Have to pose this question because when my son posed it to me yesterday I didn’t have a good answer!
S is starting an engagement ring search. He has a plan mapped out which includes making stops at local jewelers, a big box jewelry store and even a peek at Costco (truth - he’s a VERY economical guy!). He wants to learn, compare, explore before making his purchase.
Yesterday he stopped at a local shop and had a very nice conversation with one of the owners - I use this shop locally for repairs and such. He came home and asked me, “so why is the tradition to have both an engagement ring AND a wedding ring? Can you just have an engagement ring that counts for both?” Now he is not trying to cheap out of a second ring :), he just didn’t really understand the tradition.
While I know that some people only have a wedding band and I know that the wedding band is usually part of the wedding service (but maybe not in all faiths?) I really could not tell him why the need for TWO rings. The guy only wears one!
What is your take on this tradition? Have you known couples to only opt to have one - but that be the engagement ring??
I’m not very “up” on newer traditions or weddings in general since my own 30+ years ago. I’m curious!!!
Another website with which I have experience is www.pricescope.com and it can direct him to reputable online vendors.
Contrary to what intuition suggests, buying a stone online may be a very good alternative because of the information that is available about individual stones. He and his fiancee may want to look in person to try on rings, of course.
As for personal choice, most young men take into account their prospective fiancee’s preferences (not saying your S isn’t doing that). Most young women prefer to and are very happy to receive an engagement ring. But, if some young women prefer to wear just one ring, then it’s the wedding band.
Here’s some marketing info about the origins of the “engagement ring”:
Well my guess is that the tradition of an engagement ring stems from wanting some indication that the female is “off the market” during the months or years before the wedding actually takes place. Times have changed but I still don’t know any women that have rejected the idea of being presented with an engagement ring. Sure there are some who just prefer the funds be committed elsewhere but in general I think the tradition, no matter how dated, is still alive and well.
The band to me is also essential because a diamond ring as daily wear does not always work - I would not wear my engagement ring to yoga, the gym or skiing or any other activity where it would be uncomfortable.
The Gemological Institute of America (GIA) has a lot of information. They train diamond appraisers. As a teaching non-profit, most of their interest is in training and in productinDiamonds are a great choice since they are so hard, they do not scratch. As noted in post #1, cut is very important because of its impact on brilliance and fire. However, this is only for the traditional round brilliant cut (and the newer variants that have come out from advanced modeling that are not the traditional 57 (or 56) facet cut).
The engagement ring is a gift offering as a promise of marriage. During the wedding ceremony, the ring is presented. If the engagement ring continues to be worn, it is put on after the wedding ring, which is placed closer to the heart.
Also, if there are ethical considerations about diamonds, in general, other gemstones (just make sure they are hard enough to withstand daily wear) are a lovely alternative. I have also directed a couple of friends to look for vintage pieces which have experienced a resurgence in popularity and can be especially meaningful.
In general, I would advise him to avoid buying at the engagement ring mall stores except to do some in-person looking.
And I know the conversation among my late twenty-somethings and their friends has lately revolved around conflict-free diamonds when discussing possible engagement rings. One couple opted for an antique, another went the non-diamond route. I know this is a topic the couples have debated before the purchase of a ring, even if the purchase/presentation of the actual ring will be a surprise.
I know there is no definite answer to this, but I have to ask in behalf of dummies like me.
For a young man from a “middle class” family (let’s define the midfle class family as one whose annual household income as between $80’000 and $100,000 with modest retirement + other after-tax assets worth, say, $350,000 to $400,000 (when the age of parents about 60) excluding the equity in their house), how much will he likely spend on an engagement ring as well as a wedding ring? Is the former usually less (or more) expensive than the latter or do they cost about the same in most cases?
mcat2 - being from a middle class family (salary or assets) has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is all about what the young man feels comfortable doing. Maybe he is making more money than his parents already, or substantially less. It is not up to the parents to make sure the son gets his girlfriend a ring larger than he can afford, so it should have nothing to do with how much they make and what they’ve saved.
Thanks. OK. Let’s assume then neither the groom nor the bride has any money, i.e., they just start out with a modest annual income of, say, $80,000 annual income and no savings whatsoever, will be living in a not so cheap area (say, Boston) So every dime will come from both sides of parents and/or, if there is such a thing, the “financial aid” for marriage from some loan shark.
I think upthread is correct – the engagement ring takes the woman off the market and represents a promise from the man to actually set a date. That set a date part seems to have lessened but we know a lot of newlyweds and all had both an engagement ring and wedding band.
Traditionally, young men spend “two months salary” on a ring. Modern couples may often ring shop after the proposal, and I know at least one that funded it together. Couples wih no real money still have plenty of ring choices, esp. since diamonds are not a requirement now.
I laughed at the idea of taking the engagement ring off for certain activities – my grandfather was a jeweler and very sternly warned me that the safest place for a diamond is on your hand.
My mother has a ring that belonged to my grandmother…it isn’t really wedding . engagement like , but I was hoping that my daughter ( who is rumored to to soon be on the receiving end of a ring ) would take an interest in the ring. It is an antique platinum and diamond ring with multiple stones…I took a picture of it on my finger to show it , but it was a no go. I would have liked to see it put to such a use for the sentimental aspect of it , plus no conflict
Really, @Mcat2, the couple have to figure out for themselves how much they want and can afford to spend for what they want and need, when and if they decide to get engaged and/or married. My folks and inlaws had NOTHING to say about our engagement and only weighed in as requested about wedding plans. There are couples who decide no engagement ring at all while others will want to spend A LOT of money. The jewelry salespeople may say something like one month or two months salary, but they have a very vested interest in getting the couple to spend as much as possible.
H chose to buy me an engagement ring slightly larger than 1 carat (1.001, I think), like many of his friends did, but there is huge variation about what people choose to do. My brother had his fiance (now wife)'s ring custom made so it didn’t have prongs to get caught when she was working. It is a smaller diamond with rubies on the sides & lovely. None of us ever spoke about the cost of engagement or wedding rings. H & I chose matching comfort fit plain gold wedding bands but some couples have the wedding and engagement rings of the bride match and the groom gets something he prefers. Some folks choose to solder the engagement and wedding rings together, while some prefer them separate and mostly just wear the wedding band most of the time. Some folks opt for NO rings–it’s really a matter of personal taste.
My diamond will never be uncomfortable! Doesn’t matter what I’m doing. Just sayin! It will always be daily wear.
Will say that my initial engagement ring got a major “upgrade” years back but I then got a very simple gold wedding band to go with it. The wedding band at that point was inexpensive.
I think his future fiancee should have a say in the final ring but he needs to know what he can afford.
If he wants a “surprise proposal” just get a cheaper ring (any in the family?) and then go shopping with his fiancee. He’ll be a thousand light years ahead already just having done his research.
His question: Can you have one count for both? No. An engagement ring is a promise of a future wedding. It takes you off the market (at least in the traditional sense). The wedding ring is separate and seals the marriage vows. You can get married without the engagement ring. Many people have when short of funds. Cigar bands, anyone? But I’ve never heard of using an engagement ring serving as a wedding ring. (And sorry, that sounds too cheap–if you can afford the engagement ring, you better be able to afford the WEDDING ring.)
During the marriage vows the engagement band is switched from left hand (closest to your heart) over to the right hand. Then the wedding ring is placed on the left hand during the ceremony. And afterwards the engagement ring goes back onto the left hand (taking second place after the wedding ring in closeness to your heart).
mcat2, sometimes I don’t know if you are for real! If a couple has an annual income of 80K they CAN likely afford an engagement ring of some sort and IMO under no circumstance should at that point of getting or going to get married should “every dime” be coming from ANY side of the parents!!!
S will not buy without seeing a diamond AND the setting in person - that is what he has said and I understand it. That is his call. He has had some input from his GF- and her mother. He actually may take her mother to look a bit with him (awww!) . He will not be making any snap decisions. I think they would definitely consider a vintage ring. I actually started a thread earlier in the year about my mom “promising” her wedding ring to him, but after some gentle inquiry, he/we have assumed that she means when she dies. (so please Mom, NO HURRY!)
Wondering why you suggest no mall engagement ring stores - just curious. He will not have an enormous budget - he is a first year teacher, he turns 23 this spring. They have been dating five years.
Also, what does “conflict free” mean in terms of a ring??
I love the idea of a family ring being “re-purposed.” My grandmother had stunning diamond rings and I would have gladly accepted any of them as an engagement ring. But alas I had older cousins who felt the same way!
When both my sons were home at Christmas, I showed them the three diamond rings I have that are heirlooms. (That makes them sound rather like tomatoes, doesn’t it.) Both sons liked a particular ring – thankfully not the same one – so their engagement-ring-buying days may never come to pass.
“Wondering why you suggest no mall engagement ring stores - just curious.”
Retail prices for poorer quality, in general. That’s the general consensus from the avid diamond buyers on the forum pricescope.com. There might be discounts, service warranties, for enticements at mall stores. But, generally, better off buying a stone online because then the specs are available and stones are often certified by GIA, AGS.
Amount to spend: strictly up to the happy couple. Some prefer to put more of their budget into the stone, some prefer to put more of their budget into the mounting. The shopping experience should be an enjoyable one.
“Conflict free” diamonds do not come from countries that are the source of “blood diamonds.” Canada is a conflict free source, but mining is generally bad for the environment so hard to get around that. That’s why I encourage some vintage shopping. If they do, buy your son a 10x jeweler’s loupe.
H gave me a huge cubic zirconia ring when he proposed and I accepted; afterwards, we searched for a nice diamond solitare together. We ended up buying the ring and setting from a good mutual friend who sold it at cost + a very slight mark up. (I still have the ring H proposed to me kept with all my keepsakes.)
I custom made my engagement ring. Man made stones, recycled gold.
No wedding band for me. I think the tradition is dumb (personally) but to each his/her own.
