@Silpat Given that history, I think the change is going to have to be in your expectations, rather than their behavior. You could say to S2 before the trip “Hey, I sure hope we get to see more of you this time” and leave it at that. IMO any further pushing will only drive a wedge between you and your son (and your DIL, which is the same thing).But it sounds like decisions are made in the moment, according to DIL’s wishes. It may be that for these destination trips, you’ll have to accept whatever happens. To see them more, you may have to invite them to come stay with you. There are advantages to being “home base.”
Seconding what @doschicos said in post 38, underlining it, embroidering it on a throw pillow.
We do an entire family vacation every year. With 5 Ds, significant others, grandchildren, we never expect to spend every waking minute with everyone. It just isn’t practical and I don’t think it’s practical even with a smaller group. Our wish for the vacation is to make it possible for all of our Ds and their families to have the opportunity to spend time together and have lots of fun. And it has been fun! I can honestly say that it hasn’t been an issue that anyone has felt shortchanged with anyone else.
We usually do it for a two week period, and it would be a shorter period than that that all are together. Some come for a week, some for the entire time and there is always some overlap time that makes everyone happy. Everyone is free to spend some time doing activities that they enjoy, whether that includes everyone or not. Some people golf, some play tennis, some love the beach, some like to hike, some like cycling, some like to sit around and read a good book, some like sight-seeing (depending where we are), etc. We almost always all have breakfast together, which my sons-in-law cook if we’re in a spot where that’s possible. And we almost always all have dinner together.
It sounds like silpat’s DIL may be difficult, but it may also be a case that she just doesn’t want to do certain things. I wouldn’t necessarily blame her for voicing that, nor would I blame the son for bowing out if she doesn’t want to go. It’s a vacation, and in my opinion, people should be free to do what they want and also free to decline. We always try to suggest something that each of our sons-in-law would enjoy, as well as things that our daughters would enjoy but we certainly aren’t the vacation-masters who organize everything. 
I think a certain amount of planning is wise but too much can lead to unrealistic expectations.
I really love it when we’re all together but two weeks of 24/7, or even one week, might start to get to me so I’m glad that we can have times where we do our own thing.
p.s. And, yes, we always pay for everything but that doesn’t mean that we should get to control every aspect of what people do during their time with us. In my opinion, that is too controlling.
And, no, we don’t have the in-laws there. We aren’t close with them and it would just seem awkward to be spending a vacation with them.
“It’s a vacation, and in my opinion, people should be free to do what they want and also free to decline.”
I agree with this but the OP’s DIL is being exclusive by choosing to do activities without MIL and FIL who invited her on vacation. To me, that is uncaring and thoughtless. I still believe that it dangerous to address and you get more flies with honey than vinegar.
Hugs to @Silpat - and @NEPatsGirl , too - as they navigate this new chapter in their relationships with their adult sons. Mine is younger but I imagine I have a good chance of facing something similar down the road.
^^^^
Not just invited but paid for the trip.
I’m invited to go places where some of the bill is paid by someone else. Have for years. I think that at a minimum that if someone is paying (and even not), they would have dinner together every not.
In the original post, op said that s and DIL only had dinner with them 1/2 to 3/4 of the nights. I mean come on, this is your in-laws, they invited you and paid and you can’t even make it to one meal a day.
We went to Florida with my in-laws this spring. Honestly we weren’t thrilled about going but IL’s really wanted us to come. Mil didn’t want to eat out that much, I’d rather not cook on vacation. We ate in some and went out some. We did things that my h and I wanted to do and some that they wanted. It’s a compromise. We do the same when we visit with my family.
I’m a very good houseguest. At least I think I am, I keep getting invited back.
I can understand being upset with your DIL’s attitude, but the responsibility for your son’s behavior is his, not hers. If he allowed you to believe he was sleeping in while he was really sightseeing with his in-laws, that’s his mistake. If he were my son, I’d definitely say something about that. My brother was the same way. While my husband and I did our best to divide our time between our parents (Easter with one, Thanksgiving with the other, etc.), my brother spent the majority of the time with his in-laws. Now that my parents are gone, he regrets it.
I think the idea of renting a house is a good one. I’d get everyone involved in the planning, but be clear about expectations. Discuss how to split expenses, how much time everyone wants to spend together, and what activities are on everyone’s bucket list. My MIL, SIL, and I all enjoy walking after dinner, so my FIL, my husband, and his brother find something to occupy themselves while we do that. Grouping activities by interests instead of by family ties may help.
sorry @Silpat about your vacation. I don’t know what the answer is.
My S’s fiancé is an only child and a bit controlling. It’s hard as she’s a nice person but she definitely likes to get her own way. And my S while nice does not have a strong personality. We are trying to navigate these issues.
As sad as it is, I wouldn’t find another vacation like this one. It’s very hurtful.
Renting a home may be less expensive but you can still face the same issues. Her parents could stay in a local hotel and get the bulk of their attention. Or they could blow off dinners. I’m afraid you either need to talk through this, without stepping on their independence, or change you own expectations. (Hard, when you’re paying.)
We can’t fully recreate the vacations we had when they were little. We’re renting a home this summer (same beloved location we’ve always gone to.) The girls can’t take a whole week off and their primary interest is coordinating when they can be there together (along with SOs.) What matters to me is the family time we will have together, not some percentage. A lot of what we do together, as they grow up and away, is symbolic. I’m good with it, as long as some pleasant bonding goes on when we are together as a group (or sub-group.)
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D1 is not an outdoorsy kind of person, and her BF (probably H someday) family goes camping with extended families. She knows it is expected for them to go on such trip. She usually arranges to stay at a local B&B for while she is there, and encourages her BF to stay longer with his family. She also doesn’t do much of outdoor sports, but her BF and his family enjoy skiing. Again, she encourages him to spend time with his own family and doesn’t feel like she always needs to go.
I enjoy my alone time with D1, so we’ll often plan get togethers without her BF. There are things I like to talk about in private with D1. At the same time, I like her BF a lot too, so I would invite him when it is appropriate and time permitting.
Girls are usually closer with their own families and guys tend not to care as much. I am grateful to have two girls. Know that, I do encourage D1 to put out for her BF’s family. His parents are visiting this weekend. She completely blocked this weekend to spend time with them. She has a full schedule planned out for them. I am not texting or calling her. I told her to make sure they feel welcomed. We are meeting tomorrow for brunch. I told her to just tell me when and where.
We do large, extended family vacations. One thing we do is to have everyone gather for cocktails at a set time. Few of us actually drink before dinner, but it’s an excuse to get everyone together and socialize for at least an hour or two each day. Dinners together are good, but if you have a large group its likely that each person will only be able to connect with 3 or 4 people at the dinner table. Perhaps you could make a cocktail hour your minimum expectation?
@Silpat , I would be miffed as well. Could it be possible that the inlaws invited themselves and put everyone in an awkward position?
I would probably tell my parents that we were doing a vacation with DH’s family during normal phone conversations so they would know about it. But, they would never dream of tagging along unless DH’s parents specifically extended an invitation.
To be blunt, the inlaws sound like clueless jerks. I’d rather not do the family trip and figure out some other way to see your son.
DH and I earned a cruise trip through a work requirement. His parents booked themselves on the same cruise without asking, they just wanted to be close and share (in their minds), but it was a real pain. Luckily we were with a group from the company and had to eat together and do excursions together, but DH did end up spending one day with his parents instead of the group. It was a dumb move on the parent’s part. Her parents could be the difficult ones and could be very demanding such that she goes along to keep the peace, as we did. Or it could be her.
We did a family trip a few years ago to an expensive interesting location, we gave each kid a chunk of money that should cover the flights. Everyone made their own arrangements and everyone did their own thing in other interesting nearby locations. We met up for one week together, really fun, quite expensive for us to pay for those meals and rental cars, etc. I was happy we only paid for one week of it! I was also happy to see the kids having fun together. And I would do nealy anything to encourage the kids to see each other and do things together.
Note to self: NEVER divulge vacation plans to D’s future in-laws.
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Clearly communicated expectations are everything.
In this case, clearing the plans with the dil first would have made things easier since she is clearly in charge of the duo.
I’ve had some hairy experiences with family vacations, but I’m on my mobile abs can’t type adequately.
It is important to stay friendly with your child’s SO if you want access to future grandkids. I’d err on the side of being clear in the future and assuming everyone meant well. It would make me terribly sad to be kept from any future grandkids.
@Silpat Did you wind up paying for meals for your DIL’s parents, too? If so, did they cover any costs for you?
In recent years, my dad rents the same NJ beach house for 2 weeks for him, me and my siblings/spouses and the grandkids. SOs are welcome for the college aged and older. And the now in SF granddaughter usually has a Philly friend come by for the day, when she is there.
Folks come and go as schedules permit, My sibs and I are there for the whole 2 weeks, as are the school aged kids. The young adult cousins plan to all be there for the middle weekend, and no one is expected to do anything.
We typically have happy hour on the deck as folks shower after beach time; sometimes dinner is quite late. I will treat the younger cousins to Ice Cream for Lunch one day. My SonIL likes to have a planned activity or two - one rainy Saturday all 20 of us went to a local brewery for tastings. There are game nights - Headbandz, Scattergories and Bubble Talk are favorites - and movie nights.
The best part for me is to see my dad’s face as all his kids and grandkids enjoy time together. The deposit check is the first check he writes each January.
It has become a treasured family tradition.
Just today, one of my kids asked for the beach dates.
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