<p>FallGirl, <em>if</em> I inherit anything from my mother, I am absolutely putting it in a separate account and not commingling funds. That is what my H did when he inherited money from his father. I was shocked and felt betrayed. What’s sauce for the goose …</p>
<p>A friend of mine had a father who retired at 55, able to do so largely because his wife, my friend’s mother, was always very frugal, and had seen to it that they had substantial savings. Her parents moved to FL. Not long thereafter her mother died. The father remarried quickly. His new wife wanted to live a more lavish lifestyle. They ran through the savings in a few years, and then she divorced him, leaving him in significantly straightened circumstances. :rolleyes: The only thing I can say is that, based on other things I know about him, he was a shallow, misogynistic jerk and deserved to be hoist by his own petard.</p>
<p>Or one could say that he reaped what he sowed. Like your parents, Poetgrl. :)</p>
<p>We’ve known a number of people who have had to deal with the aging parent care questions. In one family of 5 siblings one of the brothers and his wife moved in with his aging mother and took care of her and the home until she later passed away. He got the house, which of course was paid off. All the siblings had agreed that this was a fair plan. I have no idea whether there was other estate that had to be dealt with or not.</p>
<p>My focus is on whether the sibling who thinks the only thing that is “fair” is equal gifts and inheritance shares between siblings (with any gifts/bequeaths to grandkids being viewed as a stand-in for the sibling so $100 each to 2 grandkids belonging to 1 sib means $200 to the sole grandkid of another sib and $200 to the sib without kids) also believes that all sibs must do equal duty (time and expense) for their parents.</p>
<p>Or is it only about fairness in the “up-side?” What I get must be equal, what I give not so much.</p>
<p>This thread is one of the few that seems to address the issue of unfair, abusive (by actions, neglect or abandonment) or non-existant clueless parenting. It would be interesting if the sons and daughters of the CC parent-posters could put in their view of the parenting they have or are receiving.</p>
<p>I don’t want anything from my grandparents, though I visit my grandmother who no longer remembers me twice a week and bring her the cookies she DOES remember. She was the best person I ever knew.</p>
<p>If my parents leave everything to my siblings? I’m fine with that. I just want them to leave me alone, now.</p>
<p>I believe that all sibs must do equal duty for their parents, if they want to be fair to each other. As a practical matter, it won’t likely be equal in terms of time and expense, unless they all live close by and have the same resources, in which case, yes, it should be equal. If one sib has less money but more time, then the duty can be equalized by his giving more of his time. There are ways to help make the care giving fair when the sibs’ circumstances are different.</p>
<p>I have no issue with the elderly parent, if they can afford it comfortably, paying something toward what their kid is doing for them as they would a caregiver. </p>
<p>Some examples:</p>
<p>Daughter or grandchild takes Mom to a doctor appointment, Mom fills the tank with gas or buys lunch or buys coffee. Just making the effort can go a long way to alleviate any resentment.</p>
<p>Son or grandson takes 2 months off work to care for Dad post hospitalization because the prior care giver walked out and he is in no position to find a new one, Dad pays the son/grandsoc what he already had budgeted for the the caregiver. I saw this happen and every one felt it was fair, no other siblings want to stop life and take care of Dad, heck no one ever wanted to take care of that Dad, he was a pretty grumpy guy. </p>
<p>Kids cannot charge their parents for every visit, but from the extreme of being a full time caregiver for months to the kindness of buying lunch or a tank of gas on an outing, there can be some appreciation and recognition for the time away from other life responsibilities.</p>
<p>Sometime taking steps to not have toxic relatives (including toxic parents and/or toxic siblings) in your life is a mental health must.</p>
<p>My open question is to what extent do you avoid only the toxic ones? I have very little contact with my brother, but his son moved to my town and I invited him to parties and ultimately we have a relationship that also includes my son so that my nephew and my son get to know each other. Two of the most wounded adults I know as friends never had the strength to totally disassociate from an emotionally abusive parent (in both cases the mother).</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have an in-law whose parents (with the driving force being the mother) made his sister choose “sides” between having any connection with them or with my in-law (her brother). Interesting wrinkle is that the guy’s grandmother told her daughter (my in-law’s mother) to stuff it and had her own relationship with her grandson, his wife and the great grand kids. The grandparents were informed of the birth of their only grandchildren and asked to a few things but never responded or saw their grandkids.</p>
<p>When my in-law’s dad died, his mom (and sister) did not let him know and he found out 2 years after the fact when a probate lawyer contacted him. The father had left his son a couple of things in his will. The son disclaimed this inheritance.</p>
<p>07DAD, I agree that it is a must in some cases. Still sad. I knew 2 women older than me (one a nurse and coworker, the other a teacher and neighbor) . Both seemed very nice but both had an adult child who was totally estranged from them. Both claimed they were not exactly sure why the kid would not see them. It was curious and they were probably in some level of denial of their part in it and it was painful and embarrassing for them. The neighbor did not even tell me about this child until we had been neighbors for several years. One son still had contact with her, the other son refused any relationship at all. Consequently, only one son is helping her as she ages.</p>
<p>If my parents want to see me, they know where I am, sevmom.</p>
<p>Other than that, I have 3 sister in laws with whom I’m very close, and I’m very close with MIL and FIL, both think the world of me, a great husband, and I have terriffic friends and great kids. I"m very, very fortunate in this life. I have more than enough love in my life.</p>
<p>For things to be or even approach “fair,” all parties must WANT things to be fair. Yes, people who live further COULD give money if they can’t give time. As a practical matter, in many cases I’m familiar with, it is often one child (often the D) that takes on the lion’s share of the caregiving. The others may from time to time throw in some money or come by with some FUN TIME for the elder but rarely is the time or funding “equal.” Harboring ill feelings because of the unfairness and inequality is a poisonous trap.</p>
<p>I feel for all of you with family problems because in the past year my family has been torn apart through the actions and attitude of my sister, which came out of the blue. </p>
<p>My sister lived with my parents all through college and they had an ok relationship. As soon as she met her now husband she moved in with him about 20 miles from my parents and pretty much cut them off that day. She says our family are embarassing. We are not good enough for her. Even though she lives really close to my parents they have only seen her once in 2012. </p>
<p>She invited only me and my parents to her wedding but my parents (not helping matters because this cannot be undone) didn’t go because they were offended that the rest of the family were excluded. I went to the wedding, where I sat in the corner alone because I knew nobody. It was miserable. </p>
<p>My sister occasionally replies to texts. I feel if I stopped contacting her, it is unlikely I would ever hear from her again. If she has children I do not think she will allow them any contact with our side of the family. </p>
<p>The only previous inkling of this issue was my sister did not like me to meet her friends because I am too ‘uncool’, but I did think she would grow out of something so childish. My sister just has huge disdain for all her family and looks down on us from a great height.</p>
<p>I am sharing this story because sometimes as in my case, you cannot explain why people do things to hurt others. It is some reason in their mind.</p>
<p>I barely know my brother in law, but he seems ok. However, I worry that perhaps he is actually very controlling and that may have caused this?</p>
<p>Yes. Exactly. I have one child who has had greater medical bills than the other, but I’m not writing the other one a check to equal the difference. Health care gets taken out of the equation.</p>
<p>Bay, just out of curiosity. I have an S and an a D. I do try to be as reasonably even and fair as possible, but some expenses are just more for D. If I were to go clothes shopping for or with them, for example, D would cost more. Not because she’s spoiled or anything, but because she might want several pairs of shoes whereas S is fine with 2 pairs of sneakers, she might need / want accessories, makeup, etc. Should I seriously try to equalize those purchases when S couldn’t care less? It doesn’t make any sense to me.</p>
<p>PG, I would venture to guess that there is something else that your S cares about on which you might spend money for him.</p>
<p>The unfairness would come if you were willing to indulge your D in makeup and shoes, but not willing to spend a similar amount on running shoes or guitar strings or whatever floats your son’s boat. I can’t imagine you being that way.</p>
<p>Come on, you are taking this discussion to an extreme. It is not about buying your kids clothing, it is about large gifts of money.</p>
<p>If I must address it, then I will say that Consolation got it right. I buy things for my kids that I, after consulting with them, decide that they need and are reasonable. Things, including clothing, that I think are extravagant are left to be given as gifts. Some clothing items my Ds wanted I would not buy for them because I thought they were too extravagant for a child of their ages. So instead I gave them those as Christmas/birthday gifts, such as Juicy sweatsuits and Ugg boots, way back when they were the rage. I gave my S the gift he wanted of equivalent value at the time, which was probably Legos or a skateboard.</p>
<p>Last Christmas my Ds wanted specific watches. One cost $300 more than the other, so I wrote one D a check for $300 to go with her watch.</p>
<p>I don’t really have the clothing inequality issue among my kids, because my S likes nice clothing as much as my Ds.</p>
<p>“For things to be or even approach “fair,” all parties must WANT things to be fair. Yes, people who live further COULD give money if they can’t give time. As a practical matter, in many cases I’m familiar with, it is often one child (often the D) that takes on the lion’s share of the caregiving.”</p>
<p>This, HImom. Some grown children really have no interest in engaging in elder care – for a whole variety of reasons. As the one person in my family who is responsible for accompanying my father to all doctors’ appointments, shopping for clothes, sundries, and incontinence supplies, providing housekeeping, supervising his home repair/maintenance, arranging his travel, and often grocery shopping/cooking – well, I find that the responsibility is sometimes lonely. The truth is that caring for my father DOES take substantial amounts of time away from my ability to care for other family members and my own household, including impacting my career and my earning ability. It’s a sacrifice I would make no matter what my father’s financial circumstances were. He needs support – and I feel gratified in showing him that he is cherished and cared for.</p>
<p>I also strongly suspect that, were my brother to become ill in the future, he would ask for care from me. (He has said as much, his girlfriend notwithstanding.) And I would give it, even knowing that he would not reciprocate if the tables were turned.</p>