After the post on FB, S texted to see if he could come over for dinner. So I assumed he would say something then, and I didn’t want to step on his announcement. But not a word. He didn’t know about Labor Day plans at that point. But I will say something to him this week. How about, “Were you planning to tell your grandparents about your engagement on Monday?” Or is that passive aggressive? I can’t tell any more.
Unless you are teetotalers, go get some champagne to bring to that Labor Day event and toast the announcement. Even if you have to elicit the announcement. That can not be a bad memory. one way or another.
adding: this recommendation is based on the experience of a friend whose MIL really detested her. When people asked her about the engagement announcement to his family (whom most folks understood were decidedly unenthusiastic about the engagement), she could say “they had champagne in the refrigerator and drank a toast” And that was a very good thing. And they have been married 40 years.
" How about, “Were you planning to tell your grandparents about your engagement on Monday?” Or is that passive aggressive?
How about “I saw your facebook page. Is there something you need to tell me?”
@jeannemar - about as passive-aggressive as you can get, if that’s your opening salvo. And it will be a salvo as it will start a war. Them’s fighting words.
Why not simply, “So and so mentioned that you announced your engagement on Facebook. Congratulations!” Or better still, “I understand you’ve gotten engaged. Congratulations!”
If you are teetotalers or there may be some attending, have some sparkling cider also as an alternative to champagne.
I’d be as positive as possible and find as much as you can to like about fiancé. Get your H to also be as positive as possible–build the future and relationship you want to have with the parents of your grandkids.
Please tell me the fiance is invited to the Labor Day Event.
Please reassure me she hasn’t been made unwelcome in your home, or your mother’s home.
Someone said that he is an adult, supporting himself, and his decisions should be respected.
IS he self-supporting? If not, does that change the response for any of you?
Maybe OP said he was self-supporting, but I missed it.
If he isn’t self supporting, I would discuss the ramifications of marriage when one isn’t able to support oneself. I would let him know whether I would or wouldn’t continue an allowance after marriage.
I would preface it by saying, “of course, I adore X. That isn’t the issue”
One of my kids got married while in grad school, so been there and done that.
As has been pointed out, there may be an engagement that doesn’t lead to marriage. That does happen with young people, these days. imho.
My older brother was engaged at 19 (sophomore year), married at the end of junior year, and they just celebrated their 43rd anniversary. My SIL recently said they didn’t tell relatives right away because they just didn’t want to be judged.
FWIW, I would not say anything and would wait for him to tell you when they are ready. If it turns out she is his soul mate, you’ll be very happy in the end.
Of course, it is important for the couple to be self-supporting if they plan to marry. I have not read from OP whether this is the case of not, just that they are living together.
If they are not self-supporting, I would ask S at a future date what I could do to help him become self-supporting in the near future. Under many policies, he may lose family medical insurance coverage after he marries, as well as other potential benefits.
This is what I’d do. Too many of the other suggestions are or could come off as passive-aggressive. I would do it sooner rather than later. I definitely wouldn’t wait till the Labor Day party.
Engagements can be long or short. If you are covering medical insurance you might want to let him know if he’d lose your coverage. I can’t imagine any kid thinking a parent is going to support a married couple beyond possibly sharing a cell phone plan for convenience.
“How about, “Were you planning to tell your grandparents about your engagement on Monday?” Or is that passive aggressive? I can’t tell any more.”
Nope, don’t say that. Either say nothing or mention that you heard about the engagement and say congratulations.
Ditto on the passive aggressive point.
If you want a future relationship with your son and his future family, call him immediately and say something along the following lines:
“I heard that you announced your engagement on Facebook. Congratulations! I assume you didn’t tell your father and me because you thought we wouldn’t be supportive. The fact is, I personally think you are way too young to be thinking about marriage. But the most important thing to me is that you are happy and that we maintain a good relationship. We would never do anything to jeopardize our future relationship with you and your future family. In thinking about this over the last couple of days, I realized that we don’t really know [girlfriend’s name] all that well. I want to remedy that by spending more time with the two of you together. We really want to give her a warm welcome into the family.”
Then perhaps ask if they have had any discussions about timing, in a neutral manner. You could also ask how her family feels.
Then when you next see the girlfriend, you absolutely positively must greet her warmly with a hug and a congratulations. Not making that simple gesture will have negative ramifications for years to come.
I would suggest congratulating him on his engagement and ASKING him if he and his fiancee wish to announce it to the family at the Labor Day party.
And if the GF hasn’t been invited, she should be.
jeannemar- I think your statement would be passive aggressive and would get their defenses up. Say something like others have suggested and don’t hammer them for details. For now, they just may want to be engaged to formalize their commitment. They may not know how soon they want to marry. “Sometime in the future”, is fine.
Consolation is exactly right. And limit what you say - why would you tell him you’re upset? He probably knows that.
“I heard you got engaged. Congratulations!” That’s more than enough to start the conversation.
I got married without telling my parents or his parents. We had been living together in college They were upset a little, but got over it. Frankly, it was our business, and if we didn’t want them to pay for a wedding or have a wedding at all, we didn’t have to tell them. We did have to explain somewhat as it was foreign to them not to want to have a wedding. There was a significant distance involved as well so that probably made it easier to take.
My aunts were actually mad because they assumed we must have had a big wedding and not invited them.
We also didn’t tell my or his parents we were living together. My mom never asked if I was dating or seeing someone. The issue never came up until my boyfriend helped me move out of my dorm and I had to explain why I kissed “some random person nice enough to help me move”.
I also think my spouse never told his parents that we were living together. He had to explain when we stayed at his mother’s house that we would share a room.
For some reason, my mother thought she should have “the Talk” with me after I told her I (age 19) was living with a guy. I told her not to bother…
I agree with the sentiment, but would keep It shorter and more positive:
*“I heard that you announced your engagement on Facebook. Congratulations! I am not sure why you didn’t tell your father and I, but that isn’t really important right now. We would like to spend some more time with you and your fiancé, getting to know her better, and would like to do something to celebrate your engagement and welcome her into the family if that is okay with you - perhaps at the Labor Day party?” *
I just think OP needs keep driving strongly towards the positive, because it sounds like the negatives are already poisoning the relationship.
And OP, if you are going to be supportive (and I truly hope you are!) then it would be prudent to sit down with your son and his fiancé and discuss the wedding schedule and your role (if any!) in it. If you are going to be contributing time or money, it would helpful to them to know how much of each and how much notice you would need. If nothing else, the discussion will be illustrative - if this is a loose engagement, you will do all the talking, if they are serious then they will probably have at least started talking about it.
I tend towards @Consolation - don’t say anything you don’t mean. Congratulations is what people say. It is what is done. It might ring hollow. Just keep saying it over and over to yourself. It will be something you can say. And hopefully in a neutral tone that doesn’t hint at your displeasure.
The thing is, I think you do care. I think you care deeply. And I don’t blame you one bit. Our kids know us so well. They know how to cut to the bone when they want to.
Life is a long time. You might have to fake a smile. But as a parent, you’ve done that hundreds of times before. Treat him (and her) how you’d like to be treated. Even though he (and she) hasn’t shown you the same courtesy.
Ask them if they want to announce at the party and hopefully they will. Maybe you make some lemonade. A nice vat of it. Your way of making lemonade out of the lemons in this situation. THAT’s your private passive aggressive act. Just leave the hemlock elsewhere.
Help yourself to move past this part.
jeannemar: I want to applaud you for coming on the internet to vent, ask advice, and try and figure out how best to deal with this situation. If you weren’t an extremely caring mother, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
eta: we keep jumping to discussing wedding plans. That may hasten a wedding. This is an engagement. (we think) Maybe they haven’t even discussed a date. They just want to make their relationship official for some reason. I wouldn’t necessarily ask about planning. Maybe, just maybe, ask about whether they have a date in mind. If they give you one two years off, just relax. imho. fwiw
I wanted to ask - are there any possible religious issues at play?
If the OP’s son is a different religion than her, or his fiancee is a different religion from her son and she, that can make these discussions more difficult.
My spouse and I are atheistic but our parents are various religions (technically four varieties of Christian including Catholic). That was actually a HUGE reason that we talked about having a “real wedding” and shot down the discussion pretty quickly. We would have considered getting married in a church even as atheists, but which church? Where (we were hours away from three parents, hours by plane from the fourth parent)?
I know that as uncomfortable as it was talking about planning a “real wedding” with my live-in boyfriend, and shooting it down due to religion and other reasons (divorced family members, cost, and travel requirements were two others), it would have been WAY more uncomfortable to talk about it with my or his parents.
I guess OP should be prepared for a response that is surprising to her, so that is a very good reason to keep things positive and non-judgemental - without knowing what you are really judging yet.