It can be tough when our kids or our family members don’t make the choices we “dreamed” for them or what we think is right or ok. Sometimes we don’t want kids to live together without marriage. Sometimes we don’t like the GF/BF choice. Sometimes we don’t like who they hang out with. Or how they run their relationship. It can be tough to accept if that was not part of OUR plan.
Truth is, we do have wishes for all our family members no matter how old - or young - they are. It ain’t easy to put that aside. But you have to look ahead and determine how your actions are going to accept the future - next week, next year, next decade. Where do you want to be with your family member then? Don’t focus on where will THEY be and with whom - you can’t control that once they are on their own. But where do YOU want to be??? Invest in that now.
@jeannemar, it is obvious that there is already strain between you and your son, if only because he chose not to discuss this with you. How much more strain do you want? The manner in which you handle this will determine whether in the future he will be a son, a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, or an enemy. You need to find a way to show him love and respect AND let him live his life, or you will spend the rest of your life wondering what happened. Be the adult you want him to be - talk!
FWIW, my sister is completely estranged from our parents for this kind of nonsense, and they have never met her daughter and never will. My respect for them went through the floor, and my family barely has anything to do with them either. So be careful, or it will get a lot worse.
And remember that he is also judging you. Any judgement you make should be in the interest of repairing your damaged relationship and not just proving (to yourself) your maturity or moral superiority.
It has to be very tough, but I think your only option is to embrace the relationship for what it is at this point. He is an adult, sounds like he is supporting himself, and still comes home to visit. Offer congrats and don’t ask about their relationship, but ask about their plans. I would probably be unable to avoid mentioning how young they are and that I would hope they might have a long engagement, but would also add that I would love and support them as best I can, no matter what. You can’t keep him from getting hurt, but you can support his choice and be there for him if that does happens, if he decides to end it, or if this couple goes on to be blissfully married for many decades,
OP: you refer to “us” and “we” so I wonder if you are living with the father of your son, or another co-parent? If so, what does that individual say about the situation?
If a good friend got engaged/married and I found out through a friend, I would wait for my friend to tell me in person too. It happened to me few years ago. I figured if they’ve wanted me to know then they would have told me. As it turned out, they purposely didn’t want people to know ahead of the time and the groom’s best man accidentally let it slip. I bought a present for them after they told us.
I still think if the son had wanted his mom to know, he would have told her. Maybe he is embarrassed (by what his girlfriend did), maybe he is not sure, maybe he is afraid his mom maybe mad…What does it matter? If it is real then OP will find out (be told) at some point. Would it be so late for her to offer her congratulations? I think by confronting the son is forcing the issue. How many times have we not told our parents who we are dating or in a relationship? Does it always mean our relationship are strained/broken or were we just not certain yet. I would have been upset if my parents were to confront me because they heard from a friend I was holding hands with someone.
This is different than the good-friend scenario that you posit, because the son and the GF have made a public announcement. If your friend announced her engagement on Facebook, and you saw the announcement, would you just ignore it? I don’t think so – most people would call the friend to congratulate her, or, if not a close friend, would post a congratulations on Facebook.
Here the situation is not parallel because it is expected that a son would inform his parents of the news before announcing it publicly, so it is understandable that the parents would be hurt and confused. But I don’t think the parents should ignore the public announcement.
I would definitely call the son before the Labor Day get-together with the son and girlfriend.
This isn’t about holding hands and it’s not about confronting. It’s about mentioning something life-changing that is out there as public knowledge, but wasn’t communicated to the parents. Mom has every right to bring it up, but given the apparent prickly nature of the parent-child relationship, she should actively avoid “confronting” her son. But since the PARENT has had at least one 3rd party congratulating her, it only makes sense to at least mention it.
My mother was disowned for marrying my father. She was from a southern WASP family where you were supposed to marry into the “right” family with the “right” family name. But my father had none of those things going for him. He was from a large working class family (one of ten kids), no money, and to make matters worse, Catholic. What a scandal
He was in college when they met, though, the first in his family to go, but his family wasn’t thrilled with my mother either. My paternal grandfather was OK, but not my grandmother, and his brothers staged an intervention at the last minute trying to convince him not to marry my mother. They felt she was from a different world and didn’t “fit” with the family, and my grandmother always did her best to make sure my mother never felt like part of the family.
They had a church wedding, but no family, no guests, no gifts, no fancy wedding dress. Just two witnesses and a priest. My mother left with one suitcase, my father had nothing, and they laugh about how all their combined worldly belongs fit in the back seat of the car. They also laugh about the first time my father came over to meet my mother’s parents. He had a summer job at a saw mill, came straight from work driving an old jalopy and was filthy. My dad now says “I’d have hated me too!” LOL. My grandmother said “you can’t be serious . . . what do you possibly see in him?” My mother said . . . “he’s just so much fun” And they’re still having fun.
My mother’s parents ended up adoring my father and became their favorite SIL by far. I don’t think it hurt that he ended up doing well financially, but that wasn’t the main reason. I became very close with those grandparents, but not my father’s side of the family. Unlike her family, my father’s family resented my father’s success, and it got worse when my mother started her own business and became equally successful. They would have big family get-togethers that we weren’t invited to and then call my father to tell him about how much fun they were. When we were invited, I hated going because they treated my mother like a social outcast. She never stopped trying with them for my father’s sake, but I had no use for family who treated my mother that way no matter how friendly they tried to be with me.
I became much closer with some of my aunts and uncles on my father’s side once my father’s mother passed away, and some of them are great to my mother now. I think my grandmother was busy poisoning the rest of the family against us until the day she died. Ironic considering she went to church almost every day. Makes me wonder if she spent all that time praying my parents would split up.
All that said, I completely understand where the OP is coming from. But his life decisions are now his to make, and they won’t necessarily be ones you’d make or want him to make. You don’t have to talk about it or pretend you are fine with them when you are not. He’ll see through that, but it would be a good idea to let him know you support HIM no matter what his decisions are - and keep your door open as wide as you can even if his is halfway shut.
Ok, so the kid thought FB announcement was sufficient/appropriate in announcing a life changing event to his mom. Maybe mom should just click on “like,” “love,” “haha,” “wow,” but maybe “sad” or “angry” would be more appropriate to acknowledge it.
My mother is another example of putting her own opinions, feelings, and standards first. Long story, but she met my brother’s kids when they were 8 and no matter how generous she declared herself after that (gifts sent, etc,) she never had a relationship with them. Even after the marriage soured.
That’s not to predict how OP’s situation will be, nor to say you always have to suck it up and suffer. Just realize that when our kids make their choices, they hold the cards. It’s no longer all about “us.”
Why would that matter? OP’s son has already talked about marrying this girl, so the implication that he only proposed because they’re expecting is inaccurate and unkind. If I were OP’s son or his fiancee, I’d be insulted by it. It’s certainly not going to improve OP’s relationship with her son or his (future) wife.
I think OP missed the boat by not picking up the large hints he was dropping that this was coming. He did tell you; you just refused to hear it. I think your next move will define your relationship. I’d call him up and congratulate them, invite them to dinner, and start finding something to like about her.
H is really irate about this so it’s hard to talk to him about it. He is more likely to burn bridges than I am. I think I am trying to protect the father/son relationship by downplaying the engagement.
^ even if it turns out they’re not really engaged. How we act when they emancipate can help or hinder.
My bff’s son had an uncertain relationship with the gf. Living together, maybe we’re serious, maybe not. Bff thought the gal was possessive and bossy. But she worked it. She was respectful of boundaries, open and supportive.
The kids were growing by leaps and bounds, are not who they were in the beginnjng. A good team. They did get engaged, but more important, the 3 of them now get along very well.
Echoing austin- do NOT bring up the fact that she might be pregnant. For so many reasons, that is not your place to inquire about.
My mother-in-law doesn’t really like me (FIL is more accepting). I am the exact opposite of everything they wanted for their son. But to their credit, they value their son’s happiness over their own vision for who he “should” be with. We’re not especially close but we do have a civil relationship and have all just silently agreed that none of us are going to change but that doesn’t mean we can’t be a loose family.
This was only possible though because his parents more or less held their tongue. Sure, they’d slip in jabs- they still do every now and again- but in general we’re all pretty civil.
I do hope there is some sort of reconciliation, but your son absolutely knows how you feel about his girlfriend/fiance even if you don’t say anything explicitly about her/them.
I saw that post in the “Say it Here” thread too. My first thought was that the elder gentleman is lonely, having lived with someone his entire life and knows he hasn’t got that much more time, so he’s getting married to someone who makes him happy. It’s less a slap at his special late wife than a testament to her-he knows how nice it can be to be with the person you love. I work around older people and this isn’t an uncommon thing.
There are only two scenarios that I can see at the moment.
The son’s relationship with fiancee (not just another girlfriend) ends–Saying “I told you so” only breeds resentment. You destroy any relation you have with your son even though you may be inwardly happy that the relationship ended…
He might be happy too. But You made your son’s life event all about you instead of him. You might forget it but he won’t.
The relationship survives, maybe even to thrive–You’ve destroyed (or crippled) any relationship you have with your son (and his wife) even if you change your mind and decide it was a good match after all. Your lack of support and criticism at the beginning is what they’ll remember for umpteen years. It’ll take a lot of repairing bridges to have a good relationship with them (and future grandchildren).
