<p>I’m in favor of grandparents giving money to whomever they like, and if they give to grandchildren – who are not, BTW, extensions of their parents, but are separate people – then so be it. </p>
<p>The idea that grandchildren shouldn’t get presents (and that’s what this money is, a present) from a grandparent because their parents are alive… well, I cannot even wrap my head around that. </p>
<p>Ditto “success.” The daughter who is a teacher who marries a teacher and raises three kids, is frugal and responsible with the household budget, is “less successful” financially than her sibling, who is single, childless, and makes buckets of money on Wall Street through legal but possibly economy-damaging means. So the grandkids shouldn’t get any monetary presents from the grandparents and the financier should get more money than the teacher, according to you, and any other way is unfair. Do I have that right?</p>
<p>Owlice,
In your example, yes, I absolutely believe both siblings should receive the same distribution. You think it okay for a parent to judge one child’s legitimate life decisions as more worthy than the other. I think that is horrible parenting.</p>
<p>Judges can decide whether grandpas gift was made in accordance with applicable law; not whether it was fair to the parties. If grandpa died intestate, his money would be divided equally, according to law. Because that is what the legislators decided was fair.</p>
<p>Not always. Sometimes it’s necessary if one or more siblings happen to be financially irresponsible due to drug/alcohol/gambling addictions or due to wildly misprioritizing their finances to reduce or even cut them out of an inheritance altogether. </p>
<p>Not only to register strong disapproval, but also to not further enable them in their self-destructive and irresponsible conduct.</p>
<p>I’m anticipating problems in this area as grandparents had “promised” to contribute to college educations for their 4 grandchildren but have recently changed the terms.</p>
<p>My oldest son received $20k per year for four years, graduated and is off on his own. My younger son received $20k per year for his first two years. This past August, with my son entering his junior year and my sister’s oldest entering as a freshman, suddenly my father decided that they could not afford to contribute to anyone’s college education going forward. Now, this was after 20+ years of assuring us that they would contribute to all 4 grandkids education. My father recently retired (at age 79), had apparently made some really bad decisions in the stock market and a new financial planner said that they could no longer afford the contributions. WOW. What a shock. For us, we would not have allowed our son to attend the school he chose because we could not afford it without the $20k. We had to completely rearrange our own retirement and savings planning.</p>
<p>But my sister was now faced with no contribution to her 2 kids’ education after I had already received $120k towards mine. Eventually, my parents committed to $10k per year for her kids (luckily they are attending state schools and $10k works for them). She seems more ****ed at my parents than at me, but we aren’t particularly close and I expect it to come up in the future – perhaps even when we get to the inheritances, if there are any. My mom has stated that they never promised to be equal but that they do attempt to be fair.</p>
<p>In the end, while I was stunned that the college contribution disappeared, it is hard to be angry given that my kids did received $120k.</p>
<p>Most people whose conduct is self-destructive as I’ve described above have persuaded themselves and those who don’t know their true natures that their life decisions are “legitimate”…even when they are objectively not.</p>
<p>As I’ve told my kids often, my JOB is to get them to age 18. After that, I am not OBLIGATED to do anything. If I do, it’s out of the goodness of my heart. And I fully expect to give them a good bit. But they sure know not to expect it!</p>
<p>I did not read every post, but WHY was brother dearest told? Grandpa can do what he wants with his money. I would keep mum on future gifts if you are lucky enough to get them.</p>
<p>I also don’t understand why people think keeping secrets about money transfers between parents and children is so desirable. There may be worse consequences when siblings find out. It makes sense to me to share and explain the rationale to all siblings. If you are unable to explain it rationally, then it probably isn’t rational.</p>
<p>As this thread shows, “evenly” is in the eye of the beholder!</p>
<p>As life goes on, I think every family finds places where parents were not “fair” between siblings. For example, my oldest brother got to go to an expensive OOS public university (expensive relative to in-state options). My second oldest brother got to apply to Stanford. Didn’t get in, went in state, but my parents encouraged him to do so. As the youngest (and only girl), I was given one in-state option, no OOS or private college options. Obviously because I was “just a girl”. Never mind that I had the highest SAT scores of all of us…</p>
<p>When my brother died, I discovered that my parents had been lending him money at favorable rates over the years for his real estate business. He had paid some back, and some payment came from his estate. Turns out they had also loaned to my other brother (I asked him). They had made no offers to loan to me over the years (and I bet I have the highest credit score of all, too). I did ask them after this all came out, and currently have a small second mortgage on my house with them (our 2nd use to be with my in-laws, but when I got divorced it seemed prudent to refi somewhere!). But this does seem like a type of favoritism to me.</p>
<p>But… I do not let this sour my relationship with my parents. Goodness knows we have plenty of other things to disagree on (just start with politics, religion, and where the kids should go to college!). I think people find what they are looking for. If they want to fight and damage a relationship, they will find a way to do so. The OP’s brother sounds like one of those people.</p>
<p>archiemom- in your case I hope everyone involved is supportive of the grandparents. They were generous and expected to continue to be generous but had a financial set back.</p>
<p>archiemom,
We know people who have lost fortunes in the downturn. It’s always a shock to those who counted on the stocks being fairly stable.
</p>
<p>Your sis should be grateful her kids are getting anything from her folks. I realize that your son got more, but your younger ones won’t. You and sis should be sympathizing with your folks, not getting angry at them. They certainly didn’t want to lose their money, and no one feels worse about it than they do.<br>
Life happens, and people do the best they can under the circumstances. Your parent’s meant well. Their mistake was probably to make a promise they weren’t sure they could keep. Your mistake was “counting your chickens” so to speak. </p>
<p>Everyone in a position to inherit anything from their parents should be counting your blessings. Many people go into debt taking care of parents that don’t have the means to take care of themselves. You are all very fortunate.</p>
<p>“I also don’t understand why people think keeping secrets about money transfers between parents and children is so desirable.”</p>
<p>Because it’s nobody else’s business. I’m not entitled to know whether my mother gave a sibling money while she was alive; that was her and my sibling’s business, not mine. So long as she had her full faculties, what she did with her own money was up to her, her business, whether she spent it on a trip to the Amazon or paid off a relative’s gambling debts. If she wanted to give money to one of my siblings, why should I care? What business is it of mine? Exactly none.</p>
<p>"As I’ve told my kids often, my JOB is to get them to age 18. After that, I am not OBLIGATED to do anything. If I do, it’s out of the goodness of my heart. And I fully expect to give them a good bit. But they sure know not to expect it! "</p>
But do we owe our children rational explanations of what we do with our own money? That’s really more what I’m struggling to understand here - the brother’s expectation that he should receive something, too, and that it should be in line with what his sister/her children have received. This is money the grandfather has gifted while he’s alive. How accountable should a man in presumably sound mind be to his adult children about his own money? Of course it’s a different story if an elder has dementia or is being taken advantage of, but this doesn’t seem to be the situation, based on what the OP tells us. </p>
<p>I suppose that, if one of my children came to me and said “you hurt me by giving my sister more,” I’d have to look at the situation. It’s not my intention to hurt any of my kids, and although I don’t think they equate money with love, I wouldn’t want them to feel less loved. But I confess that I’d be disappointed if one of my kids just wanted the money.</p>
<p>We don’t owe our children an explanation, but we do owe our children love in equal amounts. Whether some like it or not, it is an inextricable fact of life that a measure of a parent’s (equal) love is tied up in the gifts they give. Some of you are fortunate to have evolved above this thinking, but it is not unreasonable (to me) to assume that everyone else, including our children may not have. I don’t see the point of risking my relationships with my children over money. Others obviously feel differently.</p>
<p>Goodness, I don’t want to risk my relationships with my children over anything, including this.</p>
<p>I think I might be risking my relationship with my parents and in-laws if I were to start asking questions and having opinions about how they’re spending their money, though.</p>