<p>Maybe others aren’t quite the Luddite I am but I need an etiquette discussion. I have a couple of questions. </p>
<p>We had dinner at my D’s boyfriend’s parents house. I brought a nice hostess gift, do I need to send a thank you card also?</p>
<p>We were invited to a political fundraiser that my SIL is hosting for her BIL. It’s a 100 miles away on a Wednesday evening. I’ve made excuses (my H thought we should go but it would be really hard to get there). My SIL is fine that we can’t make it. Am I wrong for not going? I said I would send a check. Should I sent a check for the price of the fundraiser plus gas money? Or would a lesser amount be ok?</p>
<p>We were invited to my H’s bosses second wedding. We are not friends with him and have never met the bride. Can’t get out of going unfortunately lol! A monetary gift for ones boss for his 2nd wedding seems odd. I bought a nice serving tray, would that be alright? This is a small town in the Midwest for a buffet which is not at a fancy place. </p>
<p>I’m really hoping not to open a can of worms on a wedding gift present. ;)</p>
<p>I think that the hostess gift was enough. Perhaps if you have their email, a note to say how much you enjoyed the evening is a nice gesture, but not entirely necessary. I would be apt to possibly send such an email if it was the first time you had met them though.</p>
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<p>I think a donation of any amount you are comfortable sending is nice and adequate. It doesn’t have to equal the cost of the fundraiser. </p>
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<p>I agree that a monetary gift would not be appropriate in this instance. I think the serving tray sounds like a nice idea. </p>
<p>Personally I think hostess gift and verbal thanks is fine. A quick email would be nice too.</p>
<p>Any donation to politics is fine - you certainly don’t need to add gas money. If you are going to be that picky subtract the amount they won’t have to pay the caterer because you can’t come! (Just give an amount that feels good to you - I’d probably send the price of the fundraiser, but you certainly don’t feel obliged to.)</p>
<p>I never, ever give money for weddings. A tray seems fine. All my trays are falling apart, want to send one to me too?! :)</p>
<p>I agree with the advice above, except I would perhaps suggest that your D send a thank-you note to her boyfriend’s parents, thanking them for their hospitality to her parents, assuming that she wants to build a good relationship with them. I would add that it wouldn’t be wrong, or even odd, for you to send a note as well–just not necessary.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone above. (I do think that a quick thank you note for the dinner would be nice, especially if this is the first time they have entertained you, although people rarely do it these days. It needn’t be elaborate.)</p>
<p>I love the etiquette threads. Thank you, Deb922.</p>
<p>In my social circle, a hostess gift is expected for a dinner party and a thank you note is expected afterwards. That doesn’t make my social circle “right” but anything else would be outside the norm for this particular group. From what has been posted above, a note is clearly not a universal expectation.</p>
<p>I don’t think you are obligated to attend the fundraiser for etiquette reasons. Sending a check is perfect imho. I think it can be any amount with which you are comfortable. That is the point of the fundraiser, really, right? You may be obligated to attend for other reasons, and that may be your husband’s point? maybe family support? I don’t know the answer to that question. There are too many variables.</p>
<p>I also think your wedding gift is perfect for the occasion. </p>
<p>In our circle, as with alh, both a hostess gift and a thank you note are the norm. Email thank you notes are okay for close friends, but in your case I’d send a short hand written note.</p>
<p>For the political fundraiser, I’m guessing you support the candidate since you already said you’d send a check but I don’t think you “owe” any particular amount. I wouldn’t feel obliged to donate any more than I would to his campaign otherwise. I doubt your attendance on a weeknight was expected given the distance.</p>
<p>I disagree about not being able to get out of going to your H’s boss’s wedding (second, first or tenth.) You merely need to send regrets since you already have other plans. If the boss is rude enough to ask what plans, your H can say something about a family obligation. The boss doesn’t need to know the plans are to watch a movie at home. </p>
<p>Also, I’ve always understood that in work relationships gifts should only go one way, top - down. I’d be very uncomfortable receiving gifts from my dh’s direct reports, although we’ve always sent holiday (& wedding/baby) gifts to them. Dh’s boss married again not long ago and we chose not to attend. When I sent regrets, I wrote a note expressing our best wishes but we did not send a gift. We don’t have a social relationship with him and don’t desire to encourage one. If your H feels strongly about sending a gift, then your tray sounds fine. I think that the type/size/cost of the wedding should make no difference in the gift selection (sorry if that’s a hot button for some.)</p>
<p>I agree with everything silpat is writing about the wedding.</p>
<p>My response was just to the question of the appropriateness of the gift. I do not think you need to attend, in which case it isn’t necessary to send a gift, though I might. Whether I send a gift when I don’t attend is a decision made on a case by case basis. I haven’t been in that particular situation. I wouldn’t attend unless I had a social relationship outside work and actually wanted to attend.</p>
<p>adding: On the other hand, a friend in her 80s, someone I consider an expert on manners says if someone invites you to their wedding you should go, but don’t have to stay. (attend ceremony, not necessarily reception) I don’t see how that advice can be universally correct. With a sit down dinner, you are causing potential problems.</p>
<p>Agree that the written thank-you note to BF’s parents would be a nice gesture. I always tell my own children to be mindful of the generation they are interacting with when making these sorts of decisions. While a young couple in their late 20’s/30’s would not expect a written note after a dinner party, a couple in their 60’s just might. While they attempt to make adjustments for current trends, I know my own parents always appreciate the note from those outside immediate family.</p>
<p>Think you should send the check to the fundraiser only if you support the cause to which the funds will go. Your wedding gift selection sounds perfect to me! I would always make it a point to attend the wedding of someone I reported to. Whether I liked him/her would not factor into it - it is just good politics. The only exception I would make to that would be if I did not have long term plans to remain in that job.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice. I will send a check in an amount I feel comfortable with. The candidate is running for judge, but he’s related to my relatives so if I support his politics seems inconsequential. My H thought we should go for family support. </p>
<p>My H feels obligations for things I dont necessarily agree with. Hence why we are going to his bosses wedding. It’s this weekend and I’ve already RSVP’ed. Glad my serving dish seems like an appropriate gift. I’d rather have a root canal but it’s his boss and there are things you do for your spouse. This is one of them. </p>
<p>Sounds like I can go either way with a thank you note but it will never be wrong to send a card. So I’ll get the address from my D and send one. </p>
<p>I always feel like everyone else has figured out what is the right thing to do and I missed that meeting. So thanks and it’s always so interesting what other people’s opinions are. </p>
<p>I’ve never heard anyone complain that they got a thank you note. But I’ve heard lots of complaints about not getting one. I’m in the “can’t hurt, might help” camp on that one.</p>
<p>I would never send a check to a political candidate whose positions I didn’t support, no matter how I was related. (Back when, though, I sent a dollar to the Republican National Committee as a donation; they sent me hundreds of dollars of worth of mailings for years afterwards. These days emails don’t cost so much, so it wouldn’t be as effective a method of depleting the coffers.)</p>
<p>The boss may well have invited everyone to the wedding to make sure no one felt left out. IMHO, you need not attend (although if you’ve RSVPed already, you’re going). I would give a consumable gift like a nice bottle of wine; someone who’s getting married for the second time probably has everything they need. </p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. Your instincts are right on. Manners aren’t so much about knowing the rules (although I think the rules do count), but about treating others with kindness and respect. </p>
<p>I just wanted to clarify one thing, though: in your last paragraph, you mentioned that the wedding was not at a fancy place. I know it’s a commonly held view that the price of the gift should somehow be commensurate with the quality of the reception venue, but this is not the case. The gift should reflect your relationship with the couple rather than the lavishness of their reception. In other words, you might give an expensive gift to a dear family member having a cheap reception on the beach, but a simple, practical gift to a colleague even if he held his wedding in a posh hotel ballroom. In this, your instinct to give a tray to a couple you don’t know was right on the mark. In any case, everyone could use a serving tray!</p>
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<li><p>Re dinner party: I eagerly check my emails the day after a dinner party, hoping to find praise about my event. Whether or not it is required, it is nice to gush, with specific details.</p></li>
<li><p>Political fundraiser: I’d feel no obligation whatsoever. If you want to contribute to the candidate, contribute. If not, decline politely and don’t give it a second thought.</p></li>
<li><p>Wedding gift: a cash gift to a boss would be inappropriate. Tray sounds fine. </p></li>
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<p>Dinner with D’s bf’s parents: definitely send some form of written thanks. Email or note, either one. The hostess gift is a nice gesture for the dinner. The thank you afterwards should concentrate on thanking them for the nice evening, the friendly conversation, and what a nice time you had. </p>
<p>Fundraiser: The expense of the fundraising event is a political donation that your SIL is making to the candidate. This is not a pure social event. There is no need for a thank you note, and if you decide to contribute, the amount should be exclusively based on what you feel you want to give to the candidate yourself. </p>
<p>Ex boss’ wedding: the number of previous weddings should not enter into any consideration of gift. Money gifts are okay in many cultures for many recipients, but not for an ex boss’ wedding. Your idea of a tray is perfect. </p>
<p>Interesting info about varying thoughts re: dinner parties, hostess gifts and thank you notes. I have a couple of dinner parties a year at certain holiday times and adhere to a strict “no gifts” rule with my guests. I have absolutely no need for gifts of any kind and I tell my guests, who are either close friends or family, that I just want them to come and be guests in my home. I don’t want help in the kitchen, either. Just come and be a guest which is what I would like to do when I go to their homes as a guest. I’ve trained most of them very well, but it hasn’t been easy. :)) </p>
<p>As for the advice given to the OP about the dinner at the D’s BF’s parents’ home, I agree with the advice that’s been given about a gift/thank you follow-up unless/until an ongoing relationship is sustained. When my S goes to visit his GF’s house out-of-state, he always brings something simple like a bottle of wine or some flowers. He was in college when this relationship started so I wouldn’t have expected someone of that age to be spending extravagantly on a hostess gift, just something thoughtful.</p>
<p>How do all of you define ‘hostess gift’, as regards a dinner party or staying in someone’s home? For me, it will be wine, flowers, chocolate, some small food gift… always something consumable. </p>
<p>Around here formal sit down dinner parties are pretty rare and even eating with a couple you always ask if you can bring something. Even if they say it’s all taken care of, we always bring a bottle of wine - not anything too fancy. (Don’t know anyone who doesn’t drink it and even if we don’t drink it with the meal, it’s always handy to have around.) If it’s the first time you’ve socialized I think perhaps the hostess gift seems more expected. The first time ds’s girlfriend stayed with us she brought a gift which we thought was sweet. But she doesn’t any more, nor should she.</p>
<p>We take a bottle of wine as a hostess gift most of the time. We’re close friends with one couple who prefer bourbon to wine, so we usually take them bourbon although sometimes we take a particular chocolate the wife likes.</p>
<p>One of dh’s coworkers always brings us a small plant, usually with something blooming in it, in a nice container. I love them but rarely keep them alive for long. Flowers that aren’t in a container already irk me because it’s a bother to leave my guests to find a vase and arrange the flowers. One couple usually brings something small for the house, which goes straight to the donation box after they leave since the items are always made in China. </p>
<p>When guests ask what they can bring for a meal, I always tell them nothing but their appetite. </p>
<p>My cousin would agree with you @momof3sons. She absolutely forbids anyone to bring or do anything for her dinner parties. Although I think for a different reason. She is a bit of a perfectionist. Whereas I am happy to enlist the help of my housekeeper or even purchase some side dishes, she insists on doing everything herself. She claims it drives her insane when people arrive with bouquets of flowers without a vase, or appetizers that are not already properly plated and ready to serve. Once my elderly mother arrived with a gorgeous platter of cold shrimp but made the mistake of forgetting the cocktail sauce (she was 80 at the time.) I thought the cabinets would fly off the hinges as she slammed them preparing the sauce. She says all those little interruptions “throw her off.” My mother says this is the sort of person “who should not entertain.” Everyone is walking on eggshells.</p>
<p>I live in Michigan and the parents are in New Jersey. I brought Michigan made pickles and bloody Mary mix (McClure’s) and Michigan distilled vodka ( surprisingly there were about 5 choices). I know the parents tailgate at their alma mater and thought they might like serving Bloody Mary’s. </p>
<p>Since we live so far away I thought local to me products might be nice. </p>
but I need an etiquette discussion. I have a couple of questions. </p>