Wow, did we learn about vacationing with young adult children the hard way. Not sure it will ever happen again. But if so, things will be different.
Too be honest, I was totally naive about vacationing with adult children. I thought it would be like vacationing as a family when they were still minors.
D1 rented a beach house in Cape Cod. Beautiful place a block from the beach with georgeous views. 4 or 5 bedrooms with several bathrooms, so lots of individual space. H, S, D2 and I drove in one car. D1 and BF arrived in their car. After the first weekend, BF had to drive back to NYC for work. That left us with one car. BIG mistake, as we were close to the beach, but nothing else.
We all wanted to do other things besides just the beach. So we had to plan things together such as a day whale watching, going kayaking, etc. Trouble is, S is a late riser and slow at getting around to doing things. D1, on the other hand, is an early riser and get up and go person. Talk about friction!
Unfortunately, at the end of the week with so much tension and friction, it did not end well. S and D1 have been cool with each other ever since and it has been several years. Although they have exchanged Chritmas gifts and been here together for Thanksgiving and played card games ( S and GF, D1 and BF), they have not been friends. Recently they’ve talked on the phone for a long time because of something S has been going through. H and I were thrilled. But they will most likely never be friends. And they use to be close, visiting each other in college, etc.
We have done several vacations with one or both of our adult, post-college kids. They have all been fun. No SOs or inlaws, so it’s been easier. Mostly the kids catch up on resting/sleeping and enjoy some great meals. We aren’t joined at the hip and they are free to go off on their own as desired.
@morrismm - My siblings and I went on vacations together every year since we moved out of the house, . When we were younger, like in our 20s and 30s, every vacation usually ended in a fight which would lead to weeks of us not speaking to each other. I don’t know why we continued to do it every year, but someone would usually bring it up at xmas time about our next vacation. Our kids are young adults now, and they all make an effort to show up too. So don’t give up, continue to encourage those family vacations even if it gets tense sometimes. I think quantity (of time) makes a difference.
I assume your D paid for the house. It was generous of her even if she is doing well financially. If your son didn’t show it, I would encourage him to show some appreciation by taking his sister out to lunch or getting her something she likes. I think you said your son is working now. Is there any reason why he couldn’t have rented a car so you could have 2 cars at the beach house.
All of the comments are appreciated. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone in my reactions.
@morrismm, I’m sorry your S and D1 are no longer as close as they once were but hope that will change over time. Maybe their recent phone conversations will lead to them mending their relationship.
I think this is the DIL’s way of using less vacation time and seeing both families, but on your dime. She may be sweet to you, but she is also taking advantage of you. I would probably bring it up to my son if I were in your situation.
I also don’t think it’s polite to add people to a trip you originated. It might be different if it were coincidental, a day or two overlap. (We’ve had people detour to met up with us, but for a meal or a day.)
We let the kids know there’s only a minimum expectation, dinner together ‘most’ nights, a couple of events. Our interests aren’t all the same, this takes a lot of pressure off them, and works for us.
I think you do have to bring it up. She may think you’re fine with it.
Our kids drove from LA to SF and Tahoe and then across country to Chicago and ultimately DC. They had a BIG spat along the way but fortunately made up.
I think it was too much togetherness with just the two of them, combined with very different expectations about the trip. D expected lots of chatting, munchies and sleepover attitude. S wanted to listen to nonfiction books on tape and be the sole driver.
I am relieved they made up but can see why they fought.
IMHO, it’s important to set out what you want and expect in a family trip, especially if you’re financing it. Not setting things out and then being upset, disappointed or resentful will not bring you closer to your kids or their SOs.
We went on a cruise last summer with D and her longtime BF (son in law for all intents and purposes). We agreed ahead of time that this was everyone’s vacation to do as they pleased, no expectations.
The pattern most days was the two couples went their separate ways until mid-afternoon, when we’d almost invariably bump into each other on the ship and hang out for an hour at the wine or cappuccino bar. We all enjoyed the dining room, so it was not a hardship to have dinner together every night, except one night when DH and I went to a specialty restaurant. After dinner, we’d see a couple of shows, then part ways by about 10. DH and I erred on the side of leaving them alone, and we never asked about their plans or what they’d been up to. The very last thing we wanted was to make them wish they hadn’t gone on vacation with us.
That was what worked for our family. I think @lostaccount has it right; it’s important to discuss expectations long before you go.
We have traveled with family friends – sometimes to a big city, sometimes to a national park and once on a cruise to Alaska. We ate dinner together every night, but mostly were on our own during the days. If we were all interested, we would all got to a show after dinner. For the national parks, we had rooms near one another and did a bunch of events together (we each brought two kids and the four of them got along great). We stayed flexible and it all worked out.
Our “kids” have invited themselves along for our 30th wedding anniversary trip next year! We’ve decided to rent a house somewhere for 2 weeks. The kids and SOs are invited for one week and the second week will be me and H alone. H and I will pay for the house, kids pay for their own transportation. I don’t expect us to do everything together, but I’m sure we will have several dinners together and lots of lounging around/card games/movies, etc. If kids go off on their own, obviously they pay. And I expect they will pay for our “anniversary dinner”.
I would also very kindly express my thoughts…or put it as hopes, that this is what would occur if it was all on my tab. If not, all I can do is talk about all our expectations of the trip beforehand.
The few times we’ve had “mixed” vacations, the general rule has been we all do what we like during the day and then have dinner together around 7. Then those of us who aren’t night owls, go our way and those who want to continue the party, stick together and go their way. I’ve learned never to make plans for early mornings (I’m an early riser)…its just frustrating to wait for people to get ready when we’re supposed to be out the door at 8 am and its almost 10
You have a troubling dynamic brewing Silpat. So everyone has to do what DIL wants or she just won’t join in and then you lose S too? Is she very controlling or just a bit selfish so that she doesn’t see the harm she’s causing? Lacking in empathy? Is your S usually such a pushover?
Right now, it’s all working out for her so she probably sees no reason to change a thing. I would worry about him especially if he is giving up things he loves because she doesn’t like them. Can you have a quiet and private talk with him about that, about bringing a little more balance to their relationship? Of course it’s a bit risky, but it’s also risky to let him get pulled further and further away.
I had a similar situation with my Dad in his second marriage after my mother died. It was quite unbalanced. However, when H and I were raising our girls, we spent just as much time with his parents. Probably a bit more since they had a beach house they were always inviting us to.
We had a similar little tizzy and my D who was in the middle just didn’t know how to view it, what was reasonable. Some of these things are new to them. It took a calm, open, no pressure conversation between us to help her make her own best decision.
I bent over backwards when raising the kids to make sure my husbands family was given equal time although my family is huge and he has only one single sister. As the years have gone on she has made it clear that she has no interest in making it work so we don’t see much of her any more. I’m okay with that.
My brother’s wife does not give us equal time so we are losing touch with him. It’s up to him to make sure that doesn’t happen. We can only do so much.
I am eternally grateful that my DILs are more than fair and I will make sure I neither abuse that or take advantage of it and I will make every effort to make it fair. Which is why, when planning this family vacation we invited my DIL’s mother. The more the merrier. We have also vacationed with my other DILs family. We paid for the kids but have no resentment that they got to enjoy it also. Which is probably why these vacations have been working.
Oldfort-Didn’t think we needed the two cars. Live and learn.
Do not think either of our other children showed appreciation. They expected their " parents and sister" to take care of things because they were invited to attend,
I cannot blame them ( S and D2), as that is the way it has always been. We paid for everything. The fact that their sister was paying for something probably never crossed their radar, even if we told them, which we did.
So next time, a pipe dream, all are completelty independent. Maybe we’ll plan a few dinners together or special outings.
DIL of OP sounds like a bit if a pistol, but don’t put son in the middle. I think there is some truth in the old saying, “A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter the rest of her life” or the similar “daughter gets married, gain a son; son gets married, lose a son”. Most females are the connection makers in their families and most daughters will gravitate towards their own families.
Once a person is married, whether we like it or not, their main priority and loyalty should be to their spouse and any children they have. Yes, it would be nice if everyone was balanced and rational and fair. However, talking to your son about it is likely to be nonproductive at best and destructive at worse. You need to assume anything you say will get back to your DIL. You don’t want to make waves, even if it is warranted, because why jeopardize what you do have? And when grandchild come, why jeopardize any future relationship with them? All you can really do is take the high road and be loving, giving, and caring and hope for the best IMO. And yes, before vacationing together in the future, talk about it as a group re: expectations.
@doschicos, ^this is exactly what my Mom told me years ago and it has rung true so far. My son spends nearly ever weekend with his SO’s family and has every intention of settling down near them, which is 9 hours from me
