@Momofadult I can understand her sensitivity at being perceived as someone who can no longer manage for herself. Of course, she should have restrained herself, but her feelings are understandable. There can be assumptions of loss of competence with aging or physical infirmity that people find infuriating. Kind of like when people report that people in public often speak to the companion of the person in a wheel chair, rather than them. I notice that this happens when I am shopping with my elderly mother. In her case, it is easier for us to let it slide because she is hard of hearing, but I try to rein myself in and turn to her instead.
I am not in any way criticizing you! One’s instinct is to help people out in potentially awkward situations, whether they be carrying an awkward load of stuff, using a cane, on crutches , or whatever. Clearly she has issues.
Not excusing the woman, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
I use a wheelchair sometimes when my pain is bad. Suddenly, I’m treated like a child when I’m in it. It gets really old, really fast.
I was at a rally once and people kept congratulating me for coming to the rally… because I was in my chair. I still live a normal life, people. I just do it on wheels sometimes.
“The advent of smart phones seems to have led to a rise in rudeness. I am surprised how many teens are glued to their phones at a dinner party, church service, lecture.”
At my son’s rehearsal dinner someone remarked that “Nobody is on their phones! This was wonderful!”
And it was great. But that’s probably because we were in a basement with no wifi or cell service…"
" Frankly, I don’t think my parents would have tolerated it if I didn’t pay attention when I was expected to do so."
My dad hates it too (he’s 95) and I try my best to stay off my phone but he keeps asking me questions that I can google in 30 seconds and give him an answer. He loves having the answers so it’s a two edged sword.
And learning to say “Thank You!” is a big part of etiquette too.
I hold doors for women with strollers (unless they’re on their cell phone) and any people coming through behind me, and people hold doors for me likewise. Decades ago I was on a business trip in the south and men routinely held doors - even if I was 100 feet down the hall. I wasn’t sure if I should hurry, or if they expected to wait patiently for my arrival.
Romani–My dad is 95. When I take him to a doctor appt. the doc and nurses always turn to talk to me. Doesn’t bother my dad but it bothers me. I’ve told them that I’m not the patient–talk to him. I’m just there to drive and be back-up ears.
“I was at a rally once and people kept congratulating me for coming to the rally… because I was in my chair.”
" It gets really old, really fast."
But people meant well which is great. Nicer to have people mean well than need help and nobody gives it to you for fear of offending you.
I hold doors for anyone, altho I’m not sure my kids do the same even though they saw DH and I do it. Unfortunately, like alot of their generation, they seem oblivious to what’s happening around them (not something I condone or excuse). I also say “excuse me” if I bump into someone, and ‘thank you’ when someone does something nice for me (like holding the door).
In their defense, they did learn to be polite to waitstaff and do practice that.
The best learning experience S1 one ever had was being a busboy in a fancy restaurant. To this day, he thanks the person who refills his water glass when we dine out.
I find it infuriating if someone bumps into me and doesn’t say “Excuse me.”
I invite some of you to the midwest where you can learn and experience the wonders of the “ope.”
“Ope” is the sound we make when we run into someone or do something vaguely rude that encompasses the entire phrase “oh I’m so sorry, please excuse me.”
I could do without people calling me “mom” just because I’m at an appointment with my children. My name is in the records you’re holding. If you can’t find it, I’ll be happy to tell you if you ask. When they call me “mom” I always smile and pleasantly tell them they can call me Austin, but it’s annoying.
On the flip side, I never use the name of a person who’s required to have it pinned to their uniform. I don’t think that’s fair to them.
Nobody RSVPs. If you send out a written invitation you will be lucky to get responses from a quarter of them. At least two people will cancel an hour before the party is to begin while you are busy and it’s too late to buy less food. My sister-in-law gives a dance once or twice a year and ends up calling half her friends to find out if they are coming or not. It’s really put me off giving parties. Now I just host the neighborhood association meetings.
I don’t think people know how to seat a sit down dinner, or how to set the table for one. No you may not sit next to your spouse, you see them every day.
As for giving up seats on public transportation, I was standing on the subway just last night when a seat near me opened up. A woman came over to sit there then looked at me and asked “Are you older than me? Do you want to sit?” I was speechless! My first thought was that I must look awful.
“As for giving up seats on public transportation, I was standing on the subway just last night when a seat near me opened up. A woman came over to sit there then looked at me and asked “Are you older than me? Do you want to sit?””
WTH? She was trying but obviously got it all wrong on the etiquette front. Partial points for trying. But not many.
I’m with @mathmom. Just about given up inviting people over. Even when they say they’re going to come, quite often they cancel at the last minute. I don’t get it.
@romanigypsyeyes, what you need is a fake cast or some sort of leg bandage or splint. If people think that you’re using adaptive equipment because of a temporary injury, you don’t get that treatment.
11 years ago, I broke my leg quite badly. I never got talked down to when I used a wheelchair or walker. I think it was because I was wearing a leg brace of a kind obviously associated with injuries rather than permanent disabilities. But after I got rid of the brace, I used a cane for a while. Then, all of a sudden, people treated me as though I had left my brains elsewhere. Suddenly, I was a “disabled person” rather than an “injured person.” It was enlightening.
We’ll hold doors for people behind us but not for them to walk through ahead of us unless there are extenuating circumstances (arms full, stroller, etc.). DH holds doors open for me, in buildings and cars. My sons are 25 and 28, born and raised in the Northeastern U.S. DS1 was trying to convey how sketchy it would feel to open a door for a female he didn’t know to have her walk through first and finally hit on the word “proprietary.” And I overheard DS2 and his wife on a group shopping trip once. When he held a door open for her to walk through first, she said “What are you doing???” To which he replied “I am trying to be a gentle-sir.”
One adorable quandary I remember from their teenage years. We had my mother and MIL over for dinner and I was bringing a final something to the table. DH and sons were waiting for me, I don’t remember what my mother was doing, and MIL had begun eating and said, “Oh, go ahead and start!” Cue trapped facial expressions from the offspring – do they defer to their guest / grandmother? Do they wait for their hostess / mother? They were looking over at me frantically and only picked up their forks when I nodded at them to go ahead. I heard DH murmur “Thank you, gentlemen,” as I sat down.
I recently was driven somewhere by a co-worker. An older old-fashioned gentleman. He came around the car and unlocked and opened my car door for me. I can’t remember the last time I have seen anybody do this.