<p>Does N’s supervisor know they are in charge no matter that N is a relative? According to my H he made it very clear when N asked for unearned vacation time that the supervisor could deny the request. Instead the supervisor stated I need to have this, this and this done by this, this and this date. You can take the vacation days, but these deadlines have to be met. You can work remotely if you need to, but you must meet these deadlines. If you do not meet these deadlines our project will fall behind. N met the deadlines.</p>
<p>OK, now it sounds like the kid has no performance issues if he is allowed to work flexible hours as long as the deadlines are met. There is no special treatment for N either. Do your in-laws think that you should be doing more for your N? Personally, professionally or both? It is time for a family HR meeting as suggested by Artlovers, but instead of focusing on N performance which is fine, focus on their expectations and how their overinvolvement in the kid’s life hurts his growth.</p>
<p>Family meeting: I do not understand the point of a family meeting with N’s parents. HB and SIL live over 1,200 miles away from us. </p>
<p>When I last saw HB and SIL two months ago they were barely civil to me and would not even look me in the eye. Why would I want to spend $2,500 to $3,500 + (air fare, car rental, hotel, restaurant meals, airport transportation, house sitter, etc.) to hold a meeting with a couple who completely ignored me during my last visit?</p>
<p>I don’t understand the point of such a meeting. Please clarify.</p>
<p>Sorry, I was under the impression that your in-laws lived much closer than that and you used to be on good terms before N employment with your H. I’m definitely not suggesting spending money on airfare etc. just to have a talk with them. So, what concerns you the most about this situation? What would be the ideal outcome that you’d love to see?</p>
<p>I’d just like to say that I’m sorry the kindness you and your H have extended has not been appreciated. There is some good advice here regarding H distancing himself from N at work to avoid appearance of favoritism. (Is it unlikely non-relative would have gotten early vacation even with deadlines met?) Do not allow in-laws to take advantage of you or place blame with you. You and H have done quite a lot for N, not every Aunt and Uncle would do as much.</p>
<p>Your SIL and HB’s issues seem to have less to with your H or anything work- related and more to do with what went on between you and N at home. What did your SIL mean when she accused you of creating a hostile environment for your N? Did she give any specifics? You obviously had your reasons to be concerned and frustrated with him. Were there confrontations or disagreements between you and your nephew? If so, how were they handled?</p>
<p>roshke - you asked the same question I asked. There were no confrontations or disagreements with my nephew at any time. SIL gave no specifics except an accusation. My H was as puzzled as I was and asked why SIL made such a comment. She made no response.</p>
<p>I did ask my nephew if he could empty the trash in his room (he never did). I did ask him to keep his bathroom clean as I do not have a housecleaner (he did not). I did ask him if he would take the recycles outside to the recycle bin when they were full (he took them out once in two months). Since the trash was piling up in his bedroom and he did not seem to mind using a dirty bathroom (I cleaned both the guest room and the guest bathroom before his arrival) I made no comment. Of course, then I had to clean both rooms once he moved out.</p>
<p>Both H and I sat down with N to discuss his mother’s concerns about drug use and her revelation that he was depressed. His mouth literally dropped. After we chatted we explained to him that he was an adult and we would treat him like one. We also told him that we had notified his mother if she had any concerns to discuss them with him herself and that we would not act on her behalf in the future. We said if we had any problems with him we would let him know and hoped he would feel comfortable enough to do the same. It was after this conversation that SIL called my H and made the hostile environment comment.</p>
<p>So, I was as confused as you are. My H was too.</p>
<p>Very strange, especially considering all you are both doing, and continue to do, for your nephew. It also makes no sense given that your SIL herself had major worries about him - you’d think she would question his version of events, or at least discuss them with you. Instead they seem to be blaming you for his issues. I agree with consolation that your H should not tolerate you being talked to or treated that way, but in your place, I’d probably also call them myself to try to clear the air.</p>
<p>OK, I see your added comments. At least that gives some context to your SIL’s remark, inappropriate though they were. I think I would try to call your SIL and explain that that conversation with her son was meant constructively and that you meant and conveyed no hostility. And that if her S took it that way, he was mistaken. I’d call N and have the same talk with him. Doesn’t seem to have stopped your HB from asking you to continue having him by. My guess is that this may just all just blow over.The work situation is another thing, though.</p>
<p>Fortunately, we have not had this problem when hiring kids of friends (tho they are not relatives). I guess we must count our blessings. It does sound like you & H are being very kind and generous to N, HB and SIL. I’m sorry your goodness is not being appreciated as it ought to be.</p>
<p>Hope that N works out or he finds a job that is a better fit. I agree that your H needs to distance himself as much as possible from N & make sure there is no whiff of favortism from him toward N at the workplace. Sounds the the SIL has a lot of concerns about N–complicated family dynamic.</p>
<p>I seems to me that N is not a problem as he does his work and lives on his own. Of course, the problem is his parents who are worried and concerned about their probably socially awkward son who is far away. I suspect that N doesn’t communicate with his parents much and they are depending on you to be the local parents. Of course you’re not and shouldn’t be as N is grown (albeit a bit immature as may be typical of many 22/23 y.o boys). </p>
<p>I would invite N over occasionally for dinner as he is family, and completely ignore HB and SIL. Once they find that N is doing fine on his own, they’ll stop worrying so much and stop taking out their worries and frustrations out on you. It sounds like this only ones who have a problem are SIL and HB. Don’t let them hang your problems on you.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your advice. It was interesting to see how posters commented on different parts of the original post. I appreciate your help. </p>
<p>I agree this is a warning that if relatives are hired there needs to be a clear understanding about what the business and personal relationship will be. My H did not believe it necessary to include N’s parents in discussions about N’s job. He discovered his mistake.</p>
<p>N also needs to mature as he and his parents chose an apartment he could not afford so his parents subsidize his rent. I have come to realize HB and SIL want to be in control and my H has commented more than once that N needs to cut the apron strings.</p>
<p>It does not appear that the situation with HB and SIL will change and they will always be upset since I refuse to be controlled by them. Since N lives in our area now it is a given that he needs to be included in family activities, but on our terms.</p>
<p>It is awkward and I would not expect to have to include parents in any discussion about an employee’s job. It is more complicated when it is a relative, which you have found to your detriment. This is definitely a cautionary tale about hiring relatives! </p>
<p>I hope for everyone’s sake that N will mature into the job or find himself another job that suits him better. I agree that it’s up to you & H how you want to include N in what activities. Good for you standing up to HB & SIL to let them know that your invitations will be on YOUR terms, not theirs. Glad N at least met the deadlines set by his boss. Hope things work out. Good luck!</p>
<p>Cherry, so sorry you are now having to take this parental role. It isn’t fair for you, especially given all the aspects you are now having to deal with. Let me also add that my son is exactly like your nephew, so I know from which you are writing and would like to offer my POV.</p>
<p>N’s mother is probably already well aware of N’s issues. Unfortunately she is still acting like a protective pushy mom, which doesn’t help N, you & your DH, or his work environment. My son has Asperger’s and ADD. Do you know if N has been dx’d with anything, or is he just known as “immature”? Expecting him to mature quickly ain’t going to happen as quickly as you’d like, however, setting very specific expectations about his responsibilities around the house and at work should be your first step. Spell out chores like throwing out the garbage and when he should do that (like tell him to do that every night, to avoid having to tell him when it’s full.) Since he has now been living with you for a certain time frame, it may be wise to let him know that in a certain time, like at 6-months, he will be expected to pay rent. (Be sure to give him warning.) That may wake him up. He also needs an actual employment contract that spells out when he can take a vacation. Without a contract, he won’t understand he can’t assume anything and his mom won’t be so pushy.</p>
<p>And then there’s his mom. Have a heart-to-heart phone conversation with her. See if she’s going to admit she knows he has “issues” and be sure to offer to help. One important way to help her/him will be regular contact. It may seem absurd you have to do this for a young adult, but she’ll appreciate the offer and she may begin to see you’re on the same side.</p>
<p>Also, please send thanks to your DH. It’s very kind of him to tolerate your nephew’s idiosyncrasies. He may be getting flack from his colleagues and it’s not easy. Just remember, if his situation can settle down, your nephew also may offer some really good skills to the environment too.</p>
<p>limabeans, I believe OP’s N moved out and is living on his own (although with mom and dad’s subsidies).</p>
<p>OP, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this kind of helicoptering relatives. You’ve done a lot for N, and as they say, no good deed goes unpunished… Let me speculate again. It looks like the young man is not making enough to pay his rent and cover his expenses. Could the issue be that his parents, while discussing N’s issues, want your H to promote N/ pay him more?</p>
<p>limabeans - BunsenBurner is correct - N moved out after two months. I am not certain if he has been diagnosed with anything. He seems to be “off” to me. When N moved into our home I was very specific that I was not willing to parent someone else’s child. Let’s just say that I spent the summer dealing with a serious health issue for one of my own children and it was a big relief to me to receive news that a biopsy was benign. I did not have the energy or desire to act in loco parentis for N after that incident. It was bad enough having to send my child off to college after major surgery with incisions that were still healing. In fairness HB and SIL do not know about the surgery as my child asked us not to tell them as H’s family is very gossipy.</p>
<p>However, I found a great website called Out of the Fog where I found something called Proxy Recruitment, which is where a person gets a third party to “do their dirty work for them.” I am beginning to wonder if SIL may have a personality disorder!</p>
<p>BunsenBurner - Yes! N already complained about his low salary while living in our home. I heard the entire conversation myself. My H explained that another employee, who has the desired undergraduate degree and had several years of work experience actually made less than N while working part time and earning his master’s degree. I later pointed out that N was indirectly asking for a raise and H declined to believe my logic saying he was just complaining.</p>
<p>Even if HB and SIL want N to earn more I still do not understand why I am the one they are shunning!</p>
<p>Cherrywild, you are the one they are shunning because they feel they can shun you without negative consequences for N. They see your H as N’s boss. They don’t want to shun N’s boss, so you are the handy substitue. (I have a SIL who acts similarly). It’s also possible N called his mother and asked her why she thinks he’s on drugs, needs extra help, etc. SIL could be mad because you “spilled the beans”. Thus the shunning.
Is it possible N knows about the health issues, and told his parents, who now feel out of the loop? (I am not suggesting they have any right to this information.)</p>
<p>If you want to try a conversation, try it. I’d tell my DH to step up to the plate, their behavior is unacceptable (actually, I’ve had that conversation). It may not change much, but will clear the air between the two of you. I’d encourage DH to not talk to his brother about N’s employment issues. “N doesn’t work for me”. Repeat as needed. If necessary–“That’s a private employment issue between N and his boss. I can’t talk about it. Talk to N.” They live far away, so you don’t have to deal with them frequently.
Invite N over, include him in family events as it works for you and your family. I’d tend to include him in holidays when he can’t go home, and possibly once in a while other times. As a previous poster mentioned, not a regular schedule.</p>
<p>Mom2M - It would not surprise me if N did call his Mom about the drug issue. When we discussed it he even brought up the same story she told us. My child had already heard this story from another cousin! SIL had told one of her N’s cousins the same story she told us!</p>
<p>No, N does not know about the health issue. N arrived after the semester started and my child was gone. H and I did have to be careful as I came to believe that N was listening to our conversations. Closed doors started being the norm in my household. Do I believe he passed on things he heard? Absolutely. I was often quizzed about where I was going and what was I doing. When I replied I was going to an appointment N would say, well, I already know that, but I ignored him and gave no additional information.</p>
<p>H believes the situation is over and we need to move forward. By not telling HB and SIL their behavior is unacceptable H has given them the signal that their behavior is OK. Their relationship with him has not changed.</p>
<p>I agree with your advice about the employment issues, but my H and HB are extremely close and always have since they were small children. I hope H is not discussing N’s employment issues with HB, but it would not surprise me if he is. </p>
<p>I have not invited N over since he moved out. I do not really want to (although I realize I will have to) as this whole episode has tested our 25+ year marriage more than any other event. Throughout it appeared H put HB and N above everyone else. I have always known he is extremely close to HB and I have dealt with that, but this was something new.</p>
<p>Step away from the fire. Once H gets burned, he’ll step back also.</p>
<p>Sorry this has been a stressor for your marriage. I would try to stay OUT of the situation as much as possible and consider marriage counseling for you & H (or if he refuses, counseling for you to figure out how you want to proceed). It’s important for H to hear from a neutral party how much N & HB & SIL are affecting him & your marriage, as well as steps that should be taken for the benefit of your marriage.</p>
<p>Family dynamics can get complicated. Perhaps H knows that HB is having issues with SIL & is doing his darndest to help with N in the hopes that this will improve things between HB & SIL. Really unfair that you’re stuck in the crossfire, but it does happen.</p>
<p>Good suggestions HImom. My H mentioned something about N today and I responded. I could have kicked myself. Note to self: do not respond to H’s mention of N with anything besides the um sound.</p>
<p>I had called a recommended therapist for some sessions with H and I. Therapist got back to me today. Now I need to discuss with H who seems to think the whole issue is over and done with.</p>