<p>Certainly, I am not a perfect parent, not nearly a perfect person. But I gave parenting my best shot, and poured my heart into it. I made monumental mistakes, but got better as I went along. Parenting was my absolute priority, and I tried my best to impart wisdom, decency, morals and values. I wasn’t the best example always, but made sure not to act like I thought I was. I tried to be honest and open, and showed love in every capacity I could. Now, my child is grown. And what I see is such a mixed bag…but somethings are disappointing, if not disturbing. Materialistic. Parties too much. Takes me for granted. I know I taught this, or would not now be seeing it. But, what do I do now? This keeps me up at night…wondering what kind of person I have raised, and how and if I can influence any of this now?</p>
<p>There’s this little thing called free will. You can do all the ‘right things’ as a parent and your child may still grow up to embrace values and a lifestyle completely foreign to your own. Conversely, children can be raised in the most pitiful of conditions with all the cards stacked against them, and yet somehow rise above to live a full and meaningful life that in no way resembles where they came from. Free will. Identical twins from each of those families, raised in the same way, can also choose drastically different paths.</p>
<p>Try as we might, we can lay the foundation, but in the end they have to choose how they want to live their lives. It’s also important to note that many go through periods of adjustment through their 20’s as they try to figure out how to handle ultimate freedom, responsibility, what’s important to them, etc. What you see right now may not be the end result. So take heart, your child may yet evolve and mature into a closer version of what you had hoped.</p>
<p>I think many of us can look at various things we did that “spoiled” our kids in certain (not all) areas. </p>
<p>I (really, really) wish that I had my kids start doing chores at a VERY young age. From what I’ve read, if you start kids very young (too young to remember…lol), they just accept the fact like brushing their teeth and bathing. </p>
<p>I’m not talking about starting 2-3 year olds with mowing lawns, but starting them with things that they CAN do at that age…picking up their Legos, carrying their cup to the sink, putting their dirty clothes DIRECTLY in the hamper, etc. And, then slowly add to the chores as they age and become more competent. </p>
<p>When we were growing up, we had daily chores and every Saturday morning was “weekly chore time” for the once-a-week duties like lawn care, cleaning out the fridge, etc. With the growing popularity of Soccer and other Saturday morning commitments, my kids never got into the habit of dedicating a set block of time each week to do the weekly “big chores.” </p>
<p>I also wish I had done a better job teaching my older son the “value of the dollar.” It really annoys me to hear statements like, “it’s just $10”…or (worse), “it’s just $50” …when it’s something that is not worth $10 or $50 bucks. </p>
<p>I think the fact that our families are smaller than the previous generation has allowed many of us to spoil our kids in a way that we weren’t spoiled.</p>
<p>There are times DW and I want to slap our oldest for some thoughtless behavior or another. Then the next day we’re amazed some selfless act by yesterday’s brat. </p>
<p>I don’t think alternate days of slapping and lauding will make our oldest a better person … or more successful … or more helpful … or happier. Despite thinking we MAY have unintentionally raised a brat, we’re willing to let time and experience “finish” the job we started.</p>
<p>Just sign me “Often annoyed, but always confident in my kids.”</p>
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<p>My husband has an evil twin. Seriously. Money is THE most important thing in his life. He’s cheated his parents, his siblings, who knows who else. His neighbors don’t talk to him because he tried to change the zoning of his single family residential property to develop timeshares and they had to hire a lawyer to stop it. There’s nothing the inlaws did that would point to one twin turning out one way and the other a totally different way.</p>
<p>Oh missypie! I’m sure your DH is an emotional saving grace for your in-laws! They look at him and think “Okay, look we know we can raise a child right!! He’s the proof!” One of my best gf’s is just an amazing woman (kind, generous, smart, loving wife and mother), and her parents are just so very lovely. Her brother however is a deadbeat in every way. Same parents, same values and upbringing. It crushes her mom to this day.</p>
<p>Even though my sister and I were raised by the same parents and in the same house, we are diametrically opposed. So much so that I tell my mom that I know my sister must have been dropped on her head as a baby…there’s no other way to explain how she can be so selfish… Or so different. Even our family values are different
;-)</p>
<p>Sadly, peer groups are much more influential than parents on how kids turn out. I know, it’s hard to believe, but I have read studies that say it’s so. And if we don’t want to say more influential, we’ll say equally influential.</p>
<p>And it has always been so that the older generation shakes its head over the doings of the younger.</p>
<p>We learn grace and self-sacrifice as we grow up. Our kids are still babies.</p>
<p>I have high hopes for most of them with parents like the loving folk on this board.</p>
<p>As for materialism? It’s in the zeitgeist. Not much we can do about it beside roll back the clock and point society in a different direction.</p>
<p>WaitedforG- Kudos to you for looking at your kid honestly and asking–what can you do now? If you feel you have enabled Kid by giving him too much, it is not too late to withhold the giving of more material things. Tell kid you realize you must receive some gratitude. And it is time for kid to be an independent adult & self-supporting. </p>
<p>As for the excessive partying–be sure you are not subsidizing his/her addiction to alcohol or worse. Is kid still in college? You can tie college money to grade expectations. </p>
<p>Takes you for granted-- stop doing things for kid until k learns to demonstrate gratitude. Tell him/her you realize this lesson is late but for their own good it will now be enforced. </p>
<p>I’m sure at heart your kid does not feel good about acting spoiled and may actually be looking for a reason to grow up and mature. His/her friends, employers, professors and neighbors are probably hoping kid will mature as well. </p>
<p>You are wise to look clearly at the situation and try to adjust your actions. Best of luck.</p>
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<p>It is possible that we may never get a good read on how they really behave well into adulthood. I don’t know if you’ve observed it, but kids revert when they are with their parents and siblings. It’s hard to see in your own family, but when my H is with his parents and/or siblings, I feel like I’ve gone back to the 1970s and am witnessing their family dynamics when the kids were teens. The original pecking order remains the pecking order. Old patterns of behavior and misbehavior come to the surface. Maybe when we’re the elderly parents invited to a graduation party and get to quietly observe our adult children interacting with others, maybe then we’ll see the person that the rest of the world sees.</p>
<p>^ Excellent point missypie! I know my family, in it’s full force, doesn’t always bring out the best in me.</p>
<p>Some of my favorite parenting advice came from Penelope Leach. On spoiling she said that a child is spoiled if you resent giving into their wishes/demands. So…no. What we gave we gave because we wanted them to have the toy/clothes/car/travel. When we said no…it was that…no.</p>
<p>Are they materialistic? Possibly/probably…yes, but they want to recreate the way they were brought up so they work hard. Are they kind/compassionate/charitable? You bet. We and they have raised money for a variety of organizations all their lives. Do I like all their choices? No, but they are young and they have the right and responsibility to flub up now and again. Did I want to raise hippies (as my generation would have said)? No. Did I want to raise nice people? Yes and for the MOST part they are nice, loving, hardworking people who have had challenges and luck and worked their way through it all.</p>
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<p>I just read The Tipping Point, and was going to post the same thing.</p>
<p>I think each kid is an individual and needs different things. i often feel drained by one of my kids who needs a great deal of reassurance that he’s a good person, worthwhile, etc. The other one is more self-sufficent emotionally but likes nice clothes. Both cost.</p>
<p>And the flipside to this OP’s question: Were we the people that OUR parents dreamed to have nurtured? Did they consider US spoiled and demanding? Or did we follow lockstep in their footsteps?</p>
<p>My mother’s family values held sway in our household: Her parents/grandparents were fairly successful and politically “active”. My mother would have liked to follow in their footsteps, but didn’t. I think that she would have liked a non potsmoking hippie (no free love either) political activist. Instead she got a sorority girl (non pot smoking 
) I grew up in a different time and place and I never “knew” that she may have been disappointed.</p>
<p>“Materialistic. Parties too much. Takes me for granted.” </p>
<p>Is that all you got? ;)</p>
<p>No one is a “finished product” at 25. Or 35. Or even later. Sometimes it takes the experience of parenting to appreciate what parenting actually involves. It is easy for your offspring to view parenting as your “job” with respect to them. In my opinion, most people actually do become wiser, and probably better, over time.</p>
<p>No. (10 char)</p>
<p>hah! I was just about to post what Mini posted, verbatim.</p>
<p>No. My kids have grown up remarkably empathetic and giving and polite. I don’t recall putting any special “effort” into that. We just went about the business of being that way ourselves as parents. My kids have had untold amounts of financial advantages, but compared to most of the world, most American kids have lived in luxury…</p>
<p>It’s the advantage of being born in the US. Perhaps in our last lives we were all very generous spirits to have had such great good fortune. Now, as I tell the kids, remember to pass it on to others, otherwise you might end up in your next life as a dolphin near an oil spill. </p>
<p>In my next life, I’m coming back as one of my dogs. That’s my goal, but I have to find an owner who is as much of a sucker as I am, or I’m not going to agree to come back here at all. Just sayin’… completely spoiled dog, or no go.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids, your post #3 is exactly how I feel, every word.</p>
<p>This is what sucks about parenting: Almost all parents do the very best we can, given the time, energy and information we have at the time. But we don’t really know how we’re doing until it’s way too late.</p>