What annoys the heck out of me is when some guy offers to help and he says–“Let me help you with that young lady”. I think it is great that someone is offering help–the world can use more kind and helpful people. That being said, I’m not young–so why are they using the phrase young lady? I guess people think it’s a complement, but all it does for me is make me feel older than dirt.
"-so why are they using the phrase’ young lady? "
Well, if you’re in the South–we’re ALL young ladies. You can be 90 years old. Nobody is “old”. Thank goodness!
" I think it is great that someone is offering help–the world can use more kind and helpful people. "
Focus on that.
I’m not putting on a fake cast just so people can act like I’m a person.
I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care if people think I’m rude when I rebuff their childish treatment of me.
Doors: routinely
Chairs: maybe the male server in a nice restaurant
Offering seats: I recently had an experience where several young parents waiting for their children to emerge from a music class insisted on offering me their seats. Made me feel really old!
Don’t get me started on driving etiquette. Lately in my neighborhood, people have taken to passing cars already going above the speed limit on a local road, with a double line, on a hill with no visibility, with houses and children and pets nearby.
“.I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care if people think I’m rude when I rebuff their childish treatment of me.”
It’s a fine balance…
Don’t come back to complain when they are rude and don’t care a whit about your needs.
Better to nourish good intentions than encourage no action.
@HouseChatte, I laughed out loud at the MIL and dinner queues. As a child of around 10, my mother decided the household table manners were not to her liking. Among other corrections, she instilled in us that we needed to wait for the hostess to begin eating before we started. Fast forward to the next dinner at grandma’s house. Grandma placed dessert in front of us. All of us, including my Dad, turned to look at Grandma before diving in. Grandma looked up, took a look around the table and said, “Why are you all staring at me?” I think that ended my mother’s attempts to “improve us”!
I’m pretty sure most people don’t complain that random strangers fail to provide unrequested “assistance.”
I live in Texas. We are taught to call people “sir” and “ma’am.” It is not an insult.
Back in the day, I used to watch a lot of soap operas. I always noticed the fine manners the male characters used without it looking awkward, such as standing when a lady entered the room, pulling out chairs, helping with coats, etc. Of course, it was scripted and very well rehearsed, but it still was a good example.
“I live in Texas. We are taught to call people “sir” and “ma’am.” It is not an insult.”
And if you got insulted (or thought you did), you side stepped it and brushed it off. It didn’t apply to you. Obviously.
(and if it did…well…that’s on you.)
I used to travel to Mississippi on business, and I remember asking (maybe actually chastising) a young woman to stop calling me ma’am. She probably thought I was either crazy or incredibly rude.
We taught our children to be considerate of others regardless of gender.
D1 actually noticed and was pleased by the fact that her now partner opened and held the car door for her on their first date. She thought he seemed more “small town” and polite like how she was raised. They now live in Manhattan and she is a strong active feminist. She is still impressed by his consideratness. She makes a lot more money than him. Not a problem for him. He has a PhD and she doesn’t. Not a problem for her. Etc., etc.
For those of you that find pulling out a seat for someone at a table weird, do you find this “weird” when it is done at a restaurant? I find this often done for me when H and I eat out. These are usually nicer, ie, more expensive,restaurants. Sometimes the napkin is placed on my lap.
I find it weird when done by waitstaff, too, yes. Right up there with cutting up my food for me.
People figure our a way to get offended, even when someone does something nice. Time for everyone to lighten up, imo.
I don’t typically do this for W as it’s a little excessive, but when we’re sitting at a bar with high stools (where her feet don’t reach the ground) I always lend a hand especially with pushing the stool back in towards the bar once she’s seated.
I don’t see that the doers perception of niceness has anything to do with the do-ee’s obligation to be appreciative. If you walked up to a stranger on the street with a forkful of your favorite lutefisk and nicely encouraged them to take a taste, they’d think you were weird. Which, may I point out, is not the same as being offended. You get to offended when you jam the fork in their mouth.
My father did (and does) these courtesy things for my mom. I had a boss 30 years ago who always walked between me and the street. I appreciate anyone who does these things for me.
Sadly, H does none of those things. He will still unlock his car door, climb in, fiddle with his phone and wallet, all the while I’m still waiting outside my locked door in frigid Midwestern winters. In 20 years, I’ve barely trained him not to walk through a door first and let it slam me in the face.
Yes, his mom sucked in the manner training department for all her kids, but I think that’s a poor excuse for a 60 year old. It’s a source of perpetual frustration 
Unfortunately, I don’t see many of these niceties in the younger generations, but when I do, I’m impressed.
Around here if a kid says “Yes ma’am” or “Yes sir” they are being snarky.
I’ve held doors for people sometimes who just breeze through without even a glance at me. That does seem quite rude to me and I’m always tempted to let go the door while they’re halfway through so it can close on them. Maybe they’re offended that I’m holding the door open for them and doing their best to not yell at me :))
I completely agree that etiquette is regional. Being raised in the South there are things we just “do” but I’m never offended when everyone around me doesn’t behave that way. When we have family gatherings and serve buffet style, the children and women always go before the men. It just naturally happens. If we are out to dinner, my chair is always held for me. When we are getting in the car, my door is opened for me. When I’m getting out of the passenger side, occasionally my BF will let me know he will come to my side and let me out. It’s situational. I consider it a kind, gracious gesture and I always acknowledge it. At my office, the men typically hold the door for the women and no one is offended either way. I always hold the door for anyone I think could use the assistance. We have some 20-ish members in our office. The ones who were raised like I was call me “Ms” rom828. I find it amusing because I’m sure they were raised to not call adults by their first name and our office is very casual. It’s fine with me and I feel no different about the ones that do or the ones that don’t. I’m never easily offended and always try to act and respond with kindness because I assume the best about people.
I work at a North Jersey university, and door-holding for those coming the other way, as well as behind, is ubiquitous, and true no matter, gender or age. It seems to be determined usually by who gets to the door first, who then steps aside to hold it while other goes through. But generally, I’ve through the year found college kids to be exceptionally polite.
Good job, parents!
On another note, I did not grow up with the custom to wait for the host/hostess to start eating, or at least wait for everyone to be served–but I learned it as an adult, and brought my kids up that way.
I find it jarring to see people starting when dishes are still being passed, or, if it’s banquet serving but otherwise sit down (as i had to do last TG), people starting to eat while others are still acquiring food. I don’t think that’s modern times so much as personal standards–as I said, even though my family are polite people overall, it’s just not something I learned there.