<p>Two situations in my family: “Great-Uncle John” gifted (can we just say “gave”?) DH the maximum then allowable for five years, with the understanding that it was to be used for our children’s college. John had no children, spouse was long gone. There are many other great nieces and nephews. We have no idea if others have received anything, but John and DH’s late father were always close and John values education so providing for college is how he choose to give his money. We feel vaguely guilty but deeply appreciative. Fair or not?</p>
<p>Second one - grandma gave first grandchild a nice sum for college graduation. 1991. It was enough to buy a fairly nice used car. Same sum for each grandchild. Didn’t go as far with 2010 niece, nor will it for nephew still in college. Oh well, ours were at least in the middle. ;-)</p>
Right. Money to a kid would be left in trust, perhaps to be used for certain expenses, with the remainder to go to the kid once he/she reaches a certain age. I wouldn’t hand over vast wads of cash to a 17-year-old, for example.</p>
<p>sewhappy, my kid is also tight with his money. Tight with mine, too. (“My Owlet, please fly there instead of taking a 20-hour bus trip; I’ll pay for the flight! It’s okay!”)</p>
<p>I don’t get the concept of expecting to inherit from your in-laws. I have been married for over 32 years and do not expect to receive anything from mine. And I shouldn’t. (I have no idea how much my in-laws even have or how their will is written). My parents have a substantial amount of money which they plan to split evenly between me and my siblings. H is already aware that while I will certainly spend it on things that benefit both of us or that I might gift him some of the money, I plan to have the funds in a separate account. That way, if I predecease him my parents’ money would go to our children (my parents’ grandchildren) and not to a potential second spouse or anyone else. Not that I don’t trust H to do the right thing, but I have seen that very thing happen.</p>
<p>I get what you are saying, FallGirl, and yet, after 10+ years of major sacrifices in order to pay tuition, I am appreciative that, should DH predecease his parents, anything they may leave will come to me. But, then, due to prior behavior, everyone knows I would be all about the kids and what is best for them.</p>
<p>“Fairness” is definitely a complicated concept.</p>
<p>Our situation: DH had 3 siblings: 2 sisters (neither has children) and 1 brother. His brother died in 2008. Brother’s estate was left entirely to his wife who spent all funds (and lost the house and all belongings) in less than 18 months due to drug addiction. Brother’s 3 teenage sons were put in state custody in 2008 and after 18 months in the courts we were granted custody in 2009. </p>
<p>We have 4 daughters of our own. DH’s mother changed her will after my husband’s brother’s death to split her estate 3 ways, equally between her 3 remaining children. She feels it is our duty to now provide for the boys in our wills. expecting us to now split our estate 7 ways instead of 4. </p>
<p>To DH and me, this doesn’t seem “fair” on the part of his mother. It seems to us that her deceased son’s equal share should have been left to his 3 sons. But we have kept this feeling to ourselves because #1. it is her money to do with as she wishes and #2. money is not, and never will be, worth risking family bonds.</p>
<p>Frankly, I find the idea of keeping careful track of money spent on Christmas gifts to make sure everything is equal absurd, and a bit unhealthy.</p>
<p>My parents are extremely generous with both me and my brother. I am in a graduate program that gives a stipend. He is entering an MA program that costs a substantial sum of money. They are planning on paying for the MA. I would never expect - or, indeed accept - a gift of comparable value.I know that if I’m ever in financial difficulties, they’ll help me out. If that never becomes necessary, I’ll feel lucky, not cheated.</p>
<p>Equality, foolishly applied, can be anything but fair. I think catie’s example above is a good one. By refusing to acknowledge that catie’s situation had changed dramatically, her parents, well-intentioned as they may have been, were unfair to her. While she is being gracious about the matter, it also shows that an equal division of wealth can also become a source of tension and hurt feelings in a family.</p>
<p>Of course, the optimal situation would be if each of the seven become self-sufficient to the point that inheritance from your estate would not be something that they care that much about.</p>
<p>(But do you have a full size van for family trips?)</p>
<p>Catie, glad for your brother’s teen sons were able to have you raise them. That is very giving and generous of you. </p>
<p>“Fairness” and “equality” can be very tough, especially where there are difficult circumstances to navigate, like those described above. We have not kept track of gifts we have given to either of our kids, nor funds we have expended on each for their respective HS & college educations & living expenses. </p>
<p>We covered some of the troubling issues than can arise in estates, trusts and wills. Have read a few books about the subject as well more recently. So much depends on circumstances and I can certainly understand why there is great motivation for families to donate or spend much of the money to minimize the hard feelings and not have the next generation just waiting to inherit.</p>
<p>I have a question for those who believe in strict equality of treatment of all siblings by the parents. Does this work both ways? </p>
<p>Say Dad dies and over time Mom needs ever increasing “tending” to be able to safely live alone or, perhaps she is in slow decline with Alzheimer. Are the siblings to assist only to the extent of the willingness of the least involved? Are all siblings to live within the same distance to Mom? Must each sibling participate to the same level regardless of that sibling’s circumstances?</p>
<p>If there is a need for financial support of a parent or the parents, must each sibling contribute the same without regard to personal circumstances?</p>
<p>Somemom (and others) I totally trust H, but have seen situations where the surviving parent has all good intentions but for whatever reason dies before he/she writes a new will and the second spouse walks off with the money intended for the kids. Even if the surviving spouse does not remarry, if he/she dies soon after a chunk of the money can end up with his/her biological family. I love H’s sisters dearly, but I do not think that they should get the money left by my family.</p>
<p>07dad you make an excellent point and it’s an issue that has come up in our family. My brother, God bless him, moved mom into HIS house when he got divorced and it made sense for her not to live alone. He owns and supports the household (she is very comfortable, but it is his house and he doesn’t accept money) and does things like grocery shop with her and so forth. My husband and I live locally and my husband does most of the errands and doctor’s appointments with mom, and often takes her out to lunch. I do the administrative stuff for both my mother and my brother because that’s what I’m good at, and my girls who both drive run errands and take mom places. The PreciousBabyKing plays music for her! But we all do a lot for her and she is very generous to my kids. She has two other kids, one of whom lives about a half hour away and one who lives across the country but passes her house on the way to his grandchildren at least once a month (they are RV people). We had a kerfluffle right after hurricane Sandy when my husband was working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for almost two months and my brother, daughter and I were commuting in the range of 5-6 hours a day. My mom needed help, as did we, with things like making doctor’s appointments and even a ride once or twice. The siblings never offered and brother showed up at her house for a visit. I feel strongly that after knowing how badly our community was affected by the storm, he should have contacted my brother or me to see if mom needed anything. He didn’t. I feel strongly that he should occasionally get in touch with us if he is going to be visiting to see if she has any appointments or anything. My brother and I both lost time from work last week because of appointments, one of which other brother was in the area for and didn’t let us know. The upshot is that my away brother’s oldest daughter, who also lives halfway across the country, has taken it on herself to make the appointments for mom and gatekeep a bit. The woman is a saint, I tell you, and no one should be surprised when mom passes that her china and crystal all have that niece’s name on them. I also understand that niece will receive a sum of money in the will, but her father, my sister and my sister’s kids won’t. Sucks for them. To add insult to injury, the niece is adopted, which matters greatly to my sister, but she is the most family of any relative and if I hit the lottery she would be first on my list.</p>
<p>07Dad, Apples and oranges. Doing more because you can and a sibling can’t is a far different thing than giving less when you are in a position to write your will any way you like.</p>
<p>As I said, I would not begrudge a parent for taking legitimate needs of a less successful sibling into account (or feel entitled to begin with), but unless the reasons were very compelling, would not likely write a will like that myself. </p>
<p>That’s not to say a will can never be unfair. I think what catie’s MIL did was not fair at all.</p>
<p>zoosermom, my only suggestion would be that you outright ASK the RVer to help out. Tell him that when he is in the area you would appreciate it if he would help out with your mother’s appointments and such, and that you seriously need the help. He may or may not do anything in response, but at least he will have been given the chance to behave well. It may literally not have occurred to him. (Yes, people can be that clueless.)</p>
<p>Of course, you may have already done this. And of course it is obvious to everyone else that help is needed, which is why your lovely niece has stepped up. But some people–especially some men–do not think of these things without prodding.</p>
<p>I agree re Catie’s situation. If I were the grandmother, I would have the sons split what would have been their father’s share.</p>
<p>I was trying to think of a way to make peace in OP’s family. The best I can come up with is this: money provided for education is different from other kinds of gifts. Indeed, the IRS doesn’t really consider it a gift at all (if it is paid directly to the educational institution). The brother just doesn’t have this special kind of expense.</p>
<p>Medical expenses might be another example of a special expense that wouldn’t really be a “gift” in the normal sense.</p>
<p>So grandpa could say, “I’m not intending to make unequal gifts at all–I’m paying for education, which I don’t consider to be a gift.”</p>
<p>Agree with Consolation. Those of us in the thick of it with our parents know the issues. Others may not. My brother had no clue how badly my dad was doing before he died nor does he appreciate that mom is now starting to have her own age related issues. Part of it was that my dad wanted to “enjoy” the little time he had with my infrequent visiting brother, not spend it discussing sad matters. Part of it was putting a good face on it, bordering on denial or a reluctance to show their struggles. Part of it was happy ignorance on my brother’s part (“no need to feel bad about my distance/uninvolvement - all is good”). Brother was shocked when I would give him an update on my dad from the doctor and is surprised when I inform him that I took time off to take mom to this doctor or that. I try to keep my brother informed without giving him a guilt trip. Because of his location and his wife with mental health issues, I don’t expect much help, but he should know the whole truth. Mom deserves some time and attention with/from him. I will clearly ask for this as time marches on.</p>
<p>Fall girl: if H does outlive his mother and then died, his family money would then be left to DIL to do with as She wished. It could still end up with a second spouse or given to The Great Spaghetti Monster charity or whatever. But if H died first, a DIL who had thought she was part of ‘his’ family for decades is cut out, not what H would have wanted.</p>
<p>07Dad,
Yes in theory, that is what should happen: siblings should take equal responsibility for caring for elderly mom. In reality, we know this probably happens infrequently, and not just due to siblings’ differing resources or mileage issues. It can result in the same feelings of anger/resentment as <em>unfair</em> parental gifts, depending on how unfairly burdensome a sibling may feel his care duties have become.</p>
<p>Consolation you’re absolutely right, but unfortunately in this situation, my SIL despises my mother to the death (my mother knows something about her that my mom could blackmail her with but never would – if she was going to it would have been years ago and even then, why?) and controls contact very tightly. Which is why my niece has stepped in. She knows we can’t get around her mother. My local brother and I haven’t seen RV brother in 3 1/2 years and on the rare occasion we have prior to that, my SIL scripts, directs and monopolizes. I don’t actually even have contact information for my brother, although I could get it from his daughter, I think. But ultimately it is his mother. He does see her, he can see how she is slipping and I think there is a responsibility to touch base with his siblings.</p>
<p>I have no intention of taking care of my parents in their old age. They did not take care of me when I was a child and I spent so much money in my 20s and 30s on them that they just used up all of my goodwill. They did a lot for my younger siblings, though, so I guess they can count on them.</p>
<p>I really don’t care what anyone else’s opinion is on this matter. Of course, the parents have figured out that I have lost interest, and now they are getting other people to come over to my house to say things like, “But they are your PARENTS.” Except they weren’t.</p>