Well, that’s extra crappy @Silpat. Definitely some poor manners and an air of entitlement from that family between mooching and then excluding. Obviously, the daughter didn’t learn how to behave from the parents as they all act the same way. I’m really sorry. 
I know that would really hurt me if I was in your shoes. I do think your husband’s advice is pragmatic, though, in order to maintain the connections you have, prevent a rift or other issues, and to keep things on a civil level if grandchildren are in the future.
Even if grandkids aren’t in the future, you want to keep a connection so you will still have contact with your S–if things are chilly, that may chill as well.
Such an interesting conversation!
S and DIL are visiting for 3 days with G’S age 4.
I make sure there is literally excessive food in the house/order out/send them out without kid.
Pay for gas (4 hour drive) and haircuts that they get with favorite person.
Take DIL shopping (have learned to tell her how much $) buy shoes for S and clothes for G’S.
Visited in their town and hosted everything and taken them on two weekend trips and paid for everything.
H and I have found some expensive but it is only 4-5 times a year and have fun.
So, the interesting part is the conversation I had with DIL today regarding a possible trip over the Holidays.
We had thought Maui over Christmas but the $$ and the fact the D and S and Dil and D BF would all be “working” on their computers made me rethink. But, that said, the real depth of the conversation was my saying to her that she needs to tell me if they want to spend every Christmas Day with her parent or not? So far they are with us for a few days before and, last year, alone on the Eve and then with her family on Christmas. I explained to her that this is their family and they need to decide what their own traditions are and say so. All is OK with us. She found this an interesting thing and said she would this about it–.
My own MIL and such resented that we would not fly 2500 miles over the Holidays to be with them–but I never regretted it (nor with my family 2,000 miles away).
We hope to start the “family trips” this year and thanks for this posting!
I would be furious if In-laws expected H and I to pay unless they really had financial hardship and then it would still be up to us. The problem is that talking to your DIL is dangerous. Perhaps better to arrange future trips in such a way that others cannot be invited–such as 3 bedrooms only or condo or such.
S would be very upset if Dil were to feel pressured by us. I respect that in him and am proud of this behavior. His family life is with her as it should be. Should we not be able to pay for things then still think they would find us enjoyable enough.
“would all be “working” on their computers made me rethink” sounds like going someplace with spotty cell and internet might be a good idea. 
National parks and AmTrak have spotty to poor cell and Internet reception. We loved that aspect of our 3 week road trip with our kids after S graduated. Cruises also have exhorbitant cell and wifi and poor reception. ;
^love it
but would they ever trust me again? 
Our kids were OK, tho they did have to adjust a bit. We told them dad was having some nostalgia and really wanted to catch an Amtrak sleeper car when it was still available. We are also national park lovers, so they were OK with that as well. We WOULD go to “civilization” where there was coverage as well, so it helped mix things up.
Cruises are a nice way to get together while allowing people space and considerable freedom–say meeting for one or two meals a day?
@Silpat , I’m sorry, that just really stinks that you tried so hard and they changed everything you worked hard to organize. I’d feel pretty sad about it too.
We were fortunate to have taken a family trip last summer and again a few months ago. The kids came and went (most recent trip the older s and wife were with us for 3 days and stayed an additional few days and some of their friends joined them. Younger s and his gf joined us for 2 days.)
Last year older s and wife were with us for 3 days and then younger s, DH and I headed off in a different direction. I cherish every minute we have with them, and are fine of they go off for part of it to do something this enjoy. If they don’t have fun they won’t do it again, and that would be sad.
@Silpat Then it sounds like this is the way it is. DIL and her family are running the show, regardless of your wishes or plans you thought you made, at least for destination vacations. If you want to see more of your son, like I said earlier, you may need to invite the two of them to come stay with you. The in-laws can hardly invite themselves to that (can they??) and you’ll at least be home base for the kids.
I’m really sorry. I can hear the hurt. I think I’d feel exactly as you do.
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We went on trips with both sets of parents (separately) when our kids were young. Basically the set up was the parents rented a house, or cabins at a resort and we generally ate all our dinners together. Lunch and breakfast was often together, but not always. Outings were usually group outings, but the parents often preferred to just put their feet up, and those with younger kids occasionally opted out of something they knew the kids wouldn’t enjoy. One trip to France, dh and I made reservations to a Michelin-starred restaurant. One of my brothers and his wife came with us, the other didn’t. It’s all worked out very well.
The DIL having the in-laws vacation in the same spot seems weird to me, though I can see she might have thought she was killing two birds with one stone - able to see both families on one vacation.