<p>“What about that elderly parent who leaves the kids alone. Let me share a story that completely changed my attitude about traditions.”
That’s a whole other ball of wax than someone sitting home alone who wanted company. My MIL died last year and we never, in 20 years, spent a holiday with her. She didn’t invite us and wouldn’t accept our invitations. She spent every holiday with one of her sisters and their families. No hard feelings at all.</p>
<p>You have all given me lots to think about. Frazzled is right. I do feel like by getting all of us together we are honoring my Mom. And it is sad that everyone doesn’t see it the same way that I do. I also realize that it is my families tradition at Christmas to spend it with my siblings. My husband’s family is jewish and don’t celebrate Christmas. My Mom always was willing to give up Thanksgiving with her children because she felt she got Christmas. We raised our kids jewish and don’t celebrate Christmas in our home. So for my kids going to my Mom’s was sharing part of my childhood. My Mom cooked and decorated and loved having all her children home. We would go down Christmas Eve and spend the night at my Mom’s. No hotel back in those days.
Since my Mom died we wake up Christmas morning at home and then drive to my Brother 2 hours away and then spend Christmas night at a hotel near his house. We could stay with him but prefer the hotel.
The brother and sister in law who are stopping by see her parents weekly. (they live 15 minutes away) Her Mom even quit working when my nieces were born to babysit. So Citygirlsmom it is not like she does not see her family. Plus Christmas day is long enough that they could still open their presents at home. Come to my B’s house for the afternoon and go to her family in the evening. They also go to her Aunt on Christmas Eve. And my Brother would never offer to host everyone at his house.
The reality I am seeing is my youngest brother has always been the baby of the family. He has always done what he wants when he wants it. My sister who is not coming down has extended invitations the last two years for everyone to come to her. My youngest brother would not make the effort to come.
We also try to get together every summer at my house. No one else offers their home. They like to come to mine in the summer since I live in a vacation destination with beach and pool. Most of the siblings help and bring food. But it is the two youngest who aren’t coming for Christmas who show up empty handed and expect to stay at my house for 3 days. They are also the two who at the end of the summer weekend don’t clean up after their children.
Thanks for the place to vent. I think I will keep my feelings to myself. I guess I am getting old and things that used to roll off of me bug me more.</p>
<p>mom60. I really understand how you’re feeling. After my Dad died, I too, thought we might continue the tradition of getting everyone together in his honor. Hasn’t worked out that way at all and it makes me very sad. We went from having a big happy family celebration on my side of the family to almost nothing. It makes it harder that we have only one child…it can get pretty lonely but we make the best of it. It was easier when we had a bunch of cousins running around. Thankfully, my husband has family that still wants to see each other during holidays! Transitioning to different kinds of Christmas celebrations can be very painful. You’re not alone.</p>
<p>“Transitioning to different kinds of Christmas celebrations can be very painful. You’re not alone.”</p>
<p>Thank you for posting that. That’s EXACTLY what it is for Mom60 and for me, as well. It’s good to put a name to the feelings and know that they’re ok.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s my feelings as well. I wasn’t trying to say her feelings were unwarranted at all. I was just ranting about my bad Xmas experience :(. </p>
<p>When this happened to me, I cried for days. I couldn’t believe my dad could be so insensitive to my feelings, especially one year after my mom had died. Eventually I realized that I couldn’t stay mad at him, he was hurting too, but was dealing with it all in a different way (unfortunately in a way that left me, literally, standing out in the cold). I love him and so I forgave him.</p>
<p>Now, I just don’t get so invested, because counting on others to uphold something that I (may just be me) feel is important, can be disappointing. And, I won’t let those types of feelings of anger, disappointment, disillusionment, etc. ruin my little nuclear family’s Christmas. (I try anyway)</p>
<p>But, it has taken me a long while, with alot of bumps along the way, to get to that acceptance.</p>
<p>“Now, I just don’t get so invested, because counting on others to uphold something that I (may just be me) feel is important, can be disappointing. And, I won’t let those types of feelings of anger, disappointment, disillusionment, etc. ruin my little nuclear family’s Christmas. (I try anyway)”</p>
<p>You are very wise. Thank you for sharing your experience and journey.</p>
<p>what about the people honoring the parents that are still Alive? wow, putting more credencce to the dead than the living, and trying to make others feel bad because they don’t want each Christmas to be about MOM?</p>
<p>So is it all about what the OP wants? Maybe the holidays aren’t fun at the house they have been at the last few years</p>
<p>THe anger at someone going to their own family for Christmas is astounding to me…</p>
<p>If this SIL was so important, why don’t you go to HER mother’s house? Does it have to be about the OPs family all the time? seems so, and that would get annoying</p>
<p>The OPs past was wonderful for Christmas it seems, but time moves one, people change, pass away…and with that traditions adjust…it is as it should be</p>
<p>Think about it this way, for YEARS the mom had all her kids, and their significant others at HER house…isn’t it the other families turns?</p>
<p>And as for your annoying younger siblings, they are who they are, you can accept it, ignore it, put your foot down…but the way to react and feel resentful is all yours</p>
<p>Very thought provoking thread. I think as families change (births, deaths, moves, divorces, more kids) so might family traditions and logistics. We used to sort of play things by ear depending on how things were going with health, days off for jobs, etc. and it worked out pretty well. It can be tough…brings out things like weddings do, sometimes.</p>
<p>These things are very complicated. This is why I offered this advice in post #3:</p>
<p>" If you speak up she will know how you feel, but you are probably fighting a losing battle, and she might very well resent it. Perhaps you need to say what is on your mind anyway (I don’t know). When was the last time that they spent Christmas with her side of the family?"</p>
<p>It is brutally difficult to force young children to open their presents at home on Christmas morning and then have to not play with them because they have to get dressed, get in the car, and make a long drive to a relative’s house.</p>
<p>We put a stop to that as soon as our older child was old enough to understand the concept of Christmas presents – at about age 3.</p>
<p>There was some resentment, but eventually, one set of grandparents decided to come see us on Christmas Day (after spending Christmas Eve with another branch of the family in another town). We visited the grandparent on the other side of the family and exchanged presents with his side of the family during the weekend between Christmas and New Year’s. This worked for about a decade. </p>
<p>You gotta do what you gotta do.</p>
<p>cgm, wow, talk about a rant. I don’t think you get the gist of the issue which is that it is hard and sad when traditions change due to death or whatever. </p>
<p>It’s not like she wants to “honor” her mom with a shrine and ceremony, she wants to honor her mom’s wish of family togetherness, even in times of strife. Her mom brought all of them together during her life, the op misses that and wishes that others in her family missed it enough to sacrifice a bit.</p>
<p>Your post (or rant at her) is really not nice and not very thoughtful.</p>
<p>but does the OP think about the OTHER families involved…seems not so much…if I see what she is saying HERE, imagine how what she is saying to her family members…the OPs “family” is not just those born by HER mother…it is inlaws, relatives, grandkids, etc. and the OP needs to acknowledge that</p>
<p>I can understand why people want to honor their OWN familes</p>
<p>As for thoughtful, her mother passed away several years ago, and for a few years after that, the family was together, this year, people are going to their OWN families and the OP is angry at them for wanting to be with their OWN mother, who is alive?</p>
<p>If I had a relative who was trying to contorl where everyone spent Christmas day, in order to Honor Mom, i would be a bit resentful to be honest, and if it isn’t thoughtful to share that with the OP, then sorry</p>
<p>The OP needs to hear the Christmas doesn’t revolve around her or her mother’s memory, or HER wanting the family all together</p>
<p>Toneranger you said it so well. And Ag54 you get it. Thank you to all who offer kind words. Zoozermom, Northeast Mom. Thank you all.
It is about adjusting to change.
CGM- even with going to my Mom’s my SIL had plenty of time with her own Mom. Christmas Eve and every Christmas they would leave my Mom at 4 and go and celebrate with her family in the evening. My brother and his wife were high school sweethearts. They grew up within minutes of each other. The Mom’s also lived close by. She has never had to make a choice. For her both sets were nearby.</p>
<p>So you are mad that this year she wants to heaven forbid spend most of the day with her own mother? </p>
<p>It is about you wanting to make decisions for everyone else for how the spend Christmas and that to be honest is annoying and petty</p>
<p>You can be mad at me, but how others decide to be with their families is their choice and to be Mad at them is not warranted</p>
<p>Maybe they want to do the morning thing, maybe her mother is older and gets tired in the afternoon, maybe they want to have lunch there and not a late dinner…</p>
<p>why do you feel the need to control where and how everyone spends Christmas day, whether they see their own families often or not?</p>
<p>I’ve been tempted to let my SIL have it (verbally) on too many occasions to count, but we’ve known each other for 40 years now, and I haven’t done it yet. I took a cue from my own sister’s dealings with her SIL…she kept her mouth shut for family unity and it was worth it. Its so hard. You know when we celebrate my H’s sibs’ Xmas with them? 2000 miles away in Cambridge, Ma in JULY! We have a blast and its the one time when we’re not pulled in 10 different directions. Thinking out of the box is helpful in these difficult times!</p>
<p>in my family we do get together at Christmas, but if someone chooses a significant others family for whatever reason, that is fine and it should be</p>
<p>I am being harsh I guess, because if someone gets all mad and angry about people not doing what she wants them to do, gets, then even more strife is created, no one wants to feel bullied into going to someones house…they will be resentful…</p>
<p>If they want to go work at a food bank all day and take a walk and go to bed early and spend NO time with family that is okay</p>
<p>I would never tell my family- inlaws, cousins, etc how to spend the holidays…I open my home, and count my blessings…</p>
<p>Its okay to be sad that life has changed and people are moving on…but that is what it is…</p>
<p>Did you ever consider how others felt about going to the same house for allthose years, or if they had fun, or if it was a hassle, if the company was okay?</p>
<p>I know people that come to my house for Thanksgiving because they just can’t deal with the family drama’s anymore, the tension, who dread Christmas with their inlaws and relatives</p>
<p>I just don’t understand the anger at your inlaws for not doing exactly what you want them to do</p>
<p>As kids we celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. Maybe Mom knew what was in the future. As a result, as adults we spend Christmas Eve with my family of origin and my sisters and I spend Christmas Day with significant other’s family. Perhaps the key is not to move far away from everyone? The only ones who did that were my in-laws who did a semi-retirement and moved 8 hours away. They do the traveling.</p>
<p>I understand how hard it is to give up traditions. I am in my 50s and have spent every Christmas with my parents, who live over 5 hours away. My daughter has never spent a Christmas in our home.We both love it since they live on a big farm and it is an old fashioned country Christmas. She can’t imagine not going there but we now wonder what it will be like when my parents are gone. Last Christmas, my sister in law died at home on Christmas Eve after a long illness. We had planned to celebrate Christmas there with them at their home, and she did her best to hold on until after the Holiday. My brother and I were with her when she died. So we spent last Christmas Day planning a funeral. This year, we will be back with my parents - less one. I wouldn’t say anything to your family this year, but I think you all need to discuss it for next year. Tell them how important it is for you to see everyone and at the same time, let them know you respect their feelings too. Maybe there can be a commitment to get together every other year. On the off year, maybe the family get together can be another time during the year, freeing up Christmas for everyone. Heck, exchanging gifts in August might be fun.</p>
<p>Woody, they may do the traveling now, but what happens when they can’t anymore. My Dad isn’t up to traveling any more - he gets disoriented and there are other issues and my Mom is scared of driving any distance having recently fallen asleep and finding herself off the road. (Luckily unscathed.) We have to go visit my family if we want to see them. At least she’s only a four hour drive away now instead of 7.5. I think the key is to be flexible and to talk to your siblings.</p>
<p>ok how can you see everyone at the same time when there are other parts of the family involved that aren’t “blood”</p>
<p>its still expecting family members to choose and to make others choose through guilt is wrong and makes for really bad feelings, and saying that one family is more important than another</p>