@conmama, You asked why it’s difficult for me to reach out. Well, I guess I am generally quite unsure whether people like me enough to want me to reach out. So it takes a long time to get over that with any individual. I have no childhood or college friends (thanks to many moves during the first half of my life), so current friends are all from my motherhood years. Also, I work full time and have little interest in doing anything in the evening (or, more accurately, some interest but little energy). So I can think of some friends I would like to see more often than our monthly book club, and who I would like to know better, but they don’t live near me and some of them also work full time, so I’m just glad that we get together monthly. Another thing is that I really hate making phone calls, although I have been forcing myself to get over that by making calls for my children’s schools. With all that said, if a long-term friend was actually asking me to reach out more, I would make the effort. After all, I am a sociable introvert. 
I can relate, @twinsmama.
Such an interesting discussion!
Points to consider…I find that regular get togethers sort of make my social life. The monthly book club, the quarterly get together with my 34 year old son’s 'baby group". The season concert tickets, the birthday celebrations, etc. Might it help some of you who struggle with initiating things be more comfortable with something regular on the calendar? Certain people in my community are great organizers, and I so appreciate those who include me in plans.
I have had such busy years in the last few, weddings, a move, house renovations, parental issues, that my time or energy to initiate much has gone down the tubes though there are a lot of folks I enjoy seeing in my community. But those planned events keep me from being a total hermit. I used to host two parties a year, and somehow that was enough to keep me feeling connected, as there sometimes are reciprocal invitations.
Has the computer age/smart phone age made you more or less isolated? I have often thought that I was far happier before computers and smart phones, as the ringing phone provided a certain amount of social contact that now does not occur, in terms of incidental conversations with a friend calling to make plans. There are few people I call just to chat, but I sure miss those sometimes amazing conversations that were part of parent phone trees and so on.
Perhaps I am alone in this or not, but my social life might be a bit busier if I was less content sitting down many evenings to read CC threads, solo with cat on lap.
@inthegarden - do you live in the South? I know that the “you’re not from here,” issue happens in the South. I wonder if that sentiment expands to other regions of the country.
@twinsmama , thanks for taking the time to answer my question. I think all of feel, from time to time, whether we are liked. Made to feel the outsider in some groups. I have one group I get together with that I have always felt like that…always. Sometimes I wonder why I even go. I never see these women outside the 3 times a year dinner.
I think it has just always been hard for me to reach out first even though I enjoy being with people. I always worry that they are busy and that I will be bothering them. It is much easier for me now that we can text or email to keep in touch because I just hate hate hate making phone calls—that’s where I really feel like I am calling at the wrong time, will be interrupting, will be bothering them. It all seems ridiculous to say. But true from my very earliest memories of being afraid to approach the neighborhood children!
So lately I have actually been putting some of the planning social stuff on my to-do list, as well as reaching out more by text.
Another thing is that my social life suffers from issues at home. Spouse has a chronic illness that makes it hard for him to go out or have people over sometimes. It’s very unpredictable. So then I don’t always feel comfortable planning things with him or without him, either. Sometimes I neglect to plan things for myself because I am hoping to do certain things with him, and then if he ends up not being able to do them, I feel strange about calling friends at the last minute, like it would be bothering them.
Overall, I think lots of relationships are somewhat imbalanced…one person plans more, or reaches out more, at least during some periods. Some people entertain more at home and others call and check in on friends more. Hopefully it all works out.
For a while, my mother was not calling her sister, because she said she was always the one who had to make the calls. It seemed like kind of a test to see if her sister would start initiating the calls. Which she didn’t. So then they went for a while without calling until my mom started calling her again.
A few years later, other things started happening…eventually it became clear that her sister was going downhill in terms of health and memory issues. Who knows if the lack of phone calls was a sign.
It happens in the Midwest. I’ve lived in my town 37 years, and I’m still an outsider. Of my close friends here, only one is born and bred. All others are imports.
And that may be part of the issue. When you grow up in one place and never leave, you may not think about branching out to meet new people because your life is already full.
^^^ My small New England city feels pretty insular in some ways. Kids would play together because their parents grew up together, that sort of thing. So you’re an outside not just if you weren’t born here, but even if you were but your parents weren’t. As in “just because the cat has her kittens in the oven doesn’t make them biscuits.” Meow.
As someone who’s inclined not to reach out, I don’t expect others to do all that part of the heavy lifting. When I do so with the close circle of friends I mentioned earlier it’s because my love for them overrides my preference. Without exception, I’m happiest alone.
^ This, @dentmom4 , and not just in the Midwest. For those of you who have lived in more mobile cities, or who have lived in the same town forever, it may be a strange concept to grasp just how difficult it can. be for newcomers to get integrated into the core of the kind of small town where few people move in or out. It isn’t just a matter of being open, friendly, kind, getting involved in the town and volunteering. People are kind and smiling, sure. But getting in deeper than that is very hard.
Like dentmom4 said, people are comfortable with the extended family and family friendships and shared history that often goes back generations and are uncomfortable with people and ideas outside of that bubble. Even GETTING involved can backfire if you do too good of a job…you can find out the hard way (I have, a few times) that someone is threatened by your efforts to do something you thought was nice. or that it’s just not DONE that way.
This is getting tangential from OPs thread, but I guess I’m saying that experiencing being a permanent outsider for years despite one’s efforts… or just not finding people receptive to new friendship time and time again …takes its toll on your patience or courage to take initiative one more time without that reciprocity. It also kind of leads you to excessively question your own social behavior until you’re walking on eggshells. (Honestly, it was easier for me to make friends in larger cities and African villages!) I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard of people being rejected because they grew up fifteen miles from this particular town, or went to the wrong church, or other reasons I would have thought implausable before living here.
I’ll PM you @Hoggirl. Don’t want to get too specifiec here.
I’ll introduce a different perspective, as an introvert. I had a few friendships with extroverts that have died, because when I took the initiative to plan something, the friend (extrovert) cancelled at last minute with a seemingly good reason, but it came down to something better came along. (I may be an introvert, but I’m not stupid.) It doesn’t take very long to learn that I can’t compete with an extrovert’s preferred friends. I’ll stick with my introvert friends. I know I can trust them to prioritize their time with me.
Those of you who are extroverts, have you ever bailed on a friend?
I have been reading this thread and I am wondering if those of you that may let a friendship die out if the other person didn’t start initiating some of the contact have had conversations with your friends about it? Have you asked them why they don’t call or send a text to start things going? Sometimes having a real life conversation brings a greater understanding. If you find out it hard for the other person to start things maybe you’d be more understanding. And, if they know how important it is to you and that a text or email is acceptable over a phone call, then maybe they would make the effort?
It just seems that a lot of people really are not aware of what the other side is thinking/feeling, they just know they wish it was different and maybe projecting a bit. And, that projecting may or may not be right.
No. I keep my commitments, only change if an emergency (rare and almost never).
@FlyMeToTheMoon - if I ever cancel on a friend (any friend), it’s because I have a good reason. I am extremely reliable.
As others have said, the reaching out/not reaching out thing isn’t necessarily an introversion trait. Ditching friends for no reason isn’t necessarily an extroversion trait.
@bajamm, I have done that in the past, and tried to be diplomatic, open-minded, etc, but it didn’t really end well. Maybe I’m too “real” of a person for many people’s tastes, and inadvertantly gotten myself in trouble with people I considered trusted friends… thinking a sincere conversation, giving the benefit of the doubt on both sides would be welcomed etc. I’ve been shocked to find out it wasn’t taken as meant no matter how carefully I tried to word things. So, I mostly just stay closer to the surface of things even if that isn’t “me” in an effort not to annoy.
I’m resigned these days to being “me” with my pets! I’m most outgoing when I travel because I figure if somebody doesn’t enjoy my company I’m not bothering them for more than a minute or two 
It’s refreshingly liberating!
@bajamm I didn’t have a heart-to-heart conversation with others when they didn’t initiate, but I did say things along the lines of “this was nice, let me know when it’s a good time to do it again” etc. Not passive hints, but direct and light.
When people changed over from initiating contact pretty evenly to not at all, I didn’t speculate about motives beyond a concern that something might be going wrong for them at work, medically, etc. My parents projected to a painful degree, so I try really hard not to do that.
The friendships I was ready to let die had changed to me reaching out all the time. I didn’t want to continue that and was fine letting the chips fall when I stopped. Maybe I wasn’t invested enough to explore the issue any deeper with them. To be honest, though, I probably would have contacted the group of moms I’m still close with, because I really love spending time with them. Which is a chicken-or-egg thing, because they’re the ones who seamlessly got back in the rhythm of taking turns initiating our get-togethers.
It’s probably an unhealthy trait, but I default to being ready to walk away, so take what I post here with that grain of salt.
@inthegarden I don’t think I could stand living somewhere like that. (I lived for 10 years in a suburb that was almost the exact opposite - it had a lot of recent arrivals to the region both from other parts of the US and from other countries and was really vibrant and full of all sorts of social possibilities. The downside was that the high turnover meant that you never quite knew who was going to stay for more than a couple of years.) I just hate the mindset of ‘we’ve always done it that way.’
"Regular get togethers sort of make my social life. " - So true. I miss the years where I did exercise classes a few times a week at the work fitness center at lunch break. I got to talk to lots of nice people (mostly women, although the work site is mostly men), some that I knew from prior job.
@washugrad, The town didn’t even have so much as a coffee shop in 2000 when we moved here. I knew I was in for it when a new eatery was just opening up near the college in the next town and people at work were talking about it, almost in whispers: “They’re going to sell BAGELS there…I don’t know…I don’t think that sort of thing is going to go over here…” LOL.
Just last week the newspaper featured an article about the local interim superintendent being voted in as permament by a block of the BOE after two months on the job (the last superintendent left for a new job) without any state/national search for the best qualified candidate because “the ones who have worked out good here have been local.” The article then quotes that same board member saying how he walked up to the last superintendent shortly after his arrival in the community and said “you’re not well-iiked because you’re not from here.” As if that’s a normal and reasonable thing to say.
There are certainly charming, good things about the area and the people. But that’s not to say it’s not tough in some ways! I could give you a lot more stories but I’ll spare you
As an adult I lived in D.C., New Orleans, Chicago area and a few other countries before we moved here for my husband’s tenured job. I’m an odd fish here, that’s for sure!
@FlyMeToTheMoon …never. If I make a commitment, I go. Even if I just don’t feel up to it when the time comes. I pull it together and have a good time, the couch and book can wait.
I have one friend that is an introvert that I finally let go because of her constantly cancelling on me. We are still FB friends. After 3 years she finally reached out to plan something. That particular week I couldn’t. So I kept giving alternate dates for awhile. Reached out a few months later. Radio silence.
The friend who is looking for better options is just a jerk.
@bajamm , I would not ask someone why they don’t initiate. I don’t think anyone wants to be put in that position of being questioned, especially if they suffer from social anxiety as discussed here, or have all sorts of doubts. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities necessarily, and would probably make something up. I bet it could possibly backfire. Sometimes those very honest conversations don’t work.