In my experience, actions like this are more often defensive than offensive. He is probably not trying to hurt his mother, he is probably trying to protect himself and his fiancé.
Never fake a smile with family! It’s a lie, and they can tell! Rather, remind yourself that the young couple are trying to find happiness in the world, and that should make you happy as well. Are they doing it they way you wanted? No, but that’s not their fault. Are they (or even just he) going to have it easy? Probably not, but they probably never were anyway. Are they serious in the first place? Isn’t finding that out for themselves a crucial part of the process?
Don’t fake a smile, think about the good things this can bring until you can smile honestly.
+1 on @nottelling’s suggestion. When we announced our engagement, at age 25 and after nearly three years of steady dating, neither of my husband’s parents gave me a hug or demonstrated any enthusiasm. It was surprising and hurtful, as I expected they would be as happy as my parents (who adore my husband) were. Our relationship has been cordial over the past 30 years, but they never showed much interest in our child, either.
Ironically, my inlaws both have dementia now, and I’m the chief family caregiver. You never know who is going to wind up taking care of you in your old age!
I also agree with @nottelling. I recall my family was a bit unenthusiastic about our engagement, as was SisIL. Everyone was ok by the wedding date, a year later and we just celebrated our 30th anniversary this year. My family adores H and I get along great with H’s family as well.
Be as genuinely positive as you can and really make an effort to get to know the fiancé and find things to like about her and their relationship.
@alh thank you for your comments. This is really helping me process in a way that I can’t with my H because he is too pissed off. He is getting better, though.
These kids are living “la vie boheme” and we are waiting for them to get tired of it. I realize they may not, but if S had to pay for cell service, health and car insurance and paid us back the $1000 we’ve lent him, he’d be completely broke. She reportedly has a bunch of student loans. Both dropped out of college. Getting married any time soon would be a poor decision.
There are no religious issues from my perspective. H and I are Christians but S says he doesn’t believe. Her parents appear to be church-going folks (sister is in Catholic high school) but she reportedly has a panic attack if she has to go inside a church. I doubt there would be any church wedding, and that is not an issue. I think @alh is right, and this is a step towards being “official.”
I think my line will be, “I’m very happy for you.”
I think the fact that the engagement was posted on Facebook (announced to the world) and the parents haven’t officially been told yet is a bigger issue than the engagement itself. I don’t know what I’d do in such a situation, except tread carefully. Don’t proclaim to be overjoyed which will just come off as fake, but don’t accuse either.
We have several nieces and nephews who announce life events via Facebook before the family (parents and grandparents at least) knows, and it make my own kids crazy. How many times have I heard, “why didn’t anyone tell me so and so is getting married, pregnant, both of those things, etc. I saw it on Facebook.”
One of my Ds posted her engagement on Facebook and it made one of her aunts angry to not have been told first. The aunt was vacationing in Europe for weeks!
@jeannemar - will your son not be eligible to be on your health insurance if he gets married? I’m not sure about the rules for these things. Usually coverage extends to children up to age 26, correct? But is that only if they are claimed as dependents? Can they be claimed as a dependent if they are married?
I’m asking for you and for all of us - please don’t hit your son with these questions right away, just support the engagement, which is just an engagement at this point. And just button your lips about him not being totally financially independent yet. You need to regain an easy relationship with him and his fiancee, first and foremost!
Under the ACA, you can stay on your parent’s insurance through the age of 26 even if you’re married and not claimed as a dependent.
Of course, there are some exceptions depending on your state and policy so be sure to check those… but the above applies to the vast majority of plans.
**Note though that grandkids are not covered. I am not sure how they work but I know some people have been mighty surprised that their kid was covered but then their kid’s kid wasn’t.
Yes, medical insurance is something that should be checked with insurer. I’d call your insurer if it covers your S currently under family plan and ask how long he remains covered, whether he’s still covered if financially independent, whether still covered if married, etc.
Knowledge is power and at some point, you and your S many want/needs answers to these Qs. Under our policy, S was covered thru age 26, even tho he was financially independent and working full time and offered insurance by his employer.
Our friend’s D lost insurance coverage when D got married, even tho she was under age 26. She was uninsured briefly, until she was able to acquire a job that provided medical insurance benefits.
“I heard that you announced your engagement on Facebook.”. “Congrats.”
Wait to see what he says before loading questions and comments on him. The idea is to respect him, not jump right back into mommying.
One of mine is marrying too early, date set. Soon. Financially not sound. Living arrangements not sound. I think some pressure from the other. Nothing I can do to change that. Were making the best of it we can.
But I joked with a friend that financial support will change. They with now be an official couple, meant to rely on each other, not run home when they need, say, a car insurance payment.
Whatever you do - if you are invited - you MUST MUST go to the wedding. Even if you despise the girl. My mother’s mother did not come to her second wedding because he was Jewish (eye roll) and it was probably the worst wound of my mother’s life. Even though my gm later admitted she had misjudged him and he always treated her with respect and was a great dad to me, I cannot even begin to tell you how deep this wound goes, even after 40+ years.
If the OP has group insurance, any child under 26 can be covered - married, single, dependent, hobo. But the DIL can’t be covered and grandchildren are not covered. They do not have to be tax form dependents That’s the law.
If it is not a group policy, then the dependent doesn’t have to be covered. The policy terms would govern.
My Jewish father-in-law waited seven years to get married to my MIL who was raised a Christian Scientist. Her family disowned her. She was an only child and a wonderful women. I always wondered what kind of hateful unforgiving sorts they must have been.
Don’t worry, I’m not planning to disown anyone or refuse to go to the wedding. I just hope that the wedding will be far off in the future when they have some sort of plan.
I just want to say that I appreciate that people are trying to encourage the OP to view this positively and act in accordance with that, but it IS a possibility that her S and his GF are a pair of irresponsible ne’er do wells, short-sighted, thoughtless, and selfish to boot. (Letting your parents find out you are engaged by people who saw a post on FB?? Sorry, that doesn’t fly for me. Waiting to tell people is one thing. Telling the world in general including your parents’ friends but not your parents is another.) Or that he is being led around by his nose by a young woman whose lack of commitment to him is indicated by her affairs with others of both sexes. So maybe she is in the right in taking a dim view of the young woman and of her son’s behavior.
Although even if that is so, doing whatever she can to preserve her relationship with her son has to be a priority, or it would be for me.
I haven’t read anyone here that has opined on whether the couple SHOULD get married or condoning the approach of posting in Facebook before talking to the parents about the engagement. What everyone in the thread seems to be encouraging is for OP to talk with S in a non-judgmental way about this news and preserve and build her relationship with him and FDIL. This would apply whether the couple is great now or has “room for improvement.”
@Consolation This is the line we are walking. Wanting to be supportive and on good terms with our son while less than thrilled by his choices. I do think we get to say that at some point. “Led around by his nose” pretty much nails it. But he allows himself to be led.
Even if the relationship is not one the parents approve of, even if they are both “n’er do wells”, even if they’re immature, short-sighted and selfish, none of that matters if the goal is to keep the lines of communication open. If one goes into a conversation/meeting/gathering full of disapproval, then “preserving the relationship” isn’t going to happen. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue hard and hope the kids grow up at some point.
My own two older kids took winding paths to maturity, but because my tactic was to keep my judgement to myself, they continued communicating and we never lost our links to each other. Conversely, their father told one of them that she was “ruining her life” caused exactly the brick wall one would expect it to.
OP, as for allowing himself to be led-I have a relative like that. But it works for them. The young woman is the “decider” in that family, but it’s a successful family with a great kid who seems to understand that not all families are alike and that his family works for them. Maybe your son is just being pushed around, but it’s possible he knows exactly what he’s doing.
@Himom, I’ve seen a lot of posts accusing the OP of being at fault in any reluctance the S has in telling his parents about the engagement. Lots of accusations of her being excessively judgmental. Especially at the beginning of the thread. The tone has moderated since then.
@jeannemar, I was tempted to cite a body part other than his nose, LOL.