<p>^ The point is that OP should examine her motivations here.</p>
<p>We always laugh that the kids with a parent who was not involved are the ones who get a car or other fabulous HS graduation gift…as if buying a car can make up for years and years of not being there for your kid. The kids we know where were the beneficiaries of these guilt gifts were saavy and knew what was going on, but were perfectly happy to accept the car.</p>
<p>As someone who has lived this, I say leave it up to your daughter to decide. I know it sounds unfair to let him participate, but she should decide. This issue will rear its ugly head from now on out…holidays, her wedding, when she has children, when her children have celebrations, etc. I know from experience how difficult and painful this can be. Unfortunately, this is some of the fall out children of divorce often have to deal with for the rest of their lives. It is unfair, but it is true.</p>
<p>One of three things will likely happen.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>He will participate and then will become a part of her life again…or not. This is a mixed bag. Like it or not, children often quietly hold out hope this is the case. If she wants him in her life and this opportunity opens the door then great. I’ll say that in my experience it generally was more about the parent’s need to participate and usually ended up in more disappointment when nothing changed once they got their moment in the spotlight.</p></li>
<li><p>You will not allow him to participate and he (and possibly she) will later blame you when he chooses not to be a part of her life.</p></li>
<li><p>He will accept that he doesn’t deserve to be a part of this and will either reconcile with her or go back to the way it has been. In my experience, neither divorced parent usually wants to accept that they have turned their back on their child or accept blame for not being a part of the child’s life. Because I don’t know her father, I’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt that it IS possible though neither of mine would have accepted blame.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>By allowing her to choose, you are removing yourself as the obstacle as long as you do so without guilting her. I can tell you it may be a painful choice for her because either way she may feel her allegiance is torn between the two of you. It can be very painful to be in the middle regardless of how this turns out.</p>
<p>Above all else, don’t make this a huge issue or the one who suffers the most will be your daughter. I agree that it seems unfair to you since you have been the one raising her, but you may need to sacrifice again if she chooses to allow him to participate. It is HER day, and the focus should be on her.</p>
<p>I found myself in a similar situation over the years. My dad passed away unexpectedly three years ago. I loved him dearly, but I lost him long before his death. While I know this sounds terrible, it actually is easier to accept that the choice to be an absent parent is not his anymore. If your daughter chooses, let her give him another chance.</p>
<p>Congratulations on your daughter’s accomplishments and for your accomplishment for raising her. I hope you both enjoy her big day!</p>
<p>OP, I totally get it. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and raised my girls on my own, with minimal involvement from my ex. (There is no drama, but he sees them at most 1x/week for a few hours. Long story.)</p>
<p>My goal with them has always been to keep their lives as “normal” as possible. As they have become older, I’ve given them the choice of how they want to handle things with their dad and made absolutely sure that they weren’t doing something out of some sense of duty to their father (or guilt), but rather what they wanted to do (obviously within reason). </p>
<p>On this one, I’d let your D choose, and tell her that it doesn’t matter to you either way. If she does decide to have him participate, I’d make sure it’s not because of some feeling of guilt for shutting him out. If she decides she just wants you to do it, that’s fine too. Either way she chooses, I’d tell her great, no big deal, and now let’s have fun.</p>
<p>I hope that makes sense. I know stuff like this is hard. Good luck and congratulations to your D.</p>
<p>ETA: Cross-posted with bamagirls - she said it better than me - totally agree with her post. :)</p>
<p>
My question, also! Don’t get Dad mad if he’s giving $ for college! </p>
<p>(And if he isn’t, do whatever you want!)</p>
<p>In this case, it’s hard “not” to put the daughter in the middle. If this is hs, she’s not old enough to weigh what will be a tough decision either way. One idea is to gently advise her to think how she’ll feel about this- the memories, photos, etc- 10 years from now.</p>
<p>It’s easy to say, Mom guided me through these years, I want Mom on stage with me. That would be about the mom-daughter bond and celebrating the exeriences and successes of the past few years.</p>
<p>If Dad hasn’t been there to take her to sports, etc, that’s one thing. But, has he been there emotionally and with guidance, one important father role? If not, then it’s gracious and fence-mending to have him there, but he doesn’t necessarily need to stand on stage in front of the crowd. That might be more about him, his feelings and his wants than about your daughter. It’s tough, but if this is handled calmly, everyone will survive it. Just make sure someone gets photos of just you and your daughter. Best of luck.</p>
<p>It seems like the reason that the parents give out the diploma is to acknowledge their part in the achievement. While, yes it is D’s day, and she is graduating, as a parent you have been very involved and done a lot of work toward the result. What other reason would there be for the parent to hand out the diploma? </p>
<p>If the Dad has participated and done the work then he should share in the reward. If he hasn’t it would seem as odd as if a student who didn’t go to the school going up to get their diploma. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I would think that would put her right in the middle. While she might not think her Dad should hand her the diploma, she might feel guilty telling him that. It is not that he shouldn’t be there, and part of the day, but the specific diploma portion is something specific to acknowledge the family effort. </p>
<p>I think someone should let him know why the parent hands out the diploma and what it represents. Hopefully if he hears that, he will realize on his own that it is not something he should do.</p>
<p>Some of the best memories my h and his many siblings have of their noncostodial father are of the occasions when their divorced parents took the high road and included each other at times when they could have chosen not to do so.</p>
<p>My FIL died suddenly, at a very young age, before some of the younger siblings were finished with college. Had their divorced parents chosen to handle things differently, those kids would have been left with only memories if the bitterness between them. They were too young when he died to have matured enough to reconnect with their father on their own. </p>
<p>Take the high road. When is that ever the wrong thing to do?</p>
<p>“Are you handing out the diploma as her mom, or as the head of the school she attended? There is a distinction.” - HappyMomof1</p>
<p>I am handing out the diploma as the head of the school (homeschool). The head of the Consortium will hand me the diploma and I will pass it to D. This is really why Parents are on stage. I know of a few Grandparents who are homeschooling (although they grandchilren are Juniors) so I would assume when their grandchildren graduate that the Grandparents would hand out the diploma, not the parents. </p>
<p>I agree that there is no way to NOT get my D in the middle of it, but I guess that is the ugly nature of divorces and children. My D has always favored me, even as a small child she did not want to go to her father’s for the weekend. I felt badly about it and had to bribe her on a few occasions just to get her to go.</p>
<p>As far as finances are concerned, he has always paid very little and was behind almost 3 years in child support. I provided most of the income for private schooling and now in HS the Homeschool Consortium also. That is not to say that he has not supported her financially, but I receive less than $4000 a year…so if you call that support. Last year I received the most I have ever received from him (as he paid back some of his arrears) and I received $6600. After almost 16 years (we divorced) when she was 2, I consider the $ a bonus…and try not to count on it if a can help it since he has been so sporadic in payments. He says he will help with college, but she turns 18 this fall and all that I can count on is the balance of the child support he is in arrears for. We hope he will help but if he doesn’t I will cover it and my family (who can not travel here for health reasons) will help me pay for it. My family has always helped pay when he would not. He is a bit of a moucher and likes to work as little as possible to meet his needs. He is getting better. But where my family has always given my D $ and gifts of things she would be interested in having…he usually gives what interests him. He gave her $50 and a board game for Christmas. I gave her a Fossil Bag for College and new expensive headphones for her ipod…things like that. My Family always gives her cash so she can buy what she wants. Usually between $100 - $200. They paid for 1/3 of her braces when she had braces and give me $ when I am short for her schooling. She is their first grandchild and does very well in school and so they have never had a problem helping out.</p>
<p>He and I are cordial to one anther and I get along better with his family. I have made reservations for a Dinner for us together, the party will be our local friends and he and his family, and we will have photographs together. At this point, I am not bitter. I want him to be involved for her. But honestly, she doesn’t spend more than 2-3 nights with him for a visit in the summer. She is Christian and he is not and she has a very different perspective on things. She loves her father and wants to maintain their relationship but she actually prefers her uncle (his brother) over him when it comes to spending time with his side of the family. She has more in common with her uncle and aunt than with him. Not sure how all of this will work out when she gets married as she has already stated that she does not want him walking her down the aisle. </p>
<p>Well, thanks everyone for your opinions. I really feel that since she and I agree he has not been apart of the homeschooling and it is a Christian Homeschool group and he is not a Christian and did not homeschool her, that we will not have him be a part of handing her her diploma. We want him to be involved with everything else he would like to but this is her day and she does not feel as comfortable with him. She and I started this together and unless she has a change of heart…I am not inclined to ask him to join me.</p>
<p>I don’t think it will hurt their relationship, I have always encouraged him to be more involved. But most of what requires raising a child is work and not fun…driving to swim practice at 4:30 am, driving to school functions that you really don’t want to head off too, spending $ on a weekend trip to a swim meet. Grading math homework, editing english papers, listening to speeches, etc. He didn’t want to do any of those things. He choose to do something else and now when she chooses to not have him participate in her graduation ceremony, it is her choice. He has no idea of how much work she (and I) put into her graduation. So he will just have to honor her choice and hopefully he will be a little more involved with her college (with whatever she invites him to do). I already have my hotel booked for the first parent weekend visit, LOL. I’ll give him the dates, we will see if he comes. Will he be helping her move into her dorms? I doubt it.</p>
<p>If that is HER wish, then great. Just FYI…kids say lots of things in an attempt to spare one parent’s feelings or to try to make up for what they recognize as injustices suffered by one parent or the other. When children make statements like that about future milestones like getting married and being walked down the aisle, it can be out of hurt or out of a sense of allegiance to the parent they feel has been wronged. When the other parent repeats the statement later, it can often support the child’s feelings of the parent’s expectation and the child may feel pressured to stand by that choice to avoid hurting the parent’s feelings by disappointing them. Having made a statement like that myself, I can tell you that she may have meant it then, but may change her mind later. It is her choice, and if that is what SHE chooses it is great. I’m just saying that regardless of what her father has or hasn’t done, it would be very wise to be careful not to push and not to repeat what she may have said in the past out of hurt. Best wishes to all of you in working this out.</p>
<p>
No. Absolutely not. If the daughter is fine with it, then it is the right thing to do, but she should not be bullied or manipulated on her special day. If the daughter wants only her mother then that’s the end of it and Dad should be told, as mom is being told here, that it’s not all about him. The daughter’s feelings matter, for heaven’s sake, she is a human being.</p>
<p>My father was similar and I was pushed and bullied to “do the right thing” because “he’s still your father.” I was outraged and felt betrayed and marginalized. I never forgot that and when I got married, a wedding for which my husband and I paid, I didn’t invite my father.</p>
<p>Ask your daughter what she really wants and tell her either is ok. If she wants her dad, grin and bear it, but if she doesn’t, then man up and tell him these are her wishes and he can grin and bear it.</p>
<p>^ as zmom notes, each family’s specifics and sensitivities are different. Post 29 is fair. </p>
<p>I know adults who wish thier single mom’s devotion could have led to more spotlight moments, not always the nicey-nicey. “but he’s your Dad” thing, despite that he had reduced his own role, by his own choice. And, adults who treasured memories of even the brief moments when Dad got involved. There is no one size fits all.</p>
<p>^^I agree, it should be totally the daughter’s choice. My point was that parents sometimes aren’t aware of the pressure the child may feel to please them on either side. The other thing I would caution is to be careful saying someone is not a Christian. He may very well not be one, but the rest of us can only judge his actions and not his heart. Either way, that fact didn’t keep him from being the child’s father and shouldn’t exclude him. The choice should be exclusively what the daughter wants…not a chance for payback which rarely benefits anyone. That’s all I am saying is leave it up to the daughter.</p>
<p>It is a difficult situation for all involved…granted more difficult for some than others.
He doesn’t have the right to expect anything from her and she has no obligation to spare his feelings.</p>
<p>Thanks Zoosermom, I think you get it. </p>
<p>She is at a friends house. When she get’s home I will ask her one more time what she wants. I will make it clear it won’t hurt my feelings. However, that being said…I don’t think she should do it just to spare HIS feelings. If she wants us both…that’s one thing…but just to make her father feel ok…well, that is another. </p>
<p>I didn’t have a great relationship with my father growing up either. I was always told to forgive him…he didn’t mean to say those cruel things to me…etc, etc. I was always the one to forgive. Never him and I resented him and my mother for it. I get along with them fine now but only because I am an adult and put distance between our relationship. I see the same thing happening with my daughter and her father. I tried to compensate for him so she would feel loved and not feel abandon. I know I can not replace her father…but I did not want her to feel the pain at his selfishness. I know she still feels it but she is a confident young girl and I don’t expect her to “pretend” like he was a great father to her when he wasn’t. Pretending and being forced to behave closer than you really are can be very painful and I will not make her do it like I was forced to do. If she wants him involved fine…but if not…he has to live with it. He should just be thankful that we are including him in everything that we are. I could have had her just plan to go to his house and he could have figured out a separate celebration for her with his family. But I felt it was going to be special for him, her and myself if we did it all together. But how much should he expect is the question. I don’t think he should have asked…he wasn’t involved in the planning…he knew she was graduating…he could have asked what we were going to do and what he could do…he didn’t. He’s just showing up like all of the rest of the guests.</p>
<p>OK, so this is a sticky situation. I agree with every single person on here, despite the opposing views. If your daughter is strongly opposed to having him on stage, then yes, I would go with that. If she is opposed for your sake, then think about it a little.
This IS only a moment in time, but it is also a moment you cant get back or do over. So tread lightly. </p>
<p>It reminds me of a couple we met a few years ago. They had a young child (under 3), and were arguing over whether or not to let him believe in Santa Clause. Wife was for, husband against. His REASON for being against was not one that I had heard before. Nothing about trust, nothing about reality. His reason was because he did not want someone else to get credit for the gifts that he was actually giving his child. I had a really hard time with that rationale, because I knew that it would have an impact on the child and his joy of “magic” of the season. Something that is priceless to me. And there are lessons to be learned from magic and a stranger giving gifts. And I have NEVER run into a child that has grown up to continue to appreciate Santa more than their own parents! </p>
<p>My point is that this dad’s short term satisfaction of his small child knowing that he purchased the gifts versus santa bringing them down the chimney offered a benefit to this dad. But to what detriment to the child? What memories were lost, and how will that child grow up feeling about not having the experience of believing in Santa? You can’t untell a child that Santa does not exist. </p>
<p>Your daughter knows that you were her partner and teacher the last few years, and she will not forget that, regardless of whether her dad, or santa is on stage when she gets her diploma. Just make sure you don’t take something away from her, or let her give something away that may be an important memory for her in the future.</p>
<p>** I started writing this an hour ago before i got on a conference call. By the time i posted it, you came to this basic conclusion on your own and through others! Good luck to you, I havea lot of respect for women that pick up and move on to have very successful children.</p>
<p>My sympathies are with you, BP. Just a quick thought–if as you say, the diplomas are given out to the person who ran each homeschool, then why not couch it that way? You’re not giving it as a parent; you’re giving it as head of school. IN that case, it wouldn’t make sense for him to be up there since he did not take part in the schooling. If the “parent” designation were taken out of the equation (though perhaps it’s too late for that) I wonder if the conflict would then no longer exist.</p>
<p>I think she is old enough to be clear what she wants.
But knowing that her father had previously put her well being behind fulfilling his own wants? I can see if she felt that to have him on stage with her mother, the person who had actually “walked the walk”, would be less than validating of the steps it has taken her to get to this place.</p>
<p>It is wonderful if her father now sees that he missed out by not being more supportive and present for her, and now wants to be more involved.
But does he just want to swoop in at the end and take credit , or does he want to put in the work?
Only time will tell if he intends to be a father not just for show, but it is demeaning to his daughter to behave as if appearance is all that matters.</p>
<p>*My sympathies are with you, BP. Just a quick thought–if as you say, the diplomas are given out to the person who ran each homeschool, then why not couch it that way? You’re not giving it as a parent; you’re giving it as head of school. IN that case, it wouldn’t make sense for him to be up there since he did not take part in the schooling. If the “parent” designation were taken out of the equation (though perhaps it’s too late for that) I wonder if the conflict would then no longer exist. *</p>
<p>Yep - I agree, I think this is the easiest way to handle this one.</p>
<p>I agree with zooser: Ask your daughter what she really wants and tell her either is ok. If she wants her dad, grin and bear it, but if she doesn’t, then man up and tell him these are her wishes and he can grin and bear it. </p>
<p>I think it is your daughter’s choice and she is old enough to make it, but it should be her TRUE choice, not one to appease or placate either parent.</p>
<p>Your D knows who was her rock, regardless of what she selects. Perhaps this life event will be a positive catalyst. Maybe your D can forgive her Dad for his lack of involvement and have a healthy adult relationship going forward. This outcome would in no way take away from the wonderful job you have done or the sacrifices you made to be an attentive and supportive single mother. Congratulations and best wishes.</p>
<p>FWIW, I am still married to my H, but I can feel annoyed when he takes credit or compliments on the parenting. I do/did 99% of the “work!”</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I really had to look at myself and motives with this one…a difficult thing to do. D returned home and we spoke. She told me (which she has told me before when it happened but I forgot, she didn’t) how when he left her 3 years ago to move in with GF in another state. She mentioned that he took her out to dinner the night before and “asked” her if she would mind if he left. He was lonely, she didn’t have time for him anymore…(well not with things he wanted to do at least…but how about her interests?). She didn’t want him to leave but what was she going to do? His bags were packed…he had given up his apartment. She felt guilty like if she had spent more time with him…well, you get the picture. </p>
<p>Now she has grown up a bit and she is not resentful. But she is not going to let him manipulate her either. If he feels guilt, well he should but not because of anything she did. Why couldn’t he have done things with her even though he was not personally interested in them himself? That is what she asks herself and she has to realize that he is selfish and she has to love him like that. I wish she didn’t. I wish he had been more involved. But I am not going to make her pretend and she is not the type of person to do so. I told her she could talk with him or just leave it alone since he knows. </p>
<p>When I mentioned it to him…I wasn’t thinking about it and really should have played it as the head of the homeschool role and not as the parent. For most…the two are the same so it is hard to distinguish the difference. But she has told me without a doubt she does not want him to be there on stage to give her her diploma. (I told her to choose whatever would make HER happy, not for my feelings nor for his) She doesn’t feel it would be right since he shared no part in her education. I know he will respect it. It won’t be a big issue…he just clearly does not understand why and if he can’t understand I don’t think we will be able to explain it to him. Honestly, I think he would be uncomfortable once he got there and intended to do it. He doesn’t know a single parent or teacher even though she has attended this school for 5 years. It might embarrass my daughter too if he did just because of that fact. Where as if we introduce him as the out of town parent, who made a special trip to come see her graduate…it would look better for both of them. And that is really what he is to her anyways. No pretending on her part.</p>