<p>Because someone asked…The couple is, as far as I know, plain vanilla Caucasion.–not aware of ethnic traditions in this case. They are a lovely couple, very well-to-do families on both sides, but not at all ostentatious. DS is in professional school and has no money, so extravagance isn’t an option. He could afford a bottle of bubbly and a card–I will make that suggestion. The couple lives on the West Coast and his parents are hosting the party on the East Coast which is his home. DS is working under the assumption that the party is an opportunity to get the couple’s friends together to celebrate their engagement. I expect a number of family friends (ie: parents’ friends) as well. The wedding is next summer.</p>
<p>MommaJ; that was my situation too…I did not give anything for the shower having already been left no option gifting for the engagement party and naturally for the wedding. Thumper: you are right but this was very close family and my choice was to cause a rift by refusing to gift what was requested or just being resentful on the inside - and
here 
If I have anything to do with it, my kids will not be making people uncomfortable.</p>
<p>*
People still have engagement parties?
I am so low-class. We only ever hear about showers/stag parties and then the wedding. *</p>
<p>I don’t think that increasing opportunities to receive gifts/ money is considered " upper class".</p>
<p>Re" shower gifts…I often give one gift at the shower. It generally serves as shower/wedding gift. I do have to add that most kids register for stuff in all price ranges… </p>
<p>Ek, I feel sarcasm in that post. Count me in as a low class, too! No, I’m not against anyone having a party, it is just that I was brought up in a culture that the host provides all food, drinks, and a festive atmosphere for everyone to have fun times… Gifts are not a part of the formula. Unless it is a birthday party for a young kid. :)</p>
<p>You gave the right advice. Engagement parties are to meet the spouse-to-be and their families…not supposed to be gift-giving occasions. I don’t think there is a need for engagement gift, bridal shower and wedding gift.</p>
<p>I’m with you, BB. When my parents had an engagement party for me, and when my sister had an engagement party for her daughter, both were festive occasions where the parents’ friends and the local friends could meet the daughter’s fiance. Gifts were not expected. It was just a festive occasion to celebrate the engagement and for people who knew one of the members of the happy couple to meet the other member.</p>
<h1>22 Good point! ;)</h1>
<p>My experience is similar to CFang’s in post 26. My H’s aunt gave one for me and my parents gave one for my sister in their hometown where my sister had long left. Gifts weren’t a part of it. </p>
<p>"The couple lives on the West Coast and his parents are hosting the party on the East Coast which is his home. DS is working under the assumption that the party is an opportunity to get the couple’s friends together to celebrate their engagement. I expect a number of family friends (ie: parents’ friends) as well. "</p>
<p>I think this is key. The parents want their local friends to meet the other half of the happy couple, knowing full well that most will not be invited to or able to attend the wedding. Makes perfect sense to me, and I say no gift is required (or, if you want a hostess gift for the hosts, that’s fine). </p>
<p>I didn’t have an engagement party and neither did my kids. Not our custom. However it is our custom to never go to someone’s party or dinner empty handed. A bottle of wine, flowers or a small hostess gift are acceptable.</p>
<p>I don’t think gifts are necessary or expected for engagement parties. Some people may bring gifts but those who don’t should not feel guilty. In my book, a bottle of wine or something as a hostess gift is nice but not mandatory at a larger party.</p>
<p>Some of you have said you’ve seen an increase in “gift-grabbing” behavior. My experience has been just the opposite. Almost every invitation for an adult birthday or anniversary gathering I’ve received lately has specified “No gifts.” This is also true for most weddings where the couple is older (say, over late 30s), regardless whether it is a first or second marriage. And, the trend is even spreading to children’s birthday parties, at least at hybrid parties where adults make up a portion of the guest list. But even at kid-centric parties, some parents are choosing to put a “no gifts” message in invitations, and then NOT allowing kids to open the gifts that some still bring in front of the other kids. I applaud these moves!</p>
<p>By the way, traditional etiquette says it is tacky to put any mention of gifts on an invitation, even to say, “no gifts.” I think it is preferable to plainly state no gifts, but some who follow the traditional etiquette might refrain from including such a message even when gifts are NOT expected. </p>
<p>Or…your presence is requested</p>
<p>We are hosting an engagement party for our S and future DIL. Many guests have asked where they are registered. Many of the gifts are being sent to their home across country, so dont know what they are getting (well I know some). My s is perfectly happy if people make a donation somewhere (some have). They really don’t want/need/have room for “stuff” but people want to give them a gift., which I think is lovely. If others dont’, thats fine too. Just let them come and celebrate our happiness.</p>
<p>S was married 2 years ago and D has been a bridesmaid in multiple weddings over the last 3 years. The only rule we can come up with is that there are no rules and things are different in all areas of the country. In my area, an engagement party is a no gifts occasion. If a shower or gift party is given, many people (myself included) will give a gift from the registry that is about double or more of the cost of the standard shower gift given here and that serves as both shower & wedding gift. Cash is rarely given as a wedding gift and then typically from close relatives.</p>
<p>D is a bridesmaid in a wedding in the Northeast in early September and we continue to try to figure that situation out. MOB gave the shower with support from MOG. Both then joined the bridesmaids and bride for the spa bachelorette outing. D begged off from these as financial commitments for the wedding alone are significant and the shower/bachelorette would have really piled on. After getting the low down from another bridesmaid, she was glad she did - lots of drama, but that’s another story. In my area of the country, a MOB giving a shower would cause incessant criticism from the living and the dead would be rolling in their graves. Yes, I’m a Southerner 
</p>
<p>
This is key. Something that may seem rude and tacky in one part of the country is typical or even obligatory somewhere else. Neither set of customs is “wrong.” It can be a culture shock if you go to a wedding, or shower, or bar mitzvah in a part of the country where more expensive gifts are typical, and you’re from a place where they aren’t.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It would not be regarded as the thing to do amongst my acquaintance either, and I am from New England, born and bred. :)</p>
<p>We’ve talked about the whole giving money thing many times. As far as I can tell, it originated with Mediterranean and Eastern European customs of giving gold to the bride. The mother of a friend whose family was Syrian/Lebanese Christian had some impressively beautiful gold bangle bracelets, and she explained that that’s what they were. (She also said she hid them in my friend’s incredibly messy bedroom when she went away, LOL.) The region doesn’t really have as much to do with it as the ethnicity, IMHO. There are just more people of those ethnicities in some parts of the country.</p>
<p>OP, that was why I asked about the ethnicity of the families. From your description of the situation, it sounds as if the groom’s parents are simply giving a nice party to introduce the bride to local friends and to celebrate with friends who will most likely not be at the wedding. That’s a nice thing to do, and IMHO no gift is required. I do think that the bottle of bubbly in a nice wine bag with a card is a gracious and thoughtful hostess/celebratory gift.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think this comes down to semantics. Awareness and common practice may vary by location, but traditional etiquette itself is mostly about concern and consideration for others and is meant to apply universally, though undoubtedly failing more often than not. </p>
<p>With that said, engagement parties are not historically or traditionally a gift giving occasion. The announcement is ideally a surprise , though that would be challenging today. Since it is generally thrown by family, the idea is you shouldn’t be seen as asking for gifts. </p>
<p>Even with the type of party that is announced ahead of time, gifts should not be expected at an engagement party and gift registry information should not go on an invitation. </p>
<p>Once people are aware that there are guests of honor, there are inevitably to be more than a few who are going to want bring or send presents, anyway. That’s their prerogative and that’s where you may see differences in common practice ( not etiquette) regionally. </p>
<p>More than one gift giving occasion aside from the wedding, especially if advertised and aimed at the same group, gets into gift grubbing territory fairly quickly, IMO. </p>
<p>I think that the engagement parties I’ve been to were considered both “meet the family or meet the bride/groom” whatever the situation as well as gift-giving parties. I have seen gift tables for those who brought gifts but I generally send a gift from the registry or something that I select as an appropriate engagement gift rather than drag a gift with me that the bride/groom/family will need to take somewhere and store. For showers, it depends. I might get something from the registry or not. It depends how well I know the bride. Younger d’s oldest friend is getting married in another state in Sept and she is a bridesmaid. I just attended the shower in the bride’s home, it was relatively small group of close relatives, the bride’s friends who still are fairly local or can get home, the groom’s mother and aunt who live in another state in another part of the U.S and many of the mothers of the close group of girlfriends. My older d was invited too and for all of us are invited to the wedding which is in an entirely different state at the law school where the couple met. My girls and I put together a lovely assortment of special kitchen-type gifts from Anthropologie including a cookbook and an apron, not of which were from the registry plus I gave her a special children’s book that is close to my heart. This weekend is the bachelorette party and the bride’s friends from college and law school are all flying in from different parts of the U.S. for a weekend in a borrowed house in the Hamptons. I am not attending the wedding but I will send a generous gift. I also bought d’s dress to wear as a bridesmaid. She paid for her flight and I will likely pick up the hotel cost for her. She has to buy shoes. Her boyfriend has to buy a new suit as well as rent a car. There wasn’t any engagement party and I did not send an engagement gift. </p>
<p>I had a cousin who hosted an elaborate engagement party on the East Coast for her son who was getting married in Arizona. She knew that many of her close friends and close family members would not be able to attend the wedding. I had planned to go to the wedding but couldn’t get there because of Hurricane Sandy. In this case, DH and I did go up to Boston for the engagement party as we wanted to meet the bride and family. I did send an engagement gift from the registry but was not invited to any shower. Had I known that I would’t be part of any shower, I would have likely sent a bigger engagement gift. We did of course send a generous wedding gift and we are all still disappointed that we never made it to the wedding.</p>
<p>
Well-stated! There isn’t much concern and consideration for others when they are repeatedly invited to events surrounding one wedding requiring gifts. Most brides and grooms are considerably older than used to be the norm, so do they really need all these gifts? NO. </p>