<p>I hope H will come to see your point of view.</p>
<p>So sorry that you are dealing with this. In-law situations can be very challenging. I think the therapist is a good idea (so good I may copy that). I hope things improve for you!</p>
<p>It should make no sense that your SIL is mad about you discussing possible drug use with your nephew since she is the one who specifically asked that you and your H do this! She may, however, have been surprised you talked to him about the depression and the counseling - is it possible she felt you broke a confidence by asking your nephew about that? </p>
<p>Also - are you sure HB ever knew SIL asked you to talk to N? Maybe there was a lot of backlash from his son, and he subsequently became upset with you, his wife, N, or all of the above. It’s even possible that your SIL, upon seeing the reaction of her H and S, was not honest with her H about her role in getting you involved. Now she may be upset with you for the backlash instead of taking responsibility. Of course, this doesn’t really explain why either of them would be upset with you and not your H. And, their issues may have had to do with more than the one conversation. </p>
<p>From what I can infer, and to your credit, you sound more open and direct, while your H is more prone to sweeping issues under the rug, at least in this situation. Perhaps your SIL and BIL are more like your H and so SIL and BIL felt that if this blew up on them (via their son’s angry remarks, N’s reaction to the expectations for him in your home etc.) , it somehow HAS to be all your fault. </p>
<p>One way or another, I think their issue is that it makes them uncomfortable that you are confronting issues with their son in a way that they rarely do.</p>
<p>roshke - I do think SIL did not think we would tell N that she was the reason for the conversation. She never asked us to keep it a secret, but I was not about to take responsibility for talking to N about an issue without disclosing the source. Otherwise he might think my own children had told me about it! I know my H spoke with HB about the drug issue and HB had already heard about it and denied there was an issue.</p>
<p>In fact SIL had told the same story LAST YEAR to another N who then relayed it to my children, which I discovered after N moved out.</p>
<p>Since SIL was telling the story to other family members it makes no sense that she blames me for talking to N about her concern at her request.</p>
<p>As far as the depression and counseling both N and HB verified that N had never seen a counselor and was not depressed. HB did tell my H that SIL had made an appointment for N with a counselor and SIL thought he was depressed, but N refused to go to the appointment. So, months later here she is telling my H that her son was under the care of a therapist and had been severely depressed. We were concerned that his therapy had been interrupted; that perhaps he had been on anti depressants and had stopped taking them, etc. We wanted N to be safe and we needed to know if the depression/therapy story was true.</p>
<p>I do not think SIL was honest with HB. There were other incidents and HB always defended her when H asked what had happened. That is what I would expect a spouse to do - defend their spouse.</p>
<p>My concern was that SIL was trying to control our household from afar as well as continuing to keep control over her son. For instance by notifying us she had decided to visit without consulting us before hand is not what I consider to be normal behavior.</p>
<p>The whole incident makes no sense to me at all.</p>
<p>SIL sounds like a master manipulator. Sounds like she’s doing a great job of pitting everyone against each other.</p>
<p>The problem is clearly the sil. I assume she is your sil, not your sister. Is she your husbands sister or his sister in law?</p>
<p>Make work about work, personal about personal. </p>
<p>My bil works for us and I really regret it. He has a completely different work ethic than we do. Luckily he works in another state, but we still deal with him everyday. My sis is the one who believes he’s doing us a huge favor and that he should make more money. </p>
<p>Don’t talk to the sis about anything other than what you would have talked about before N came to work for your h. It sounds like you don’t work for the company. N’s mom sounds like a helicopter parent to the extreme. At work, don’t treat N any different than your h wants to treat other employees, or else all those others are going to be resentful. If another worker is making less money you made a huge mistake telling N. It also sounds like N is then being overpaid. Let him stand on his own, period.</p>
<p>gouf78 - Agreed. SIL is a master manipulator.</p>
<p>eyemamom - SIL is my H’s sister in law. SIL has stopped all contact with me so talking with her is not an issue.</p>
<p>As far as the conversation about salary my H used an example from the prior company he had worked at. I think the point was to say - look, there was someone whose qualifications are far better than yours and this employee was paid less than you are. There is no question in my mind that N would like a salary boost as less than a month after he was hired he started commenting about how little he made. The other spare rooms are her hobby room and two offices - one each for SIL and HB.</p>
<p>And, no, I do not work for the company. However, we own a share of the company so technically half of that share is mine.</p>
<p>Yes, SIL sounds like a helicopter parent in the extreme. What I find confusing is that she has no room in her home for N. SIL and HB moved to a different city before N graduated. In their five bedroom home there is now a guest room with twin beds for their sons and each has one drawer in a chest of drawers for their possessions.</p>
<p>SIL also wanted to ship all of N’s possessions to our residence as she said they took up too much room in their garage. I told SIL we did not have room for N’s stuff either and SIL and N should rent a storage unit. So, I find it rather odd that she appears to be such a helicopter parent, but made no room for N in her house and expected us to make room for N and his possessions (including furniture) in our house.</p>
<p>The way I see it is you could make this as complicated as you want or you could make it as simple as you want.</p>
<p>N is doing a fine job at the moment, so he will continue to work for someone at your H´s office. Let your H deal with him anything related to work, and let your H deal with HB anything related to N. If your H decides to disclose anything about N to HB (it´s a mistake), but let him and also let him pick up any fall out from it.</p>
<p>N is living on his own now, not problem to you. As his aunt and closest relative, I would think it would be your obligation in having him over from time to time (whatever works for you) and invite him to some family events (like when your kids are home or if there is a birthday). I am sure you could tolerate him for few hours. While you are around him, there is no need to talk about work.</p>
<p>As far as your relationship with HB and SIL, you don´t owe them anything. You are not obligated in keeping them informed about N. They need to deal with their own son, not through you. I would be as nice to them as they are to you. If they are rude to you, you certainly have the right not to entertain them. Whatever your H wants to do with HB, he will need to do it on his own.</p>
<p>As hard as it maybe, I would stop discussing N with your H. If he brings it up, just nod and smile. He is one who got himself into this, so he is going to need to figure out how to get out of it. But I wouldn´t be constantly nagging at him about what a big mistake he has mad or bad mouth his family.</p>
<p>You may have shares of the company, but you don´t run the company, so N is not your employee and he doesn´t owe you anything because he works at your H´s company.</p>
<p>My 2 cents.</p>
<p>“My 2 cents”</p>
<p>That sounds like an extraordinarily good 2 cents.</p>
<p>The only thing I can add, is it somehow possible to step back, take a deep breath and emotionally disconnect yourself from this situation? I’ve done that a few times in my life, and it really works. Get your plan of how you’re going to react (especially if SIL, who sounds like a real you know what calls you). Just calm, distant and polite. He really is hindered by having such a controlling parent, thank God he got away. All the bad emotions you have over this situation, just let them go. You have done more than you possibly could have. Don’t let this cranky woman suck you into her problems.</p>
<p>Ok, after deleting many replies, I am going to post this. Please know that I mean this in the nicest way possible…</p>
<p>Your problem is with your DH. Not your HB, SIL or N (althought the SIL sounds like a mess). You expected your DH to back you up, call the SIL on the shunning, etc. He didn’t. You are upset (for what it’s worth, I think you are right). I think your idea of a therapist is good, so you and your DH can see each other’s point of view. Then, just step out of the mess. Invite N over when it works for you. Ignore all work conversation concerning N. Focus on the stuff you can do something about–how you and your DH handle this situation now. </p>
<p>I do not mean this in a harmful fashion. I have been in similar situations with my inlaws–and I had to learn where to put my energy. Really, my DH does not see my SIL as manipulating…he sees his kid sister. I think there is a big, flashing billboard over the woman’s head, but he doesn’t see it. To create peace in my house, I deal with the stuff I can influence–DH. SIL and I are polite when in each other’s company, but that’s about it. And that’s fine with me.</p>
<p>Mom2M - you are absolutely right. My H acted in an unexpected, irrational manner. H’s modus operandi has always been what is best from a business standpoint and he is beloved by coworkers. H is always fair and impartial. In this case he has done a complete 180 and it truly baffles me. The problem is with H and that is why a therapist is a good idea.</p>
<p>oldfort - You state N does not owe me anything even though he works at my H’s company and is not my employee. Therefore, by the same logic I do not owe him anything either.</p>
<p>N was a de facto spy in our household as SIL “pumped” him for information. N often made the mistake of asking for more information or commenting on conversations he had overheard between H and I. There was no privacy in our house.</p>
<p>At the last family get together we attended in the city in which SIL and HB live, N gave me the cold shoulder in solidarity with his parents. He would not even look me in the eye and he was living in our house. I understand his behavior, but I do not have to condone it.</p>
<p>I was truly torn when I made my original post about what to do next. Through the various comments I have come to realize I have no obligation to anyone who is disrespectful of me and my family and that includes N.</p>
<p>“I have come to realize I have no obligation to anyone who is disrespectful of me and my family and that includes N.”</p>
<p>Yes, totally agree. Though you can make your life easier by ignoring their bad behavior as if you don’t even notice it, and just being polite. Sometimes being oblivious can pay such dividends!</p>
<p>“Though you can make your life easier by ignoring their bad behavior as if you don’t even notice it, and just being polite. Sometimes being oblivious can pay such dividends!”</p>
<p>This can tend toward passive aggressive behavior and end up inviting more of the same ill treatment. Sometimes being upfront and letting people know they are stepping on your toes, at the time, is the best way to go.</p>
<p>Yes, I did ignore the bad behavior and was polite and that is how I ended up in this very situation.</p>
<p>I believe OhioMom3000 is correct that doing so invites more of the same ill treatment since that has been my experience so far.</p>
<p>Counseling for you & H is MOST important. The other stuff can wait. The important thing is YOUR marriage & YOUR relationship. Glad you have contacted a therapist and look forward to finding out that the therapist is really helping you & H!</p>
<p>It’s awful when folks treat you this way and there is no excuse. You & H need to have a united front and work together. Your marriage is more important than N, SIL, or BH. Hang in there. You have a LOT to gain by working with H & therapist.</p>
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<p>Considering N’s rude behavior towards the OP and the fact he refused to perform even the most basic upkeep as a guest in her house(i.e. Emptying out the wastebasket in his room as requested at the beginning of his stay), I don’t think she has any further obligations to have him over as a guest if she’s so disinclined. </p>
<p>I am SHOCKED at the behavior the OP had to put up with from N. </p>
<p>If I or any of my cousins pulled half of the same BS as a guest in some of my aunt’s or grandmothers’ homes…we’d not only be summarily told off, but immediately booted out of the house and be considered persona non grata there or at any residence they owned for a few years. </p>
<p>From the OP’s account…sounds like N wasn’t even doing the bare minimum expected of him (i.e. Emptying the wastebasket in the guestroom). Disrespecting the privacy rights of his aunt and uncle by acting as his parents’ spy to the point of trying to wheedle more information out of them just makes him look worse. </p>
<p>If I was in the OP’s shoes…I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the house unless he shapes up and learns how to behave respectfully…especially considering he’s no longer a child/adolescent.</p>
<p>cobrat - thank you for reading my posts before responding. The information about emptying the trash is back at #27 and your post is #56.</p>
<p>If my own children had behaved in such a manner I would tell them that is unacceptable. I always hear about what good guests they are - they fill the gas tanks as thanks for driving them around; they strip the linen off the bed they use and offer to wash the used sheets and towels; they offer to stop by the grocery store and buy items their aunt/s, grandmother/s, etc. need/s; they go to the drug and/or grocery store to buy the special products they need like non scented, plain white tissues (allergies), etc.</p>
<p>They have both worked part time jobs on campus while attending college and worked every summer since high school. They were not spending our money, but their own when they visited relatives.</p>
<p>They are shocked by the behavior of their cousin, but not surprised.</p>
<p>Sorry being late here.</p>
<p>I read eveyone’s opinion and understood the dynamics of the family problem. I, too, am apalled with the behavior from your relatives. However, they are still your H’s brother and a close brother. If the relationship is further down the line, such as cousins of H, then you may not want to deal with it or ignore them. I have many cousins that I don’t even talked to for 20-30 years. But I do have to deal with my Brothers quite often.</p>
<p>I think your H and You should going to counseling first to ensure there is no underline resentment over this incident and have a general agreement as to how to handle the situation under the counselor. Follow the counselor’s advise to resolve the problem.</p>
<p>Re post 53
Cherrywild is going to get ill treatment no matter what her actions. The problem lies in the other court, not hers.</p>
<p>gouf78, The problem is in the other court, but OP has a chance of getting in-laws to step off her toes if she saying something at the time to squash it. Otherwise, it will certainly continue.</p>