<p>mkm and notre dame - it must be a tough transition. But you are really very lucky to be in a position to make your own choices. I work and I’m fortunate enough to have a flexible schedule and a home office. My work is still very time consuming though and it really limits my activities in other areas. My house needs lots of work, I only get to my yoga class once a week, my garden is infested with weeds, and I love books but I’m usually too tired to read them. The balance is OK but not perfect. And yeah, as busy as I am, I miss my son very much. Can’t wait till Thanksgiving!</p>
<p>notre dame and mkm,
I still have a sophomore in hs in the nest, but he’s already got one wing on the runway. I’ve been home w/kids for about twenty years give or take some part time jobs and I’ve loved every minute of it. I started piano lessons two weeks ago. What a pleasure to take some lessons for MYSELF! I take a walk with my neighbor every morning, rain or shine and it helps me on many levels. I’ve also found CC to be a great outlet for sharing and learning.</p>
<p>notre dame and sarahsmom, you two have inspired me—I will sit down at piano and try to relearn what I was taught as a young student. With no one around that means there is no one to laugh at my attempts!</p>
<p>That’s awesome! I’ve been carting my kids to lessons for years and find my time at the piano to be really enjoyable. My teacher is sooo patient and encouraging. When I was a kid, the teacher told my mom that “if I couldn’t sit and practice for at least 40 minutes that she was wasting her money giving me lessons.” Well, thirtyfive years and an ADHD diagonsis later I know that I am worth the money and I’m enjoying the results!</p>
<p>DISCLAIMER: I am an optimist.</p>
<p>missypie consider what ColoradoMomof2 said:</p>
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<p>A fair reading of this thread can give you hope. Focus on those who discuss following their passions during child raising years. Then look at those posts that talk about an empty nest providing an opportunity for doing (or getting back to doing) things they had “always wanted” to do. </p>
<p>I find that life is ALWAYS a journey and each day should be lived to get a love of being alive out of THAT day. I never allowed the child and raising the child to take over as being EVERYTHING in my life. I was very, very active in my S’s life, but I made sure I filled my life with time for me (yes, my interests and passions), romantic love with my wife, shared experiences with wife sans S and frequent and on-going interaction and shared experiences with people I worked with (or for), acquaintances and strangers.</p>
<p>I see the isolation of a parent (including being in the company of, but not “connected” with your spouse) from his or her passions and personal growth and experience as a “soul killer.” It does not have to be. (Optimism alert!) And, I do not believe you can fool your kids any more than you can fool yourself. If you have substituted the child for having a life of your own, the kid knows that and for some having the burden of the parent’s happiness fall squarely on their shoulders is crushing for the child especially in gaining and using independence.</p>
<p>How much is empty next “da bomb?” Let me count the ways</p>
<ol>
<li><p>The amount of trash has been cut by probably 75-80%.</p></li>
<li><p>CLeaning the house and going out to the pool, cutting the grass, getting the mail, checking the weather and returning with nary a single empty soda can to be found.</p></li>
<li><p>Not laying awake at night worrying about where they are.</p></li>
<li><p>No shoes in the foyer</p></li>
<li><p>Noone to fight with over the TV</p></li>
<li><p>Three bedrooms floors which before were only presumed to exist are now clearly visible.</p></li>
<li><p>No responses of “ewww” to the question, “What’s for dinner?”</p></li>
<li><p>A complete disappearance of adolescent female drama</p></li>
<li><p>No more fighting over who gets to use the extra ticket for the Terps game.</p></li>
<li><p>The shower curtain stays closed and the bathroom is clean.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Ah, but in fairness, when you are raising kids and working and also want to have some parent “ECs” in many cases those end up being in kid related activities- PTA, school board, sports team coaching or coordinating, etc. With the limited time available whilst working and rasing a family it is not uncommon to put EC time into activities which are related to your kids.</p>
<p>The opportunity comes when the kids graduate and you can put that same opportunity into anything you choose. It is not that such parents are empty & soulless creatures, just that they are more like college freshman- a bit overwhelmed by all the options, needing to do the work of life, but still needing to explore new opportunites- and sometimes “homesick” for the old familiar places. Not everything you choose will be your logn term hobby, as we tell our kids, it takes time to make new friends who are true friends ;)</p>
<p>Very nicely written somemom! Thanks!!</p>
<p>Dad07, I’ve been a stay at home mom for 21 years. My “career” has been raising my children, caring for my home and providing a soft landing place for my husband and extended family. It was my life dream and I loved every minute of it. If you had a much lived career and it was reduced to a phone call or two a week, wouldn’t you take time to adjust, do some exploring and maybe even have some tears. Don’t assume that just because some of us are mourning the loss of a career we have loved that we won’t check out our options and start a new one.</p>
<p>Amen, Sarah.</p>
<p>D was home this weekend for Fall Break. I love her dearly but let me list the things I observed between Thursday and Friday.</p>
<p>No less than 5 soda cans in various places throughout the downstairs portion of our house.</p>
<p>Two soda cans on the windowsill of her bedroom.</p>
<p>4 count 'em 4 pairs of shoes in the kitchen/eating area/foyer</p>
<p>Two dirty plates on the family room coffee table</p>
<p>Number of times the trash was taken out: 4 Number of times normally: once every other day.</p>
<p>Number of days the bed in her room was made: 0, zippy, nada</p>
<p>When my daughter got home in August after a summer away, I happened to be out of the house on a short errand. I got home about 10 or 15 minutes after she had arrived. The house had been neat when I left, but in the few minutes that she had been home, it was transformed to look like a tornado had struck! She had entered the kitchen from the garage and sort of exploded her suitcases in the entrance way and beyond! It was incredible - clothes, souvenirs, and everything else strewn all over the floor, countertops, and stove top! And less than two minutes after that, her two best friends from h.s. entered the house through the same door she had used - she had called them on her way home from the airport and invited them to come over ASAP. I was glad to see her but the mess she made in such a short time was truly amazing!</p>
<p>Here is something that hasn’t yet been brought up and it might be relevant-- at least it is at my house.</p>
<p>Though senior year was DEPRESSING for me, because of her looming departure, and though I cried a lot in advance, I took more of the optimistic view once my D was actually gone (She’s now a junior & I still have 2 sons at home). I felt like I’d set down 33% of my heavy parenting backpack: YES! She’s cooked, done, fantastic, happy, competent-- so, I did good! Whooo, off you go; fly free my little one. And I REALLY felt that way at the conclusion of her freshman year, when she came back home so grown up-- it seemed to cement her adulthood in my eyes and it shifted our relationship into an adult-to-adult mode that I REALLY LIKE. (Can I mention here how much I hated being a harda$$ homework cop all those years? So NOT me!! Now I get to enjoy her without bossing her around!)</p>
<p>My H has taken more the half empty (7/8 empty?) view. </p>
<p>But here’s why I think he has. He is MUCH more introverted/shy/careful about people than I am. (I could make friends on an airplane or in a movie line. I trust easily.) He has far fewer close friends than I have. I think our kids are genuinely THE three people he most trusts on the planet (even ahead of me).</p>
<p>So while I set down 33% of my load, he lost 33% of his foundation. Thus it has hit us completely differently. Believe me he is 100% busy, engaged, etc so it has nothing to do with that.</p>
<p>I send my sympathy to those who are feeling sad about their kids being gone. I believe the hard blow version happens for many reasons that go way beyond “get a life,” or “get a hobbby” solutions. </p>
<p>I would say, if my H’s situation feels familiar, reach out to the people you trust and spend more time with them, let them take up some of the emotional slack. Write letters. Cultivate the old friendships you let drop a bit when you had kids. And look forward to the time with your kids this summer. It can be so beautiful when you allow yourself to be ‘done’ with the job part of parenting.</p>
<p>SBmom said: </p>
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<p>Sarahsmom42 and SBDad– I think that the analogy of parenting a child and a job is very apt and enlightening. I believe being a good father to my S is a dream job that hopefully will never be over.</p>
<p>As SBmom indicates, at the point that the child becomes a young adult, the “boss” job is OVER. And for me, it was a role that I gladly put down. I also like the fact that a parent can know almost to the date (and surely the year) when this job is over. </p>
<p>Just like income producing work, I think that the daily living is more rewarding when part of the process is planning and preparing for that “retirement.” To me it is an opportunity for re-inventing yourself for a new and exciting post-retirement endeavor and adventure.</p>
<p>I know some people will always wait until the day AFTER the retirement party to ask themselves WHAT NOW? It just seems to me that there is a greater probability that the retired parent will mourn and grieve more if s/he waits until then rather than plan ahead.</p>
<p>I can feel for the introvert parent who is left 7/8th empty. Slow to trust and make indepth friends. I guess that is a parent who really might not want to wait until their student has gone off to pursue his/her adult life to start looking for others to bring into their life.</p>
<p>I really appreciate having the benefit of both SBmom and **SBDad’s **point of view. </p>
<p>SBmom said: </p>
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<p>Eric Clapton discussed the impact of the death of his very young S the other night. He observed that the closest he ever came to feeling he knew his father (who he never met) was when his son was alive and he was with his S. </p>
<p>I too trust my S in a way that is exclusive. Good luck you two. It sounds like a great marriage and fortunate kids.</p>
<p>SBdad is not my husband, just for clarification! :)</p>
<p>It is actually causing some us marital stress, how differently he and I are reacting. I can’t help but worry about it getting even worse when our next S goes (soon). I can already see him clinging more to the littlest one, which is sweet in a way but maybe not so healthy…?</p>
<p>Hmm, my DH would tell you I am the one who is overinvolved with the kids, not him, but he is definitely subconsciously clinging to the youngest, more than clinging he is closely bonded to that one, always has been a unique relationship and I do think it will be much more difficult than he expects when she is gone away next fall! Whereas I am learning to be accustomed to the changes and looking for new things, I think her leaving will really leave an emptiness that he has not felt heretofor.</p>
<p>SBmom,
Maybe you should plan some fun dates! Take advantage of the new found time and try something new together. In the first few weeks after our second D went to school I could not really get excited about “new activities.” I started walking for 30 minutes a day and just that little bit of exercise and fresh air helped me over the hump.
We plan at least one “date” every weekend and try to spend at least 20 minutes a day talking about something that WE are doing or feeling. It’s really helped. I think that 07Dad is very right, seize the day!</p>
<p>I miss my kids, especially now that both of them are away at college, but boy it’s nice to have a car to myself again and not have to share it with anyone.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m not loving it yet. Still feelng a bit blue.</p>
<p>To add to the growing list of benefits of empty nest, our most recent gas bill was $34.00 as opposed to the $100+ it had been running.</p>