Essay Anyone?

<p>Hello there. I’m looking to apply to a few of the Ivies as well as other schools. My stats are decent (enough) but I don’t know how my essay will play out (I still have some major editing to do…) Anyway, please read and feel free to leave any constructive criticisms. Thanks for all your help! </p>

<p>(once like a spark)
if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
-truthfully,once
if strangers(who
deep our most are
selves)touch:
forever
(and so to dark)</p>

<p>e.e. cummings, “once like a spark” </p>

<p>He stands everyday on the corner of Foster Road and 86th Avenue hoping to catch the number 14 Tri-Met city bus. The door panels of the bus shut behind him as he boards and inches through a rather congested aisle of grocery bags, baby strollers and pointing shoes. Below, his legs cautiously navigate the placing of his feet while above, his head and upper torso agilely dodge the flying elbows of raging businessmen on their cell phones. It is a Friday afternoon and Phil is caught in the midst of the pre-weekend craze as he searches for a vacant seat. Indulging the chaos around me, I sit there holding a library copy of David Sedaris’ “Naked” on my lap, brushing my fingers against its soft and worn pages, but unwilling to crack it open for an actual read. I was overly engrossed in listening to the playful banter between a mother and child, the tedious screed of a business transaction, and the delightful shrills of Japanese tourists to concentrate on anything else. In the frenzied ambience however, I glance over to check up on the ever-so-content sixty-three year old Phil. His eyes closed and wrinkles loose, Phil seemed to have conveniently immersed himself into a world free from all the upheaval. And I admired that greatly about him. Untainted by the stressful commotion on the bus, Phil lived his life in perfect harmony, keeping a steady beat against the blazing tempo of society. There in lies my favorite part en route to Portland State University. Across the Hawthorne Bridge, in the vicinity of the Mark O. Hatfield Courthouse and a newly renovated McDonald’s, the ruckus from inside unleashes onto the historic waterfront, restoring just enough peace to get Phil talking. Although he only reserved his comments and stories for his good pal Bob the bus driver, I unconsciously tuned in anyway. Phil was modest, sincere and his diction was that of Steve McQueen as he spoke about his first trip to Disneyland at sixteen, his first visit to Vietnam at thirty, and his innate love for e.e. cummings’ “fine, innovative and a bit eccentric” poetry. Indeed, Phil was the most fascinating and intellectually elevated individual I have met. He was like a grandfather figure in some aspects but a stranger nevertheless. However, I have learned from Phil that it is in the interaction with strangers exists the possibility of grasping the true potential of understanding one another. When he speaks, even the slightest amount of discord seizes as I attach myself to his world, following his rhythm. I may not always remember what I learned at Portland State much less what courses I took, but I will never forget how I got there, listening to Phil’s stories. And I am inspired to endure six more months of classes just so I can hear them again.</p>

<p>BUMP it up!</p>

<p>garbage
…</p>

<p>There’s a lot of extraneous detail in there that doesn’t seem to have a purpose. It obscures rather than reveals. So take out the stuff about his feet navigating their place, the businessmen, the tourists. If you wanted to focus on how riding the bus changed your life, those details would be fine, but they take away the focus from Phil. I barely see how Phil is important or how you learned anything from him. And also, how did you apply the lessons you learned from him?</p>

<p>Also, were there no paragraphs in the original version? (The saved Word document you have.) Because if there aren’t, please add some; otherwise, it’s as hard as hell to read.</p>

<p>Your grammar and spelling are perfect, so you’ve got one thing nailed down at least. You are a bit verbose, but it’s a forgivable level.</p>

<p>I doubt the e.e. cummings poem is necessary either. </p>

<p>How much space are you allowed? As much as you like?</p>

<p>okay it’s not really good when a person goes to read your essay and stops after the second sentence.</p>

<p>It occurred to me that you don’t develop your “theme” of meetings with strangers sparking all sorts of interesting things. So ditch the poem.</p>