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<p>“I’ve seen those who were right that it would quickly fall apart”</p>
<p>Or worse, I’ve seen those who were right that they the two would stay married, but the spouse would continue to be emotionally abusive. Awful marriages can last a long time.</p>
<p>Re: what kind of young person would let the parents veto their choice of spouse: This one would! I’ve learned from watching others that love can make you blind, deaf, and really dumb. I have wonderful parents and siblings who share my values and want me to be happy. If I’m dating someone and they are unanimous in their belief that he is bad news for me, I won’t marry him. I will trust that I am blind and they can see.</p>
<p>Read “Portrait of a Lady” for an example of someone who threw her life away in blind love because she didn’t listen to some good advice. If she’d had a family like mine, maybe Isabel wouldn’t have married that ■■■■■■■.</p>
<p>A side observation - do you know for sure that the Facebook news of the engagement is official? People mess around with the relationship status on FB all the time. Kids put down close friends as “siblings” and half the relationships that are posted up there are premature or meant as jokes. Just asking if “engaged” could just be a loose reference to their commitment or live-in status. Since your S told you of his intention to propose, it may be the case, but is it possible the official proposal hasn’t happened?</p>
<p>Good point Roshke. My D is listed as engaged on Facebook. The fiancee is her car, but if you didn’t know that you wouldn’t know it.</p>
<p>Well, you certainly ought to start you conversation with S by asking if they ARE engaged, and if they have set a date yet. I wouldn’t offer any money until he confirms, and they can at least specific a month (okay, quarter :)) when they intend to actually wed.</p>
<p>Some kids do goof around regarding FB status - and some apparently don’t get that, once they change their status to “engaged,” people who aren’t necessarily on their friends list will find out anyway. My brother was heartbroken earlier this year to find out that his d from his first marriage became engaged on New Year’s Eve. He found out when his 14 y/o son (who is a FB friend of his half-sister) said, “um, Dad - did you know that Melissa’s engaged?”</p>
<p>The d in question is 25 y/o and has chosen to be somewhat distant from our side of the family - by which I mean that she and her bf are invited to every family gathering, but usually don’t come; doesn’t return phone calls, etc. But has confided to my older d that she’s waiting to set her wedding budget until after her Dad (the guy she didn’t call about her engagement until 10 days later) has told her how much he can contribute toward the wedding. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>OP. glad to hear that you and your dh are looking forward to your visit with your son. Have a wonderful time together.</p>
<p>Silpat - have a great visit.
Now that you know your son is engaged you can be gracious and not shocked when they break the news.</p>
<p>My parents were not happy to my engagement to a man 14 years old than I. In fact, 5 kids and 6 weddings, they were not overjoyed at 4 of them. One brother married an immature 20 year old, 5 years younger than he. One married a woman who was 5 months pregnant. One married a woman 6 months after a bitter divorce.
Over all these weddings, on thing that stands out is how gracious my parents were. They made every effort and welcomed these women (and my then, husband) into the family warmly.
Best wishes to you -</p>
<p>Glad you are feeling better, silpat! Sounds like you and DH are in a good place now. Hope you have a wonderful visit!</p>
<p>“Thanks. I am much calmer today and planning to have a pleasant visit. Dh & I discussed giving S a check this weekend, with the understanding that it’s the full and final amount, for S to spend however he/they desire”. </p>
<p>Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to show up with a check, hand it to them and say that “it’s the full and final amount, for you to spend however you desire”. Unless the wedding is later this year (2010), the lure of have (I’m guessing) thousands of dollars sitting in a savings account might be too much of a temptation. It’s almost as if you are luring them to spend the money prematurely on a vacation, big screen TV or whatever they want. Then you have the satisfaction of saying “I told you so” about her intentions about (your) money.</p>
<p>If you really want to help them with a cash contribution (whether they decide to use it for the wedding, the honeymoon or down payment on a house), tell them what dollar figure you have in mind, then give it to them closer to the wedding date. Giving them the money now when the wedding could be 1+ years away is a two-edged sword that doesn’t help anyone. It also strikes me a bit cold and condescending and you are probably not like that.</p>
<p>An acquaintance of ours became “engaged” on FB and it was shocking b/c it would have been his 4th marriage, and he had recently shown an interest in a different woman…turns out it was an “in” joke that he was “engaged” to a fellow musician because he saw so much of her.</p>
<p>I still don’t think it was very funny to those of us who assumed he had resumed his occasional dive off the deep end. But you never know.</p>
<p>Silpat, you have gotten a lot of good practical advice here. I have been where you are now, so I think I understand what you are feeling. You will have to grieve the loss of what might have been had your son chosen a wife you saw as a good match. Ultimately, she could surprise you. The best way to stay connected to him is to try to have a good relationship with her. My son ended up not marrying the girl I had concerns about, so I don’t know how well I’d have handled it. But I still have a sick feeling about it. She had serious mental health issues which eventually destroyed the relationship.</p>
<p>As far as money is concerned, I would not mention it at all. I would have thought about it, however, for when the subject comes up. Many young people are “engaged” indefinitely. It is possible your son is placating her and there are no immediate plans. Giving them money to spend could accelerate the process. I would aim to be no influence in either direction while I work on adjusting my own attitude. Best of luck to you!</p>
<p>I would decouple money entirely from this weekend. Get to meet the girl, congratulate them, and find out about THEIR plans. Then you and your husband can come back at a later date with whatever your plans are. I don’t see why the money issue needs to be settled at this point.</p>
<p>I agree with not bringing up the $$ issue right off the bat.
Also good point about FB status - I learned last night that my D is married to her sorority sister!</p>
<p>Ok…as the woman who was hated by my inlaws: It was bad enough that I was/am Jewish but my parents weren’t rich. And, oh so many things were “wrong” with me…well, 30 plus years later (and lots of estrangements) we’re still married. We spoke to my sil and bil the night my fil lay dying for the first time in 29 years. My MIL now things I’m ok…actually better than her other dil, the WASP. But it doesn’t matter, the damage was done. I am polite, soliticitous…and I am appropriate. My children (now her favorites…yes, she has said that many times…) never liked those grandparents. </p>
<p>I have learned how NOT to be a MIL. If the marriage works you will never be forgiven. If it doesn’t work your child will come home and thank you for supporting him/her. IF ASKED you might voice a concern with a positive comment about the intended.</p>
<p>As for us? After the MIL dies I will never see the bil or sil again. After all, how does one forget that my baby was called a k<em>k</em> by them? You don’t. Move on and hope for happiness.</p>
<p>^I think that even if asked, the mother of the groom needs to tread very, very carefully. Instead of giving my opinion, I would ask questions which would encourage the son to develop his own analysis. When our sons become adults, we have to let them make their choices and just be there to love them if and when they fall. Leave it up to other people to get their hands dirty in voicing concerns (even if asked).</p>
<p>Mother-in-laws can never keep their mouths shut too much. The long term consequences of alienating this girl could be devastating - a game-changer for your whole life. What if you express an opinion and DS confides in his fianc</p>
<p>Silpat - Just live one day at a time. It seems like you are worrying about a discussion that may not even come up. (Money for wedding, honeymoon, etc.) Don’t even think about it. They may be engaged for 5 years, for all you know. Or may break up next week. Enjoy your visit with them and find qualities that you like about the future daughter-in-law. If you have to look pretty hard for those qualities, so be it.</p>
<p>silpat, I think it’s so good that you and your husband have had some time to process this and I really like what you are planning on telling your other children about good marriages that seemed a bad match at the wedding.</p>
<p>ellabud, I am so sorry that someone would say that to you and about your precious baby. You are clearly a good person and it’s their loss entirely to have missed out on being a part of your family.</p>
<p>pugmadkate: Thank you. It is truly their loss. This is why I am hyper sensitive to my future kids in law. (I will only offer an opinion on the future kid in law if asked, as my son said that he would do. BUT I would couch it in the positive/possible concern/then a positive). I find it interesting to mix the class thread with this one.</p>
<p>Money, (God help me I’m quoting a RHONYC!!!) doesn’t buy you class. </p>
<p>One of my dearest friend’s kids just got engaged to a wonderful girl. Everyone truly adores her. The wedding plans are up in the air because the future bride is from an entirely different background. What “we” consider a proper (whatever that means) wedding celebration isn’t something that the future bride is familiar with. (Her sister had kegs at her wedding.) </p>
<p>The solution? My girlfriend is keeping her mouth shut. This is a wonderful young woman who put herself through college and is very well respected in her career. The young man is equally terrific. The young couple will do what they want. And if the young woman wants some input…there are at least 10 of us who are ready to help. 
At the moment 9 of us are helping to keep the future MIL quiet.</p>
<p>“(God help me I’m quoting a RHONYC!!!)” :D</p>
<p>Who knew The Countess’ song would have relevance?</p>