<p>"FWIW, I am still married to my H, but I can feel annoyed when he takes credit or compliments on the parenting. I do/did 99% of the “work!” </p>
<p>This made me laugh! Thanks! :)</p>
<p>I’m glad you talked with her and she has come to a decision. Now you can both relax and enjoy her special day. Congratulations.</p>
<p>
My parents never did the Santa thing for exactly this reason. We also never had the Easter Rabbit or Tooth Fairy. I would not have done the Santa/rabbit/fairy things with my kids either, but H is really into all that so we did. I didn’t feel strongly enough about it to argue the point. Personally, I have no problem with that aspect of what my upbringing whatsoever.</p>
<p>Yes, Sylvan, there is a Santa Claus…</p>
<p>But I am glad that you did not miss it in your life. I think I would have missed it in mine! Admittedly, the tooth fairy freaked me out!</p>
<p>About 10 years after my parent’s messy divorce, I got married. The relationship with my dad had fractured with the divorce; it was his actions and choices that caused the estrangement, not anything my mom said. My dad wanted to dance with me, the bride, at my wedding. I said no. He was hurt. I admit I regret that decision about the dance a bit. Sometimes taking the high road proves to be the better decision over time.</p>
<p>Eventually I reconciled with my father (he was an amazing grandfather – a role he was born to play), but I never regretted not having him at my wedding. His presence would have ruined the day for me.</p>
<p>Greta, you don’t know how you would feel if you HAD danced with him. That’s the problem. When your parents leave with only bad choices because of their bad choices.</p>
<p>I always took the high road and now that is something I actually regret. So, who knows?</p>
<p>Sometimes there just aren’t any “good” options. The main thing is that OP has allowed her daughter to make her own decision and been supportive of that and not given her the old “you might regret it if…” speech.</p>
<p>I hope you and your daughter enjoy the day!</p>
<p>I’m not sure if I’d say my dad and I were estranged, he just chose not to be involved. My parents divorced, they both remarried and brought new spouses and children into the picture. My sister and I lived with our mom. My H’s parents also divorced but did not remarry. We only have 1 grandparent who is involved with our kids on a regular basis. Although I encouraged him to be involved, my dad always had other things to do. When he died he hadn’t seen my children in eight years or so. He was still my dad and I still loved him even though I tried not to because he hadn’t been involved. I went to his funeral even though I really didn’t want to. I asked myself why I should pack up my family to travel out of state to visit someone who was dead and refused to visit me when he was alive. I didn’t do it for him, I did it for myself and for my sister. It was a horrible experience and I wish in some ways I hadn’t gone, but on the other hand I am glad I went. My family and I stood there quietly and shook hands with well-meaning people who told me how many good times they had together and how much he talked about his grandchildren. They didn’t realize he didn’t know his actual grandchildren and was talking about his wife’s grandchildren. But, it was the kind of thing I couldn’t change later. It gave me back a sense of control knowing I went, was respectful and never said a cross word to anyone. I cannot say I would be able to do it again, but I have no regrets. We’ll face the same issue two more times if things don’t change, but all any of us can do is try to do what we feel is right.</p>
<p>I have been taking the high road with an in-law for years. I now regret it; I was just enabling her to treat several people very poorly for years. Perhaps if I had held her accountable at the start, the behavior would have stopped and we would all be happier or she would be out of our lives (and we would all be happier).</p>
<p>My situation is an adult-adult situation though and not nearly as important (or potentially important) as the OP’s parent-child situation. Every situation is unique and complex.</p>
<p>This thread is what I love about CC. It is supportive and conversational. People present and respect an array of well intentioned and somewhat differing opinions. The OP asked for input and accepted it graciously - and apparently agreed with some but not all of it. Some threads are really just soapboxes or argument zones; this one is helpful and kind. Love it!</p>
<p>All the best to the OP and her D!</p>
<p>BluePoodle – please let us know how the graduation went. I hope your ex isn’t the kind of person who would jump up on the stage even after being told he isn’t welcome. It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders.</p>
<p>This is head of school (Mom in this case) who is giving out the diploma, not a parent. The father has not been homeschooling OP’s D, so why should he be up there. At most school graduation ceremony, parents do not go up to the stage to give out the diploma, it is head of the school who gives out the diploma.</p>
<p>Even if it is parents who give out diploma, I would ask the daughter if she wanted her father to be up there with her. If she didn’t want him there, then I would even suggest for OP to tell her ex, so the daughter wouldn’t be put in an awkward position.</p>
<p>I fully support OP in not having her ex on stage with her. He had nothing to do with homeschooling her, and he doesn’t sound like he has been much of a parent either. Nice to show up for graduation and wedding, what’s hard is staying up late when your kid is throwing up all night.</p>
<p>Intparent: “her dad has chosen not to attend because he does not want to share the weekend with my parents, his ex-in laws. I think it is sad for D1 that he will not be there. She acknowledges that it would be a little awkward to have him there, but I think it hurts her more that he isn’t even coming. My parents are civil to him, so it isn’t as if they would start a knock down argument. But he knows they disapprove of them, and I think deep down he is somewhat ashamed of how he treated their daughter (me).”</p>
<p>Just wanted to say that you’re absolutely right. Your ex is ashamed to face your parents. My H’s sister was abandoned when she was 8 months pregnant with her second child. Her ex left to be with another gal. After that, her ex couldn’t bear to be in the presence of my in-laws, not because my in-laws would say anything, but the ex couldn’t bear to be face to face with (especially) my FIL. Men do not like to be around other men who are judging them for their inappropriate behavior; they fear that there will be some kind of statement made, even if it’s not brutal.</p>
<p>It was a busy day. D’s father arrived just in time to walk up and take photos with D and myself. Nothing was said by either him nor my daughter. These things are always so busy and confusing with so many people. He had GF and GF’s D who is only 13, so if he had wanted to go on stage he would have had to leave them to sit with me (since we were seated in another area). It seemed to work out well…I have no idea if he was upset or not but if he was, no one including D nor myself could tell. </p>
<p>Glad that it worked out. He got to sit with his brother, mother and brothers family too…so I really feel that was better for him. Tomorrow is graduation party so it will be more casual and we can talk more. But D was happy and got to spend some time with family and friends and that was really all that mattered. She had to go to podium to read scripture verse and was a little nervous. We walked across wooden stage together in heals…no tripping or falling. LOL, So it was a great event! I am proud of my daughter. I loved the evening and I am glad that we were both here to see her graduate.</p>
<p>I am on a facebook group where a little boy with a terminal illness just graduated today from Kindergarten today. He will probably never live long enough to graduate from High School, so this was a wonderful day for his parents to see him graduate too. It really puts my problem with my ex in prospective. I am so blessed! Thanks everyone for helping me through my little crisis!</p>
<p>what a lovely outcome bluepoodle. so glad your daughter’s day went so smoothly, and that you too got to enjoy it. one of the hard things about divorce, the days that are special celebrations become fraught with complications, glad yours worked out. You really were quite inclusive with your ex, perhaps he even will notice that. ;)</p>
<p>Glad it all worked out.</p>
<p>BluePoodle, I’m glad to hear that it went well. I think that it sounds as if you and D achieved a good balance: your ex was included, but you and your D also were able to celebrate and acknowledge the special things you shared.</p>
<p>It was nice your ex and his side of family showed up for your D’s graduation, must have made your D very happy to have everyone there.</p>
<p>Perfect! This just goes to show that these issues can be resolved without having to be hurtful to anyone. I’m glad you all enjoyed her graduation together.</p>
<p>Thanks for letting us know how it went. Very happy to hear that it went well. Congrats to D and admiration for you. It sounds like both parents and families contributed to a successful evening that will give your D happy memories - just as it should be!</p>
<p>I am jewish, but the following parable from Jesus, might help you do the right thing.</p>
<p>Jesus tells the story of two sons. One son stays on the family farm, and is a dedicated son, and works hard for his father. The other son goes away to the big city, whores around, and never even sends a nickel back home.</p>
<p>Twenty years later, the whoring son comes back home to the family farm, and wants to take an equal place with the good son.</p>
<p>The good son is naturally upset about it. He thinks it is unfair that the bad son should simply come back home and be an equal partner.</p>
<p>What Jesus said about this was “that your brother was lost, now he is found”, and simply rejoice in that.</p>
<p>So, in my opinion, if the father wants to be a part of the graduation, you should do the right thing, and let him.</p>
<p>As a divorced father myself, I can tell you that it is not always easy to be a part of your kid’s life.</p>