If you take your adult children on a vacation trip, do you have any expectations about the time you’ll spend together? Would it bother you if they chose to spend all day apart every day and only meet for dinner maybe 1/2 to 3/4 of the nights? If your child is married, would you be pleased or annoyed if the your DIL/SIL invited her/his parents to go to the same resort at the same time (and join some of those dinners)? Let’s assume that everyone has a good relationship, including the in-laws.
Yes, all that would bother me!
We went on a family reunion cruise. It was actually with my SILs family but we were invited too. So…her whole family went and so did DH, my inlaws and me.
The only requirement we had was…everyone met for dinner every night…unless alternate plans were discussed in advance. For example, each couple went to a specially restaurant one night. So for one night, we weren’t at the family dinner.
The under 25 crowd were at the family dinner every single night.
During the day…and after dinner…folks were on their own to do whatever they wanted to do.
There were 17 of us…and it was lots of fun.
Seems like it is important to discuss expectations before booking the trip. A fun trip is unlikely when people have different expectations for each other’s conduct. The specifics are probably less important than simply ensuring that if you have pre-conceived ideas about how others should conduct themselves, you discuss it first.
If I was paying for the trip, I wouldn’t be pleased if my adult kid disappeared every day. We’re taking a sightseeing trip this summer with my adult daughter, we’re paying for her, and I’ve already told her she can own thing for some of the time. But my expectation is that she spends a lot of time with us. Now, if she were paying her own way, I might have a different opinion. If we were going somewhere we she had friends to visit, I also might reconsider.
The second situation – I would probably have preferred getting some advance notice of this. But if everyone gets along, then I don’t see a problem with DIL/SIL parents coming – especially since it’s at a resort.
I guess by talking them on a vacation you mean paying for their vacation out of your own pocket? If not, I don’t think I’d have the right to dictate preferences but I’d hope that they’d want to spend time together if its meant to be a family vacation.
If you are paying:
I would think the point of paying for a family trip is to spend time together as a family unit. It doesn’t have to be every hour of the day but sure better be more than just a few dinners over the course of a week. If my kids wanted to go off and do some adventuring for a few afternoons or even one full day trip, I’d be okay with that. If they want to go out at night clubbing or some more youthfully oriented activity, I’d be comfortable with that as well. Showing up for a couple dinners only, nope.
Unless we were very good friends with the in-laws, I wouldn’t want to share my vacation time with them. And if they did show up they should be paying for half of my child/theirchild’s vacation costs, too, as opposed to me paying for it.
deleted for privacy reasons
We have two Ds in their early 20s. We had been getting a house on the beach every year since they were little. They told us politely and gingerly after last year that they didn’t want to spend so long on vacation with us. D1 used more than 1/3 of her vacation days for our family gathering. They are both young, unattached, and need to spend time away from us with people their own age. It was kind of sad, but we’ve been there and done that ourselves.
On the other hand, we’ve been vacationing WITHOUT the kids, something we never did when they were younger.
I have to tell you, we’ve had some great times.
It seems contradictory, but there needs to be a healthy distance in order maintain a close family.
Doing this very soon! But neither kid married and it’ll be just us and the kids. Kids won’t be wandering because the food will be too good to stray far. Dinner reservations are set. Think it will be loads of fun.
But also know we’ll need down time and space for everyone to do their own thing whether that includes extra partying or a nap. We’ve been on lots of trips together and have reached a good balance of expectations.I hope.
Not sure I’d want to share kids with in-laws on a trip unless I really love the in-laws but I’m not there yet.
@ClassicRockerDad I remember those days early in my career when I got 2 weeks vacation max. It was a tough struggle to find the balance between wanting to see family and needing some down time w/friends or my now husband/then bf. If we chose to visit his family that year who lived far away, that was a good chunk of my time.
I know I’ll be facing that soon with my own and my guess is that husband and I will travel to where they are to do some sightseeing on our own time while taking them out for dinners as a way to see them more regularly.
During the summers that my oldest daughter and her husband come back east, we spend a week camping with them and our other daughter. We often split up during the day so that they can do things that some are interested in doing but some do not/cannot. My husband hates to hike and with my back problems I can’t go horseback riding. Or the three “kids” will take off for somewhere to have sister time away from the parents (and parent drama).
But we don’t pay for everything. They pay for the campsites and some of the activities; we pay for food and kayak rentals. So we don’t have the feeling that they owe us anything.
Would I like to spend every minute with them? Sure. But it’s their vacation as well, and they have a right to enjoy it. And after two decades of sibling rivalry it’s great to see the girls want to go off on their own together !
Doing this very soon! But neither kid married and it’ll be just us and the kids. Kids won’t be wandering because the food will be too good to stray far. Dinner reservations are set. Think it will be loads of fun.
But also know we’ll need down time and space for everyone to do their own thing whether that includes extra partying or a nap. We’ve been on lots of trips together and have reached a good balance of expectations.I hope. I love spending time with our kids. They’ve grown into their own persons.
Not sure I’d want to share kids with in-laws on a trip unless I really love the in-laws but I’m not there yet. A cruise is different since you keep running into each other and have set meal times etc. Everything is planned. It can feel like you’re spending time even if you are not.
On the side, I just went on a long weekend trip (work related) which included kids of friends. It was so fun. I really enjoyed them. I’m friends with the parents (10 years older than I am) and now friends with their kids (10 years younger than me but still older than my children). I felt like I was in a time warp of some type. These were the same kids I’d heard stories about while they were growing up and here I was having a drink with them and enjoying them as the adults they had become. Hope their parents have as much fun with their kids as I did.
I’ve also discovered that other friend’s kids (some of whom I never thought I could stand while they were growing up :)_ have grown into charming adults who I love to talk to.
It all depends. We keep it pretty organic. On our spring trip to Europe we met up in Prague. I plotted out places to tour and since i know a lot about art and history they tend to want to go along with us. They are musicians so the tickets to the opera and symphony were up to them so we tagged along with them. They enjoy the fact that i make dinner reservations and pay so dinner is frequently a given. Later when ma and pa hit the sack early, the two love birds take off to sample the night scene. We were in Paris for a month in Nov so I rented the apartment above ours for the two weeks that they would be there. The separation was great and though we met up when D was not at rehearsal, it was only every other night. Frankly it was nice not having to water and feed them everyday. D and her SO are fully formed adults and I would never want to insist that they hang out with us. If I had to insist, it would be uncomfortable for me as well as them. But they like to so that’s cool.
As my kids get older I’m trying to be grateful and enjoy whatever time I can get with them. We have very different schedules at this point. All three are in college now but two graduate in May - yeah!). We typically get up early, and enjoy the morning. They typically get up VERY late on vacation, and enjoy the night. We have gravitated towards dinner being our family time. I used to want a more “controlled” schedule, but it stressed everyone out, so now I just go with it. What I mean by that is Id like the entire family to be up and hiking, or going on a boat trip, or whatever, fairly early in the day. Now I get commitment from them for a few activities, that may need to be planned in advance, and let them do their own thing much of the time.
If I was paying for a trip where my kids spent most of the time with in laws, who weren’t paying, I probably would be unhappy, unless there was a big income disparity or other special circumstances.
My parents and my in-laws were good friends and we all vacationed together for many years, along with my husbands siblings and all of our kids. The difference is my mother in law was the one that invited my parents to join the group. The four of them spent a lot of time together. In later years our group grew and my in-laws siblings and their grown kids (my husbands cousins) also joined us. It’s hard for our kids (ages 30 to 21) to remember how each of the oldest generation is related since they get along so well. When we’ve done cruises together, people got together by interest, not by how they were related.
All that said, if I were in your shoes, I too would have been hurt but I think I would have said something at the outset, as lostaccount said in post #3, regarding expectations. I also think the in-laws would have made an effort to make any plans inclusive of everyone.
My feelings would have been hurt to see on FB their activities when I wasn’t included. And for dil and her mother not to invite you to join them on spa day is just plain rude. I have seen some pictures on FB that were hurtful and chose not to say anything, but I agree with your dh and wouldn’t pay for this to happen again either
My family has a summer lakehouse that has been in our family for about 70 yrs that is a day’s drive. My ILs bought a summer house so far away we’d have to fly, knowing that we don’t have that kind of money and that both DH and his brother and HIS wife are flight-phobic. S1 and I are horribly allergic to cats…MIL got a cat several years ago. My parents come and visit us , briefly, pretty often. They never stay long. My IL have visited us maybe 6 times in 30 yrs. We are perpetually pulled between the families but my ILs just don’t try very hard to think about anyone but themselves and no matter what we do, it’s not enough. ". OP, don’t do that! S2 looks like he’s gonna marry the gf, and we are doing everything we can to become friends with her family before that, so we can be a family they don’t have to choose between.
We’ve had many family vacations dating back over the last 15 years that my kids have been adults. Now that they are married their spouses come too and the in laws have been known to join us. Very often it is extended family with my siblings and their families.
I guess if I had to insist that they spend time with us, it would defeat the purpose. So far they have been glad to do so. If that changes, I may change how I feel about footing some of these bills. But I would never insist they spend time with us. I would imagine it would cause resentment and I can’t imagine spending time with people who are being forced, or even encouraged, to do so.
So the in-laws got a vacation with their daughter that you got to pay for her. Yea, I’d be a bit ticked.
I’m not sure why dil thought that she was to include her parents on a vacation you were paying for. It seems that she and her parents are not good at boundaries. I’m sorry that your son was not able to spend time with you, his parents.
I don’t think I would a) pay for my adult married children without expressly stating that her parents weren’t invited. Or b) I wouldn’t feel any obligation to invite them to a vacation house you are paying for. I can see this happening. You invite them. Dil goes shopping and wine tasting and fun stuff with her mom while you sit around making meals.
I don’t understand why the dil and her mother wouldn’t include you and your D in their plans. My sil owns a vacation home and once in awhile her mom and my mil are there. Every person is invited and included on any activities we do. Yes, we do things apart, but when we do things, we ask everyone.
I just read that your S and DIL spend their days with the IL’s. I would not do another trip with me paying for them to vacation with her parents. Not cool at all.
And yea, I’d be annoyed. Since I’m a pain, I would probably say something to my son. I know that these things are sticky, but still. You paid for them. If the IL’s want to vacation with the kids, they. Can pay for them.
My kids always knew I like to be back in my room by 9 or10, so they would go out at night after I am in bed. Few weekends ago, we went to a destination wedding together and D1’s boyfriend came along. We were together most of the time. We go on vacation at least once a year together. We used to pay for D1 to go with us, but this time she and her BF paid for their own fare because they are doing fine financially and they are 5-6 yrs out of college. Even so, it was assumed that we would spend most of time together. We sat by the pool and took few trips around the island. I paid for most of meals, but they also chipped in for drinks and such.
No, I don’t think I would want to spend my vacation with my kid’s in-laws. I don’t even do that with some of my friends.