<p>Good, I’m glad Sara. Because I’ve been sick with a fever all day and thinking this hard has been exhausting. :)</p>
<p>Thanks for your thoughts, moonchild. I will take those good wishes forward with me.</p>
<p>Good heavens, Bay, thanks for weighing in despite your illness! Feel better!</p>
<p>Thank you and good luck to you.</p>
<p>“It was your choice to have children” - Yes, and it was a decision that probably brought the grandfather a lot of joy. It’s his money - he should share it as he pleases. Sharing the info was the mistake.</p>
<p>Maybe Bay & Sara should go for counseling together. 
When Bay is feeling better, of course. Hope it is not influenza… :(</p>
<p>You’ve raised excellent points Bay and I hope you feel better.</p>
<p>Seems this thread may be winding down, but I thought I’d add another 2 cents…</p>
<p>We need to balance the right of a parent to do whatever he wants with his money and the importance of treating one’s children fairly and sensitively. Of course I’m not entitled to my parents money, but if their will (which I’ve seen, although I pray that it will be many, many years before it becomes relevant) left more money to my brother, I’d be terribly hurt and upset because, given that there is no obvious financial reason for a preference, it would seem to imply something about their relative affection for the two of us. Since both of us are very close to our parents, this would hurt immensely. </p>
<p>On the other hand, it is silly to make a hard and fast rule that parents should always divide their money equally in the interest of peace. Reasonable people - including parents and children - may disagree about what constitutes a good reason for a disparity, but as long as that reason is well-intentioned and more or less rational (and the disparity doesn’t constitute totally disinheriting one child), I think it is the child’s problem if he chooses to hold a grudge. So, while I wouldn’t judge someone for being upset if Dad left most of the money to the drug addicted, ne’er do well brother at the expense of a responsible sister with a family, mortgage, and college bills, in this case, I think the brother is totally out of line. Even if he actually believes that the money should be evenly distributed, it would take someone extremely suspicious and mean-spirited to hold on to serious resentment toward his father or sister over the situation.</p>
<p>Sarabande–I understand what you were struggling with, the relationship that you have with your brother and his willingness to let HIS issue about money interfere. While I agree, he, like all of us, is entitled to his feelings, from your description, he doesn’t value relationships as much as he values money. This seems to be the tipping point to me. At first I wondered if he was sad/envious of you having a loving marriage and children, but your later description seemed to preclude this. You seem like a kind sister who cares more than he does/is capable of. I have a brother like this and have learned to accept his limitations, albeit we do not have this financial issue exacerbating things.</p>
<p>moonchild–really like your post about why we leave things to our family members…touching, and your hopeful post about the counseling being helpful…</p>
<p>as others have pointed out, please remember there are many grandparents who have nothing to leave and so this particular issue does not exist in the same way. My kids have no grandparent who will leave them a penny. This is okay as it is part of the fabric of our lives, to know one must do it all on our own. and it is truly okay, but it would be nice…</p>
<p>I do think that often in a family of normal successful kids there is also one who just never quite creates a life, one who is dependent on the kindness of others. It is easy for some parents to be be caught in the pity party and support that kid. A friend’s husband has a sister for who the parents bought a house, then remodeled it for her. Probably spent $150k+ on it and never gave a dime to the other four. All working, all independent, but blue collar jobs, no one is wealthy. Somehow the topic was raised and the parents gave the other four about $25k each.</p>
<p>Another family with one unsuccessful adult kid chooses to give everyone the same amount, but they gave the troubled kid $10k for a car and gave another kid a hand me down car, then for kid number three they attirbuted a value to a hand me down car they had given 5-7 years previously and which had already been passed on to the child of the nonfunctional kid. So, they tried to come up with “fair” but it did not feel fair. The kids just laughed about it.</p>
<p>Why do so many ‘normal’ families end up with one nonfunctional kid?</p>
<p>I have also seen a client who added up all the money (say $100k) given to a younger kid and when the prodigal kid returned after 15+ years on the outs, fully disinherited, Dad changed the will to give the prodigal that $100k off the top, then divide it 50-50. The much younger child had to adapt to the disinherited kid no longer being bad, after hearing that all their life, and also to see that kid then get more money in the will for something that was an unexpected adjustment. That kid did adjust after some initial confusion.</p>
<p>How about mom giving her bio daughter her personal effects, as they should stay in the family, rather than be shared with the step daughter, but dividing up Dad’s items which were family, rather than having solely Dad’s bio-kid receive them. That seems inconsistent.</p>
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And how like the parable of the prodigal son! The younger kid needed only a bible to come to grips with the situation perhaps ;).</p>
<p>*Why do so many ‘normal’ families end up with one nonfunctional kid? *</p>
<p>Have also noticed this a lot. My sense is that enabling goes on. Deep down one or both parents needs to feel needed and so promotes the dysfunction by funding the dysfunction. </p>
<p>In general, I find the fixation on inheritance unsavory. The people I’ve known who are most fixated on what their parents will leave them have tended to not focus enough on what they are doing in their own lives to earn money and prosper. And the parents who are super consumed with how to leave what they have to their offspring often enjoy all the drama and attention with their kids and grandkids wondering and vying and waiting to know how it will all play out.</p>
<p>I like how my parents have approached it. Very simple. No significant funds given out over their lifetime. Period. Even distribution upon their death. POA with eldest kid. Executor eldest kid. And in our case maybe that isn’t the most responsible or steady of us but the trust is good for him and he will do it fine and it is appropriate.</p>
<p>My in-laws did it all wrong, imo. All kinds of funds siphoned off over the years to the “dysfunctional” kid who never really got her act together. All kinds of drama and endless talk over how to take care of the dysfunctional kid. After awhile my DH and I just realized the sums in question really didn’t matter that much to us and it wasn’t worth getting into the fray and trying to make a case that we or our kids should get a “share.” Better to just focus on our own careers, our own investments and planning then to fixate on their “estate”.</p>
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<p>This is exactly what my parents did, as well (but sibling with JD named as executor), and it is what we have also arranged via our estate documents. We have gone a step further, by already telling our 3 children that what remains of our estate will be divided equally among them upon our deaths. We didn’t see any point in leaving them to wonder (if they ever would have) for 30 years.</p>
<p>I also find it unsavory to focus on what one is going to get after a parent dies. Yuck.</p>
<p>never realized how much people would think about such things…</p>
<p>those of you who say you are leaving your kids equal amounts in your will, (which is what I am doing as well with my three children) you don’t mention how you would or wouldn’t factor in future grandchildren, which is the sticky issue in the OPs original question. </p>
<p>also find it odd to talk about siphoning off funds from parents, to a dysfunctional child. I get that it is frustrating for a parent to give more to a kid in need, especially when that kid is an adult who has made really poor judgments about his/her own life. but to see it as siphoning off of funds?</p>
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<p>We don’t intend to factor them in at all. I am opposed to children and young adults receiving any large monetary gifts from anyone (including me), for reasons that seem obvious to me.</p>
<p>If my children end up needing to borrow money from us to finance their childrens’ educations, I would consider that, but I have no intention of giving them the money. And if I did extend the loan, I’d offer it to all of my children on the same terms.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t it be nice if you could give each child x amount of dollars, send them out into the world and be done? All the kids would make good choices, never need anything after that, and certainly never be jealous of their siblings. Life is rarely that simple. For those of you for whom it is that simple, lucky you!</p>
<p>My parents also seemed to think that their estate should be split evenly between their children, without regard to the number of grandchildren either of us produced or the amount of money each of us has in combination with our spouses. </p>
<p>I do know that their will was different when I was still in HS and college and my sibling was married, especially since her SO had substantial inherited wealth so she was not in need. They felt that they had to make provision for me, since I was still a kid. (Although that provision did not necessarily mean I would have been getting a larger share of the assets, just specific assets, so that I would have a home.) Later, they changed it to the 50/50 thing. </p>
<p>Seems reasonable to me.</p>
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<p>This; my brother feels terrible about the will! Awful. He resents our mother all the more because of it. Neither of us had a great relationship with her, and after my son was born, I saw very little of her. She was… not very nice, let’s say, to some people. (Others, she seemed nice to, but it was only because they hadn’t crossed her yet.) When the court sought a guardian for her, I became her guardian because my brother had had enough and refused (and I don’t blame him for that, at all!) and she was, after all, my mother. I saw her more in the last two years of her life than I had in the previous two decades.</p>
<p>The executor of her estate (her attorney) suggested I contest the will. I would never dream of doing such a thing to my brother! It’s only money, after all.</p>
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I would definitely figure grandchildren into my will, as I would hope to have a relationship with them. They are separate people from their parents, after all. Funds would be held in trust until they reach a certain age. (Not that I’ll have much to pass along, however!)</p>
<p>As I have just the one kid and he’s only 19, I hope it will be a while before grandkids enter the picture!</p>
<p>Someone upstream mentioned a 50/50 split among the generations, with 50% of the estate split between the children of the deceased, and the other half split between the grandchildren of the deceased. This strikes me as a good solution.</p>