<p>Op - sometimes I feel the way you do so I sympathize. I felt I tried my best too, though clearly I made some mistakes. </p>
<p>Sometimes, I don’t think I even like my kids. I love them but do not always like them. :(</p>
<p>Or as someone once said, “I love you but I really dont like you right now” pretty much applies to stages our children go through.</p>
<p>I tried to model empathy, kindness, and a sense of intellectual curiosity about the world and its workings. Some of it rubbed off, not all, and it comes in fits and starts. Sometimes the lack of these qualities is glaringly apparent. Myth mom’s post regarding peer influence is an important point. It is not all about the parents. For some of us, life have been about ‘getttin’ above our raisin’ and not just in a economic sense. As it was for me and my parents, so it will probably be for my offspring, in whatever way they find necessary.</p>
<p>Hmmm I don’t know…parenting was not my absolute priority. My marriage came first metaphorically and logistically and therefore my husband comes first…the kids second and then my extended family and job and then my friends, pets, etc. I thought everybody did it that way, but maybe not. Things shift on occasion depending on demands, but rank ordering my devotion is pretty easy. My kids are pretty emotionally stable, caring and independent, certainly not spoiled brats because we purposefully didn’t give them every single thing they desired. They aren’t perfect and make mistakes that disappointed us at the moment and most likely will continue to do things that disappoint us, but spoiled…no, brats…no.</p>
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One of my greatest regrets in life is that I didn’t prioritize my marriage at the top of the list. Now that the kids are almost grown, my husband and I are trying to reconnect.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say my kids are brats, I think they are fine and good people, but they all have their days like everyone else and are not perfect by any means.</p>
<p>Zoozermom, don’t feel bad about putting your children first. I did and still do and have no regrets. Otherwise, who would take care of them. We have so little time with them. 18 years and poof, it’s gone. Everyone does what feels right to them at the time. I see it as an opportunity to upgrade your marriage to a new level now that the children are grown and to reconnect in a more mature way. It’s like now we look at each other and say hey, there you are, I have missed doing this and that with you and enjoy each other’s company. We actually have fun going on dates now, without worrying about babysitters and stuff. What I do wish is that I had more time for myself. </p>
<p>I don’t consider my children brats for the most part. Though, I am sure we made a lot of mistakes. I think sometimes, especially my oldest is too nice and people take advantage of that. They did go through a phase in early teens of backtalk and calling me cheap when I refused to buy certain trendy items from certain trendy stores. Things changed when they started earning or using their own money. I do wish I had pushed the “chore” thing when they were really young though. It is still an issue and I do call them brats for that.</p>
<p>I admit that my kids are somewhat spoiled compared to when I grew up. Compared to their peers not so much. I did want my kids to have some of the advantages that I did not have growing up such as lessons, trips etc. I spent a lot of my free time in HS working and although it was a great experience and I liked my job, it really limited my participation in school activities and I did not want my kids to have those limits.</p>
<p>As for how my kids turned out? Ask me again in 15 years.</p>
<p>Also, No.</p>
<p>My S is his own person and I don’t try to figure out what parts of him are my doing (bad or good). I loved him then and love him now. There are a few traits that I don’t particularly care for, but I’m sure he could say the same about me.</p>
<p>My oldest- now 27- was a brat when she was little. At least she says so. She actually had difficulty with transitions and didn’t act appropriately a lot of times. Sometimes I think because we had to be hard on her when she was young we saved her from herself when she got older, although she still gets grumpy when she has to make a major change in direction. She was tough to raise. Materialistic, no. Parties too much, sometimes. Takes me for granted, of course- but not in a way that I object to.( She’s coming over for dinner tonight- wasn’t invited, but just assumes it’s ok. It is. She doesn’t pull that stuff with anyone else.)
My son was a piece of cake – just easy going, easy to raise, knew his boundaries and didn’t test them. He was always very confident and didn’t need to prove anything. He is very respectful and always has been, but he would have turned out that way in any family, imo. My H and I don’t really take credit for it.
I think a lot of our kids’ personalities come with them when they’re born. The parents and peers are influential, of course, but it’s not the whole story.</p>
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<p>So you are responsible for every trait your child has?</p>
<p>Relax. You don’t have that much power.</p>
<p>I’m one of those parents who probably takes a bit too much pride in her lovely daughters (though I mostly keep it to myself.)</p>
<p>Because the truth is they were incredibly easy to raise. I don’t know how I would have guided a child who was determined to act out or defy family values.</p>
<p>We as parents can model behavior, set appropriate limits, and love unconditionally, but our children will choose who they want to be.</p>
<p>I’m one of eight siblings. We all have distinct parenting styles, some much more indulgent than others. When we, as younger parents, would comment on a niece or nephew’s behavior, my dad always assured us that they all turn out fine once they were grown. Now that the cousins are young adults, my father has been proved right. Some are more kind, some harder working, some more academic, and some, yes, do have an attitude. But they all are taking their place in the world in a reasonably responsible manner. And isn’t that what we wish for them?</p>
<p>moonchild, I can so relate with your post. I also have a child who is “difficult” and has problems with transitions. I also have one who is as easy going and not difficult as can be. </p>
<p>When my difficult child went off to college she made things were so hard that it made my marriage troublesome and I decided that I had to change things and that I was not going to allow her to rule me. It’s been very hard but I had to put my marriage first. It was the best thing for my marriage. My H and I are closer than we’ve ever been. </p>
<p>Now my child is transitioning again, college graduation, new job, new everything. She is again being so difficult. Wanting my help but wants to do everything herself, all at the same time. Doesn’t understand why I’m not catering to her like I did before. I have a sibling who has a tenacious relationship with our mother. It tears my heart out that history may repeat it’s self. I have no idea how to deal with a child who is being unreasonable. It’s like she’s embarrassed of her father and I. </p>
<p>I hope this is a phase that will pass. Soon</p>
<p>I agree that some ( a lot) of humility is in order for those who have been fortunate so far.</p>
<p>deb922-
The nice thing about difficult adult children is that they are adults. It’s so much easier to put the ball back in their court than when they were five or fifteen. It still feels kind of bad to be neglecting their needs, especially when they ask for help, but it’s necessary in order for them to take the reigns. And I’m talking about emotional needs, as I think you are. If they rely on us to solve problems for them, they 1) don’t learn the skills themselves and 2) blame us when things don’t go well.
When my Dd has had a hard time in the past, it has usually been because she was afraid.
Afraid to make a change, afraid to make a mistake, afraid to fail. We all need to fail sometimes in order to grow, but that’s a really tough thing for many smart, capable people to accept- especially if they’re accustomed to success. </p>
<p>Now, when my Dd leans on me too much for advice, direction or decision making, I listen, but try not to advise. It’s hard, but she eventually figures it out, or not. But she owns it.
And she’s finally understanding that this is a good thing, but she doesn’t always like it. ;)</p>
<p>I am not a parent yet, so feel free to ignore me, sorry for barging in. I just found the discussion of differences between siblings interesting and wanted to share… because my siblings and I are WILDLY different!</p>
<p>My younger sister has this bizarre perception that my parents did everything for me and is irate when they won’t do everything for her. My mom, out of desperation, filled out my sister’s community college application and submitted it for her… yes, really. Then when it came time to register for classes, my sister didn’t want to deal with that either and had a complete toddler-style temper tantrum, complete with screaming and foot stomping, demanding to know why mom wouldn’t pick her classes for her-- “But you helped EMA with everything, why won’t you help me!? This is so unfair!” Mom couldn’t control her laughter as she and my dad regularly forget what I even majored in and never new what courses I was taking. They didn’t help me with a single thing; they didn’t even know what colleges I was applying to-- and I was pretty vocal about that because it made me mad, so I have no idea where she got the idea that mom held my hand the whole way.</p>
<p>We were raised exactly the same way as children, and were VERY alike as children, but sometime around middle school we turned into DRASTICALLY different people-- me very independent and generally pleasant though I CERTAINLY had my moments, and my sister ungovernable, insensitive, and demanding-- though she also has her pleasant moments and is really starting to shape up, she’s doing great in school (and registered for her own classes!). I really have no way of explaining it besides that we are just naturally very different people… I think we were born to respond to the same environment in very different ways. But she is growing up and starting to get a little better, I think at least for the most part your environment wins out in the end. Just my humble observations.</p>
<p>Ema, interesting story. I think that just as some parents have a harder time letting go of their adult kids when they go off to school or make a life of their own, some kids have a harder time accepting that they are now grown up, and responsible for themselves. Some people have a harder time letting go, making changes, and moving forward. To a great extent, it’s personality. I think most kids do want to grow up and be responsible, but it can be pretty darn scary. I’ll bet your sister was regressing because she was afraid she wouldn’t succeed. Sometimes having a very independent and confident sibling is tough to bear, because they wonder, why does everything seem to come so easily to them? And I do believe independence does come more easily to some. It’s temperament.</p>
<p>My Dd has always been a little resentful of her younger brother, for whom everything always comes so easily- even though she loves him to death.</p>
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<p>Gives us something to do with the empty nest, LOL!</p>
<p>I miss having the kids around because our social life and schedule revolved around their activities. Both H and I would do anything if it involved the kids. Do things for our own sake? Not so much…</p>
<p>I’ve been very fortunate that my kids came out of the womb even-tempered. They never were hands-on-the-hip nest foulers with attitude…even when they were teenage girls! But I know better than to believe that it is because I have superior child-raising skills.</p>
<p>I’ve heard that you never know how good a parent you were until you see how your kids raise your grandkids. So much of parenting is learned and you’ll have a chance to see what “stuck.”</p>
<p>My standard for parenting–my kids laugh, but I tell them, “Just don’t become an ax murderer, will you? I don’t want to pick up a paper and read, 'Murderer’s Mother was a terrible mother.” </p>
<p>(I was deeply affected by an article I read years ago in the LA Times about Kenneth Bianchi–LA Strangler–with that headline. When he was a teenager, his father died and his mother made him wear his father’s dress shoes to the funeral. THAT made him turn into a serial killer and it was ALL HER FAULT. :eek: I don’t want to be blamed for something like that!)</p>
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<p>Perfect. This is where I’m trying to get in my relationship with D, and I’m making some progress but it really is hard. Biting my tongue, not jumping in with my oh-so-helpful opinions. She doesn’t make it easy, though. If I offer help: “You don’t believe in me!” If I don’t offer help: “You don’t care about me!” The kid has been a challenge since Day One; I don’t know why I expected it would get easier when she grew up.</p>
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<p>This is what I need to work on…</p>
<p>LasMa- I know about ‘Day One.’ When my Dd was born, she stayed in the hospital room with me except during visiting hours when the nurses would take all of the babies and put them in the viewing room for an hour or so. They would swaddle them- wrap them up tight in a blanket, and lie them on their backs. There were around 10-15 babies in the room, all sleeping soundly in their buntings- except for mine, who was struggling to get out of her blanket and crying at the top of her lungs. At one day old! The nurses even tied a knot the blanket the following day so she wouldn’t be able to get out of her blanket. Mine was the only one who had to be picked up by the nurses so she wouldn’t lie there screaming.
Temperament. They’re born with it. We do our best to direct it, but in the end, they are who they are.</p>