<p>You are a kind and generous daughter and sister. Please take time for and care of yourself too. Use respite care when possible to get a break and spend time with your spouse and kids too. Ha e your brother pitch in Nd cover specified days or bites or cost of respite. You do sometimes ha e to ask!</p>
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Seconding HImom, Sarabande. If caring for your father begins to have a negative effect on your time with your husband and children, or career and finances, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with engaging outside care. Since you’re already so deeply involved, you’re in an excellent position to help select and supervise in-home aides. You can still spend a great deal of time with your dad. But you’ll be able to do it as a daughter, not a caregiver (something a smart CCer said once - wish I could remember who).</p>
<p>That’s really what a senior’s savings should pay for, before bequests or gifts while the senior is living, imho. I work in senior care and know some seniors who stubbornly pinch every penny so they’ll have something to leave their loved ones, denying themselves comforts and even basics. I know family members who resent any money spent for the senior’s care because they want to maximize their inheritance. (That’s not you, Sarabande, of course!) </p>
<p>Getting older can be hugely expensive. It’s wonderful that your father can afford it. I hope you’ll let him pay for some of the care he needs. Some senior men, more than women, are reluctant to let strangers into the house and don’t want to appear dependent. The right caregiver is out there, and is a wonderful blessing.</p>
<p>I mentioned the equal treatment issue to a group of people my age (early 60s) and got an ear full. Apparently, this issue comes up a lot in regard to weddings, rehearsal dinners and wedding trips. One person reported a situation where the parents set a fixed dollar amount they were contributing to their first childs marriage plans. It paid for the sons rehearsal dinner for the large wedding party and a very nice 2 weeks out of the US high end wedding trip. </p>
<p>Their daughters wedding came along 2 years later and they told her that she had X (the amount for their son plus 2 years inflation) coming from them for her marriage plans. The daughter wanted a wedding on par with what her brothers wifes family had paid for and the money her parents had for her would allow that to happen. It caused a family rift because the daughter and her groom did not have the money to have a equal wedding trip and the daughter thought the parents should provide equal results.</p>
<p>Very nice post, frazzled. I agree that elderly parents who have the money should not be relying on their children to provide needed care. I went through this to some extent with my own father; he would call me first, prefer me to do things, because of course that was comfortable for him, but I told him I could not do it, I live 1 1/2 hours away, he needed to utilize the services of the care facility where he lived. It worked, and took a lot of the load off of me.</p>
<p>One thing about providing <em>equal</em> care to one’s elderly parent: A lot of the decisions on what needs to be done fall into a subjective category. Offspring have differing opinions about what <em>needs</em> to be undertaken by the children for the parent, and that causes discord about putting in “equal” effort. For example, my sister felt it was necessary for someone to go with my father to every single one of his doctor appointments (and of course he liked that idea, too). I did not see that as necessary; my father was capable of going by himself, with free door-to-door transportation available to him. As a result, she fell into the obligation “trap” of him expecting her to go, and then make all of his appointments, etc. One can see how she probably felt it was not fair to her, but she enabled this to happen, in my opinion.</p>
<p>OP’s brother may feel that OP does <em>too much</em> for her father, that he would never do all of that work because he does not think it is necessary for his father’s well being, and that his father can afford to hire someone to do it which makes more sense. That is a legitimate assessment; however, OP may interpret it as brother not pulling his weight.</p>
<p>I hope not to get a penny from either my parents (who are both 70 and in excellent health) or my IL’s (who are in their 80’s and in declining health / requiring care). I hope they live long lives, spend their money on enjoying their golden years, and die the week that they spend their last dime. They generously invested in my / husband’s education; now it’s our turn to make whatever money we want to support the lifestyle we want.</p>
<p>In our family, there are four kids. One supports mom and runs her household, another does all her administrative and errand-type stuff. Other two do nothing. I straight-up asked my sister to help with mom’s appointment making and other phone calls as mom is now severely visually-impaired. Sister said she would and never did, so niece 15 hours away does it. Mom does go to a senior citizen center three times a week. She loves it and it’s the best thing for her. I wonder if there are such facilities in other locations.</p>
<p>I agree with you PG. I don’t want anything except my mother’s companionship.</p>
<p>Except two sculptures that mom made. One of me.</p>
<p>I keep telling my mom to travel, go to nice restaurants, etc. while she is able. I don’t want a penny either. She wants to make an equal “partial grad school tuition help” type of gift to each of her four grandchildren (thankfully 2 from each “side” ;)) There should be enough for the gifts and her care even given pretty conservative assumptions, so I wish she were less frugal with herself. Looking ahead, I want to spend a lot of time with her, go to appointments, and provide companionship, but I don’t want to be her private nurse. Thankfully, she has saved so that plan is realistic.</p>
<p>My parents spent a bunch of money to arrange a trust for their funds, so my sister and I can receive more of our inheritance than we would otherwise, due to taxes. I TOLD them not to worry about it, but they were adamant. My dad is still a full-time prof and turns 76 in April. They still travel all over the world - they’re going to the Philippines and China right around his birthday (combination business/pleasure). They really aren’t frugal at all, but are in great shape financially. The transition to retirement may be hard for them, though! (If he ever retires…)</p>
<p>Well, frankly, I DO hope to inherit some $$ from my mother.</p>
<p>My H and I were thrown into an extremely negative financial situation just when one might hope to be maximizing one’s income and retirement savings (late 40s through mid 50s). In addition to that, I recently discovered that H’s term life insurance policy, purchased when we had VERY little income, expires in two months (it had a 10-year term), and he is unable to get another equivalent policy OR extend this one at reasonable cost because in the interim he had prostate cancer. So if he dies I get his salary in a lump sum. Period.</p>
<p>So basically, all that stands between me and poverty as a senior citizen is a potential inheritance.</p>
<p>Despite this, I constantly remind my very frugal mother that she CAN easily afford various things. I manage her financial affairs. H does her taxes for free. And so forth. We do everything to support her independent life in her own home.
I sure as hell am not going to apologize for the fact that I hope to inherit something.</p>
<p>We hope to be able to be in a position to leave substantial assets to our kids AFTER we enjoy a full and wonderful life. Will gift to them along the way as well. </p>
<p>Don’t think it’s wrong to hope for an inheritance, just iffy to plan on one, especially if your family has longevity like mine.</p>
<p>consolation, perhaps, since it is an actual poverty issue, you should get the life insurance, anyway, even if it is a bit expensive. I worry when I hear people I like say things like that.</p>
<p>Really, you should consider it.</p>
<p>poetgrl, I am overstating it to say “poverty.” When I think about it rationally, we do have 401K funds, to which we are now adding at as high a rate as we can, after having to start to draw on them early. We do have substantial equity in our house, and we have refinanced and are paying down the mortgage rapidly, after having to draw on the equity to stay afloat. So if H dropped dead in March, I would have to immediately sell my house in order to pay off the mortgage, and I would have to find a cheap place to live, but I would have some capital that would produce some income. Not a lot, but not poverty either, when combined with the pittance I make.</p>
<p>There is no question of extending his life insurance policy. The annual premium was enormous…something like $20K</p>
<p>Okay. thanks. I feel better. You are smart and have time. I’m not worried anymore.</p>
<p>THank you for your concern. :)</p>
<p>Consolation, feel free to PM me, but a couple of things to check:</p>
<p>A} Can you convert that policy? Meaning switch it to a lifetime plan at the better rate class he received initially?</p>
<p>B} How about a partial conversion at a premium you can afford.</p>
<p>C} Some lifetime policies have a minimum premium that might take him out 5-10 years or longer</p>
<p>D} Depending on the time elapsed since your DH completed treatment and the severity of his pathology report, he may qualify for standard rates or a slight table rating.</p>