<p>I am posting this here since I probably shouldn’t say it to the parties involved in person.
My Mom loved Christmas. She gathered all 6 of her children and all the grandchildren to her house each Christmas. We knew better then to not think of attending. Regardless of how we were getting along.
My Mom passed away 4 years ago November. The first Christmas my older Brother and his wife invited everyone to their house. We all came. It was nice of them since she is Muslim and didn’t grow up with Christmas. Two of us live 2 hours away, 1 lives 30 minutes away and another 6 hours. For those of us out of town it means travel and a hotel. We all came for the first two years.
Last year my sister who lives the farthest decided to not come down. She wanted her kids to have the joy of Christmas morning at home. Her kids are little. She just announced she is not coming down this year either. Her feeling is that every year she loads her kids in the car and drives and my brother who lives 30 minutes away and his family come and spend two hours. She is angry at my brother.
Today I got an email from my sister in law (not the one’s hosting Christmas) saying they will stop by my brother’s house for a bit and then are headed to her Mom’s. Now I am angry. We go to the trouble and expense of coming down. Another sibling flies in. They live 30 minutes away. They see her parents and family weekly.
I want to say something. Should I just keep my mouth shut.
Feel free to also express your family holiday rant.</p>
<p>We solved the family issue for Christmas the FIRST year we were married. We stayed at OUR house. We decided we wanted to have Christmas at home and have our own traditions. We also knew that we would have children soon and we didn’t want to travel once we had the kids. It was NOT a popular decisions with DH’s family who expected him to come “home” every year until he died. We hated the drive, didn’t have a lot of time off, and having all of those folks in the same house was very stressful for the parents who were hosting the event. We were the first to stop coming but that opened the door for all the sibs to do the same. We very willingly will travel to the parents…but not ON the holiday. They have been invited to our house EVERY year, and have never come. Some of the sibs came one Christmas. I guess I’m on the other side of the fence from the OP. Family traditions are terrific, but once married, some families decide they need to start their OWN family traditions rather than carrying on the ones that they did as kids. We DO some of the things DH’s family did, and we do some of the things MY family did…but we also do things our own way. And I know that my kids will have their own traditions once they become married adults.</p>
<p>mom60, This is a tough one. If you speak up she will know how you feel, but you are probably fighting a losing battle, and she might very well resent it. Perhaps you need to say what is on your mind anyway (I don’t know). When was the last time that they spent Christmas with her side of the family? As far as travel expenses and hotels we have this problem, and we are not thrilled about paying for a hotel either.</p>
<p>OK…my part of the “vent”. No one should have to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day in a hotel (unless it’s at a ski resort or in the Carribean…by choice). These holidays should be spent in a home…just my humble opinion. I would never have taken my kids to a hotel for this holiday. Re: visiting families. Both of our families live very far away from where we live. We find that it is much more enjoyable and much less stressful to visit them when it is NOT a holiday. And it’s way easier to travel when it’s not a holiday weekend, and less expensive if you have to fly.</p>
<p>I’d see if you could all get together and have an agreement about Christmas. Dh and spent the first few years of marriage in Germany seeing no one which was sort of fun and gave us a chance to think about what was important to us. After we got back for the most part we have alternated Christmas with one family and Thanksgiving with the other. Usually all my family gets together. My husband’s CA brother misses out fairly often now. Some years we’ve done Christmas with one and New Year’s with the other. Some years we tell people we’d love to see them, why don’t they come visit us. (One of my brothers never ever has, which bothers me no end, he’s got a brother-in-law in the city who does get visited, the other comes often.) We just try to be flexible. We used to visit the brother who won’t visit a lot, slacked off for a while - he got too much religion for our tastes and they temporarily downsized houses - but we are back to visiting again. I’m glad.</p>
<p>Thumper, in our case the hotels stays have been for other holidays (ie: Thanksgiving). H and I have recently decided we would visit family other times since most of H’s side of the family is far away, and our son would like to stay in his/our home, not a hotel or someone else’s home when he comes home from college.</p>
<p>My brother and sister who both live less than two hours away from my mother have never spent Christmas with my mother. When she was more healthy and able to get around, she would go to their houses some years, but now that she can’t, they don’t come here because they have “their own families.” I always thought that a parent was a part of one’s family. I think it’s great to make your own traditions, but if that leaves an elderly parent alone or another sibling always having that parent, then something’s not right. I can’t see staying in your own home every year, that’s just a little inflexible if you want to see loved ones. My family is the classic example of everyone being adamant about staying home every year. Which means that no one gets together.</p>
<p>We just celebrate christmas three or four times in that two week period. Christmas day is at my home and i’ll feed whomever shows up. Christmas morning in your pjs is still the classic way we wish to have it.</p>
<p>Zooser, the elderly parents in our families actually are quite vibrant. They have actually gone on skiing trips the last two Christmas holidays. We are quite happy to visit them during the holiday season…just not on Christmas eve or Christmas morning. I think this is an individual family issue. I know that there are no hard feelings anymore (there were that FIRST year when DH didn’t “come home” and he was the only one who didn’t). But after that, it was not a huge issue.</p>
<p>“Zooser, the elderly parents in our families actually are quite vibrant. They have actually gone on skiing trips the last two Christmas holidays. We are quite happy to visit them during the holiday season…just not on Christmas eve or Christmas morning. I think this is an individual family issue. I know that there are no hard feelings anymore (there were that FIRST year when DH didn’t “come home” and he was the only one who didn’t). But after that, it was not a huge issue.”
I’m glad you have a situation that works well for you. What do your parents do if they don’t ski? Will your plans adjust when they can no longer travel? This is our first year without my father and my mother’s health has failed. If I chose to have our kids stay home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, she would be alone. I completely respect your decision, but it seems cruel to leave an elderly relative alone if you live within driving distance and your visits are day trips (speaking of my own siblings, not you). In this family, why not have one sibling visit on the eve and one on the day and then switch the next year. I don’t see how someone’s mother wouldn’t be an important part of christmas.</p>
<p>zooser, I agree with you. When my MIL was near us we picked her up and brought her home. She came to our home. She has now moved to be closer to two of her other children and they now bring her to their homes. My mother is still able to drive and get around.</p>
<p>Mom60, would your relatives be receptive (mine wouldn’t) to an email that respectfully discusses holiday get-togethers? Maybe a meeting of the minds could be achieved where everyone gets to have their needs met. Maybe the family could get together for Christmas one year, maybe New Year’s or Thanksgiving the next? And then rotate locations. I have no personal experience with this, but I can imagine that loving people could come up with a workable plan.</p>
<p>Why my elderly father was sick, we drove 6 hours each way (for three years in a row) to make sure were with him for Christmas. Other siblings came too and he was overjoyed to have a full house. Now that he’s no longer with us, we spend time with my ML who is now in failing health. Thankfully, she’s only an hour away and has other children close by. She’s the only parent we have left and we enjoy spending precious time with her.
I think it’s a whole different game when your parents get old and start losing their health.<br>
To the OP, everyone in your family needs to make the decision that is right for them. I would advise against confronting. I can see that it’s hard not to get mad though…</p>
<p>Zooser, I totally agree with you. Trips to our family are not day trips. They involve air travel (or a VERY long drive). You are absolutely correct in that no one should be alone on the holidays…and elderly parents who can’t travel should have visits from their kids. Life is too short NOT to make those trips. I wish my family lived closer. As my parents age, it is more and more important to me to see them as much as possible.</p>
<p>…“I always thought that a parent was a part of one’s family. I think it’s great to make your own traditions, but if that leaves an elderly parent alone or another sibling always having that parent, then something’s not right. I can’t see staying in your own home every year, that’s just a little inflexible if you want to see loved ones. My family is the classic example of everyone being adamant about staying home every year. Which means that no one gets together…”</p>
<p>What happens the other 364 days in the year…how often does the family visit the elderly mother? Some people get so hung up on the holidays that they forget about the rest of the year…
This year my son will be with us for Christmas and next year he will be married and this has already begun the discussion about who’s going where for the holidays. He already asked this year if she would come to our house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (he spent Thanksgiving with her/parents)and her response was NO - I am spending Christmas with my family…please pray for me :)</p>
<p>Laxmom I do pray for you! My sister and brother both married people who are adamant about spending holidays with their own families. I agree completely about the other 364 days a year, but there is something woeful about being alone on a major holiday. But what goes around comes around. My sister is a MIL this law and spend Thanksgiving alone because her son went to his new in-laws.</p>
<p>so let me get this straight. a daughter is going to visit her OWN mother this year for Christmas and the OP is angry?</p>
<p>In our family, we all try and get together- and Thanksgiving is the day that most make it—sometimes at Christmas, someone is working, traveling, etc</p>
<p>I don’t understand what the OP is ranting about- while mom was alive, everyone went to her house for Christmas, no matter what a pain it was- and now, when there are actually OPTIONS, family members are looking at their OWN families</p>
<p>What in the world is wrong with that</p>
<p>As for mom, well what about Christmas Eve? The actual adult child can go spend Christmas Eve afternoon with their parent, bringing the kids, etc</p>
<p>We get so stuck on DATES, that we lose the spirit of the times</p>
<p>Edit…so the SIL IS coming, but just visting a brother, my assumption is the H and OPs brother…well why not go there? why doesnt’ THAT brother host the Christmas this year…why not rotate?</p>
<p>and if people are all angry at each other because they are making plans with their own families, who wants to be int he middle of that</p>
<p>We have been going out of town for about a week in the middle of the christmas holidays for 20 years. My H gets the time off between xmas and new years and we like to go far away so we can see snow.
We are not Christian, our families all live in the area and putting in an appearance just because that would be like a hallmark card doesn’t feel right and is too stressful.
There are many options for the holidays, spending them with your family of origin is just one.</p>
<p>The OP wants to honor her mother’s memory, and perhaps feel closer to her, by keeping the tradition of a family visit at Christmas alive. Some of her sibs and in-laws don’t feel the same way. I’ve been in similar situations and, though it can hurt to see that a family member has different values, I feel that each sib does have the right to choose how they want to celebrate holidays.</p>
<p>I personally have a horror of people spending time with me or treating me in a certain way out of a sense of obligation. If they don’t want to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving or graduations or whatever with me - then really, what’s the point? I learned long ago that I can’t be responsible for what other people want or expect, family-wise. It’s one thing to put my own needs or feelings last for my husband and kids, and quite another to do so for my siblings.</p>
<p>Earlier in our marriage, I dutifully packed my kids into the car either Christmas afternoon or the day after Christmas for a 5-hour car drive to visit extended family (and woe betide me if I didn’t get to every far-flung relative’s house before New Year’s). I was exhausted and resentful. I never truly enjoyed a Christmas with my own family until I decided to put us first.</p>
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<p>What about that elderly parent who leaves the kids alone. Let me share a story that completely changed my attitude about traditions.</p>
<p>My whole life we spent Christmas morning at my parents house. Both sets of grandparents would come and we would have eggs benedict and champagne with strawberries. It was wonderful! Sadly, but inevitably, as my grandparents died, we soldiered on, but the numbers were bolstered with mine and my sister’s new spouses and children. Such a joyous occasion, and nobody thought of missing it to spend Xmas with others…</p>
<p>Then, my mom died. My sister and I spoke with my dad and decided that we would continue the tradition. We all showed up at his house Christmas morning and prepared the traditional breakfast. It was sad seeing the empty chair at the end of the table, but we were glad to be together.</p>
<p>The next year, my husband and I get my kids all dressed and we head over to my dads, laden with presents and ingredients for the eggs benedict. When we get there, we pile out of the car and ring the doorbell, and wait and wait and wait… </p>
<p>I stand there perplexed - my dad doesn’t answer the door. So, I call my sister in a panic thinking something must be wrong with my dad. She informs me that my dad has gone with his new “lady friend” to her children’s home in Louisiana. He had just forgotten to tell me! Merry Christmas!</p>
<p>Now, every year, we play it by ear - no more traditional events, just whatever works for the most people.</p>
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<p>AMEN!</p>