<p>moonchild-- I never really thought of that, but I think you’re right about my sister. That would make perfect sense given all I’ve observed in her since she started school. She was terrified and felt completely lost. She did better after my dad went with her to see an advisor (she did registier for her own classes), but she still wavers and doesn’t seem to be on great footing.</p>
<p>She has really struggled with accepting independence and I do think a lot of it is rooted in fear, and she has said things to me which would suggest that she feels funny about how easy she thinks it was for me (it was not easy). My parents and I are practically banging our heads against the wall because she seems to completely lack common sense or any amount of problem solving ability or foresight-- and she usually doesn’t cry for someone to help her, she tries to cover it up and does something completely out-of-this-world stupid, and usually dishonest. I wonder if everything she does is to cover up how scared she is. She is a very complex young lady and I think she’s very insecure and doesn’t know what to do with herself, so she acts out. I don’t mean to sound too critical of her, I love her dearly, but she never ceases to shock and appall me with some of her behavior. I don’t know how we were raised by the same people.</p>
<p>If anybody remembers me mentioning this last summer, this is the one that thinks she’s marrying the military man and moving across the country.</p>
<p>moonchild-you are right. It is emotional needs. She is very much a perfectionist and when things change or don’t go according to plan, she does not react well. She has been this way since she was very young. She’s very bright and very focused and I imagine it’s harder for her than anyone else. </p>
<p>Ema, interesting story. Sometimes I feel bad for my easygoing child because sometimes I feel he gets pushed into the background. But I’ve figured out that it is what he wants. To not be demanding. He has very few wants and he’s happy that way. He also seems to get that although his parents are not perfect, they are trying their best.</p>
<p>LaMas, That is what exactly what I am trying to do. Bite my tongue with my oh so helpful advice. D reacts exactly how your D does. Darned if I do and darned if I don’t.</p>
<p>The only thing that makes my sad about the situation is how my mother has suffered with her difficult child. I see so many parallels in my situation and I have tried to prevent them. My H has tried to prevent them. He has given up trying. That is the honest reality. I will be so sad to see my relationship deteriorate as I have been close to this child and tried so hard not to make history repeat itself. I guess I have to come to the realization that I can only do so much. That is heart breaking…</p>
<p>deb, hugs. We too have a history-repeating-itself cycle going on, which I can now see even though it’s way too late to do anything about it. I was so determined to prevent D from suffering with what I grew up with, and now that she’s 20, there it is, plain as day. I’ve lain awake at night, seeing so clearly now that the way I handled this or that situation when she was 3 or 5 or 12 was feeding right into the thing I desperately wanted to prevent. I would give everything I have to go back and do it over.</p>
<p>That’s the thing LasMa, I don’t think I would change anything. We have been great parents. Have given our children everything we could. We have a child who appreciates everything. And one who doesn’t appreciate much. </p>
<p>My H and I tried to change this child, to make her less selfish and have more empathy. We’ve been nice, we’ve played hardball. We’ve told her that her behavior is unacceptable. We’ve praised good behavior. </p>
<p>I’m also really tired of making excuses for her bad behavior to others. To her sibling, to her father, to our relatives. Her sibling texted me, "don’t how what her problem was but she was being a *****!</p>
<p>I think there ought to be a legal age, beyond which we are no longer allowed to blame our parents for how we turned out. Maybe 25 would be about right. Before that our brains are still developing. </p>
<p>After that, we are responsible for our own life. If a person is a jerk (or spoiled, or a bully, or a mean girl, or a gossip, or manipulative, or overly impressed with himself, or whatever) at age 15, well, maybe he’s had a hard time growing up, maybe his family life is a mess, maybe his parents are less than perfect, maybe there’s dysfunction, maybe there’s abuse. </p>
<p>If a person is a jerk (or whatever) at age 30, he only gets to blame himself. Seek counseling or take responsibilty for your behavior, but your parents are no longer to blame.</p>
<p>Said the the sister of a man who is nearing retirement age and still blaming his (now dead) parents for his problems. ;)</p>