Actually, I wouldn’t do this.
A wedding is being planned in my family right now, and I’m amazed at how much thought the bride and groom had to put into the seating chart to avoid putting estranged or divorced people near each other. These issues pretty much dictated the entire seating plan. I think the last thing a bride and groom would want to hear about is yet another estrangement that would restrict seating even further.
I certainly wouldn’t change the seating on the day of! I do think if you are comfortable with asking the host, you could say if it’s not too much trouble, it might be easier for all concerned if you all aren’t at the same table. I’ve generally found it almost impossible to have a conversation at most weddings anyway. I can’t hear a thing once the music is going. Otherwise, just act as if you are acquainted, but not close friends. Simple pleasantries, don’t linger.
This is eye on the prize time. What is the wedding about for you and your family? There are some people who can not be worked with, but they can be worked around in service of a higher goal. If you think SIL can absolutely not behave civilly and could actually disrupt the event, then being a bigger person could involve something other than usual manners. Otherwise, a good chance to role model for the younger generation.
We are estranged from an immediate family member who is impossible. My tact is to say as little as possible to extended family while letting their actions speak for themselves. No invite to upcoming wedding here though; it would be offering them a stage at bride and groom’s expense.
Best to all of you.
It is hard to go into a situation like that.
The only thing I can think to do is to stay mindful and not try to anticipate too much in any direction. Be open to the possibilities, but maintain your resolve to be pleasant but not fake. That is a hard lane to stay in but you can do it. If it goes better than expected you are pleasantly surprised, and if it doesn’t go well you are not disappointed.
Best wishes!
The bride, groom and bride’s parents are aware of the situation. They have all been to our home for various reasons through the years when my brother’s family has not attended. I’m not going to ask for any special seating consideration and will sit where I am placed. Under normal circumstances, I would think we would all be seated together, but these are not normal circumstances. I’m on good terms with everyone other than my SIL. The problem is that even in the best of times, my SIL could fill the room with her attitude. I’m just letting my nerves get the best of me as it gets closer and I’m trying to get it out of my system. Your comments have been helpful, thank you.
@tired already – So sorry you’ll have this damper on what should be a joyous occasion. I recently got married (2nd time) and DH and I put a lot of thought into the seating chart. The bride and groom might already be aware of the rift.
I agree it sounds like she wants drama. I don’t like conflict but if someone pushes my buttons I can end up saying something I regret later. So what I do is have some prepared statements – safe innocuous things I just keep repeating – “isn’t the bride lovely?” or “Did you hit any traffic getting here?” or “How was your summer?”
If she goads you, do the old Ronald Reagan thing. “What?” Say it a few times.
Good luck!
It is possible they won’t have seating defined. My D probably won’t at her wedding. She figures people can decide for themselves who to sit with, and it is one less thing for her to stress about.
If this was me personally involved, I would be drinking at the reception. It wouldn’t take a lot for me to go off if she copped an attitude. And I would’t want to take a chance that just one drink would give me courage to say something I’d regret later. Now if I said it stone cold sober, well I assume I made a conscious decision to go all in lol
JG! Learning to be mannerly and not confrontative takes practice. The goal of the OP is to let the bride and groom have a wonderful day and not to create drama. If she modifies her drinking, more credit to the OP.
This is certainly possible if the food is served buffet-style or if it’s a plated meal with no entree choices. But if it’s a plated meal with more than one entree, the venue will probably require assigned seating.
Your brother talks to you behind his wife’s back but will snub you in front of your children? I wouldn’t let anyone teach my kids that it’s okay to treat me that way. If I were you, I’d tell him to grow up.
“Do we all attend and not speak? …Sadly, I know myself well enough that if I try to ignore someone in the same room, I become obsessed with them.”
You can’t control her, her choices, or any scene she creates. That’s on her.
You can only control your own actions and attitude. The day belongs to the bride &.groom and their parents. Be on your own best behavior. That part’s on you.
If it were your child’s wedding, think how you’d want your feuding relatives to act.
My sister is estranged and I am going to her wedding in a few months. I intend on being on my best behavior and interacting with family that isn’t her.
If she wants to make a scene, that’s her problem. I certainly won’t engage.
OP: She has the problem, not you. So no judgement will be levelled here.
I just find those I do get along with and stay chatting with them. If they speak to me, I speak, but otherwise I just smile and keep moving,
Good luck. You can always go outside for air to get away:)
I love the dance floor suggestion. Wear comfortable shoes!
Wishing the best to all those who are struggling with difficult family dynamics. I hope all the celebrations will be joyous nonetheless and that you have glad hearts knowing you did your bit to help with your good will and happy wishes.
I attended with my family 6 years ago a wedding for a close family friend’s D.
In attendance was a mutual woman I had a falling out with about 5 years prior.
The problem was because I had some extenuating circumstances that she did not
know about and I responded to her plan (bossy) in a bad way. I left a voice mail and an email
accepting my responsibility and regrets. Never heard a single word back.
That said I have not missed her company a single day going forward.
At the wedding I waved as she and her family entered but she did not make eye contact.
We were sitting facing one and other at close together tables. I attempted to make eye
contact with a smile and she moved her seat with her D so her back was to me.
A few weeks later our mutual hairdresser told me that she insisted I had ignored her
and been rude. Hairdresser laughed and said she knew I had used good manners
X friend never retuned to our beloved hair person.
Have never in now about 10 years laid eyes on her and this is not that big of
a place to live. But if I do I will say hello and let it go at that.
Good luck, sounds like you know what to do.
Let Miss Drama Queen stew in her sour grapes and rot in her tasteless wine.
You ain’t got time to deal with immaturity. You are letting some baseless chick control you and your family. Don’t give her that power.
Go and have a good time. You know all of the relatives and the “important people”-the bride and groom. Go have a great time connecting with your brothers’ families and save a dance for the bride and groom. Congratulations!
As my Texan Daddy said often. “God Bless her Heart!” And ever’thing.
Since your SIL isn’t speaking to your side of the family, maybe she won’t show up? SHE is the one who should feel uncomfortable since she’s shunning you. You have reached out by inviting her and your brother to events over the years, and you will be polite as always.
I just wonder what she has against you all. Is your other brother–the one she really has issues with, partly at fault? Any way to mend this?
When my new DIL was making seating charts for her and S’s recent wedding, she asked me if there were any folks on our side who shouldn’t be seated together. Of course the two people who have ongoing conflicts (over care of elderly parents) had been placed at the same table. I tried to rearrange everyone, but there was just no place to move them. Instead, I moved another favorite young/lively niece between them, knowing that conversation would focus on her recent adventures. It worked! And once dinner was over everyone started mixing, it was easy for them to stay away from each other.
H’s brother, who was best man at our wedding, has not been speaking to any of his (6) siblings since their dad died 11 years ago. (Nothing to do with property–we heard he was upset that people were being nicer to his 1st ex wife than his 2nd ex wife at the funeral!?) Some people have “issues” and they will make make a big deal out of nothing. There has been grudge-holding and unforgiveness for generations in that family. OP, I hope you and your brothers can get back together! Life is too short! Hope for the best–maybe a happy occasion will inspire reconciliation?
I knew two people like your sister in law. Each would cut people out of their lives at different times. Sometimes it would be with a sibling, sometimes a parent and more often a friend. These people have borderline personality disorders and this is how they operate. You can look it up. I’m not defending their actions at all. They are very difficult people and my feeling is that eventually they will wind up alone.