<p>Meant to add that my SIL, who I love, and her dh did not like the man their youngest was marrying. After the couple were engaged, they took the dd aside and had a come-to-Jesus meeting where they laid out their problems with the guy. Then they offered to pay for the wedding only if the couple went to premarital counseling. They did, got married and are still married three years later, with a child. Things have smoothed out quite a bit, but I always have wondered what the dd is thinking, how much she told her dh, etc. I understood their concern, and he wouldn’t have been my first pick for my niece either, but, wow, that was a big risk they took in running down the future son-in-law.</p>
<p>Once I was engaged, I was mentally and emotionally committed to my fiance. If my parents had chosen that time to tell me that they didn’t like him and never had, the only relationship which would have been adversely affected would have been my relationship with my parents. It would NOT have caused me to re-evaluate my fiance.</p>
<p>I agree with Emaheevul07-tread carefully. </p>
<p>The son is an adult. At this point, he has committed to this young woman. I would try to see the good in her, be supportive of your son’s choices, and make an effort to develop a good relationship with them as a couple. Someday you might have grandchildren and you do not want to create an environment which might cause your son and the mother of his children to cut you out of their lives.</p>
<p>I see no reason to feel obligated to finance a big wedding and honeymoon. However, I do agree with others that your financial contribution should not be a reflection of your dislike for the fiance, but truly the result of a change in your financial situation. Be frank about your inability to give monetary gifts in the future. If the young woman is in fact counting on you to bankroll her life with your son, she may decide on her own to call off the engagement. But that would be her choice, not the result of you giving unsolicited opinions on the suitability of his new bride.</p>
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<p>I’m stuck at the part where your son hasn’t told you he’s engaged. Which means he has not asked you for any money or for your opinion.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say a thing. You have a great opportunity to tell him you’re retrenching financially and you’re terribly glad he’s responsible for himself. </p>
<p>Your son is living 15 hours away (I assume that’s driving time and not flying time). You’re not going to see much of this girl, and your role in the wedding will probably be limited to showing up. If they make it to the wedding, that is, given that your son is clearly somewhat ambivalent (because if he was thrilled, he would have told you, right?) (and because they’ve broken up once already).</p>
<p>My inclination would be to just let it ride for a while and see how it plays out.</p>
<p>Tread carefully and make sure you don’t put so much information on CC that S can link you to this screen name. It will be a hellish day if S and future D-I-L find that you posted this.</p>
<p>With kids in the early/mid-20s, they are old enough to make their own mistakes. And maybe marrying this girl will be one of those mistakes. But that’s life. I know it must rankle to spend money on a wedding to a girl you don’t approve of, but offer a modest but not-too-modest sum and explain that’s all you can afford.</p>
<p>Does your son have a history of coming to you for financial help now that he is an adult? If so, this may be a good time to let him know that when he’s married, he should be self supporting. I don’t know why he would expect you to finance a lavish honeymoon. They should take whatever honeymoon they can afford on his salary since it sound like she’s not working. If your finances have changed due to the recession, let him know this if he asks for money to pay for the wedding/honeymoon. If you can give anything for the wedding, be honest with him about what you can give and then stick to that amount. He can then decide how he wants to spend it.</p>
<p>I used to joke that the only way I’d know if my son got engaged would be if he remembered to invite me to the wedding, so I don’t see that part as unusual. I’m pretty close to my son but he’s the noncommunicative type when it comes to his personal life – he never introduced me to anyone that he was dating. </p>
<p>My son is now married and a father and there is only ONE way to deal with this. As a parent, you need to accept the DIL as a family member and treat her as one, with all that it entails. That’s what marriage is all about – your son is an adult, he’s self-supporting, so it is his decision to make. </p>
<p>I had my own set of reservations about my DIL. I had very little opportunity to get to know her before the wedding, as my son lives in a different city. In my son’s case, there is a substantial age difference, and different religion, race & cultural heritage - so plenty to fret over and the whole series of meet-the-family events were fraught with anxiety. Plus the wedding came a lot sooner and more rushed than planned. (Son got married in February; grandson was born in April – you do the math). </p>
<p>But again: there is NO CHOICE. This is America. Young adults get to choose their own spouses, with or without their parents’ input or approval. The last thing you want to be is causative factor in a failed marriage – so you just have to let your son know that you love and respect him, that he can count on you for emotional support, and that you will welcome the DIL into your life and family with open arms.</p>
<p>Financial support is a different issue. Adults should be responsible for their own affairs, and that means planning for their wedding and honeymoon and related expenses. I do think that a parental wedding gift is appropriate, including reasonable contributions or hosting of wedding-related events as fitting the parents’ economic status and budgets – and that such gifts should be given without passing judgment on the bride. But the more important thing is that relationship that you are going to have going forward. If you want that to be positive – then you have to start now.</p>
<p>Is the groom’s family even expected to pay for anything other than rehearsal dinner?
I wouldn’t promise them anything. See if S asks for $. I think it is tacky if he does so. Let them have the modest wedding they can afford. I would feel uncomfortable if I thought a girl wanted to marry my son for his/his parents money. (No danger of that here 
)
Don’t fake happiness. Just be polite.</p>
<p>I agree that this is your son’s choice. You’ve got to respect that and respect her role in your son’s life and your family. You should expect the same in return. That said, if you have never specifically told your son a dollar amount, why even address it in a negative way? How about “Congratulations son, we are excited to see our wonderful son get married and begin his own family! It would be our honor and privilege to give a beautiful rehearsal dinner for you at _______!” Then be gracious, smile and nod often, give that beautiful rehearsal dinner with your FDIL’s input and give whatever gift you can comfortably afford with the joy in your heart of seeing your son reach this milestone.</p>
<p>I was the hated DIL and it was cold comfort that the last time I saw my MIL before she died of cancer she apologized for never giving me a chance. There may be something (a lot) that you don’t know about their personal relationship but which is valuable and precious.</p>
<p>So my suggestion is to not focus on what you aren’t giving them, but to focus on the gift that you will be giving. And good luck!</p>
<p>I have never seen parents who confronted a child about a future spouse and won.</p>
<p>I’ve seen those who were right that it would quickly fall apart, but parents ‘talking sense’ into an adult child on this topic will almost always lead to trouble.</p>
<p>You don’t owe a kid a wedding or honeymoon. The expectation you have set up is another thing. Sounds like DS will know you disappove if you hold back on these things. If you feel strongly here, that’s what you should do understanding what message it will send and being aware of the consequences.</p>
<p>If you’re correct that the young woman will hit the road if your money is not involved, she will.</p>
<p>My ex husband and I are quite comfortable and could put on weddings and give down payments, but we have always told our kids they would be on their own after their educations to avoid any expectations on their and future spouses’ parts.</p>
<p>And Atomom, what what I’m seeing these days the groom’s family pays half the bill if they can.</p>
<p>Your son knows you have reservations about the GF. You said you told him when they were broken up, and he made you promise to accept her if they got back together – which means he is very aware of the concerns you have about her. The fact that S has not kept you updated regarding the proposal and aftermath confirms this.</p>
<p>But the critical thing is that despite knowing his parents are not sold on GF, GF is still the person with whom S wants to spend the rest of his life. He is an adult, he is the son you love, so you give him/her the benefit of the doubt, gracefully congratulate the couple, and welcome this woman into your family. You do not want to become the reason this engagement and/or marriage fails. If things do not work out, it should be on the relationship’s own merits (or lack of them), not because his parents refused to accept and welcome her.</p>
<p>Our kids do not have significant others yet, so I do not have any direct experience in your position. However, many years ago a close friend married someone that I considered a very poor choice for a wife. I was wrong. They have been happily married almost 30 years now, and I have grown to love and respect her greatly.</p>
<p>Your S obviously knows this woman a lot better than you do. Assume that he has considered your previous input and still is comfortable and familiar enough with this woman’s character that he knows what he is doing in choosing her as his partner for life. </p>
<p>As for the money issue … No one has asked you for a cent. You are borrowing trouble by assuming your S and/or DIL will. You and your H should decide what you want to do as a gift (independent of your concerns about this woman) and do it on your own terms and schedule.</p>
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<p>At some point our “kids” become adults and there surely has to be a point at which we leave them to make their own decisions, right? Even if we believe it to be a “mistake” (which unless we are infallible, we cannot ever know for certain), there comes a time when we all have to respect their right to make their own choices without parental interference. At least I hope I will be able to do that when the time comes.</p>
<p>No idea how your situation will turn out, but my younger brother married a woman that my parents were somewhat concerned about - and who annoyed me. She was always late, seemed needy, dropped out of a PhD program and seemed at loose ends. She also mooned around brushing her hair a lot. Well twenty years later, I’ve really come to appreciate her. She’s smart, thoughtful and has raised two wonderful children (and two great dogs). My father took ill not too long ago and she was the one that figured out what my mother wasn’t saying. She dropped everything and went up to see my Mom and support her in whatever health decisions she made for my Dad. I have to say what she did the week my Dad passed away supporting the rest of us, was wonderful. She’s still late, she still brushes her hair, but she’s a jewel.</p>
<p>By the way, you don’t need to feel even a little bit guilty about not paying for the honeymoon.</p>
<p>I know this will sound overly simplistic…At the end of the day, what kind of young man lets his parents decide he’s chosen the wrong woman? I’d say the OP better start focusing on the ‘positives’ rather than the ‘negatives’.</p>
<p>I think unless there is a real, tangible issue you can point to (she’s an alcoholic, drug addict, physically abusive to him, that type of thing), you have to be nothing but gracious, warm and welcoming even if she is not to your taste. There is no downside to that. There is, however, tremendous downside if you are not those things.</p>
<p>Your time to express your concern was when son told you he was planning the engagement. I am lucky I love my DIL, my son married up…lol. With that said, DIL parents are on similar financial footing as we are. Both families have taken stock market hits. We sat as a group and talked about wedding $$. H & I gave up our vacation last year, tightened our belts a bit and offered up 10k as did her parents. They could take the cash or have a wedding. They chose a wedding (Mar '10). We also presented them a VERY nice honeymoon as a wedding gift. Now with that said…the topic will come up with them. One of my favorite ploys to gauge a situation is ask a question similar to “at what financial level are you expecting us to participate?”. This allows you to know what they are thinking. Now if the number blows you out of the water, you and your H have to have thought out your rebutal. Don’t be afraid to tell him you have taken a hit. He would be living in hole to not have an idea. Don’t be afraid to say something like “because of our current situation, we are only comfortable with X.”. Son approached me once and told me they were going over budget to which I replied he better cut it back. Noes in your situation if you offer xx and they want xxxx, and she bails, be prepared that he will blame you. So much easier than for him to see her true colors. Now, I am a straight shooter at heart. I would pick up the phone and say “I hear congratulations are in order!!”. If he stays with her and her with him, she will be the mother of your grandchildren. I think about stuff like that all the time. I have son’s who have made GF selections that were questionable at best. My fortune is that one of the other boys will pick up on my feelings and say some snarky something to brother. My favorite comment? “Why in God’s name would you bring a girl like that, dressed like that, to meet Mom?? Are you trying to kill her? Who would do my laundry?”. He never brought her him again.</p>
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<p>I’m confused about this “tread-lightly” bit. The son lives 15 hours away, already is semi-self-estranged from his parents, has gotten engaged but hasn’t bothered to tell the parents, and reading between the lines tends to only call home if he is in crisis or wants money. What could be worse than that? Calling home even less than he does now?</p>
<p>I would personally encourage you to stop having your son play emotional blackmail games with you. If he wants to stop contact for a few months or years - so what? It isn’t like the relationship is healthy or open now… and as long as he can make you walk on eggshells the relationship will remain strained.</p>
<p>1) I would not say anything about the GF to your son unless it was something life threatening, was related to illegal activities, or involved drug or other kinds of abuse. If he asks outright be truthful but vague, placing the focus back on him: “I see you love her very much” or “This isn’t about getting my approval–does she make <em>you</em> happy?” – None are ringing endorsements, plus it puts the responsibility back where it belongs – on the son.</p>
<p>2) I would also not go out of my way to be excessively fake-nice, either… go for socially polite - that is honest but does not compromise your own integrity </p>
<p>3) Stop the money. If your son works FT and has moved away from home, it is time to stop any supplemental payments. You didn’t say exactly, but if the GF is under or unemployed any money you send to son is helping him stretch his dollars to support his GF. If you stop the money now, he will see what it REALLY is like to liveon his own when a sudden medical bill happens. He is young. I know a 22 year old that was forced into bankruptcy… and from then on he became responsible for how he handled money. Don’t feel like you must bail out your son - it may be he has to hit rock bottom before he gets realistic about what he has created.</p>
<p>4) No more money. You are in your rights to not give any money for the wedding for the simple reason that you do not approve - but I agree with the other advice that you should keep that reason to yourself. Simple say your finances at this time don’t allow for a payment toward their ceremony or honeymoon. If you want to give money for the wedding, make it a fixed sum and then let it go. Otherwise, I would, however, give them a respectable and thoughtful wedding gift (doesn’t need to be insanely expensive, but it should be thoughtful and make them know you wish them well–my inlaws gave me a really nice cooking set…that felt very appropriate and thoughtful…symbolically helped set up my “home” and yet didn’t break anyone’s bank account).</p>
<p>If, in fact, the custom is now that the grooms family pays “half”…something I have not yet heard…then yes, when your son tells you he is engaged be prepared with whatever you are comfortable offering. The “half” statement has given me food for thought since I have three boys. I would certainly want to be ahead of the curve if some young lady was planning a one day mega-affair that costs the amount of a 10-20% house downpayment. I know my husband would flat out say “no” to the idea of spending thousands and thousands on a wedding. He’d be more inclined to give money for a house downpayment and tell them to go to Vegas. When my sibs and I were young our parents who were considered “well-off” told us “no big weddings” long before we ever even thought about marriage so we all had very small family affairs (less then 20) and small receptions (less than 100). Each of us “kids” paid for our weddings and receptions and our parents kicked in for part of the bar tab and a pre-wedding dinner. We saved up between the time we got engaged and the weddings and reception dates. The husbands were all pretty happy with how it all worked out. All three of us had our weddings and our receptions on separate days in separate towns to ‘satisfy’ close family/friends as we were flung all over the country.</p>
<p>The other factor is where this young woman’s family lives. If you are 15-16 hours away and her family is not in your town or not in their town, it may be moot as it would be rude and impractical to expect many people to travel to this wedding.</p>
<p>I’m also suprised that parents are considering paying for honeymoons…gosh my kids are in for a potential rude awakening I guess.</p>
<p>Bottom line, I see nothing wrong with being “prepared” with your contribution of both time, effort, travel costs and any wedding costs but I do agree to keep your feelings about the future spouse separate from the financial support issue.</p>
<p>We told our kids that we won’t do weddings, either. We promise to educate them to the best of our ability and to the best of their work ethic, but no weddings. we will give the most generous gift we are able to, but we make no commitment as to what that will be. I have a secret hope to buy my girls china and crystal, but that’s a mom’s wish because my mom disapproved of my choice to get married and refused to buy those things for me even though she bought them for my sister and my brother’s wife. We’re having our 25th this year, you’d think I’d be over it already! I’m just a big fan of being open with our priorities.</p>