About 5 years ago my brother’s wife decided that they would no longer speak to my family. She has done that with her family on occasion, but never with ours. My brother and I still talk on the phone but he needs to do it without her knowing. I’ve continued to invite them to family events but they have not attended. When I say family, it’s only myself and two brothers so their absence is huge. Their problem is more with my other brother than me, but since we all share the same last name we’re all guilty.
There is a wedding in our extended family next month which we will all be attending. I can’t be the only one with this situation, how does this work? Do we all attend and not speak? Pray that we aren’t all seated at the same table? Our kids get along and I think have stayed in touch on social media.
Sadly, I know myself well enough that if I try to ignore someone in the same room, I become obsessed with them. That probably didn’t come out right, but hopefully you understand what I mean. There will be 149 other people at the reception but we share the same Aunts, Uncles and cousins so we will run into each other.
I’m looking for advice from people who have been in this situation, not judgment. It’s been a rough 5 years with a very heavy heart. And for what it’s worth, my brother and I have a good relationship - even though it’s only by phone and I would like to have him and his children back in my life. Sadly, I have no desire to mend the relationship with SIL and since they are a package deal it’s a problem. I don’t expect that she and any of us will ever be friends, but we do need to find a way to be in the same room together. I can’t believe we’ve managed to avoid it for 5 years.
If it was me? I’d go up to her with a Miss Manners smile on my face and greet her like nothing is wrong. Let her be the one to make things awkward and has issues and is a child. But, I’ve been known to be a bit of a rabble rouser.
Since you and your brother speak, I see no reason why you can’t talk and interact with him at the wedding. And your kids should feel free to interact with the cousins. I wouldn’t go out of my way to talk to the SIL, but if you find yourself in proximity, I agree with @doschicos, smile and say hello.
Yes, don’t be the one to create drama. There is a SIL that is not speaking to DH. He doesn’t miss the contact, either. But he and his brother get along, and we have attended gatherings of 20-30 people without DH and SIL exchanging a word. No one who didn’t know of the rift even noticed.
But beware of alcohol. It might help you smile while you nod, but be careful it doesn’t relax you enough to let you speak your mind.
I agree with the above two posters. Be happy to see and interact with your brother and his kids. Smile at SIL and proceed as you feel like. I just refuse to do drama and refuse to stop relationships I care about.
Do the hosts know of the rift? If not, I would anticipate being seated together and prepare yourself. I would probably say a polite hello and take it from there. If she doesn’t engage, let it go and enjoy the company of the other guests.
I would be the bigger person and act like there was nothing wrong. If I understand, she has a problem, but you don’t have a particular problem with her. Greet her, chat, pretend she answered nicely, go on making sure you have no part in ruining the day for the happy couple.
Your brother’s wife clearly loves drama. And nothing would bug her more than to see her drama ignored. Go to the wedding and be as gracious and warm as you can. It will be the “high road” thing to do – and it will drive her nuts. ;))
“My brother and I still talk on the phone but he needs to do it without her knowing.”
Not part of your question but shame on your brother. Grow a backbone. All of you.
H and W aren’t twins joined at the hip. If she doesn’t speak just accept it and move on (that’s her problem), she can stay at home–but if you and your brother want a relationship then have one. And don’t keep it a secret–that gives the illusion she is RIGHT to be controlling in that regard–it’s like sneaking out at night without parent’s permission during middle school…
When you gonna grow up and keep the small family you have together? Don’t waste the years. Someday you’ll need each other.
To answer the actual question: Dos beat me to it. Just smile and be pleasant. Weddings are NO time for drama (other than good times for the happy couple!). You can only control you. Remove yourself from any drama and enjoy the occasion. Easy to find another group to talk to at a wedding.
And making someone talk to you who has vowed not to is supremely satisfying if you are ready to game it. BTDT…
You and your brother and his wife are going to be uncomfortable at this wedding. That can’t be avoided.
I think your main obligation is to avoid making other people uncomfortable. If you’re not seated at the same table, it may be easiest to do this by avoiding each other. If you are seated at the same table, it’s trickier. If it were me, I would sneak a look at the seating chart before you sit down, and if you discover that you’re going to be at the same table, go up to your brother and sister-in-law and say “We’re going to be sitting at the same table. I think we need to talk to each other and be pleasant during dinner so that we don’t make the other people at the table feel uncomfortable.”
At my own wedding, estranged family members (multiple sets of them) made my wedding so uncomfortable that my new husband and I actually left earlier than planned because we couldn’t stand it anymore. I still resent this, even though it’s 41 years later and all of them are dead.
Agree with above - smile, small talk, nod. Above all remember that you are there for a joyous occasion and don’t let any riff-raff or conflict rear it’s head on that occasion. If anything starts to brew, walk away and head to the dance floor!
But good point. Be proactive about the seating chart if it’s a worry–be upfront with whomever is in charge that some seatings won’t work. Suggest SIL eats in the kitchen…or out on the lawn…JK…sort of…
BEFORE it’s set in stone–don’t go changing it on wedding day as you pass by the table–cards are printed etc–last minute stuff just adds more stress and last longer in memory and on facebook than a few uncomfortable hours for you.
“And making someone talk to you who has vowed not to is supremely satisfying if you are ready to game it.” Oh, yeah.
:-j
But in addition to seeming to make nice with her, smile a lot, throughout. Look like you’e having a great time, getting along with everyone else, confident. Every time she looks your way, let her see it. Gamesmanship.
Thanks everyone. I absolutely plan to be the better person but it will be a struggle. Also, there’s no way I would allow any drama to take place at the wedding. We aren’t ones to air our dirty laundry in public. I just can’t imagine that moment when we see them after all of these years. It’s so odd.
We just had a similar experience, but not quite. Big family wedding but many guests on bad terms due to messy split ups among people with a lot of other issues.
I was a bystander, but I was amazed at how amicably everyone could get along for my niece’s sake after so many years of hurt and resentment.
It gave me hope for world peace.
You can do it. Smile and nod. And then sneak off to have a real chat with your brother and kids.
Is the bride and groom from your side of the family? I would be surprised if the SIL actually attended the reception. As others have said, a general “hello” to the group should be an easy greeting. Hopefully, the music will be loud and you can talk to others.
