I may not have been a parent, but I’ve seen enough of such parents of classmates firsthand and in the news to not blithely dismiss that possibility as some are inclined to here on this thread.
The parents of the older HS classmate who moved out at 20 and cut off all further contact with them 20+ years ago are one good case.
Not really, cobrat. People cut off and reestablish contact with family all the time with or without good cause and in every imaginable circumstance. Most, but not all,eventually regret the break and the heavy price both sides pay when it occurs. Sometimes they reconcile, sometimes they don’t or it’s too late In any event, I don’t think waiving around the threat of the student breaking contact is particularly productive. Such breaks are usually both deep seated and often irrational anyway.
I looked at a couple of the OP’s earlier threads to try to figure out who was who, and it appears that the OP is a man with both a D and a niece most likely in college. The D is at “an Ivy,” and the niece might well be also, since she was admitted to the U of C EA.
That is the extent of my sleuthing. B-)
As to the assertion that there is something strange about a college student under 21 having a guardian, I seem to recall that our will specified a guardian for our S, and a financial trustee who was a different person. IIRC neither relationship terminated at 18.
I have not read all these comments but I think as long as the student is doing well, then all is good. With my HS student, I think he is lazy at times but he does maintain a 4.0 GPA and that is good enough for me. Some kids can just get the grades with less work that others. She may be perfectly fine skipping classes and maintaining her grades. That is the main thing.
When my kid started that I ceased the argument about how hard she was trying (or not)-- that was her problem. What I finally said was “If that is the best you can do for grades and you are trying her hardest, you probably don’t belong there; if you are not trying your hardest then you don’t belong there, and if you feel that stressed about it all, perhaps you don’t belong there” - then I let her either do better or not.
@austinmshauri I agree – when my daughter started to say she was going to kill herself if I didn’t let her stay in college in TX, I knew it was time to make her leave. She wasn’t cutting it for grades, and the way I looked at it if she really felt that desperate, she needed to come home and if she was manipulating me with a statement like that, she lacked the maturity to be across the country in school and needed to come home. So home she came.
I hadn’t realised that my reference to being my D’s guardian would provoke such a discussion. To clarify, I am her guardian because one parent is dead and the other was found unfit. I did not adopt her because she has a living parent but as her closest relative, I raised her. I’m no longer her legal guardian but I still function as one. I’ve never tried to substitute for her parent as she still has one, even if that parent has been unable to function as one.
One final comment. A student can be at an Ivy and be lazy. They can do doing well but still resort to “special pleading,” extensions, Incompletes etc. I’ve found the Ivy League colleges to be very lax when it comes to things like this. The only reason I mentioned this is because she occasionally doesn’t manage her time well and then has relied on understanding administrators and professors to give her extensions or allow her to sit an exam late. At Columbia, many of the professors set out their “extensions” policy right at the beginning of the semester.
I’m happy to report this issue has been resolved. We had a long talk. My issue was the lying, which in this case went on for several days and become quite “embellished” at one point. I accept she’s an adult. I cut classes too. A small fib is one thing, but to lie and then make cutting remarks is another. And as a parent of young woman living in New York City, I do want to know that she’s ok.
@exlibris97 I’m glad things have resolved. Thanks for reporting back. Lying is my biggest offense when it comes to my relationship with my kids. Problems we can get through. Lying erodes trust and communication in the relationship. Definitely a no-no.
The young women is fortunate to have a caring, involved and helpful adult in you.
This whole thread is spooky to me. The training wheels need to come off.
At the start of college, my role of parent changed from guardian to “I’m rooting for you, I trust your judgement and you should too, and I’m here for you if you need me. Now go feel empowered to make your own mistakes and learn from them. Hopefully they won’t be too big. Find out what makes you happy. Live without fear.”
I also want to stick up for being lazy. I’m lazy and proud. I work smart not hard. What’s the point of being smart if you have to work hard also.
As a parent of four, two college students next year, I would say my involvement has to be more than, “I’m rooting for you, now go do your thing.” I’m bankrolling this endeavor, if my junior son is slacking off and not completing his classes in a timely fashion that costs me an extra year’s tuition. If my soon to be freshman daughter is jeopardizing her scholarships, that impacts our family in a big way. I don’t think I helicopter my young adults, but I am actively involved.
@socalmom007 To clarify, I said scholarship, not financial aid. The Ivies do not have merit scholarships but many students, like my own, hold major external scholarships from Gates, Coca-Cola, IBM etc.
I’d also add that having gone to an Ivy myself, albeit many years ago, you can slacken off after being admitted. “Hard to get in, even harder to flunk out” was our mantra.
@ClassicRockerDad “I also want to stick up for being lazy. I’m lazy and proud. I work smart not hard. What’s the point of being smart if you have to work hard also.” You made me laugh. It also got me to think.
@doschicos The interesting thing is that in my child’s college essay, she wrote that she didn’t feel disadvantaged or deprived and that, indeed, she was proud that she had managed to turn a rather terrible family situation into something positive and was actually grateful for the family (i.e. me and my siblings) that she has.