<p>Ok, my D graduates tomorrow and her father who has never driven her to and from school or any of her sports practices (6 days a week, some times twice), or taken her to school functions or anything in the last 4 years now wants to participate in her graduation ceremony tomorrow. He is invited, of course along with his girlfriend and his girlfriends daughter. His brother and their family are all coming. I have set up a graduation party of which they will all be a part of, set up a photographer for group photos and done all of the planning an arrangement. The only thing D and I would like for “us” is that I will be the only parent to walk on stage at commencement and hand D her diploma. Her father has not be involved in most of her high school, any of the fun stuff or work. He moved away a few years ago to be with his girlfriend and left his daughter here with me…I am not complaining, I have loved every minute of my time with her. But we both feel like this was something that the two of us wanted to share (her receiving her diploma). I feel like this is like it always has been with her growing up…I do all of the work parenting, then he swoops in for the fun stuff and acts like we raised her “together.”<br>
I mentioned to him how all of the activities were going to happen and when he found out I would be going on stage to hand her her diploma, he asked if he could too. So now he sound’s hurt and I feel like a heel. Please help…I don’t want to make this into a bad weekend for my daughter…but I feel like this is the one thing we want to share together.</p>
<p>If you and your daughter agree on this, you should go head. He’s the heel. He picked the girlfriend over his D. He made his choice, and frankly I think he has a hell of a nerve even asking you.</p>
<p>I would leave it up to your daughter so she doesn’t feel caught in the middle.</p>
<p>If that’s your D’s wish, then that settles it.
It’s her day.</p>
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<p>Exactly. Well put!</p>
<p>I want him to be included. It’s just that it’s only been D and I through out the last few years. We were always running here and there for all of her stuff and when we found out last year that parents gave out the diploma’s (she’s at a home school consortium) we talked about it and agreed that since he really isn’t involved that I would give her her diploma by myself. Honestly, he didn’t even know about it and I should have kept my mouth shut. But I debated about what would be the better way for him to find out…seeing it or at least knowing about it before hand, so I tried to vaguely describe everything that would take place tomorrow and brushed over it. He figured it out and asked if he could go up on stage too to give her her diploma. Told D later what he asked and she said she would talk to him…but I don’t want to make her feel bad having to do it. I just thought he would get the idea that since he hasn’t been around…that it sort of made sense that he would not do this either.</p>
<p>I think it’s a reasonable choice for you to hand your daughter her diploma. Actions have consequences and this seems to be a natural consequence of his own actions. but it may be hard for her to have to tell him this, hope he doesn’t guilt her as it is “her” special day.</p>
<p>It’s her day and she (rightly) wants only YOU to give her the diploma. </p>
<p>*.I do all of the work parenting, then he swoops in for the fun stuff and acts like we raised her “together.” *</p>
<p>As mentioned above, actions have consequences. He may too shallow thinking to put two and two together, but hopefully he’ll figure out that he doesn’t belong up there since he wasn’t part of the process.</p>
<p>If he questions the decision, just calmly tell him, “you haven’t been raising your D, I have.”</p>
<p>Out of curiousity…is he helping pay for college?</p>
<p>Im going to take the opposing position to provide a counterpoint. Hes her father. He loves her, even though he hasnt been as involved as he coulda/shoulda/woulda been. By including him on the stage, you take the high road. You say that your love for D and his love for D outweigh any animosity or resentment stemming from his choices. That you are not about punishing him, but about celebrating her future, her accomplishments, her gift as your daughter. That you are ever united in your love, pride, and support for her.</p>
<p>While you have been her mainstay for the past few years, there is no way to know how the future will shape up and how much he will or won’t be a part of it.</p>
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<p>This was my thought…crass, I know…</p>
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<p>I agree. This could be the start of a new stage of their relationship. Why squash it in its infancy by living in the past?</p>
<p>I’m not a parent, just the product of a divorce, and I disagree. I don’t think it’s such a huge deal for him to hand her the diploma. I also don’t think it’s a big deal if he doesn’t. But it sounds to me like you are presenting a very biased view of him, both to us and to your daughter. However, you could simply be venting here in a way that you do not to your daughter (which is totally fine). I don’t know either of you so I can’t advise you as to what the “right” thing to do, but I guess I’m trying to remind you that sometimes building a bridge between your kid and her parent, who will ALWAYS be her parent despite poor parenting, is the best way to go. You and your daughter both know that you were more involved. You guys will always have that special relationship. If you could give her anything, it would be the tools to develop a relationship with her father. Now, if she truly doesn’t want him to give her the diploma, that’s fine. But I think you need to be careful about the pressure you put on her to choose you, and to remember that he’s her parent too and if she does want both of you to hand it to her, don’t take it as a personal attack.</p>
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<p>He doesn’t sound like a parent. He doesn’t sound like he was the caretaker of his daughter.</p>
<p>My dad might not have been visibly present in my life, but he will always be my parent. All I’m saying is that the child should be given the opportunity if she would like it. I don’t see anything to be gained by expressing contempt toward the father - of course reasonable expectations are to be learned about a parent who isn’t visibly present, but that doesn’t mean the kid stops loving them.</p>
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It’s not the actual physical presence (or lack of it) that is the issue. It’s the choices. </p>
<p>I agree that this is not the hill you want to die on. It’s like one minute of time, and he’s her father. Better to show a united front, and be the bigger person.</p>
<p>I have a close relative in a similar position, father left the family and moved to another part of the state to be with an old high school girlfriend. Their daughter was starting her freshman year of hs and son freshman year in college. This father made lots of mistakes and missed out on so much, and caused irreparable heartache for his children and family and the blame for that falls squarely on his shoulders. But the wife definitely influenced the way the kids reacted to him and her behavior towards him, while justified given what she had been through, did nothing to support the relationship between the kids and their father. And because of all the ugliness, he chose the easy way out and avoided confrontation as much as possible, which unfortunately translated into missing out on his daughter’s high school years. He and his wife were made to feel so unwelcome at the daughter’s hs graduation that he eventually decided not to attend. A cowardly move, absolutely! Like I said, this guy has made a lot of bad moves, but the ex wife and her family, which I am a part of, have made it excruciatingly clear that he and his new wife are not welcome. And yes, it is absolutely punishment and retribution for his failures.</p>
<p>The issue that I have is that the children are the ones being hurt by all this. I have witnessed firsthand the effect this has had on the daugter’s behavior and it has not been pretty. She has made some choices that will have long lasting effects. No, you can’t blame the absent father for all her problems, but it has most certainly played a part in it. The son has had his own problems and finally now, after six years, he is getting his life back on track. When my relative has consulted me on issues that have come up, I have always asked her whether it is more important for her to be right or for the kids to be happy and there be peace in the family. Unfortunately, she has mostly chosen to be right and her children have suffered greatly from it. She has missed so many opportunities to build a bridge between her children and their father, so many opportunities to support their relationship and help them to move forward in a positive way. But they, my relative and the rest of the family, are still punishing him for every hurt, large or small, real or imagined, that he has caused them. They are still keeping score and counting pennies instead of focusing on what is really important, supporting the relationship between these young adults and their father. I understand the pain must be immense, the anger all encompassing, the need to punish this person for the pain and heartache his actions have caused overwhelming, but at some point you have to let it go and move forward. </p>
<p>With all that said, I would absolutely follow your daughter’s lead on this. But be sure she isn’t making a choice because of your feelings. I would take the high road and tell her that it would be a loving gesture to invite her father to participate in the ceremony and you think it would be nice if both her parents were there to present her with her diploma, but that the decision is hers. You may find that in her heart, that is what she really wants, but is afraid to voice that for fear of hurting you and seeming unappreciative of all you have done for her. This would not invalidate all you have done while her father was not around, but it would open the door for a closer, more loving relationship between your daughter and her father and that is a good thing for everyone involved. And it might also help you to let go of some of the anger and resentment you feel because her father was not there to raise her during her high school years and that too is a good thing for everyone involved. Best wishes to you in this difficult situation. And congratulations to your daughter!</p>
<p>My ex is very similar. Just an uninvolved parent, totally self absorbed person, negative role model - I chose poorly. </p>
<p>However he is the only father my D has, and I try to keep the level of drama to a minimum. I don’t try to keep him from these things and if he wanted to be on the stage I would not give it a second thought.</p>
<p>This isn’t your graduation, it is your child’s, and she has two parents. A public ceremony is not the time or place to put your ex in his place, or make a statement about who the “real” parent has been in the past few years. Excluding him from the stage might feel great in the moment, but it really isn’t the right thing to do. It just makes you/your daughter look small and petty. (That statement holds for any average divorce, not one where there was abuse, etc.)</p>
<p>I am more in Snowdog’s camp. My ex-H has not been a great parent. Married the woman he cheated with, and my kids dislike her. He does have sense enough to not bring her to their events, though.</p>
<p>But he has always paid his child support (although not a penny toward D1’s college degree, and she is graduating this weekend). She will graduate Phi Beta Kappa with honors, and her dad has chosen not to attend because he does not want to share the weekend with my parents, his ex-in laws. I think it is sad for D1 that he will not be there. She acknowledges that it would be a little awkward to have him there, but I think it hurts her more that he isn’t even coming. My parents are civil to him, so it isn’t as if they would start a knock down argument. But he knows they disapprove of them, and I think deep down he is somewhat ashamed of how he treated their daughter (me).</p>
<p>My advice is to help your daughter have a bigger heart/kinder soul on this. No one can take away what the two of you have shared. She knows which parent has her back – that thought has helped me get through a LOT of difficult moments with my ex with a bit more grace. That parent is you, and sharing the walk on stage with dad cannot change one iota of that. I expect my ex-H will walk my daughters down the aisle at their weddings, too (actually, I expect that we will both walk D1, and that D2 will elope… but that is another thread). :)</p>
<p>Are you handing out the diploma as her mom, or as the head of the school she attended? There is a distinction.</p>
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<p>Why would it make them look small and petty? The only person who is small and petty is the father.</p>