Introvert here, kind of similar to your friend. I would have an honest talk with her. Explain that you might also feel you’re bothering her too much (even if you don’t actually feel so) and that she needs to start initiating things if she ever wants to have more friends. It’s a touchy subject but if you already coached her on small talk she might be open to other suggestions. Just be gentle and don’t push her or act like you’re offended. My guess is she feels so comfortable with your relationship she allowed herself to relax and not worry about when to call and what to suggest - you might not realize this is really hard work for her. However, she does need to put some work into the relationship, otherwise it’s not fair. You might also start by talking about the next meeting when you’re together so you both participate in planning.
I would love to have a friend like you, by the way. I let several budding friendships drop because I got tired of the “you invited me, next I have to invite you” dance.
@MaineLonghorn hit it on the head with the group issue. For me it’s all about timing. Introverts tend to ponder longer on their next phrase, and when I finally have something to say I often feel like conversation already moved past this topic - or I’m just a fraction of a second late and somebody else is already talking instead. Ask specifically for her opinions in group settings.
@downtoearth - I know this friend values me, and I very much value her. She is a close friend. We no longer live in the same area and sadly cannot get together on a regular basis. We have stayed close through phone conversations. She and her husband have come to visit us once and are coming again in three weeks. We always see them when we return to where we previously lived. I have even showed her that when I make my list of “must-sees” when we are in the area, that she is at the top!
@Hoggirl do you know that your friend isn’t enjoying herself in that group of 4? Just because she isn’t eagerly jumping into the conversation doesn’t mean she isn’t enjoying herself. She just may be content to be listening and absorbing the conversation. After all, she is there - so made effort to go.
I like calmom’s suggestion of planned events. My gym classes serve this purpose; I know some of the people well, but we rarely go out socially. I belong to,two bookclubs, see each other once a month. The county psychologists get together about every 6 weeks. Again, I don’t have to work to have contact. There are only a few friends that I see more often , and I have to push myself a little to contact.
OK, I really don’t get this concept: (“I decided to wait to see if she would ever call. The phone lines go in two directions. She never did.”)
Either you want to see your friend or you don’t. Did you tell your friend that a condition of your continued friendship was that she needed to initiate contact in the future? Or was this another one of those secret social “rules” that mystify people like me? Something that she needed to guess – and then not only guess that the ball was in her court, that you would welcome a call from her.
Because if someone who had regularly initiated contact and invited me to places in the past stopped calling me…; then I would take it as some kind of indication that the person didn’t want to socialize with me anymore. Which would make it even less likely that I would call. Now if the person TOLD me in advance that was the new rule… I’d get it… but I’d need to have it spelled out.
One thing that bewilders and frustrates me and my kids (including the extrovert) are behaviors that we see as passive-aggressive. People who get offended or upset at us for something we don’t know or understand that we’ve done (or not done) and who then react by punishing or retaliate in some way.
I don’t know if it is properly labeled introversion or something else – it’s quite possible that both my son and I have social traits that place us somewhere along the ASD spectrum (though far too highly functional to ever qualify for a formal diagnosis) — but we just aren’t at all good at reading other people’s minds.
And I don’t know if this pattern of expecting others to adhere to some set of unwritten social rules and feeling offended or angry when they don’t is a characteristic of extroversion or something else… but please, don’t assume that you know what is going on in the lives and minds of others.
If, when it comes down to it, you’ve decided that you don’t value the friendship enough to take on the rule of initiator-in-chief – that’s fine, but that’s your decision, not the decision of the person who isn’t aware that you’ve made a conscious decision not to call again unless they call first.
@abasket - I wouldn’t say she didn’t enjoy herself with the group of four. She just really prefers one-on-one time. We no longer live in the same area - this was something that happened a long time ago.
She does also enjoy when we get together with our husbands. Though, she is visiting next month and is a bit irritated that her husband wants to come, too (as he did last time). We have all been friends for 25 years.
I shouldn’t complain, and I need to be more understanding. It’s just quite different from my personality. I am definitely the planner and have been labeled the “glue” among several different groups of friends from all stages of life. I am a good organizer and am intentional about staying in touch with people. Beyond simple “likes” on FB.
Can you plan a regular phone date? Or maybe even a shared long-distance activity built around an outside event tied to your shared interests – for example, making it a point to call to discuss a televised event.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have had regular contact with my own father if we hadn’t had the understanding of the Sunday evening phone call that started back when I was a 16-year-old college freshman. (Sadly no longer possible due to my father’s failing health).
For me, I really lose track of time and it gets worse and worse the older I get. I mean, it seems like just yesterday it was last June – how did it suddenly get to be halfway through October? So your friend may not even be aware of how much time has passed since you last spoke.
Also – since you both have husbands (which I don’t) – because introverts tend not to need a lot of social stimulation, the presence of adult family members in the household might really tend to absorb most of their social energy. It’s interesting that you said that your friend is a bit irritated that her husband wants to come when she visits next month… I wonder why? (I’m not suggesting anything wrong with him or her relationship – but it could be related to the idea husband + friend at same time seems exhausting).
If someone never, and I mean…never…contacts me, what am I to assume? Am I to assume they want to see me? Or not?
I don’t think it’s a hidden rule…at all. Friendships and the things that make them work are a two way street. Sure, one person might be the one who contacts most…but if the other person never contacts…never…I would wonder if they really valued the friendship.
And I am still here…with the very same contact info. If this friend contacted me, I would be happy to see her.
I’m not even really an extrovert. I’m pretty balanced on the introvert/extrovert scale. But I have had a couple friendships like this. I do agree planners vs. non-planners don’t necessarily align with extroverts/introverts.
And honestly, at least with the most recent one I feel like there is probably more going on with her. Self esteem issues. Possibly depression or anxiety. I haven’t seen her in months because I literally initiated every contact the past 2 years and I just stopped and she canceled something on me with short notice.
I’m actually kind of lonely right now. But I feel like I need relationships with some give and take at this point in my life and it can’t be all me giving. If I were close enough I’d have a conversation with her about that.
I think I am an introvert who mostly mascerades as an extrovert. But I do have a weird phobia about initiating phone calls. I’ll always say yes if you call me, but I am much, much less likely to call someone to set up an outing. So in my case, it’s more a specific social anxiety issue that keeps me from dong my share of initiating dates.
As an introvert, I do not expect others to always carry the relationship. I will reach out to others when I see opportunities to meet up. And I do not always expect a positive response. But, I much prefer others to reach out to me. Right now, my D 19yo and H live 3000 miles away. H because of work and D because of school. I live with my 26yo S who I basically see for minutes most days. As an introvert, I try to plan 2 outings a week with others. Some weeks I go out more, some less, but average 2 nights a week. I literally make a list of what my plans are for the week. From cleaning bathrooms to going to concerts. Although i am an introvert, I need to keep busy and make sure I am not isolating myself. And I guess to answer your question, if you value the relationship, keep reaching out. I will say, that when I had kids, I made a huge effort to be more extroverted so they were not like me.
I actually brought this topic up several years ago, because I have friends who are like this. Not necessarily introverts either. They always love to get together and we have a great time…but never initiate contact first. It bugs me, too.
Sometimes I get my feelings hurt and think I’ll just wait to see if I ever hear from them. A couple I have stopped completely. Two I have continued, because I like them a lot. I think they are just not planners. We have a wonderful time and I consider them confidantes. I don’t want my pride to get in the way of that, but i still think of it every time I pick up the phone.
This is such an interesting - and sometimes mouth dropping content thread for me.
As long as you enjoy each other’s company when you’re together what does it matter who initiated it?!
Do “you” as the supposive extrovert do all the planning from making the call to deciding where you’ll meet or what activity you’ll do or who else is included - does the “introvert” not participate in any of that?
I’ll also say this. Your introvert friend(s) may be so grateful to you that you reach out. Just because they don’t reciprocate doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful that you initiate activities.
I am very much like @Hoggirl . I’m a planner. @abasket , to answer your question in regards to who cares who initiates the invite… Not ever being called and invited makes me feel like I like the other person more than they like me. What’s wrong with me? Do they call other friends? I start to feel like I’m begging for the friendship. Would I be dropped like a hot potato if I never called.
It’s tough sometimes not feeling like my friendship is valued and wanted by the radio silence. And that’s how those of you, who do not call, make us feel.
@mathmom I’m exactly the same way! Quite a few people actually have this phone phobia and try to avoid calling whenever possible. So this was my first thought when @Hoggirl said they only stay in touch by phone now.
I am someone who really struggles to initiate contact especially making phone calls. I think it is partly a self-esteem thing, thinking everyone will be too busy to want to hear from me…
it is easier for me to email a friend to check in, if we haven’t seen each other for a while.
But I kind of have to force myself to do it. Even when I know it is kind of irrational.
And when you stop calling your friend who may emotionally be unable or truly uncomfortable to reach out and ask you for a “date”, she/he will also feel unwanted.
Maybe birds of a feather should just stick together.
Your feelings are internal. No one outside of you “makes” you feel anything. The other people are doing, or not doing – and you are reacting – but your friends who don’t call aren’t the cause of your emotions.
People who are not initiators or planners rarely do. That’s what I didn’t know but I learned from my daughter when she was age 7. As a child and teenager, I never understood why others never called to invite me anywhere – and then I saw my daughter working the phones to round up kids for activities and realized that the group dynamic was powered by the person doing to the calling.
@abasket - I don’t agree with the birds of a feather thing. And, I do work hard to not “keep score.” But, just as @conmama said, every once in awhile I just get tired of ALWAYS being the one that initiates.
This friend is definitely a confidante. She enriches my world. I feel I do the same for her. But, it’s just sometimes frustrating to never have any reciprocity on the effort. I won’t ever stop reaching out to my friend.
