<p>Last I checked there was not a rule that states grooms family pays for half, but in this situation (our respective children have “dated” on again off again since middle school!!) it seemed right to us, so we offered, it was never expected. Our familes have been meshed togther for a decade. In our region of the world, it is typical that the grooms parents present the honeymoon as a wedding gift.</p>
<p>I think the situation you are in is more common than you think. You may never love your future daughter-in-law- like a daughter but I think over time you may come to find some admirable qualities in her–after all if your son loves her enought to marry her she must have some good in her.</p>
<p>In my family it was my brother who behaved very much like your son. He brought home his then girlfriend and no one was thrilled. She is a very beautiful woman but very needy and her need included a green card. My parents were none too happy and my dad told my brother in no uncertain terms that he would be disappointed if he married her. He did anyway without telling a soul–no one in our family knew. My dad passed away a year later and he still didn’t tell us. We finally found out after 3 years. They’re still married and she still is needy but he can afford to give her what she wants and he seems content to live like that. We have grown to accept her as she is and are grateful that she makes him happy.</p>
<p>My only advice to you would be to offer pre-marital counseling as an engagement gift. You can tell them marriage is difficult and you want to give them the best chance at success. Because after all if they do go through with this marriage you want them to have a happy home.</p>
<p>The funny thing is- men often marry women that remind them in some fashion of their mothers.</p>
<p>Neither one of our families paid for anything when we were married- we were in our erly 20’s, but had been living together and didn’t expect it or ask.
Very small informal wedding- everything inc the dress , the rings and the honeymoon was $1,000.
Of course that was $1,000 in 1981 dollars. ;)</p>
<p>Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything more insulting that saying “Congrats on your engagement. My gift to you is premarital counseling.” I think it’s time to fall back on the toaster.</p>
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<p>Agreed. As my kids used to say when they were young, “how rude!”</p>
<p>^^^Completely agree with above. Future DIL will not take it well, I’m willing to bet.</p>
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<p>This one: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/964491-mother-starts-dating-site-find-romantic-partners-her-son.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/964491-mother-starts-dating-site-find-romantic-partners-her-son.html</a></p>
<p>There must be a different standard for people who have money and weddings, and the rest of us. Suffice it to say that my son & his wife had a very small wedding, I have no clue what it cost because I just gave them a check as a wedding gift, meant to help offset some of the costs – but based on what I could afford and was comfortable giving. </p>
<p>I told my daughter a long time ago that she was getting a college education from me – I figure that’s where my responsibility ends. I figure that the whole thing about parents paying for wedding festivities stems from different cultures and different times – a world where young women lived at home with their parents until they were married off at, say, age 19 or so. It doesn’t make much sense for parents who are pushing or past retirement age to be on the hook for expenses for 20-somethings or 30-somethings who have been living independently for years.</p>
<p>One of the perks of letting go is that it is a lot cheaper. </p>
<p>If it were alcoholism, abuse or something along those lines, yes, I’d say something. Excluding life threatening situations, it’s none of my business who my son marries. At the same time, it’s none of my business what he spends on his wedding. It’s his marriage and his wedding. If we are able, we’ll surely give some money to help defray costs but the idea that we are obligated by “custom” to pay for half is not something I buy into at all.</p>
<p>The older I get, the more put off I am by young adults shaking down their parents for wedding money, no matter what excuse they give.</p>
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<p>If that’s the kind of person she is, better for him to find out now than later! </p>
<p>It would be a kindness to the S to not pay for the wedding/posh honeymoon (beyond a token sum) and see what happens. If the GF isn’t in it for “better or worse” he’ll find out pretty fast.</p>
<p>In some traditional circles, it was (and is) the custom for the groom’s family to pay for things such as the photographer, the bride’s flowers, the liquor…all discrete items that won’t break the bank. Well, depending on the photog you choose…</p>
<p>I think your financial losses are influencing your opinion of this girl. You said if things were different for you financially you would feel more comfortable being generous. The fiancee has no insight into your finances. Her receiving your generosity in bad times is no different than receiving it in good times if she’s not aware of your situation. Tread lightly, come up with a figure you are willing to part with, and be open with your son as soon as he informs you that there will be a wedding. It’s okay if that number is zero, but do it because that honestly reflects your finances, not because of concerns with the fiancee. He loves her, that you must accept and hopefully in time you will develop an appreciation of her better qualities.</p>
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That is pure genius. Never thought of it that way!</p>
<p>Sorry, I haven’t read this whole thread. But here are my 2 cents, anyway.</p>
<p>Don’t tell your son what you think of his fiancee. My mom did that to my sister and ruined what little relationship they had left. </p>
<p>For the wedding, explain your financial circumstances honestly and then offer to pay an amount equal to what the bride’s family pays, up to a certain limit. Leave the honeymoon for the couple to finance.</p>
<p>I read this yesterday and decided not to post. I read this again and I am posting. I will celebrate my 30th anniversary this year. My parents were not happy about my choice, made that clear, and then did not speak to us for some time over it. We were engaged and living together for a a time, due to finances. When we set a date we were not speaking, and we sent them a wedding invitation, as I had three younger sisters still in college or living at home. I did get a call from one of my sisters three days before to give me a heads up that they were coming, 1200 miles away. </p>
<p>The hurt and the awkwardness was a hard thing to bear. We all smiled, but I knew my mother did not like my husband and that was that. Our relationship has been strained, and we are not close. She always treated my daughters differently as well. My VERY intuitive oldest asked once if grandma didn’t like her and her sister as well because they were adopted. (Infertility and adopted after 10 years of marraige.) They did NOT know anything at that point, other than grandma didn’t seem to love them as much. Broke my heart. Needless to say, we see my family at Christmas and that is about that. </p>
<p>I agree that unless it is drugs, illegal activity, etc to KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Look for the good things about her.</p>
<p>I do agree that you need to be careful about the financial aspects. If this is his choice, he can do it on his dime. I got through undergrad and med school and all on loans and by working while going to school. We paid for the wedding ourselves, and it was simple but wonderful. </p>
<p>The words you speak now will last a marriage and likely a lifetime.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure DH’s family only paid for the rehearsal dinner and the flowers for the groom’s side of the wedding party when we got married. They were generous in buying us bedroom furniture for a wedding gift as we had none. We are still using it today, although we did get rid of the waterbed part years ago:)<br>
DH charged our “grand” FL honeymoon on his credit card and we paid it off monthly for the next year! We were very young and poor. I was still in college.</p>
<p>My mother was against the wedding not because she didn’t like DH but because of our age. She thought it was a big mistake and wouldn’t last. She didn’t really take any pleasure in making wedding plans or share my excitement which kind of tainted it for me and always left a lingering feeling that I had disappointed her. </p>
<p>If your S wants to marry this woman, you’ll have to live with it for “better or worse”. Try to make the best of it. When the time is right, I would let him know how much you will contribute to the wedding as your gift to him and his bride. Let him know that this is the sum total of all you can contribute and if he chooses to use it to help finance a lavish honeymoon then he will be paying the traditional groom’s wedding expenses out of his own pocket with no further contributions from the Silpat family.</p>
<p>Agree with most of the posts above. My parents did not like ex-H. It did not stop me from marrying him, but added tension to the relationship that never went away (we were married for 23 years). I will only offer advice to my Ds if I am asked. Period. And even then I will tread vvveerrrryy carefully.</p>
<p>Also, I can’t imagine why you would pay for their honeymoon, even if you chip in some $ for the wedding itself. Best to provide a set $ amount for the wedding if you are going to contribute, and let them figure out how to spend it.</p>
<p>It would not be amiss for you to have a conversation with S about your financial situation, though, and lay out what he can/can’t expect from you. With caveats – if the economy turns downward again, health issues, etc. can negate anything you do imply that you will do to help them. My advice is to do the same with any other children (you mentioned a D, I think), but it is probably best to treat the sibs equally as much as possible, and share the same info with them if they are old enough. And then stick to it.</p>
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I couldn’t agree more. My MIL hated me because I was different and because I can be a little on the tough side. I saw it as having no choice. At that point, my husband couldn’t read in any meaningful sense, was hanging out with the wrong crowd and was going nowhere very quickly. I dragged him onto the right path and marched behind him with a big stick. My MIL hated that. Thought I was a witch, that I considered myself better than my husband, all kinds of stuff. But he ended up where he needed to be and I’m not sorry. She did come to realize that before she died, but the point is that you should ask yourself what it is that you don’t like and if there is a flip side to that. You indicated that your son has had issues and I wonder if there is something that the fiancee offers that your son values. Maybe he needs to be needed, maybe she makes a nice home for him. Who knows? But if you could find out what it is, perhaps you could understand.</p>
<p>hey Silpat - Good luck on the meeting. Sounds like S is excited and it sounds like you’re a little happier as well.</p>
<p>The OP said: “Prior to this, dh had figured we’d offer each of our children a set amount to use as desired on the wedding, house downpayment, etc.”</p>
<p>In my opinion, this is still a good idea–and the amount you can afford truly has changed due to the economy’s having changed, regardless of how you feel about the young woman. If you give a set dollar amount, you don’t have to worry about the cost of extravagant honeymoons or other expenses; the bride and groom can choose how to allocate the funds. If you do not intend to finance future house purchases or medical bills (and you have no obligation to do so), you should let the bride and groom know that your funds are limited when you make your gift.</p>
<p>Regional differences may explain different approaches to paying for weddings, but I have never heard of the groom’s family being obligated to pay for half, regardless of the cost and the groom’s family’s ability to pay, particularly when the groom is working full-time and living independently far from home. Please don’t let anyone make you feel guilty or like a Scrooge because of what other families might choose to do!</p>
<p>You have two separate issues here. One is how you should act towards your S and your future DIL. They deserve your respect and you should keep personal feelings about suitablility and how much you like or dislike her and the match to your self. There is absolutely nothing to be gained and much to lose if you do not.</p>
<p>As to what you want to pay towards the wedding, honeymoon, to them at all, is really up to you. You can love them and the situation and still not pay for these things. That is a whole separate issue. You and H should go over the financials, decide what you want to give to them, and then let your son know that you do have some issues financially and cannot give more than that amount. To raise expectations of how much you have, can afford and want to give to them is looking for trouble when you don’t want or can’t afford to pay. Make it clear from the beginning,but be as kind and sweet and accommodating as can be. Just no money. I don’t see a problem with this at all.</p>
<p>My friend whose D recently married was complaining how her D and new SIL seem to think that she and her H are ATMs. Their fault. They could not help them out more and really raised the notch on an expensive wedding, making it look like they were willing and able to support this new couple. Now it is more difficult to get out of that position since expectations have been raised. </p>
<p>My husband’s aunt and uncle were shocked 20 years ago when their college aged son announced his engagement to a woman twice his age with two kids closer to his age than he was to hers. They did not go to the wedding or have much to do with the family for a while, they were so stunned, hurt and upset. Now 20 years later with a granddaughter 18 years old, they are very close to their DIL. The match has not only endured, but flourished. </p>
<p>I know of many other such stories including one where my friend’s son married a stripper/“loose” woman. Really hit her hard. Now two kids later, things are just fine. I’ve also seen some apparent very good matches fall apart, including my brother’s first marriage which was truly mainline.</p>