<p>I know it sounds bad towards colleges when I start bashing about my coaches but I was legitimately abused physically and mentally by them, and when I mean I was abused I wasn’t abused by “go run some laps” or “make me jump until I threw up” no I went through severe metal and physical anguish that brought me to the brink of insanity. My coaches are about to face serious charges very soon. If I were to incorporate in my paper, how do I make it sound like I am not bashing about my coaches. Please advise.</p>
<p>That sounds like a horrible experience, but I don’t think there’s any way of going about that without portraying them in a negative light. I honestly wouldn’t incorporate that into an admissions essay personally. But that’s me. </p>
<p>You have to remember this is for your college admissions review. In general, good advice is to keep your essays relevant to that. Sorry about your experience.</p>
<p>Avoid. Danger in bashing school people. It’d have to be extremely artful to get away with such a subject. But, test it out and see.</p>
<p>However, through their abuse, it shaped me in who I want to become. I want to become a pediatrician because I don’t want kids to go through the same experience that I have been through. I am applying to schools that have a reputation for their science programs, which are super competitive. Just their abuse shaped me in who I am today and who I want to become. Can I still put that on there though?</p>
<p>@comfortablycurt I know that I will be portraying my coaches in a negative way, but how do I do that without being so bashful towards them?</p>
<p>If you are determined to write this essay:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Every essay of this type needs to be proportioned so that at least 2/3 of it is about your own growth process. That is to say, establish the reality of the abuse, but don’t dwell on it. The essay should be about your personal development, and the proportion of ideas should reflect that.</p></li>
<li><p>Be as concrete as possible. Keep abstractions to a minimum, and when you do use them (as in topic sentences) support them with lots of concrete details. Readers are disinclined to trust a lot of remarks like “My coach was such a jerk. He always made me feel bad. I hated him, etc.” They are more inclined to trust remarks like, “One time he punched my face so hard I required nine stitches and I had to spend the night in the hospital in case my brain started to hemorrhage.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Remember that this isn’t like an ordinary hs writing assignment… You have to ask yourself whether the negatives about the coaches and your experience will advance you for those colleges. Is it something the adcoms will read and say, yup, he’ll fit and thrive here, add to our community? </p>
<p>And the good general advice on essays is to use “show not tell.” It’s not about telling them why you want to be a doc (and there are other ways to work with and protect kids.) Are you now working with kids or in advocacy? If so, that will say much about your goals and how you go forth, your resilience and good will sense of purpose and follow-though- and the backstory can be handled differently.</p>
<p>@lookingforward I am volunteering at a local hospital, helping kids and mothers who have given birth</p>
<p>While I can certainly sympathize with your situation, what good do you think putting this abuse in the essay will accomplish in terms of your college admissions? It has the potential to sound like a rant and as it is still unresolved, I would be uncomfortable putting it in an essay for all to see.</p>
<p>When I wrote my initial essay, I wrote about a very sad incident in my childhood that impacted me in some way. Then, after rereading it, I scrapped it. Because that incident did not define me. That incident was not who I was. There were so many other qualities I could write about, that I want colleges to know, that writing about that one incident would be too painful and would not be something I wanted people to know the first time I met them. So I wrote about my love for creative writing, overcoming public speaking obstacles, and choosing my own identity, all of it combined in one essay. All of that defined and connected to me better than this one abusive incident, that although sad and overbearing, I wouldn’t want them to admit me because of that. From an admissions perspective, they receive many stories like “my parents died” or "“they got divorced” or stories like that, but not enough on ones that focus on personal development, rather than the sad story itself.</p>
<p>So, I agree with WataschWriter in that sense that if you are going to go that route, don’t dwell on it without saying how it has positively impacted you or made you a stronger person. If you don’t think you can do that, then I wholeheartedly recommend choosing a different topic. </p>
<p>I would avoid this topic and pick something else. Your coaches may be “about to face serious charges pretty soon”, but they haven’t yet. Unless there has been press coverage you could reference that backs up your story, a college may very well perceive this as sour grapes. One of the last things colleges want are students who can’t get along with staff & faculty – they all have some a**hats on their campuses, and students who rock the boat in high school on these topics may cause trouble they don’t want on campus. Unfair? Possibly. But without actual formal charges that are publicly known, I would stay away from this. Too hard to thread the needle.</p>
<p>I have my previous essay, not talking about the abuse if anyone wants to see it. Just food for thought.</p>
<p>I can talk about the abuse I was in while taking it into a positve note though.</p>
<p>What some/all of us are trying to say is that the abuse is not really a topic for a college admission essay. </p>
<p>I really don’t see how you do that and sound sincere. Remember what your college essay is for. It is to convince a college admissions officer that you would be a positive contributor to their campus. That you bring something unique and unusual that they want. Save the catharsis essays for your journal or other writings. It may be the top thing in YOUR mind, but that does not mean you want it to be the top thing that an admissions committee thinks about you. “Oh, yes, that is the kid who suffered great mental and physical anguish at the hands of his coaches”. Look elsewhere for a topic, this one probably isn’t a winner in this process.</p>
<p>What if I were to put this in my parent’s perspective, because they witnessed the time that this occured and they were outraged about it as well?</p>
<p>Through there abuse I want to become a pediatrician, because I do not want kids to go through the same situations that I have been through. I even had to deal with severe medical issues because of their mistreatment. </p>
<p>As well</p>
<p>Thanks @intparent</p>
<p>You are missing the point… outrage is NOT what you need to be getting across in your college admissions essay. This experience may be swamping your judgement because you can’t think of anything else. I don’t care HOW you tell this story, it likely will not be a winner in getting college admissions officers to say, “Yes, I can’t wait to add this kid to our pool of students on campus next year!”. Don’t forget for one minute the purpose of your essay. It is a marketing tool for you to communicate your best qualities. This bad thing that happened to you probably isn’t the best thing about you. And… honestly, no one (not even college admissions) cares why you want to be a pediatrician (seriously). When you apply to med school (if you make it that far) and have some distance and perspective on this situation, then MAYBE it would be an appropriate topic, For now, find something else.</p>