At a recent wedding, I was the one who got to sit between my bff, a very sweet lady, and her ex’s cold as ice 2nd wife. I was the willing buffer.
I would absolutely take this as an opportunity to see my long lost brother!! Don’t worry about SIL-- she can decide how she’ll act on her own.
But you haven’t seen your brother in 5 years-- make the most of this opportunity!
And, as @MomofJandL mentioned-- be careful with alcohol!
Well, I know someone similar to your SIL but they didn’t get invited to the wedding. Nobody wants to deal with her.
You do have one choice that I can think of.
If you know that she will create a scene if you speak to your brother, then perhaps you shouldn’t do that. Certainly, it would be good for you and your brother to be able to speak openly, instead of him having to hide the fact that you communicate with each other, but somebody else’s wedding is not the place to establish this new pattern of communication.
Emily, sympathies. I have borderline people in my life as well.
OP, In dealing with my emotional reaction to some of the interactions, a therapist led me to the book, The Power of Now. I was obsessed with what had gone on, and could not stop thinking about events. I learned to bring myself back to the present, deep breathe and think only about the beauty of the day and tasks at hand. Repeatedly. I am glad you brought this up, however, as an upcoming wedding will bring me to the same event with someone who chooses to leave any venue if I walk into the room, store or restaurant. I am always gracious, however the ghosting is a bit sad and disconcerting.
A little bit of hopefulness:
My wife’s relationship with her father was never very close (unlike some of her older sisters). She was the youngest child, he had a job that involved a lot of travel and a lot of classified information, so he could never talk to her much about it, and he was manufacturing and selling military equipment at the height of the Vietnam War while she was a teenager. Plus, it turned out that he was waiting for her to finish college so he could leave his wife/her mother. Nevertheless they remained reasonably civil with one another, and before we were married he made a point of visiting her a few times a year. (The places we lived happened to be places he regularly visited on business, so it wasn’t hard for him to do at all.)
A few weeks after our wedding, he sent us a letter blasting us for how his new wife had been treated at the wedding, and announcing that he would henceforth have no contact with us whatsoever. And he didn’t, for the next four years.
When our first child was about 10 months old, we were going to a wedding a couple of hours from where he lived. So one day, I called on the telephone and said, “Hi, we’re going to this wedding in a couple of weeks. Is it OK if we stop at your house on our way back, and you can meet your latest grandchild.” I didn’t mention that we hadn’t communicated at all in four years. Neither did he. He said OK. We essentially resumed the somewhat distant relationship of the past, spending time with him (from a couple of days to a couple of hours) once or twice a year, mostly (but not always) at our instigation. Neither he nor we ever raised the subject of the break. At first, his wife made clear that she didn’t like us much, but over the years her attitude changed a lot, as we treated her with consistent diplomacy and respect. He died five years ago, but we have kept a cordial relationship with her and include her in family invitations.
I’ve got no advice, but I feel your pain
We were seated at the same table as my brother and his wife for their son’s wedding five years ago (that second for him wedding ended in a divorce a year later, btw)- we never converse or meet (his choice). I was sure to not sit next to the sister in law I dislike (mutual love with their D and time spent talking like she can’t with her parents now that she’s been an adult for years, though, so many bad family issues she grew up with). Would have been nicer to be with my sister, her H and father, sigh. Our last hurrah before moving far away. Bride and her family would not have known this I suspect, nor would the groom have paid attention. Funny thing, I was the groom’s godmother as only one had to be Catholic (I quit, did not have the Catholic wedding which my father had to adjust and did) decades before the estrangement. Never did anything, especially religiously (brother did not go to church either).
Do not worry about this. Even if you are seated together you can do the “smile and nod” of one CC title. Be gracious in public and thankful you do not need to be together other times. It costs very little to be civil as though they were strangers and you do not ruin your experience. Plenty of other guests to interact with.
ENJOY! With the crowd your brother should be able to find time to spend with you despite his wife. It is HER problem, not yours. She can choose to not attend or sit in a corner while his extended family has their reunions with him. That is a large part of what weddings are all about- seeing the family you never do. Hope your brother has the guts to enjoy his family at this event. Again, not your problem.
So many of us with dysfunctional families.
This is your family and your decision, but I would be ripped apart inside if I was banned from seeing my siblings.
If you feel the timing is right and since many people hug at weddings, you might give your brother a nice one or at least some form of extended physical contact. He just might need it and since he still speaks with you I assume he might like it! Could be an uncomfortable moment and SIL’s mouth will probably drop, but he is your family and you love him…someone has to make the first move.