<p>DS 1 is almost 19 and a freshman engineering major away at school. He has always been analytical and logic driven. He connects to friends for activities rather than for emotional satisfaction. He is friendly, looks people in the eye, has a good sense of humor, is physically active, takes care with his appearance, and all. But he does not like much physical contact. He tends to play “devil’s advocate” when conversing with others and seems to relish showing a lack of empathy and taking the hard line or appearing indifferent when discussing the plight of people going through difficult times. He is not yet dating but he is friendly with girls. </p>
<p>He has always been compliant, respectful, and helpful to adults-his parents, grandparents, and teachers. But he is so remote. Now that he is away at college he is almost fierce about wanting to be left alone. He rarely and reluctantly calls and texts- phone calls are a little stilted. He doesn’t ask about his family, just shares what he has been doing. I really try to give him his space- I don’t pester him with calls and texts. If over a week goes by and we don’t hear from him, I usually send him an e-mail or text asking him to call when it is convenient.</p>
<p>I feel like I am losing a connection to him and I wonder if he will be able to sustain any intimate and satisfying relationships with women or even have any life long friends. It’s not that I want to change him into a “touch feely” kind of guy, but I still hold out for the development of empathy and desire for emotional connection towards others to some degree. </p>
<p>If others have sons like this, I would appreciate to hear how you cope. I don’t want the distance to continue to grow.</p>
<p>Or maybe an ENTJ who is concentrating on his studies to be a “leader/superstar” and demonstrate his independence in the engineering/technology field and among his peers. </p>
<p>Moreover, the son may also be doing this because he feels the need to “protect himself” from excess emotional drama from extended family or from what he may perceive as overly emotionally needy parents…regardless of whether this is actually applicable to the OP/family or not. </p>
<p>To some extent, I was like the OP’s DS1…though part of that was growing up in a neighborhood and a father who expected this as part and parcel of being a “real grown man” and partially because emotional drama from extended family has been such an issue with some older cousins that it actually derailed their ability to complete their educations…even grad school. My parents understood this so they weren’t too put off by my lack of contact. </p>
<p>Also…not everyone has the same levels of needing emotional connections, empathy, or having capacity for dealing with emotional drama. We’re all on a spectrum. </p>
<p>Personally, it seems most friends/acquaintances see me as having a higher degree of empathy that I perceive in myself as they often come to me to discuss their deepest personal emotional dramas.* While I try to put on a good face to try providing emotional support…it is so enervating and draining…along with my feeling I’m not providing the help they actually need that I tend to try referring them to an ESFJ friend who is a natural in this area. </p>
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<li>Was burned out this past summer from trying to help an older college friend through a traumatic ordeal…including having to listen to him rant angrily/immaturely for 4-5 hours straight without break about stuff that was half self-inflicted. Reached a breaking point when he didn’t take the hint that I’ve reached my limit and needed a break which manifested in my snapping back at him about how he was sounding like a spoiled childish brat.<br></li>
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<p>As for anyone coming to me for advice regarding emotional dramas regarding relationships…I refer them to my ESFJ friend who has a knack for not only giving great advice…but also doing it so even the most frank criticisms cause people to come away feeling great about themselves.</p>
<p>Your son sounds like a perfectly normal 19 year old to me. Teenage boys are often lacking in social skills, much more so than teenage girls. Give him some time to mature. I found that my son was always more talkative when he called me than when I called him. It was helpful to send him short emails every week or so giving a quick summary of interesting things going on at home, but without any detail. He would then get curious and phone home, wanting to find out more.</p>
<p>emeraldkity, he does appear to have some introvert traits, but introversion and lack of empathy do not equate. My D2 is very introverted (in fact, at this very moment we are recharging in a hotel room after a campus visit today that she found “too communal”! Complete aside, but it is so frustrating that everyone involved in college admissions is an extrovert – it is quite overwhelming sometimes for her.). But D2 is deeply empathetic. So introversion does not explain that quality.</p>
<p>My guess is that he may develop more empathy as he gets older. Some hard knocks to him or people he is close to may cause that. Or getting dumped/refused by a significant other (or even a close friend) he really likes if they find he is not a kind enough person could do it.</p>
<p>A therapist whom I respect enormously told me that boys this age often need to hide their vulnerability, especially from their moms, and that they will “come back” when they feel stronger in their independence. Perhaps this explains some of the distance your son is maintaining. Know it was true of my DS, also an introverted 19, who kept us fiercely apart during the first semester and allowed me my first hug in many months when he boarded the plane to return to school last week.</p>
<p>I think it’s typical behavior for a 19 year old engineering student. My son is like that - very focused on all things technical and thriving in that arena, but not nearly the social butterfly I <em>thought</em> he should be. I have had to let go of my picture of how he should spend his college years. That being said, I think the remote behavior is probably more extreme freshman year when young men are still establishing their independence. Your son might lighten up as time goes by.</p>
<p>I had anticipated this behavior in my son, so when he went off to college, the agreement was that we would call him every Sunday night. Period. That way, there are no hurt feelings. He doesn’t feel harassed, we don’t feel neglected. Works very well.</p>
<p>BTW, even though my son is far from emotional with us, he’s had a girlfriend for a year now; she’s the light of his life, and he’s very attentive and loving towards her. This could happen to your son, which would put your mind at ease about his social future.</p>
<p>And Mom, I think the sad truth is that you probably will never be as close to your son as you were the first 18 years. They grow up and move on. It’s really hard to believe, I know, and I’m still trying to come to terms with that myself.</p>
<p>Last year was kind of rough for me. My then freshman son did not call home and when I requested a phone call, the conversations were very stilted. His senior year of high school, I had driven him to school daily and I knew that those car rides were the best times for conversation. When he was home last summer, we would have conservations at odd moments but now that he drives, we are not in the car together nearly as much. I felt like he was moving further and further from me. On the one hand, I know that this is healthy but I i knew that I would miss him. My sisters have girls and my nieces remain close to their mothers even from a distance.</p>
<p>I think once he established boundaries, my son was able to make more contact this year. I still do not call him but I will text him during hockey games and he usually responds. He has asked us to visit Parents’ Weekend and asked us to come for a weekend this term because he was taking a school trip during spring break . He just called this afternoon because he had some free time and wanted to tell us about his trip. We talked for nearly an hour, which is more than we talk when we live in the same house!</p>
<p>Your description of your son sounds so much like my son. His friends joke about him being a hermit but he made friends right away at college and at one point was talking about getting a suite with his 7 closest friends. At the same time that he was talking about rooming with 7 guys, he refused to get an extra chair for his dorm room because he didn’t want people in his room. Makes sense? Lots of contradictions at that age.</p>
<p>Sounds a lot like my S1. I used to worry about him until one day he just opened up for a few moments and assured me that although he doesn’t show his feelings, and he seems to be indifferent, it’s far from actuality. Then he just closed up again and was back to normal.</p>
<p>Are there 19 year old engineering boys who aren’t like this?</p>
<p>My son (now 23) hates talking on the phone and answers emails in monosyllables. It was hard to even get him to answer the phone once a week, though he knew we expected to talk to him once a week. (Just for 10 minutes or so!)</p>
<p>We felt much better about his place in the world when we visited him at Carnegie Mellon and saw him with his friends where he obviously wasn’t the ■■■■■ he sometimes seems to us. He’s gotten somewhat more communicative over the years. (Though he’s not answering the phone this week, he did call on his own last week.) </p>
<p>All I can say is that we have our best conversations when it’s not about him - we have to find something neutral that we all enjoy to talk about - usually sci fi books, but sometimes politics or music works.</p>
<p>We’re still waiting for dating - he’s very shy and has been (and still is) in environments with an unfavorable M/F ratio.</p>
<p>There is hope with age. The worm now calls 1x/wk, and he is 25 y o. In college, I recall sending an e-mail with a poster “Lost, 18 y o, last seen wearing…” and his picture. The big response, “I’m fine” Sometimes he wouldn’t call because he was fine, and other times because he wasn’t so fine. Then there were those awful 2 a.m. calls. It is just so nice to hear about a show or movie, to discuss HS friends, family, the ipads.</p>
<p>Mathmom, I will finally meet the g/f in a few weeks. Give it time.</p>
<p>Try skype. My first year college age son hates the phone, mumbles, and gets irritated if I say I can’t hear him. Skype is so much better. We can hear him, see him, catch body language we wouldn’t otherwise. Both parents can sit in on the call without confusion you have on the phone. He even asks to see the dog. He’s much more relaxed and enjoys it also. We have a standing skype call set for Sundays. He often texts in between, but if he gets busy and doesn’t I just look forward to Sunday. He usually just texts to set up at time Sunday morning that’s good for him. It has really worked out well for us.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about the contact with parents at this age. I think that is probably normal. I focused more on this - </p>
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<p>Is he doing this with his friends? Maybe the better question is, if he does this, does he have close friends? If he is like this with peers, then he needs to stop because there is a thin line between being a “devil’s advocate” and being an a . . hole. I’m not sure there is much a parent can do to convince a son that acting like this will alienate people. It is a lesson he may have to learn on his own and it could be a painful one.</p>
<p>“Are there 19 year old engineering boys who aren’t like this?” - I used to have a 19 year old engineering boy with some of those traits. But he’s 20 now Still having trouble getting him to do a weekly “heartbeat call” or skype. </p>
<p>He’s rather social on campus and connects well with his friends. OP’s son might be doing some of that too, when she’s not aware.</p>
<p>If he’s doing this all the time…rather than strictly in class to illustrate a point relevant to the class…he needs to learn something about “appropriate time and place”. </p>
<p>Moreover, relishing the show of empathy towards friends and acquaintances facing difficulties means there’s something weak and lacking in his moral/ethical character that he will need to address at some point…especially if he wants to avoid alienating most people. One of the basic duties of a good friend is to empathize and show sympathy for another friend or friendly acquaintance facing difficulties in life. </p>
<p>That’s one thing I never understood from those who exhibit this…unless it is schadenfreude strictly reserved for one’s worst enemies/those who have done them wrong before.</p>
Still having trouble getting him to do a weekly “heartbeat call” or skype. </p>