I’m sort of all-over-the-place socially. Parenthood turned me into a planner with regard to my daughter’s activites but, for myself, I like to be spontaneous. Definately more of an introvert with some social anxieties but I do love off-the-cuff small talk in certain situations (when traveling, shopping or walking the dog, I can strike up a conversation with anyone) and I find all kinds of people interesting, as long as they re also interested in talking. (don’t want to impose on anyone). I also love meaningful conversation with one or a few close friends at a time. I need a lot of unstructured down time/alone time and I also need to feel a sense of belonging and sincere connection with people.
What I find difficult is that in-between stage in relationships…the ones past the small-talk stage that don’t progress to close friendship (unless it’s just a pragmatic, pleasant relationship based on common work). I really hate the situations where there’s a clear social hierarchy (as if adolescence has never ended) where social groupings have congealed and everyone seems to have been pegged into roles and expected to play those roles. I dislike pretentiousness or social dominance based on petty things.
I live in a socially stratified small town where there’s little social movement. Honestly, it feels a little like living in a time warp to me after living in many other places. People can be friendly and genuinely kind in passing, but they stick with thier groups and that’s that. If you weren’t born here it’s very hard to break into being with anyone who’s “from here” (I kid you not). Most of the people I’ve gotten to know pretty well over the nineteen years I’ve lived here (most of my daughter’s little-kid playgroup, for example) have also moved here from elsewhere, but we’re in the minority. The problem is, the ones I’ve gotten closest to have moved away. Meanwhile, nineteen years is a LONG time away from the people with which I had a lot in common in my previous life, and they have moved on. So they are more important to me than I to them.
To exacerbate this, I’ve developed some pretty serious multiple food allergies that make it impossible for me to eat safely in restaurants or in people’s homes anymore. (I react to a lot of the subtle things that make food yummy so it’s not just a matter of avoiding an ingredieant or two). I also have a moderate hearing loss (nerve damage from an overdose of the medicine cloroquine when I had cloroquine-resistant malaria while in the Peace Corps). I have hearing aids but they don’t correct everything or screen out background noise. Like another poster said, I ofen “get” what is said in large-group conversations when it’s too late to respond, or I’ve already responded inappropriately because I misheard. Hearing loss really makes a person seem more socially unskilled than they really are, and having it exacerbates social anxiety (which I might have grown out of by this time otherwise). I think the food allergies and the hearing loss make it difficult for people who don’t already know me well, to want to bother to get to know me well. I try not to take it personally…the first step in cementing a friendship is eating together and in a small town there’s not much else to do. So what I mostly do to keep from being totally isolated is doing volunteer work, dog walking, traveling and getting on this forum.
Having said all this (having both introversion/extroversion/some social anxiety) I have a lot of sympathy here for @Hoggirl and @conmama. @Hoggirl has more than demonstrated that she values and enjoys her introverted friend, so I don’t “get” how the friend can adhere to this claim that she’s afraid of bothering @Hoggirl. In fact, she has been told that it is the LACK of calls that bother @Hoggirl. While I don’t think friends should keep count (and we should accept individual quirks) friendship must be reciprocal to some degree, even if it means Hoggirl would call her friend three times or four times for every call back. I think most people want to feel appreciated, and it’s very hard to feel that a friend values you if they don’t reach out. NOT getting contacted by a friend can produce social aniety as well! For those of you who feel that @Hoggirl should just accept her friend’s introversion/anxiety, why is @Hoggirl’s desire to be called back not seen as just as legitimate a need ?
