<p>Perhaps it was a joke? A very poorly executed joke?</p>
<p>And Inparent if my other son, who is gay was sitting rt there when this was being discussed and he didn’t’t have a problem w the conversation, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t either</p>
<p>VS- I asked if he was joking. Nope. That’s why my advice was to talk about it when they both returned to school instead of it becoming the elephant in the room.</p>
<p>Hunt is so right. Guys don’t sit around and talk things through. There really isn’t any need for the young man to bring up the invitation. He should act like it never happened. If it happens again, then all he needs to say is what Hunt suggested—“Hey Dude, I’m straight.”</p>
<p>See women would need to talk it over and make sure all was well with each party and that everyone understood where everyone else was coming from…</p>
<p>Dave Barry wrote his " complete guide to guys" awhile ago.</p>
<p>Seriously funny but also a true guide for understanding guys.</p>
<p>He said guys only hear the first 5 or 6 words and its all downhill from there.</p>
<p>Just pretend it never happened unless the kid brings it up again.</p>
<p>Hopefully the OP’s S did say “Dude I’m into girls” and that should be the end of it. My H had a very good friend from elementary into HS days who was (now deceased) gay and it was not a big deal. I could not imagine in a million years one of my guys saying something like “If I was gay we could date.”…wouldn’t even cross their minds to talk like that to another guy gay or straight. Now if your S is ambivalent or uncomfortable that is an entirely different conversation.</p>
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<p>When one person asks another person if they would like to engage in sexual activity and the second person turns them down, I think it is impolite for the second person to tell others about the exchange at all. It is personal, the second person chose to reject the first person’s request, and it is nobody else’s business. It has nothing to do with their gender, I just think it is common courtesy. I teach my kids that sexual behavior is private between themselves and their partners, and it would be VERY impolite to pass on any details or information to any third party. Unless someone is in some kind of risk or danger, or someone is being exploited or feels forced to do something, it is nobody’s business. John may be a “lovely person”, but saying that anyone (male or female) offered him a b****** is just being a bit of a cad, IMHO.</p>
<p>I think that enough’s been said. No more discussion needed. If there is a tension, look for other housing. No reason has to be given.</p>
<p>^ agree with CPT- its a wrap!</p>
<p>Another possibility, he may not be gay. Maybe he’s just experimenting and always wondered what it would be like to do something with a guy? Plus, were the two drinking or on anything? That can definitely make you do things that you otherwise wouldn’t do. And as someone else said, maybe he meant it as a (bad) joke.</p>
<p>I agree with intparent.
I’m not a prude but there was no point in mentioning it.</p>
<p>IxnayBob:<br>
Opposite sex interactions don’t generally involve a college roommate. Totally different level of awkward.</p>
<p>I’m wondering why the young man felt so free to say such a thing in the first place to his straight friend? Can he not read signals at all? How would he not know this is unwelcome? Or is the OP’s son trying to tell her something, obliquely? </p>
<p>Also probably overthinking it, but this scenario does not seem a likely one to me.</p>
<p>Yes, I would wonder if alcohol and/or other drugs were involved in the situation described. That could cloud perceptions and inhibitions. I can’t imagine either of my kids confiding anything iPod this nature to me, but we all have different relationships with our kiddos. </p>
<p>I’d just pretend the thing was a poor joke and ignore it unless it ever comes up again.</p>
<p>I thought your suggested response was great. John can translate it into young man language, but basically 1) it didn’t bother me but I’m straight and 2) let’s not let this get in the way of a comfortable suite situation/friendship. This kind of thing happens all the time, between different genders and same sex. The possibility of a problem comes when one party “has feelings” for the other, so if that is the case, things might be more complicated.</p>
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That was my point: the young man translation is: “Dude, I’m straight. Want a beer?”</p>
<p>To put it another way, the way to deal with this is for the young man to show, by his behavior, that the kid who propositioned him is still part of the group–ie, by including him in games, meals, etc., while acting as if nothing happened.</p>
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<p>Basically I agree with what intparent is writing except I also think we need to be available when our kids want to talk about anything. I am reading this situation as a kid looking for advice, not as a kid bragging. Even cheekymonkey gives us two versions. When I read one version I imagine one scenario, the other version raises different possibilities in my mind. Where I think intparent is absolutely correct in not sharing the encounter, is the possibility of outing someone before he is ready. That would be really terrible. But, what if this was a way of coming out? What if what John heard was something different than what Dan thought he was saying? Already we have two different versions from someone who heard John’s version first hand. I am having great difficulty imagining this rooming situation where one student is gay and the others don’t know and that student makes an unexpected pass. I assume they all socialize together, especially if Dan was invited to spend time at John’s house. In my son’s dorm/roommate situations in college when a group of males was going out and said something like, “let’s go find the cute girls” my son always took that opportunity to say “let’s find a place there are cute guys, too” - at least as he reported the conversation to me. He didn’t want to have to say “hey dude, I’m gay” but he sure wanted them to know as soon as possible. He has a lot of straight male friends, who sometimes seem to me to serve as surrogates for his straight brothers who live far away from him.</p>
<p>I am happy to keep mulling and discussing because it seems to me to illustrate so many things our kids may have to deal with in college. I like compmom’s allusion to the fact many of us (especially women) learn to deal with unwanted sexual attentions very early. There may be individuals we very much want as friends but not as romantic interests. Somewhere along the line, we learn how to send out the right signals.</p>
<p>adding: #36 ditto - set up by text or email or facebook an outing for first night back at school and act like nothing ever happened. Say nothing to other roommates.</p>
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<p>Now hold on just a second. </p>
<p>The only place where you can “act like nothing happened” is when an appropriate proposition has been put to you. </p>
<p>“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Appropriate. A guy/girl/anyone can say, “No, thanks. I just see you as a friend. Do you want a beer?”</p>
<p>“I want to perform a (sex act) on you” is another thing entirely. That’s offensive no matter who you are. Guy to girl. Guy to guy. That’s just not appropriate, and that is what happened, according to the OP. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is ok to act like that’s nothing. Do your daughters think that’s ok when some guy says he wants to perform a sex act on them, like it is if he says she is beautiful?</p>
<p>Tranquil mind. I think young adults talk this way all the time. I think it is normal for them to be so crude. Have you seen some of the shows and cartoons they watch?</p>
<p>Totally inappropriate for my generation. Not so much theirs.</p>
<p>I do believe there may have been some beer drinking, so maybe social conventions and subtle signs were overlooked. Hard to know as we weren’t there. I really like the reply" dude, I’m straight . Want a beer? "</p>