deleted for privacy reasons
<p>Before I say anything: Your ds hasn’t told you he’s engaged? Is that right?</p>
deleted for privacy reasons
<p>I have always been very upfront about my feelings towards my d’s boyfriends. This has caused rifts between us, but I think marriage is too important “to let kids make their own mistake,” as some of my friends have suggested.</p>
<p>For the last 3 of my d’s boyfriends, I could tell they were not suitable the first 10 minutes after meeting them, but it took my d 1-3 years to discover that. At least, she never married them.</p>
<p>I feel you should be able to at least tell your son your concerns without being too judgmental.</p>
deleted for privacy reasons
<p>What ages are these young people? </p>
<p>I do not think parents are obligated to pay for a big wedding. We are some years away from this; however, I think that if you decide you want to contribute, you should contribute a set amount. It sounds as though the future DIL’s family will not be contributing, but she will be happy to spend your money. </p>
<p>It’s a tough situation, but my guess is it’s about 50/50 on liking/disliking the in-laws. I wish you the best.</p>
<p>On the pre-cana classes…My future hubby went with me even though he had no intention at the time of becoming Catholic. They were run through the college’s Newman Center and were pretty casual; a huge black dog curled up in the center of the room and licked itself for what seemed like forever. Pre-cana might be a good suggestion. For us, it brought up things we had never talked about–and we agreed. It was nice.</p>
<p>There are secular pre-marriage counselors out there I am sure. If they refuse to do pre-marriage counseling, perhaps you can persuade your son to do a few family counseling sessions with you and H with a focus on your relationship with him, and not mentioning the GF. If he agrees, it’s important for you to find a therapist who shares your values. You may have to interview a few ones yourself before the actual family session.</p>
deleted for privacy reasons
deleted for privacy reasons
<p>In our pre-Cana classes, they specifically talked about money and how people look at it differently. They definitely got you to look at values and to me that sounds like where you have some issues with this young woman. I also think it is difficult when one part of the couple isn’t working. Perhaps there is a good reason, but I have always liked to work and at least contribute something.</p>
<p>Don’t call it counseling.</p>
<p>Does your son know how you feel?</p>
<p>I know quite a few people who married someone over and above their parents strenuous objections. I think that for some people all the fuss may have made them MORE determined to marry, and did sour the relationship. On the other hand, I do not think that you are required to pay for anything, let alone a honeymoon of extravagant proportions, if it will require that you make a financial sacrifice yourself. I would be leery of someone that you think is marrying your son for your money (not even for his money.) I also want you to know that I think this for all young married couples - if you can’t afford it, don’t do it. The entitlement attitude of some people (especially those with no visible means of support) really irks me.</p>
<p>Years ago, my sister was engaged to someone that was totally inappropriate. She was putting down deposits on a hall, a Hawaiian trip, etc etc, but had not received a ring. Ok, I don’t think a ring is a be all and end all. My own mother never got an engagement ring, if the truth be told. However, I did think that the guy was not into marrying her, and that she was making a big mistake spending a lot of her hard earned money on a wedding hall, etc. I said that she should make a small wedding, and save everyone the expense of buying expensive clothing, travel etc. I said that I would be able to give her a better gift if I did not have to spend a lot on the bridesmaid dress etc. I tried to tell her that getting married meant planning for the future, getting a place to live etc. Even though she never forgave me for what I said to her, I was glad that I said it. I never said a word about the guy being less than great. In the end, when she told him that she wanted a ring, it was all over without the wedding. In my opinion, crisis averted. I would rather have her mad than married to a jerk. </p>
<p>If you think the girl has some major character defect that will negatively impact your son, then if it was my son, I probably would be more direct than I was with my sister. I would calmly say that whatever it was that was troubling was on my mind and that I was worried about it because of thus and such, and at least make sure that your son knows what you are thinking. If you don’t want to pay for an elaborate wedding, tell him that you won’t. I would be pretty hurt that he did not tell me that he got engaged. </p>
<p>I have a step child, and we were never told of the engagement, and we were not even invited to the wedding. A very elaborate wedding took place which was paid for by the child’s mom, as I understand it. I later came to see that it was much more important to the happy couple to have a big wedding without us (due to the mother’s desires, for the most part), than to have a relationship with us. Although some sort of relationship resumed after the wedding, the hurt feelings of being left out of this were hard to overcome. Personally, if they had come to us and said that they were sorry that they wanted the wedding more than they wanted us there before they got married, I would have been able to swallow it better than what they did. FWIW</p>
<p>When I got married, we paid for it all ourselves.</p>
<p>I haven’t been in your position. I love both of my sons-in-law and think that they are both pretty near to perfect for my Ds. I guess my first question to you would be why you haven’t discussed your feelings about this girl with your son before now. How long have they been together? If you didn’t like her, why would you have faked affection for her? That just seems very cruel, both to her and to your son. If you didn’t have the courage to express your feelings prior, then why in the world wouldn’t you have said something when he told you he was going to propose? To wait until you find out her response, and then expect to express your true feelings without getting a negative reaction, is just about the worst possible situation I can think of for a new couple who will undoubtedly be excited at the beginning of their official pairing in life together.</p>
<p>As for the amount paid towards the wedding, although no parent is obligated to pay for a child’s wedding, I don’t know many who don’t want to contribute to their child’s special day. If your desire as to how much you want to contribute is tied to how much you like your future daughter-in-law, that sounds like yet another recipe for disaster in any discussion with your son. If you had previously made a decision as to how much you’d contribute towards a wedding, then I would honor that plan. If your financial situation has changed since then, adjust accordingly.</p>
<p>The reality is that with a son who is in his mid-20s and working full time, the decision as to whom to marry is his, not yours. Unless the future spouse is a criminal or a drunk or violent, or someone who has a similar issue, I think it’s a mistake for any input of your true feelings at this point. You will likely affect the relationship you have with your son and you can bet that his fiancee will hear about it, and that will make things very difficult for all of you going forward.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to be more upfront about your finances so they don’t think you are withholding money just because you don’t like the gf. If they are mature enough to marry, they ought to be mature enough to understand that financial situations have changed for almost everyone in this economy. </p>
<p>I don’t think I would say anything about the girl if he’s already proposed to her, but there’s no reason for them to expect you to pay for some uber-expensive honeymoon.</p>
deleted for privacy reasons
<p>I am the disliked future daughter in law. I am not really sure why FMIL hates me so much but she really does and has from the start. The whole thing is REALLY, REALLY sad. Whether it’s your intention or not, when you express problems about your S’s chosen partner, you are going to make him feel torn between you and her. And what a horrible position to be in that is! The fact that his parents are so unaccepting of me is really ruining this experience for him because being torn is so awful, and like her or not this may be the only time in your S’s life he gets to experience getting engaged and getting married (hopefully?)-- do you really want him to look back on that time with anything but fondness and for you to be responsible for it? </p>
<p>I don’t think you’re obligated to make a wedding contribution, however I would think twice about making that determination based on how much you like who he’s marrying. That just doesn’t sit right with me. (In my own situation, we are not expecting any parental contributions at all, for the record.) The fact that finances have changed is a fact of life and should not need to have anything to do with this.</p>
<p>If push comes to shove and his parents cannot show respect for me, he intends to cut them out. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, but the ball is in FMIL’s court. I am encouraging him to do all he can to help make them okay with this but they are really just not open to accepting the idea that I might be an okay person, he is ready to give up. Tread carefully.</p>
<p>OK, maybe I’m all alone here, but doesn’t anyone think it’s weird he hasn’t told his parents about his engagement and his mom found out via friends who saw it on Facebook? I see bigger problems than how much to pay for a wedding to a girl mom doesn’t like.</p>
<p>Not sure why you’re being passive – passive-agressive – about the whole engagement announcement. If it were me, I’d call him, let him know I know, wish him well and then see if he brings up money. If he does I’d give them a set amount and let them use it as they want.</p>
<p>ETA: I was the disliked future DIL, disliked by my racist FIL. He got over it.</p>
<p>Given that you’ve never been open with your son about this, I echo other posters’ concern about doing so now. On the one hand, I would very much want my parents to warn me if they believed someone was taking advantage of me. On the other hand, if they believed that for years and only told me after we got engaged, I would think that was completely unreasonable and strange.</p>
<p>I’ve been in this situation before with a family member’s relationship. But I expressed concerns about that relationship the very first night it was introduced to me. A lot of time has passed, and I’m glad that I spoke up early, even though it had no effect. I just sleep better at night knowing that I did what I could to warn my family member.</p>
<p>The best syllabus for a marriage prep course I’ve ever seen was one given several years ago by the 92nd Street (Jewish) Y in Manhattan. I just googled and there are TONS of courses. I don’t know how good they are, but something is probably better than nothing. </p>
<p>A lot of this is about your child. I like my kid’s spouse, but I know that even if I didn’t, my kid would have chosen the spouse over me. Frankly, I think that’s the way it should be. However, the big thing was that I know that my kid went into the marriage with eyes wide open. The relationship had lasted a long time. My kid had never fallen so quickly for someone so hard. They were old enough to get married. </p>
<p>Someone close to my kid has already separated from his spouse. They split over the issue of having/not having kids. I would think that’s an issue that should be discussed before a wedding, but apparently it wasn’t. Her parents were very much in favor of the match, but apparently never asked if that question had been discussed. </p>
<p>My advice is two-fold. First, do not raise the issue of paying for anything. Let your S or his fiancee do so. When they do, say no or say that you will give some smallish sum you feel comfortable with. Don’t say it’s because you don’t approve. Just say that you don’t see that as your responsibility. You might also tell your S that you think he needs to have some savings before he gets married and that he and his wife to be must live within their means. I just would be very careful not to link the subject of money for the wedding with your feelings about her. </p>
<p>Second, ask your S what he and his fiancee have decided about certain things. You can even make it clear that what those decisions are isn’t your biz. You just want to make sure you are on the same page as to whether they are going to have children and, if so, when; will they raise their children in a religious faith and if so, which;what they will do if she igets pregnant and there is something wrong with the child and/or the pregnancy happens much earlier than they planned–is abortion an option or not; how they will handle finances–are they going to pool all their assets or maintain separate accounts? Who will pay the bills? How will they share household expenses? How much will they budget for rent, clothing, entertainment, savings, etc. Do they want to save to buy a home? Will they have one car or two or none? And if your S may inherit a substantial sum of $, ask whether they’ve discussed whether or not they will have a pre-nup and, if so, what it will say. </p>
<p>Then, if necessary, re-write your will to provide that if you die, your son’s share of your estate will be paid out over time. If you’re really that worried about the marriage, make sure that at least some portion of the $ is in a trust and that he won’t be paid all of it until he is at least 35 or 40. I know I’m being negative, but at least do what you can to make sure that if you die and the marriage doesn’t work, your money will go to your S, not her in a divorce. You don’t have to tell your S you’ve done this and if you live and it looks like the marriage is working despite your misgivings, you can always rewrite the will.</p>
deleted for privacy reasons