I am an extrovert. I have a wonderful introvert friend whom I adore. She is a dear to me, would do anything for me, terrific listener, etc.
However, I am ALWAYS the one who reaches out to her. Asks her to do things with me, calls her, texts her, etc. If I go too long without contacting her she gets her feelings hurt. In the past, I have shared with her that I would love for her to reach out to me from time to time. Her response was, “I don’t want to bother you.” When I explain to her that that’s silly and that her contacting me would not bother me, I would welcome and appreciate her reaching out, etc. nothing ever changes. She doesn’t have very many close friends at all (maybe this is relevant? She is VERY attractive, and her introversion often makes others think she is stuck-up, aloof, etc), and I know she considers me to be one of her best friends. Most of the time I go along resigned to the fact that I have to be in charge of communication and making plans, but sometimes it just bugs me.
Are there any other extroverts out there who feel like they have to “carry” the responsibility of the friendship with their introvert friends?
Introverts - please don’t throw tomatoes at me! Just trying to understand.
I do have friends that seem very happy to hear from me or do things with me IF I REACH OUT. I don’t know if they are truly introverts, but it bothers me sometimes too. I do believe in one case she feels like I work and she is retired, so I will call when I have time. Another is happy to get together, but really doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Fortunately these are long term friendships so I just do whatever feels right to me. If they were new friends I would probably feel it was too much trouble.
I am an introvert. I generally get enough socialization by going to church on Sunday morning. Sometimes it is hard to remember that others may enjoy seeing others more often than that.
I’m an introvert and I find that I have to reach out to friends, introvert or extrovert, if I want to do anything. I’m not exaggerating. People always seem happy to go out and do something, but I’m the one who initiates.
I don’t know if it’s an introvert vs extrovert kind of thing. I think some people are just like that. I’m an introvert – in that, after I’ve been with people for a while, I really need to be alone to decompress – but I am very friendly, even to strangers, and usually the one reaching out.
So maybe I characterized/labeled that incorrectly? This particularly friend is an introvert. She loves one-on-one time, but if the group is, say, four women, she just doesn’t engage much - even when she knows the other three very well! Maybe introversion is the wrong label for that.
I have, in the past, had to coach her on how to make small take at holiday parties her husband has to attend. It’s hard for me to understand as I can (and do!) talk to just about anybody.
But, that is a different animal than not reaching out to your close friends and waiting on them to initiate.
Yes, two entirely different situations. Initiating outings is different than interacting socially with multiple people. I have difficulty with the latter and that’s why I call myself an introvert. When I’m in a group of several women, I feel like it’s hard to know when to “jump in” and say something. And if there are extroverts in the group, they tend to dominate the conversation. I don’t think they even realize they’re doing it. Perhaps if you’re in a group setting with her, you can ask her specific questions so she knows when to say something.
I don’t think you understand the concept of introvert if you feel like you are having to “carry” a friendship!
Your friend may know how to carry on conversations with anyone at a party - but she may not want to. Or it may be socially stressful.
I am an introvert. I do have the personality characteristic where it is very awkward to ask others to do things - be it a favor, go out or whatever - but I’m not sure if that is an introvert characteristic or just a personality trait.
My son and I are introverts – please try to understand, it can be very difficult for us to start up conversations or initiate contact unless we have a specific purpose or goal in mind. We’re not good at starting up a conversation and can feel awkward or embarrassed to make a call – “I don’t want to bother you” is definitely a genuine sentiment.
And if we work ourselves up to make the call and then our friend is too busy and gives us a pass … it makes it that much harder to try to repeat the process. It’s also hard for us to interpret social cues – if we call to invite a friend, and the friend says they have other plans and suggests “some other time” — we don’t know if that friend would genuinely like to spend time with us or whether the friend was just being polite, and would rather not hear from us at all.
We enjoy being with others and socializing – it’s just hard for us to initiate.
If you want to maintain a friendship with your introverted friend – I’d suggest that you try to set up a regular thing with whatever frequency you want – for example, a standard lunch date on the third Wednesday of every month —or a regular monthly movie date – or whatever you enjoy doing with your friend.
I think that flips the script — instead of needing to initiate, there is something on my calendar that I would have to take an affirmative step to cancel. And there is a clear, mutual understanding as to the frequency and nature of the casual contact.
I like that explanation @calmom. It does explain things.
I wonder if there is some social anxiety. I think that anxiety is one of those things that young people have and older people (me for one) thinks as a quirk, lol!
Like parties, I don’t mind once I’m actually at the party. But the whole idea of going is not something I find at all comfortable. Suggest getting together spur of the moment, I’m all for that. But invite me a week ahead of time, all week I think about what to wear, what to bring, am I going to talk too much? I kinda get in my head. But I go and have a good time.
And oh boy, having people at my house. I equate it to reinventing the wheel, so hard for my husband and I. . Another reason to decline a party, they might expect me to have them to my house.
I completely agree with calmom. While not ALL introverts are the same, it is true that many will find it difficult to initiate making plans. While I know it may be annoying to you, and it’s probably worth explaining to your friend that you’d LOVE for her to reach out occasionally and that she is NOT bothering you, it might just be a part of your friend’s personality you will have to accept.
Being more comfortable in small groups is very typical of many introverts. She might be fine in larger groups as well but will not be the most outgoing in those situations. Making small talk if often also a struggle for introverts. Remember, social interaction can at times be exhausting for an introvert, so “wasting” energy on small talk might not be something your friend wants to do. Sometimes introverts sort of save their energy for more meaningful conversations.
Like I said, if I didn’t initiate getting together with people, I would never go out! I used to find myself resentful, but then I decided not to waste the energy feeling that way.
My husband will sometimes say, “You’re always going out! I’d like to do that sometime!” and I tell him he has to arrange his own playdates.
Actually, I’m not an introvert. But I have a kid who is and we talk about this a lot.
I can see your point though. And while an introvert might have difficulty initiating, it’s doesn’t mean she’s incapable. And knowing it’s something that frustrates you and hurts you, she COULD try. Being introverted doesn’t mean she shouldn’t consider her friend’s feelings!
I really don’t think it is an introvert vs extrovert thing. At least not totally. The definition of an introvert is someone who is drained by social interaction, vs the extrovert who is energized.
I am an introvert but many people do not realize it because I am very good at cocktail parties and networking events, in fact I enjoy them. I just can’t do them several days in a row.
This sounds more like social anxiety of some sort or insecurity over how often or when she should call you. Almost like she didn’t learn the “rules” of social engagement. Your describing how she needed to be coached on making small talk almost sounds a little bit like being on the spectrum somewhat.
And now it appears as though you are in a pattern, where she just waits for you to initiate. I get how that can be frustrating!
I don’t think it’s an introvert vs extrovert thing at all. Some people are just more comfortable initiating calls and plans than others.
I will say, I had one “friend” who I just don’t see anymore. She never…and I mean never…contacted me, but was fine with going out for an outing or coming here. I decided to wait to see if she would ever call. The phone lines go in two directions. She never did. I did reach out to her again about a year ago…it had been two years since I had seen her. I haven’t heard from her since.
I think most folks would call me an extrovert…but I don’t want to be the only part of a friendship making all the plans.
There are planners / non-planners in the world … and I don’t think it necessarily follows extrovert/introvert splits. When dealing with somebody with a known busy schedule, it takes more guts (even for planners) to make suggestions.
@thumper1 - had to lol on the phone lines going both ways. My mil never calls/initiates contact. She and my (now deceased fil) would complain that they rarely saw or heard from my niece (their granddaughter). It hurt their feelings, but they didn’t reach out to her either.
There is a brief discussion about this (“reacher-outers” vs non reacher outers) in the most recent episode of Happier in Hollywood podcast.
If she’s a close friend, I think sharing your feelings with her about not wanting to carry the burden of always making the plans is appropriate. If she’s not close enough for that kind of convo, I agree that a regularly scheduled plan could help.
I am an introvert and as I age it is worse… I have always liked a smaller circle. I care deeply about people but don’t need to see them all the time. It is not a requirement or need for me to socialize. I realize that others feel this way. I don’t feel understood or actually valued . so am anxious to make plans. Not sure if this is due to my introversion or cultural because extroverts are more valued. Anyway, I do make plans, but not as often because of my work I am so dang tired. I think I will make more of an effort. when I am retired. I value people highly. they are just exhausting. Its hard for me to be superficial which is often required during social events.