Extrovert/introvert friendships from the extrovert’s perspective - do others sometimes feel as I do

@calmom - this is me. I am often the “cruise director.”

Good for you!

Another way to conceptualize the difference is to think of social energy as a form of capital. The extroverted planners are the ones with social capital wealth – not only do they have a large store of self-replenishing social capital (passive income) - they also have the benefit of all sorts of bulk discounts and free services (the social equivalent of low-cost phone plans with unlimited data, calls, and texting) – and when they plan or attend an event, it’s like an investment with an immediate payoff. They don’t have to spend much, but the more they spend, the more they have.

And the introverted, non-planners are living in social capital poverty. Social events drain their resources, there is no such thing as a free call – everything they do socially has a cost that taxes their limited social-spending budget.

So it’s like if you had a friend who was unable to work due to a disability, and was entirely dependent on their social security check and whatever other social services they qualify for, which barely covers the cost of their rent. Of course, that friend doesn’t own a car either. So if you want to do anything with that friend, you’ve got to provide transportation and pick up the tab. And that can seem frustrating — but if we also assume that this was a person whose friendship you valued even though the person had fallen on hard times.

I think the extroversion/initiator vs. introversion/non-planner falls across a spectrum, just like actual financial disparities – but the point is that in each case there is an imbalance in the reserves each person has to draw on.

The “birds of a feather” comment was more sarcasm. Largely because if that was true introverts or “so called” would never get out of the house! :slight_smile:

@calmom, we are just telling you how it makes us feel. It makes us feel bad.

The fallen on hard hard times and disability analogies just don’t work for me. I don’t want to be calling all the time, and I find it annoying. Sometimes I stop for certain lengths of time, and then for the sake of friendship, text for a date. I push myself to do it at times. But then I’m glad I did.

Why can’t you push yourself too, sometimes?

Maybe you are right @abasket Maybe birds of a feather should stick together. But friendships don’t necessarily start out like that, people knowing it. And I never played the I’ll call you, you call me game when establishing friendships.

It just dawns after awhile. And at that point, it’s hard to just wash our hands of those friendships of people we’ve grown close to. But it does makes us wonder how valued we are.

So, I guess how come we have to always be the ones making sure the other person feels valued by always initiating calls and not vice versa?

I think other people have covered most of my point of view - I’m another introvert but I do actually do some of the social planning with my friends. I hate the phone though so I usually reach out by email or text. I have pulled back from a couple of friendships with people that never put the effort in themselves. These weren’t super close friends, more like people that I used to see when my kids were in elementary school and we’d go for coffee after dropping the kids off, and then for another year or two I’d text them to get together but it seemed like I was the only one ever planning anything. (I should add… I’m not the planner in every group I’m in… I have a couple of friends where I probably don’t pull my weight on the planning end, although that’s more a group thing than a one-on-one thing).
In your case since this woman is a closer friend maybe you can try again to get her to pick the ball up occasionally… like maybe if you are chatting about life in general you could mention that you’ve been feeling unappreciated by your friends generally as you are always inviting people to do things and no one ever invites you to anything (ie, don’t single her out specifically but have it be more about how it gets exhausting and frankly a little disheartening to always have to be the planner). If she comes back again with the nonsense about not wanting to bother you you could suggest she can always text or email rather than call if she’s worried about calling at a bad time.

I have a close friend who never calls or initiates anything. She told me up front that it was hard for her to do that, so she just doesn’t. We are happy to see each other, but if I don’t text her to meet up somewhere, I would never see her.

We are part of a larger group of 5, she comes, talks a little, but as @Hoggirl says, “I am the cruise director” of this group. I laugh when one of the group sends me message to gather us all and here is her work schedule (it is flexible). She would never send it out to the friend group. Some people are just like that. I don’t take it personally or consider it introvert/extrovert. But I am a planner/organizer, and many just aren’t.

I was just thinking about how it is sometimes exhausting to do most of the planning and inviting in order to have fun things to do. I have a lot of friends, but in various groups. I don’t have a big group that gets together every weekend, which I generally prefer, but it takes more work to have a good social life.

The reality is even planners like to be invited and to know their friends are thinking of them. There are some people that keep score - for dinners, playdates etc. But I never cared or understood people who dropped a friends because they friend didn’t reciprocate appropriately. But at some point, continued one-sided invites do get noticed. In one of my friend groups, there is one couple that has never hosted even though they have been invited multiple times to the rest of our homes over the past few years. Not going to stop inviting them, but definitely some subtle comments have been made.

In this case, it sounds like you value this friend for enough other traits, that it will continue to be worth the effort. But I would let her know, again, that you would really appreciate a call, text, or email inviting you to do something.

For me, email and texting is so much easier than calling, especially when you had to call a house phone. If I text someone, they can respond when convenient. I don’t ending up bothering them during dinner, or having to talk to their husband or kids. That really used to trigger social anxiety (and phone calls still do) although otherwise i am not very anxious.

I’m a sociable introvert, if there is such a thing, but I find it very difficult to reach out. It almost never occurs to me any more. I think the only way I would do it is if I had a friend like the OP who actually encouraged me to do so and made it clear that it would be welcome.

@twinsmama , will you help me to understand? Why is it difficult? Are your only friends extroverts who do the inviting? If you have other introvert friends, how do you get together?

I am a highly social introvert. I can go to parties alone, in fact. But I really, really need a lot of time alone just to survive. And I don’t reach out to others as much as I should.

I have a friend like you, @Hoggirl , who always initiates stuff. I’ve begun to realize how important it is to reciprocate, so last week, I texted her to set up a time for a virtual meeting (we no longer live in the same state). I know she really appreciated it, and have resolved to do it more often.

I would argue that being an introvert and not reaching out to people are part of the same thing. If introverts get all of their social needs met from just inadvertent social interactions like work or going to the library, they don’t feel the need to reach out to make a social connection deliberately.

I’m basically the other person in this equation like your friend, @Hoggirl. I have quite a few friends who get upset when I don’t call or initiate contact regularly. It’s so hard for me to do it, because I feel I’m being needy by calling them asking them for some of their time, I don’t want to bother them because a) they work and would like their evenings and weekends to decompress or b)they just want to spend the time with their husbands or kids. I’m absurdly sensitive when I call and the person on the other end can’t talk. It feels like a rebuff although rationally I know better. I stopped calling one good friend after one such call and ultimately we drifted apart.

I hate making calls but once we start talking, the discomfort goes away and we end up talking for a long time. But every call that I need to initiate makes me nervous and anxious. I know that my friends feel hurt because I don’t call them often so we’ve worked out a compromise now - I text them to reach out as well to set up a meetup, texts not being as intimidating. At least I think we have, my friends may not agree.

I’m someone who doesn’t need a lot of friends or social stimulation. I like my alone time and don’t like too much interaction with others. Introvert or personality disorder? I don’t know and don’t think it matters that much. I like one on one or small group interactions and don’t do too well in large groups. But according to family and friends, I don’t look uncomfortable as much as snooty. It’s not something I can do anything about so I work on the parts I can. Keep the few close friends I have even if it means getting out of my comfort zone a bit. It works because they are kind people who try to accept me as I am and don’t give up on our friendship. I have lost a few friends because either I wouldn’t meet them halfway or they got tired of always being the one reaching out. I guess we weren’t meant to be friends.

Love people but am very introverted.

I’m part of a small group of moms who have been friends since our thirty-year-old kids were in kindergarten. We’ve been getting together every few months all this time. There was a stretch during which I was the one initiating plans, and when it started bothering me I stopped. It was more a no-hard-feelings thing than anything else – I couldn’t make myself do it any more but wasn’t going to ascribe motives or take on any emotional impact from them not doing it. Others initiated contact since then, and it seems pretty balanced overall now.

I completely get working with a friend’s personality and practices. She may always run fifteen minutes late, I may forget to return books I borrow, etc., and we work with it. For some of us, a friend who doesn’t feel comfortable being the one to ever do the inviting might be in that category. On the other hand, there’s a level at which the concept of reciprocity kicks in. I had a friend who fell off the radar when I stopped being the one who started the “how’s it going, want to catch up for coffee?” interchanges that she was very engaged with. To paraphrase someone upthread, email goes both ways, and I decided continued friendship didn’t nourish me enough to make up for that unilateral component.

I consider myself an introvert. Most people don’t believe that I am because of my career as a trial attorney. However, that is my work persona, not me, and being on in court is very draining.

With that said, I do enjoy getting together with people, but tend to stick with the same groups of people. I have one friend who is incredibly extroverted. She’s a social worker and is warm and hospitable and gathers friends like butterflies. I don’t envy her, but I enjoy being her friend. We have a moms’ night out every couple of months. She and I will text to set up a date and then she reaches out to everyone else in the group, mostly because they are all women I met through her. I don’t socialize separately with any of them, because I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to them without our mutual friend involved.

I have another work friend, a man, who is another extrovert. He organizes the happy hour parties that we do once a month or so. It’s not something I would ever dream of doing, but when I go, I have fun. However, when I go to company functions or bar dinners, I tend to sit at my table and not mingle. I hate mingling, it’s a huge part of why I didn’t go into management.

My H is an extrovert. If he wasn’t always surrounded by people, he’d make up imaginary friends. I think that’s why he loves FB and I hate it.

Actually I think Facebook works very well for introverts. For me it’s an easy way to acknowledge and support friends without the click of a button. The system tells me when it’s someone’s birthday, keeps me posted on whose got a new grandkid, and I can make all those supportive remarks without ever having to make a phone call. (Plus the recipients of my well wishes seem to like it).

I always thought FB was more of an introvert’s world – a place where loners could sit in their bedrooms and still have a sense of being part of the lives of their 380 “friends.”

Extroverts like my daughter seem way too busy actually going places to spend much time on FB.

Wow, this thread is fascinating.
So cool to hear so many views on both sides.

I have a great deal of difficulty initiating contact with casual friends and socializing in large groups, especially with new people.

I learned growing up to mostly listen and not speak. That didnt help build confidence or self esteem. Severe depression affected several in my family and I treat my own with meds and therapy. I have moderate hearing loss from ear infections as a child.

Boy, my life doesn’t sound so hot!
The point of my post is to show that theres a bunch of stuff that goes into how a person relates to others that might not be apparent, at least initially.

I had a long professional career, a very long ongoing marriage, two lovely children.

I reach out to even close friends by text first …I still feel I want them to respond at their leisure. I dont want to “bother” them if they’re involved in something more important. I’m making this up in my head, of course. Still hard to shake.
I mistake words during conversations and volunteer info that is totally off base. So I tend to listen more and speak less.
My close friends get it but with newbies it can be weird/uncomfortable.

I retired a few months ago.
Large workgroup with a handful of close friends over many years.
I realized how important these women are to me.
Decided I needed to push myself if I wanted them in my life.
Sent a group email for a lunch at our new home with some possible dates. All but one accepted!
Now I’ll have to clean the house!
I decided it was ok that one sent regrets even with no specific reason. It was hard but it felt good not to make up some story that could be true or not.
The anxiety is hard to kill.

Sorry for this excessively long post.
Obviously the topic stirred up so much for me.

I’ll throw in another factor that is sometimes a factor. I have a job with weird and sometimes unpredictable offshift schedules. (Other people might have family obligations hard to predict) It is a deterrent to me setting up anything with friends because I’d feel bad cancelling something that I initiated.

People are different. When my husband and I got married I sent notes to his family. If we got a gift, I’d send a short note. If a birthday or major holiday was coming up, I sent a card with a handwritten note. His family doesn’t really write letters. They pick up the phone. That’s great if that’s your custom, but I’m a letter writer. Neither is right, they’re just different.

Now that we have text messaging and social media it’s much easier to connect with family and friends. I don’t really do social media but I can carry on a text conversation even when I’m too busy for a phone call. Old habits are hard to break, though, especially if they’ve been years in the making. If people aren’t calling maybe try a different method of communication.

I see a lot of people see themselves as introvert. I am not sure what I am. I am very outgoing at work, especially at meetings, and am usually very energetic when around people. But I love going home to be by myself. I do not feel lonely by myself all weekend, I even look forward to it. I do not like to stay over at people’s house (a handful of people), and when I do I like to have some quiet time by myself. I would at most like to go out 2-3 times a week (would prefer 1).

I do not think just because one is an introvert, it means the person is capable or want to make plans. I think its more about being comfortable with a relationship and leaving it to someone else to make the plan (OP has been doing such a good job, why change it).

As far as reading social cues, some may be better at it, but it can be trained from a young age. I can be brash sometimes (see some of my posts), but I am very self aware and it’s from people telling me (I am brash now when I want to. :slight_smile: )

D1 said something very profound a while back, “You can’t change someone. The only thing you can do is to choose if you want to have relationship with the person.” She was talking about her father.

I have a friend that I would say is an extrovert. She loves being around people, will drop anything to get out of the house and do something with anyone, craves family time even if it’s family she doesn’t love, could sit and be social for HOURS.

However she cannot be the ringleader. She is very hesitant to host anything on her turf, when we decide to get together she will looks to me to decide where we are going to go/meet. I think the place or event really doesn’t matter to her - just tell her where to go and she will show up! Even so much as at a coffee shop she is very hesitant about what she will order until she knows what I am going to order.

So she is very social, seeks social interaction but very, very much does NOT want to be the planner/ring leader - she avoids it!

And I know that about her, accept it and move on with it.